I'm writing into the disquiet night,
More words, words, words
Which you will never read

That ice you hold in the center of your chest
You never let it thaw, you never let it rest
And I know where my sun sets,
But you,
You've never been that far west
//
Playing faded cards with a jar of hearts
I'll never win against a gambling man,
You know how to sugar me up
I always forget not to show you my hand
//

You win some, you lose a lot.

You wake up my mind, make it clatter around with tinny bells that knock against my skull, igniting sparks. There's loud red and subdued white brights popping as my heart starts racing,
I can't just put my phone back down and walk away
And I'll step a little lighter and I'll smile a little brighter and I'll love a little more
Disgust tangy and savory at the back of my teeth, caught up between tongue and gums tangling over things I want to say
I put you from my mind, for a time, that lasted just about a month, a lonely little month drawn out into scraped knees and burned oil
Still, I am still while electricity races within, warming me to a steaming glow, fresh from the pools of acknowledgement
Your involvement, blending into my icy life, dying out
Searching for any sign you leave since you left, that you care,
But I don't know if I can stand the cold anymore.

Would you love me in a hundred ways?
In goodmornings and goodnights,
Flowers and falling ill,
together on the couch with an Xbox
And a box of Kleenex between-

Would you love me in words unsaid,
Good deeds unseen and bouts of malicious intent
forgiven. IF I could be forgiven. That you would forgive me
In each of these hundred ways you love me

But you are a coward,
Even in your conviction of being courageous,
You will remain alone. And this is ridiculous.

I know all you want is to come home.

"I love you"
Funny, mechanic, polite
Sticky flypaper
Chewing paper
Tobacco filter
Pretty, warm, sugarcane
My *** and whiskey lies
I'm trying to abstain

Like passing off my straight coke
As *** n Coke to a drinking friend
Who will never understand
And I don't love you,
But with a watered down reply
And a smile wound too tight
Think maybe someday it won't hurt

To not walk alone at night, or to
Swim with someone watching out so
I don't. Disappear. But instead I'm unwillingly ensnared
Netted so I can't
Dive away in the stormy sea
By you
It's immaterial, I could go, should go, any time
Though how many have I hurt by... shredding their
Expensive ****** fishing gear

When I go night swimming alone
All I think of is someone else beside me

And when you're in the car in the drive
Picking me up instead
I feel oil, dust, condensation and ..
...
I'm heading for a reparation, instead,
Because "I love you" makes my heart, head
And tongue full of lead.

Lazy afternoons and sleeping pills,
Washed out episodes of Winnie-The-Pooh and
Printed photos of a little girl I wish I knew

A dry riverbed, feels like a shut down KOA
These electronic waves are eating me alive
Old razors won't keep the spiders at bay

Slanted rhymes like slanted eyes,
If I wind the radio up just right
Can the music take me away tonight

Back to sleeping pills and scalding baths
And mid-melodramatic heart attacks
In the heat of a June I doubt I'll survive
But if I get back from this broken road,
I'll talk to you tomorrow

Then I'll talk to you tomorrow

One day, when I was very little,
My mother took me travelling
We went so many places, the whole world to see
That I lost my home on the road
And I forgot there was ever a place
That was a home just for me

Once I was a lark, you freed me from my cage
You brought me to the moonlight, I could breathe again
In your eyes I bathed in the moonlight,
In my eyes you did the same
In your love I was saved,
But was caged all the same

I miss Texas - My family fighting,
The smell of the hot concrete,
That full-bladed grass and the fire ants
The southern drawl and the heavy air-
Sticky and slow like molasses
Down where you nap through the heat of the day
And eat fried chicken, corn and mashed taters for dinner
Playing in sprinklers and
Patios made of tiny rocks,
Acorns and sunflowers and furniture
That weathered the great depression and WWII
The little creek, the metal slide in the middle of July,
Those mcDonalds toys one grandma collected
One grandpa bouncing me on his knee
The other taking me to the zoo
And great grandma playing scrabble,
Those baby pictures of my dad,
Back in a place where I would've culturally said "pa"
Sometimes I miss it all back in Texas,
Sometimes I say I'll never miss it,
Now that I see how grandma's a racist, family don't believe in LGBT,
In liberals, in me
But then I think I've lied
I just miss Texas from back when I was too young to notice,
And before everyone died.

These days I've been drinking ***** like water,
Trying to laugh a little harder,
To drown out the world

My ex deserved perfect
A man's wife kind of wife,
An honest, hard working life

He deserved a woman who could be kind,
Compassionate and intuitive with him,
Laugh with all his friends,

A wife who didn't question too much,
Made and cleaned up after lunch,
Someone just good enough in bed

Someone smart but not too well-read,
A wife who would follow where he led.
A woman that he would happily wed,

Is a perfect woman I could never be
(And I hope one day, that he can see
In someone what he once saw in me).

A perfect woman, is what he sought
And he deserves perfect,
But no one is perfect

So that's what he got.

Still, I remember when you entertained the idea
Of shipping off with me
I remember the passion in your eyes,
The assurance that we could do anything, just be
But what we’ve become, is everything I’ve been running
From.
And now, no matter what I desire, I have seen the darkness I’ve cast over you
The way you shy from my touch, that I should have known better
Why didn’t your father ever teach you not to play with fire?

I’m in the same way I am tired of speaking, tired of my written voice.
I’m by no means burnt out but I feel watered down, and I want to say it’s just my way of coming off an emotional haze.

Because I’m not the girl who burned hot and fast and bright and died out.
I’m just me. Lashing out and breaking down.

Do away with the doubt
And the fear
And trust the block,
Trust the blade above my head
I just want to say I have a small issue
Not big at all, I don’t mean to criticize
Only it seems a little rickety
In your craftsmanship.
And in the disdain in your eyes.

"I was there somewhere"
I can't help but to cry
But the people in those photographs
Are dreams I held which had to die
They don't remember, and life moves on
But I can still hear them laugh,
Hear the fading notes of another song
In the smiles within those videos
I was there somewhere
And I can't find it in me to regret
Though I wish I'd stayed for one more set
I just wanted to be someone they wouldn't forget
When I walked out of SoCal the same way I came
In exhaust fumes and a cloud of shame.

Now all that's left are these photos and music videos
And I was there when they filmed them
So search them, you know I'm not in them
But I was there somewhere.

Pretty soon I was crying into a cup of tea, drinking in the lightening flashes, waiting for the sudden onslaught then drought of rain
Whispering to her, hushing her ramblings
I didn't even realize I was alone again.

Pretty in pictures we send,
People we'll never see in person
Pretty words we don't say in person
A fantasy, a guile, and as immaterial as a dream
Pretty, pretty words, I've heard so oft before...
"I won't leave" "I'm not like that" "you're not annoying"
"It won't happen that way" "why not stay"
And every time the peach dream pops I run straight into another
And abandon what I've learned for the sake of the pride of another
And I feel just as fake as an otome game lead
When it gets too hard, select another lover, when I start to glitch,
Restart the game, because when I'm sick, dying, hospitalized
And I look around and see I'm still all alone,
At least I've got pretty pictures, pretty words, pretty lies
To look at on my phone.

Rip open my veins, blood-stained teeth bare
Snapping ribs as you unwrap them-
Crawl inside, child. Home.
Two beating hearts as one
Blistering beneath a polluted sky
You are as hard to look upon as the sun,
My one biggest lie
I need you I need you I need you

But glazed eyes, dried tears and split seams,
I could never keep you

Falling.gasping. Desperate.scared
Wet concrete, colder than the laser light dome
tendons aching from the running.
Collar bruised. Lip bleeding.
Costume... tor n at the waist.
It was. Well it makes more sense
When you know it was a big bad wolf
who threw her against the-
Blood. Biting wind. Headlights passing.
But there was warmth
Green eyes. Sunshine hair. Toothy grin.
Arms saying "everything will be okay"
Not like.
The wolves.
With their rough palms. Leers. Cars.
Heaving. Sobbing. Spitting. Running fingertips
across the cold concrete until they bleed.
A broken cell phone so like a broken bottle
Its so much worse to be betrayed by
One's own last hope.
Starving.empty*

Black

I want to go to bed
It's not a question, it just is
I'm a broken little doll,
But I can't feel a thing
Drunk or sober,
Whole or bleeding,
Dead or sleeping,
No, I can't feel a thing

Love, when we break up, I'll be fine
I'll cry an ocean and go sailing-
I'll turn the page and write a song.
I'll miss you, when you cross the line.

Pray, don't try to charter my course,
I'm only missing things which never came to pass
You're the one I wanted for forever,
I tell the waves, the fish. Laying on my skiff,
Crying stardust, dry and stinging
Reminiscing

But don't worry about me, I'll be fine
I miss the way you said your dreams were mine
I miss the smell of snow and melting in the kitchen together,
I miss summer flowers, afternoon showers,
Empty highways, when your dreams were mine,
I wonder if they ask you about me..
But I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.

Are you cold, my darling? You're shivering-
Shrugs me off, says she's never felt warmer
Throws on slippers and disappears past me down the hall, I'm left
Hand outstretched
//
My girl can't stand to sleep alone
I work all night just to come home
To strangers in our bed, and I ache
For how lonely she must have felt
//
My darling girl, why don't you rest your sleepy head,
You can't face all the demons inside, can't go to sleep,
Instead you've fled and I,
Pinned your wings to the ground, like so many,
But like only me, I let you go and so,
You chose to stay, it's the only way you would
I'm afraid,
You're always ready to fly away from me
And I, can't stand to see you go too far
I'm frightened.
Can't keep the tears away when I see you turn
away with a frown, concentrate too ******* spreading jam
Stirring tea
Artificial warmth, like the heat you swear radiates off my shirt
I gave you and the forced desire
To always keep things civil, traditional, a facade of happy-
Just. nice.
But we're a cluster of stars, burning and dying.
And you can't blame me for trying to keep you wild,
Nor for wishing you'd let me in and take me along.
I'm just a man.

Oh Darling, do say you were,
I think I was in your dream last night,
I came in late like walking into an occupied room
And curled into bed like you were there, sleeping on your side
I swear I heard you dreaming, within the slumbered breathing that wasn't there
I could've sworn the pillow was damp from your shower,
That I almost tripped on your shoes
Oh wake up, wake up and fly to me, let us not delay
And make that dream a reality
Like we were some epic, the fateful reunion to the joyous conclusion
of the play
And not climbing into empty beds, each wishing we weren't alone
Do say you were dreaming,
For I feel I may be dreaming, too

Aside the eaves, parallel the skyline
The sunset, lightening, thunder,
Warmer, sat beside the fire,
Ignited through sparks created through strangers, new
New, love, when we were new.
When promise warred with past delusion, we sought
The safety of a hollow shell, a valley closed in by mountains,
Two hearts beating, perfidious farewells.
With no constructional thought of 7 months later,
It was Time Immaterial....
For I saw you then,
As I see you now.

I used to date
Now I just hate
It's a little
Silly stringing
Me along when you say
It's better if you go away
Tripping down a road
With water streaming between
Can't help but think
That the separation of my legs
And the stream, that's all it takes
Seeing what we'd never be
A bee and ant will never live in harmony

I used to love
Crushed by a dove
White feathers
Floating blood down upon
My arms,
I scratched,
Against the thorns,
You spit from your teeth
Come on closer to me

If we are, we are
But I don't pretend to know it
Side-stepping affection gone putrid
It's stupid
Thinking I got along fine
Before I left you behind

I used to connect
Warmth, I used to let
Fill up a gas tank
Leaking slowly
Open a valve like a locket
pour in the oil
I used to date it,
But now I hate it,
This crap you're giving out
Won't sustain, I'll clog the spout

And if I scream in anthology
Analogy, metaphorically,
Speaking, I'm going to die.

You will always have my heart, but
I'll start ******* out the numbness
That's leaked into my body.

Nobody asks a mountain, who stands beside them.
Nobody asks a river why it's rushing to shore.
Nobody asks why a fire will roar, and
No avalanche is asked why it couldn't hold on,
No hurricane is asked why it couldn't stay at sea,
No twister comes out of hypocrisy.
Still... I'm not a force of nature, though I tell myself so
I'm just a woman, begging someone not to go.

I met a lover lied. I told him all my lullabies.
But the silence in my heart drove him mad.
Drove him mad.
He said I’m screaming.
Like a little bowl
Echoing off the essence of a hollow soul

I might just be an echo of a star trying to burn her way home

I used to be part of someone else's story.
So I know what it's like to come in, unannounced,
To read the sticky chapters before me.
To leave enough pages for when I'm not around.

Play our song, you won't come back,
Be everything you wanted, it's too late to ask
If you still remember me
I'm trying to tough it out, be all you'd have me be
It doesn't even matter anymore
That I'll never see you standing at my door,
I just want to be the person you wanted me to be
Because that's all I ever wanted to be.

I know you think I'm a devil in an angel's skin,
Wanna fight a holy war, that you'll never win.
Trynna fight hellfire, with the flames of your desire,
Tempt me with the promises of original sin.

Think you can tame me but the odds are out
Keep sayin' you'll save me that's not what I'm about
Oh but you're still by me and keeping score
Baby I'm just human and I'm nothing more

I'm upset,
I'm unhappy, but I
Don't want anyone to fret
So I'm stable enough
To just get by

What a beautiful sorrow, what a beautiful pain
That I can't touch you in the morning,
I can't take your tears away
And as a lark I sing for you, you feel the depths of my emotion
This voice you gave me, I'll gladly share
I wish you'd do the same
I wish you'd feel the same
But I can't reach you, I can't hold my hand out and try
You wouldn't take it if I offered,
I can't hold you when you cry
But you're so beautiful, I wish you wouldn't despair
You're so full of life, but there's nothing there

Chime, crystal, chilling,
Your voice leads me through the darkness,
Freezing, willing.
The only light from moon on snow,
Promise of wolves hidden from the moonglow,
Where we howl and prance and shake our fur
Barking laughter over the tourists we lure
Free and free as nature herself, here
Where danger and death are always near
And we follow the call of having no confines
At all

This house has steadily been built by tears
From divorce and death and heartache throughout the years
It's curled up in the carpet, where an 11 year old dried her eyes
And in the depths of memories,
All the pain, the alcoholism and goodbyes
Now there's a woman who holds her own throughout the day,
Cries silent tears into the master bedroom walls at night
There's a boarder sobbing in the living room while her dog whines
And when I've cried my throat hoarse in the same room as all I've mourned,
I go outside to smoke and make it worse.