one day i was talking to my little sister.
she asks me if i was ever depressed.
i tell her yes.
her eyes widen and her lips are mouthing 'why?'
'babe, i'm transgender.'
'is that it?'
so i begin to explain to her the things i feel.
i tell her how everyday i can't wait to get home
and slice open this body i don't know
with a razor from a convenience store.
i tell her i don't know how to act like
a girl for mom and dad, but apparently
i do a **** good job because they
don't notice i'm not.
i tell her that for fourteen years
i've wanted to cut my hair short
and never have to wear a skirt to church again.
i tell her about the pain and fear of
going into a public bathroom.
i tell her about the looks the kids at school give me
and the shoves from behind
about the **** binders and
the locker rooms.
i tell her that i don't know what they
want me to be, and if i can be it.
i tell her all i want is to be called 'he'
and feel like they mean it.

she pauses and gives me a look that says
even though she's too young to understand,
she does.
'i've always wanted a brother.'

My sun
Light of my day
Star of my world
So far yet near
You bring me joy
You warm my soul

My sol
My morning call
My prayer to you
My salutation
My bija mantra
Surya Namaskar

Namaskar
Ardha Chandrasana
Padangusthasana
Surya darshan
Purvottanasana
Adho Mukha Svanasana
Shashtanga Dandawat
Bhujangasana
Adho Mukha Svanasana
Surya darshan
Padangusthasana
Ardha Chandrasana
Namaskar

r ~ 9/15/14

For my good friend Pradip's call for a sun poem.

(Poem by Pradip Url : http://hellopoetry.com/poem/856652/write-me-one/)

anger leads me to the gates of hell
a short trip from fear to anger,
then to rage

heaven and hell is a state I live in
here and now

willingness to
be honest and vulnerable
cracks open the door of my heart
to allow love to flood in,
so I can then share what I have

fear holds me captive and
keeps the door of my heart closed.
I cannot give away what I don't have.

love frees me to open up to life,
and trust in connecting with another, which always feels like a leap.

I am treated as small and insignificant
many feet tread on me

I have been around for millions of years,
I have been a mountain, a boulder, a stone,
and finally a grain of sand.

I am small but beautiful.
now, I can catch the light of the sun,
and let the light in.