A familiar sense
of longing
and hopelessness.

I feel her reach
into my mind.

Discreetly twisting the neurones
making me lose all sense of control.

What I feel
is never what I see.

I feel distorted
and completely alone.

I’m my own barrier.

This invisible wall
that cannot be seen
or broken down.

My safe haven
My cell.

I need this moment
to fuel my heart

Take me away from
all my insecurities
and make me anew

Consumed in the shadows
I take the risk

Soaring
and weaving
into the unknown

And there
lies ingenious

You take a breathe
Of what i exhale
You become all of me
You savor the emptiness
You plant within my mind

Ever so slowly
It grows
Darker and heavier

With every episode
It takes me away from myself

It steals my heart
And disfigures my thoughts

Every part of me is lost
A wish that could never be fulfilled
Only a star
Bound to implode

Naked and alone
I keep myself here
Where he placed me
So long ago

I'm keeping myself here
Because it feels like it's the
only thing I've ever known
The one thing he silently
taught me through his actions

I can't seem to undo
all that he did
Emotionally and
psychologically
He trapped me
within myself

What will it take for
me to feel free
What will it take for
me to just give in

Why did he have
to hurt me

Your words flow in and out of my mind
and goes straight into my heart

Time has stoped
and all I know
is that we were meant to be

Our silluettes
clashing with the sparks
we feel in our hearts

Stardusts
all iridescent
swirl around us
invisible to the naked eye

You will forever be the reason
why I've stayed alive.

Falling in to myself again
I hear her call my name
I pray that she’d save me this time

She pulls me back in
every single time
She know’s I’m still fragile

I fall into her grasp
Hoping it’s the last time

This disease that carries me
Just may be the end of me.

I'm a shard of glass
Splintered in to everyone's lives
Once I implode
Once depression swallows me whole

My mind goes blank
I feel nothing but emptiness
And acts of self harm
swarm inside my heart

When will I feel like I'm enough
When will it all cease to exist
When can I feel unshadowed
by this darkness

Words are what truly saved me
Despite all the harmful acts
I'd put upon myself

Written words became my voice
I couldn't vocalize

Words broke me down
And then recreated me

I will continue
to live and breathe words

My reflection
A timeless masterpiece
Of distortion and ruin

My savior and destroyer
A way to feel present
And alive

A drop of madness
Mixed with salvation

Like ink smeared onto a page
We're fused together
A collage that cant be broken

Write write write
Write to breathe
Write to feel

Write to forget
Write to survive
the turmoil inside my mind

Write in order
to see the light
at the end of the tunnel again.

You feel a part of you chip away
shh, don't say a word
don't let anyone see
this is our little secret

Every time
every second
always longing
for a way out

To stop feeling
his haunting words
his sickening touch

Pressing down
her mind too corrupted
to let her breathe

Nowhere else
to turn
but inwards

Deep
and safe
inside her mind

A world of
self destructive love
Her only way out
never giving up

She’s back again
Climbs inside me
Like a virus
Just waiting
To be noticed

Blank-minded
Body-obsessed
And invisible

All I feel is you
In my head
In each cell

I draw you out
Like you’re my last resort
In knowing how it feels to be alive

Why can’t you stay away
I feel you come back for more
When I have nothing left to hold on to

She finds herself trapped
as a wave of darkness
swallows her whole

Thoughts of suicide 
thoughts of intimacy 
race through her mind

Nothing can penetrate her 
for she is untouchable
when in darkness

And yet, feeling trapped
within herself
she longs to be touched

She wishes someone
would help her
find her true self
within the solitude solace gives her

That someone is herself
slowly
gradually
she chips herself away

And painstakingly
she emerges from her shell
anew

A moment of silence
a shadow in the back of my mind
I don't think I can get away for good this time

Out of the blue
she comes back
it comes back
like it never left
as if its telling me
I am it
and it is me

A part of me is grateful
another part of me is in despair
I didn't think it still
would have a tight hold of me
after all these years

When will it end
would I even want it to end
when will I be free from it

Or is this thing alone
already a sign of me being free 
a sign that life is meant to go on
no matter how happy
or unwell I'd forever be

Can there be a deadline to living
when all you know about yourself
could never be truly accepted by your loved ones

When all others see you as 
is a piece of meat
to devour
or a soul 
to shatter for their own
twisted entertainment 

Too many nights
I've wished for death to take me
but every morning I lie awake
overcoming the shadows 
of fear and insecurity

But it will never be over

When you feel trapped in life
Look up at the sky
You’ll know you’re never truly alone.

Somewhere out there
There’s somebody who is feeling
the exact same way you are.

Somewhere out there
There’s somebody who cares.

Security is what I crave
and words that
allow me to express
my deepest needs,
my darkest fears,
and unfathomable longings

Enveloped by frisson
as certain words
seep, like silk
into my veins
and there
lies everlasting
serenity 
all that I am

Life is unpredictable,
life is scary,
but maybe,
Life only wants us to grow and learn.
That even in the darkest times,
we can thrive and find meaning,
why we exist, find a purpose.

We only see the truth
hiding between the lines
after the storm.

Hugs
are silent cures

For mending hearts
and broken minds

When you can’t
find the words

Sometimes,
hugs speak
louder than
words.

My heart feels like
it's about to shut down
from all the truths
that only I know

People view me
as kind
selfless
heartfelt
with empathy

Yet once they witness
my darker side
this inner demon
that is always
a few steps behind me

Once they see
the ashes and smeared blood
tainted within my mind and heart

I am once again alone
alone to pick up the pieces 
of a love that never was

These scars I cannot hide
from the world.
I’m still ashamed of them all.

But there’s nothing I can do
to change the fact that
I needed it to save me from myself.

They are shameful stories
itched deeply into my skin.

I was only human.

These wounds are my story
and how I overcame the worst.

Self love and acceptance.
I can do this.

We are all imperfectly perfect.

You saw right through me
the day we met.

And once again
I thought to myself
If this was going to be another meeting
that I would regret.

Although little did I know
that you were not like the others I've met
For you only showed me generosity and respect.

I will never forget the night we slept
you hold me close to your chest
embracing and consoling me as I wept.

Your love that you've given me
will always be cherished and kept.
I never knew that I'd deserve someone like you.

I promise you
that I can't be any happier.

You look me in the eyes 
With a smile so reassuring
You tell me that everything is going to be all right

You hold me close
As my world slowly repairs itself
Turning from ashes to light

You feed my heart and soul
Reviving every cell in my being

You give me all that you have
To save me from myself
You make me whole

You cure me
You complete me

The iridescent light
Lingers in to her eyes.

I feel silence envelope me
As I stare in awe.

Her voice whispers
She will come back to me.

I watch her footsteps,
Slowly fade.

With the sound of the rustling leaves
An imprint left
in to the soft soiled ground.

As I see her
She smiles back at me.

Her presence aglow.
I feel her embrace me.

A last goodbye.

Our last moment together on earth.
As we silently cross paths
Only to find
that we were't meant to be.

As I say my last goodbye.
Tears stream down my eyes.
For I feel guilt
In not understanding you better
Not being patient enough.

But, now I see.
I did all that I could
To give you time and respect.
Only to realize you never loved me.

You were too selfish
and afraid to love me back maybe.

I changed my self for you.
But
It seems you never realized what I did
Only to make you see what I would do for you.

I only wanted affection.
But,
You could care less
About making me feel cared for.

Although,
Maybe I was too needy for you.
In the end,
It's better that I broke up with you.

You taught me to never expect things.
To love myself more
In case, the one you love does't love you back.

Everything happens in life
For a good reason.
Whether it's good or bad.

Life teaches us more than we think it does.

The calm always comes after the storm.

When you’re too sensitive for this world
Don’t give up
We all have a reason to be here
Our own unique paths

You may be vulnerable at times
It doesn't mean for a second
That you're broken

From there, you can fill
Your cup back up again