2:36am. You lay awake in your bed with your mind racing.
Your darkness is hitting you full till, crushing you and making you feel like nothing.
Your mind tells you that you should give up. No one would miss you.
Give up and you can finally rest.

But let me tell you this. Every time so far that your darkness has showed up and tried to take you down, you didn't let it...
Even when it knocked you over and beat you down, you survived and you rose back up to keep fighting. You have survived every single moment of your life up until now.

You are not just a survivor, you are a warrior, and I am so incredibly proud of you.

This is a letter to you….
You know who you are.

Three years… Three ******* years of my life…. That is what I gave you. That is what you stole from me. I’ll never get those three years back…
And honestly, you didnt deserve five ******* ******* seconds of my time…
I should not have wasted my time on you. You are simply not worth dirt…

When I saw your face at the market that day, I should have walked the other way… Not knowing you would give me three ******* years of abuse, Mental, physical AND emotional… And not to mention countless breakdowns, panic attacks and endless tears that you caused me even after you left

You leaving me ended up being the best thing you could have done… Because then, I allowed myself to heal, I allowed myself the grace of knowing it was not my fault.

You made me think that I was not good enough for you? HA… *****, you were not good enough for ME… At the end of the day, you lost possibly the most amazing man you could have had. So, jokes on you! Someone else will come along and know my worth. They will fight to keep me…
YOU never did.

Whatever it is you are doing with your pitiful life now, I hope karma finds and destroys you…

6:30AM
I wake up, completely exhausted, my mind running a million miles a minute

I am alive...

As my legs swing over the side of the bed and my feet hit the ground, I slowly rise up

I am strong
I am alive

I wipe the sleep from my eyes, preparing myself to face the day ahead
Give it your best shot world. Whatever you throw at me, I will overcome.
For I am alive, I am strong, and I am a warrior.

A letter to you
Hey kid…Sit down, shut up and listen up! (Harsh, I know, but you NEED to hear this. These words need to reach you, because I care! And I don’t like seeing you dimming your spark!)
You are here on this earth for a reason. You were born to do incredible things and be extraordinary. The light of your soul smoulders and burns so brightly every day.
Right now, you may feel “ordinary” and like you don’t mean much, or that you are not anything special in this universe. But let me be the first to tell you, you are wrong. You are so important to so many and those people look up to you. Me??? I see you as a hero. Yeah yeah, you are thinking to yourself, “But… I don’t have any superpowers???” Again, you are wrong! You have a beautiful mind, a kind soul and a brave heart. You have a might and a determination that can move mountains, with a resilience and strength that can weather any storm that tries to take you down. THOSE, are your superpowers. So no, you are not just ordinary. You are incredible, you are powerful and you are mighty. So please, never dim your light. Let it shine bright for the world to see and go be that superhero I know that you are! I am so proud of you!
Go move mountains kid! You got this.

I am not an angry person…

I do not like living in or ruminating in anger or hatred,
Swimming in that deep sea of vicious fire…
Drowning in those dark waters…

Anger feels like lava, coursing through my body.
Burning me alive, scorching me to my very core…

Though that does not show.

I look and act calm.
Level.
Still.

But my anger towards you, I can not contain.
My anger for the years you took from me.
Precious time I can never get back…

I can only make up for…
By choosing myself.

Anger will never succeed…
It has not changed me. It only hindered me.

Now,
I will live MY life, free of you
Free of your toxic light.
Far from your acidic soul.

I hope you know what you lost, when you walked away,
All those years ago.

For you, my anger within the flames still remains.

Do you know, what your smile is capable of?
How you can change someones entire day with one look??

The power held in that radiant smile, the look of happiness in your sweet eyes
The incredible sparkle that shines as bright as the stars on a clear summer night

Well, I can see it... I know it is there and it is real
I want you to notice it every single day

I wish you could see what I see, a beautiful soul burning behind those eyes

You see…
You saw your position in my life as some big thing. Like you were irreplaceable.
You made it seem like I needed you to survive, and that I’d be nothing without you,
When the truth is, you just occupied a few chapters in the book of my life.
A few sad, measly chapters, that you never deserved having your name written into their pages.

Now, there are some chapters of my life I wish to revisit and read again, but the chapters involving you, I wish to never revisit.
I wish to lock those away in the very depths of my being, where they will get lost.

Those dark chapters never should have been written… And I would erase them if I could.

I NEVER needed you.
Your exit from my life was the best possible thing to happen.

Now, I am focusing on the chapter currently being written, and the ones to come.

I do not know what words are to be written in the story of my life, but I am excited to write each new word, for I am in a better place and am finally with the one who treats me right, every single day.

To the chapter currently being written, and the chapters to come, I am ready for you.
I am ready to read your words, and to live your tale.

While he is running through your mind,
You are constantly on mine.

Travelling through my thoughts, stuck in my head.
And I can’t get you out, but secretly, I don’t want to…

Because that’s the only place I can still belong to you.
I can still be yours. And our future can still exist.

Deep in the chaos of my mind.

I may fall
I may get beat up by life and crumble to the ground
Giving up and staying down sometimes feels like the best option
Surrendering to the darkness...

I will not let that happen
I will rise up as many times as I fall
I will not let the darkness win
I can't let it win...

As long as I have at least a single ounce of strength within me, I fall, I rise.
That is my promise to the world

Remembering my old life, the life I lived before it all came crashing down,
I remember the plans I had and how hard I had worked to make sure the future that I saw before my eyes unfolded the way I wanted it too.

I remember how much it hurt when I saw it all crumbling down before my eyes.
How I had to mourn the loss of my old life.
How I now mourn for my old self...

I had to pick myself back up, gather up the broken pieces of my shattered heart and soul, and one by one, piece them back together with tape and glue and whatever I had nearby.

I have built myself back up and now I am finally looking forward in life.
I am ready to build up my new future.

The past is far behind me.
I won’t let it stop me from my new life and my new future.

As I light these candles to send lay to rest my old life, one by one, I watch the flames go out,
Sending off the old me.
Honouring him, for choosing life and for choosing to fight on.

Listen here, little buddy... You may rest now,
I've got this. I'll take it from here.

You know, I have spent way too much time trying to be enough for EVERYONE else around me.
Thinking that my worth was based on their opinions,
how they see me as a person.

But the truth is, that is all *******...


I just need to be good enough for my own self,
and at this point, I am.

I am worthy
I am enough

You know what???

I think you knew… You knew what you had.
You knew how good I was and what I deserved.

I think you felt it. Sensed it.
You knew I could do better…

But once the addiction of a having a loving man hit you,
You knew you couldn't lose me.
You needed me.

I became your safety, serenity and warmth in this cold, darkened world…

So….. you broke me. You broke me down every single day.
Making me think it was my fault.
Like I was not good enough for you…
You broke me down every day I stayed
Bit by painful bit, casting storm clouds above my head that hid my true worth,

And only when you FINALLY walked away, did I begin to see,
How much I truly deserve in this life.
How much damage you truly cast upon me.

But, as time went on, I healed.

As I shed the negative energy of you, I picked up my broken pieces and put myself back together...

And now??? I am getting what I crave...

So, you watch, as I finally get what I deserve,

And you are left in the dust…

I love you, please stay.

I am as broken as they come, my shattered pieces scattered all over.

My mind tells me lies that I sometimes believe. I am not good enough, I am too much.
When my mind screams these lies at me, they are all I hear, and I begin to believe them.

Though I am still trying to piece myself back together, some days I may fail.

I won’t be strong. I will fall apart.

There will be days, I look to you for aid.

I love you, please stay.

On the days my broken parts show,

I need you, please don’t leave.

They say legends never die.

I believe,
Legends do die, they just never fade.

The memory of legends lives on forever and never fade away into oblivion.

Tales of their life are written in books, spoken of far and wide and shared at dinner tables all over the world.

One day, after I am long gone, my name will still live on as legend.

My tale, etched into the book of time.
Where they remain for eternity.

Hey little buddy. Listen here,
I know you still exist…

Somewhere deep within my soul, in the very core of my being, you reside,
I feel you, deep down,
You feel Scared, Broken, so small and in SO much pain.
The scars of the past still burn so deep.

I know, you couldn’t defend/protect yourself back then.
And you bravely stood alone against an army of those who turned their backs on you.
All you could do was survive, using all the energy you possessed to simply make it through each new day that you faced.

Well, just know this.
You survived. You made it out of that time when you didn’t think you could.
You didn’t think you had the strength to make it out.

I wanted to say thank you, for staying so strong and for not giving up.
On yourself or your future.

So here I stand, at your side and at the ready,
To fight for and protect you.
To honour you, to fight for you and to heal you.

And eventually, to lay you to rest.
You have done well, little one. Now, lay down your burdens…
I will take it from here.

Hey you.
Having a rough day? Feeling down? Life is hitting hard today eh?

That’s okay… Those days happen, and will continue to happen.
Your depression will show it’s ugly face; you might not feel like your normal self and that is totally okay.

Just do what you can today. The littlest things you are able to do are monumental.
Take some time to unwind, reset and breathe. Decompress and get some rest, I know you need it.

And please, don’t be so ******* yourself today. Your brain will lie to you. You are not weak. You are not useless, and most of all, you are allowed to take some time for yourself and shut the world out if you need too. You are allowed to feel sad and get some rest.

Just know, I love you and I am proud of you… You have grown so much over the last few years, and your progress has been incredible. Just keep climbing that mountain! Never give up!

There will always be dark times along your journey.
The path you walk may crack and break, and you may stumble and fall.

Sometimes you may not want to get back up, but you always will, because you know that these dark times are not forever, and you will be walking in the light very soon, feeling the sun gracing your skin once more.

But until then, I will always be here to illuminate your journey.
My heart, soul and spirit will always be a beacon of light during your darkest moments.

I will always leave a light on to help you find your way home.

Living in the darkness.

For so long, the darkness was my safe place.
I called it home,
For I was able to simply rest within the darkness, I could just exist there, and didn’t have to worry about being strong or needed by anyone.
I could just… be… It was me and my thoughts, and I was all alone.

Besides the scarred, ugly, disfigured creatures that also dwelled within the darkness and called it home.
I made friends with all the creatures that dwelled within my darkness…

The large, mangled creature that was depression.
The random, scattered figure that was anxiety.
The horrifying entity that is the nightmares and visions that play deep within my mind at times.

Those creatures became my friend, I got to know them on a deeper level.

And for a while, they kept me safe. They kept me still and quiet during times I did not have the energy to move forward in life and with my growth.
They allowed me to rest and kept me secure from the unknown, which at the time was absolutely terrifying.

But now, I am in a different place.
I am mentally stronger than I have EVER been,
And I have been stepping back into the light and leaving my darkness behind.
And now, I am ready to venture into the unknown lands of my future.
I no not where I will go, the adventures I will take and the hardships I will endure,
But I am ready to find out.

So, to those creatures that I leave behind as I walk this new path into the light,
Thank you for keeping me safe, but you are no longer needed…
I have outgrown you, and will continue to grow into my best self, leaving you in the dust.

If dreaming is the only place you can see me, I hope you never dream...
Live with the memories of me, but nothing else.

When I look at you, it’s like I’m looking through the viewpoint of a kaleidoscope…

All those random, scattered and sometimes broken pieces, coming together to form something breathtaking, majestic and beautiful.

That is how I see you. To me, you are the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever seen, shattered fragments and all.

And I love all of those pieces as well, because they come together to make you who you are.

Your heart, soul, essence and light have always remained so soft and elegant, so radiant and delicate.

I will always love every single piece of you, no matter what they look like.

I will always love you, my little kaleidoscope.

Sometimes, writing is my way out.
It is a way to get the thoughts that are swimming deep within my mind out into the world when I have no voice.

These words that I messily scribble down, or carefully  type out, ensuring to check for any errors I make, come from the deepest, and sometimes darkest areas of my mind, heart and soul…

And these are things I do not think I would be able to tell someone out loud, for hearing the words out loud would be too much.

These small marks, on this blank sheet, come from my depths, and I hope they reach your soul.

NUMB
I feel numb, hollow, cold… and I hate this feeling.
I don’t know who I am right now, I don’t feel like me.
I feel chills echoing through my core, a thick fog plaguing my mind.

LOST
I feel lost. I don’t know where I am, I don’t know what I am doing.
I feel like somewhere along the way, I fell off the map, and ended up in the middle of nowhere.
I am scared.
I am lost

FOUND
I am holding on to hope.
I will be found.
But not by anyone else.
I will find myself.

I won't pretend that my life has been perfect.
I have had my ups and downs and at times, didn't even think I could push forward and make it out.
I have doubted myself more times than I can count, and faltered in my journey

But hear me now, I will never quit.

I will push forward, whatever comes my way and I will rise and overcome.

I will live on!

My future is directly ahead of me and is wide open to the possibilities of life.

I will grab life by the horns and ride out this crazy train!

Remember this.
We are ALL living in the same world, but we are all fighting different demons.
As tough as mine are, someone else might be fighting tougher demons. Those demons might might be breaking them down day by day. Crushing and beating down on them.
You have no idea what they are fighting inside their own mind. They might be sitting dangerously close to the edge, ready to fall and let go. Their light would fade from this world, because no one was there to save them. They do not know how to reach out when the darkness hits.
Always try and remember that when you are around people/.
Live with empathy and love.
Who knows? You may just save a life.

At the end of it all, all we are is lines drawn into the sands of time…
Lines, to be erased by the crashing waves and torrential winds.

Hear this,
When the last grain of sand falls from the hourglass that is my life,
My name will be permanently etched into the sands of time, never being erased or forgotten.

I will rattle the stars and shake the earth
I will not be forgotten
I will not be silenced.

Hi, lovely.

As you lay your head down tonight and drift off to sleep, I hope for a few things for you.

I hope that your mind is calm, still and that your thoughts are light and fluffy.
I know the days aren't always easy on you, and that you fight your battles every day.
I hope you do not have to fight as you rest.

I hope that you sleep softly, dream sweetly and recharge, ready to face whatever comes your way.

My life is like a book.

Each day, words - etched into the pages of the book of my life.

Words, moments. In this ever growing tale.

Years = chapters….

Each new year - The next chapter in the book.

The Last chapter, Love, Sadness, Heartbreak, …

… Hope, Strength, Resilience.

Victory.

As rough as the battle was, victory was still achieved.


Now… Get ready for the next great chapter,

In the book of MY life…

A man rises at dawn, removing the mask that is his past.

He wants to start a new, using scissors to cut the memories of the past.
Visions that haunt him, enduring many sleepless nights reliving the horrors from long ago.

His future awaits, and he will no longer wear the burden that is the mask.

The scars of his past, erased by the dreams of his future.

Healing is glorified

They make you think healing is sweet, soft, delicate.
They show the end result, when you finally open your eyes after a long rest, feeling better and ready for life…

But really, healing the hardest process to go through

You feel so much, you relive the past. You wonder about the future and what it holds.

Sometimes, it breaks you down to your knees.

Healing is messy. Healing is painful. Healing is hard

Healing can feel like you are fighting a war, some days losing that war.
And some days winning it.

But in the end, healing is worth it

When you wake up on the other side and the sun is shining on you and you feel more free than you ever have.

When the burdens of the past cease to exist and the weight of the world you once carried on your shoulders fades into oblivion.

Some day, that is what I wish for you, and for myself.
That we are free, unburdened, unchained, by the events of our past.

After the dawning of the rain and the darkening of the earth, in the time of the great plague of floods.
When Thunder and Lightning ruled the earth,
That was only the beginning…

Another villain came into play… The Queen of Frost.

She marched in, her long sapphire cloak trailing behind her, calling out in a shrill voice and a wicked grin
“You have done well, boys… Now step aside, it is my turn to play!!”
She tossed them aside, a great sense of cold washing through their core...

Thunder and Lightning scowled and glared, but moved along, knowing the power of the Frost Queen is one they just could not match.

Laughing maniacally, she uttered her spells, casting a chill upon the earth
Turning the earth into a frozen wasteland
Staring down evily at her work, as ice consumed the world

Thunder and Lightning stood horrified, knowing that she took over their work. They were just having fun, while she sought ultimate power…

“What have we done…?” They asked together, wanting all of this to be just a horrible dream.
Hoping one day, they get the chance to right their wrongs...

Thunder and Lightning, the two lords of the sky.

Jealous of the legend, fame, and success of the cloud master.
How they never got any of that fame or glory.
Always on the sidelines in someone else's story.
Fell into a deep state of rage.

The clouds blackened as the earth was plunged into darkness.
Rain fell to the earth, blinding lightning and deafening thunder flashed upon the sky.

The cloud master, watching in complete horror, at the work of the two enraged lords, laughing maniacally at their work

Floods now plunged the earth, countless towns destroyed from the rushing waves.

They went mad with power, blinded by the destruction they were able to unleash upon the earth.

The earthlings, trembling and terrified, as the once docile lords of the sky, wreak havoc upon the earth...

Why do I make the choice, every single day, to keep on living???
To keep on fighting, every single storm I ever go through…
Fighting every single day, to make it to the next…

Well….


I have a story.
I have a voice.
And I will never be silent…

And my voice, my story,

Can change the lives of others.
I can give them hope, for victories in their battles.
I can be a light on their darkest days.
I can protect them from facing the battles that I have faced…

I lived today, so I could be a protector…
I can help change the script in the story of someone’s life…
I can help brighten the pages, soon to be written.

This, is why I fight…
This is why I live.

Hey, kid…
You are hurting. I can tell…

I can see it in the fact that your eyes do not sparkle as bright.
Your eyes are looking out at the world, but it feels like you are seeing in black and grey.
As if a foggy haze surrounds you.

I can hear it in your voice, that doesn’t sing to your passions to the world.
Your once boisterous, carefree and cheerful voice now sounds small, sorrowful and defeated.

I can tell by the way your head hangs low, the feeling of defeat looms over you.

I can tell, by the way that your heart feels like it has been crushed.
It feels like it is beating at half speed. It feels like it’s beating for nothing.

Well, you are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to feel. You are allowed to fall to your knees and fall apart.’
You are allowed to feel down and out, just allow yourself the grace and love you put out to those around you.
Be gentle on yourself. You are hurting. You are allowed to.

I know

You TRIED to break me…

You were slick… Using the very vulnerabilities I had shared with you to claw your way in and make me feel safe, and once that happened, you took your ******* mask off and the real you came out, like I knew was there in the past. I should have ran far and fast right when that happened, but you had your claws dug in so deep, I could not flee.

You knew you were never good enough, so to keep me, you had to break me down and reduce me to nothing, stripping me of all my power.
You had full control and called all of the shots.

Your hope was that when you drained me of my use and decided to leave, taking everything with you, the destruction you caused would permanently shatter me…

Well let me tell you, I have done so much work to heal and build myself back up…
To make you just a little blip in the timeline of my life, instead of a massive disaster.

Looking back, I do not remember any of the good times, because they were few and far between, and most of them were followed by a one way fight, you screaming and me just taking it…

So maybe it was just to spite you, or to **** you off, but after you left, I kept living…

I can’t for one second say that I wish you well… Because that would be the ultimate lie.
I wish you the life you have, and all the karma that comes with it.

These next words are like honey and Lavender coming from my mouth,
I survived you.