i love you
but you're 512 miles away
7 hours 54 minutes away
on an empty road
with no traffic
no construction
no bathroom breaks
no gas refills
no car trouble
no breakfast, lunch or dinner
unrealistic.
are we unrealistic?
are we holding onto nothing?
i love you
but i can't hear you through the phone
you can't see me crying every night
you can't hold me when i'm crying every night
i love you
but i'm not happy
i'm not eating
i'm not sleeping
i'm not smiling
i'm just waiting
just waiting
for the 2 days we get together
once a month
and then back to
crying
the light at the end of the tunnel is gone
my spirit is broken
my love is aching
my heart is breaking
i love you
but you're too **** far away
i love you
but i can't keep doing this forever

I’m addicted to the feel of cold metal sliding across bare flesh
Addicted to the instant
when nothing marks smooth skin
immediately before
red rivers rapidly rise
painting a once white canvas
with a flood of emotion,
tears on my cheeks,
sobs caught in my throat,
numbness replaced by pain & sadness.
Addicted to the imperfection
of red welts and dotted scabs that follow,
fingers drawn like magnets
to the texture of healing skin,
tracing over and over and over now fading ridges
Amazed that I am strong enough
to heal myself over and over and over.
Convincing myself that I am strong enough.
I find strength in my weakness.

He asks me why I’m sad,
I wish I had an answer.
He thinks I’m hiding something from him,
I’m just dealing with something I don’t fully comprehend.
I wish that he could understand and see the pain I feel without having all the details.
I wish that he would support me no matter how much I tell him because that it what I need from him.
And I’m not ready to give him more.

Yelling
screaming
  doubting
   shouting
    kicking
     hitting
      pushing
       pulling
        falling
         crashing
          smashing
           lashing
            grabbing
             stabbing
              winning
               losing
                running
                 hiding
                  crawling
                   stalling
                    stealing
                     hunting
                      hurting
                       spying
                        crying
                         killing
                          dying
                     always lying
                   endless fighting
           When will this battle end?

"Hi how are you?"

Well, it took everything I had this morning
to get up and leave my bed
Don't ask me if I showered
or even brushed my teeth
My reflection shamed me in the mirror
Told me I am ugly
I am fat
Couldn't stand her harsh words
Fled the bathroom after that
No makeup, unbrushed hair
Threw on a wrinkled shirt
Can't explain how hard it was to walk out the door
My anxiety is crippling.
Keep my eyes down on the floor
I stay out of strangers' way
Hoping I'll get lucky
Please no one talk to me today.
I slipped into the bathroom
Don't look into Medusa's eyes
Pushed my fingers down my throat
I didn't deserve those fries.
Anxiety, depression, an eating disorder too
I'm not doing my best
but that's not what I'll tell you.

"Fine, thank you for asking."

Your love is a cigarette,
burning with passion.
I breathe you in deeply,
watch white turn to ashen.

My stress disappears,
a temporary buzz.
You make me feel better,
your smile always does.

My lungs draw you in,
inhaling your air,
while telling myself
that you must really care.

I know I should quit.
You're bad for my health.
Your love's filled with toxins
that sneak up with stealth.

As soon as you're gone,
I'll crave you again.
Headaches and heartaches,
I need you again.

So light up another,
Until I get smarter,
old habits die hard,
bad habits die harder.

Last time I promise,
I can't keep this up.
You're killing my insides,
your love is corrupt

The longer I love you,
the more toxic you get.
I'm addicted to you
like my first cigarette.

I gave you every last drop of me
I gave you everything I had
And you took it
Selfishly
Greedily
You beat me with your cruel words
Whipping my bare body with shame and pain
You ripped through my world
Tearing apart my mind and soul
Stole away my passion
My smile
My desires
My drive
You starved me of my happiness
Til I was withering away
A ghost of the girl I used to be
A shell of a human
So fragile
So deprived
So dependent
Not alive
You made me scared
You made me need you
You made me beg
You made me plead.

You left
And I will never be the same.

This love is
crippling
I am nothing
Without you
Disabled
Missing a vital *****
My heart
Still beating
Ripped from my chest
Leave a wound
Leave a scar
For the world to see
That I am yours
I give you everything I am
This love
Tortures me
Tears apart my insides
Takes away my breath
A love so strong it terrifies me

I'm running out of breathe
My limbs are feeling weak
My heart begins to throb
An aching in my feet

My head it starts to spin
My eyes are slow to blink
A pounding in my temples
It's getting hard to think

My legs are cramping up
My arms are feeling sore
Tears are running hot
I'm falling on the floor

Pretending perfection
It's draining me quickly
Hard to recognize myself
I'm looking rather sickly

The energy it takes
to keep this smile in place
To hide my depression
I'll die at this pace

I was drowning.
Underwater.
Fighting for air,
fighting to swim.
Drowning, underwater.
Something held me down,
Something kept me from taking a breath.
Drowning, underwater.
I tried to float, but always sank.
I tried to breathe, but always choked.
Drowning, underwater.
I had no escape.

But you saved me.

You cut me loose.
Taught me how to swim,
taught me I could breathe.
Inhale, exhale.
Taught me I could smile,
taught me I could laugh.
You showed me kindness.
You showed me happiness.
When I found you,
I found me.
You gave me life,
you gave me purpose.

But you changed your mind.

Was I not enough?
not smart enough
not pretty enough
not skinny enough
not **** enough
not happy enough?

Was I too much?
Did I ask too much?
Did I care too much?
Did I love too much?
Did I need too much?
Did I hurt you?
Did I scare you?

Why were you so ******* afraid

Afraid of change
afraid of unknowns
afraid to let me in
afraid to feel what we felt
afraid of distance
afraid of trying
afraid to love me
afraid to let me love you
afraid of the future
afraid of us
afraid of this happiness
afraid it wouldn't last

But I needed you.

Now I'm drowning.
Underwater.
Fighting for air,
fighting to swim.
Drowning, underwater.
You're holding me down,
You're keeping me from taking a breath.
Drowning, underwater.
I'm trying to float, but I'm sinking.
I'm trying to breathe, but I'm choking.
Drowning, underwater.
There is no escape.

But I can't forget you.

Your words grab my ankles,
tying me to the ocean bottom.
I'm kicking and fighting,
but your touch paralyzes me.
I'm crying for help,
but your memory suffocates me.
No one sees me,
no one hears me,
no one saves me.
You don't save me.
Drowning,
Underwater.

But I still love you.

I would like to sleep tonight
but I am held hostage
by the demons
in my head

My anxiety is winning every battle I fight

What if
every time we were on the verge of tears
ready to cry
ready to breakdown
ready to give up
ready to shut the world out

...what if we smiled at a stranger instead,
they might be feeling the same way.

Why does a razor make my heart flutter
Why am I always craving blood
Why do I think about driving into that tractor trailer
or debate how long my car would take to flood

Why do I cry myself to sleep
Lying on the cold bathroom floor
But lay awake throughout the night
Feeling nothing but numb to the core

Why won't my mind stop screaming
Wondering who would find me at my worst
Or who it is that might miss me
If I could find the courage to swallow these pills first

Why do these thoughts torment me
When I have no reason to feel this bad
Why can't I find my happy
I'm so tired of being sad

You say you are listening...
but do you hear the pain in my voice?

You say you hear me...
but are you listening to my cries for help?

You say you can help me...
but where are you when I need you most?

You say I can trust you...
but are my demons safe with you?

You say you see me...
but do you see my scars?

You say you love me...
but do you mean goodbye?