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Bree Aug 2018
i love you
but you're 512 miles away
7 hours 54 minutes away
on an empty road
with no traffic
no construction
no bathroom breaks
no gas refills
no car trouble
no breakfast, lunch or dinner
unrealistic.
are we unrealistic?
are we holding onto nothing?
i love you
but i can't hear you through the phone
you can't see me crying every night
you can't hold me when i'm crying every night
i love you
but i'm not happy
i'm not eating
i'm not sleeping
i'm not smiling
i'm just waiting
just waiting
for the 2 days we get together
once a month
and then back to
crying
the light at the end of the tunnel is gone
my spirit is broken
my love is aching
my heart is breaking
i love you
but you're too **** far away
i love you
but i can't keep doing this forever
Bree Dec 2018
I’m addicted to the feel of cold metal sliding across bare flesh
Addicted to the instant
when nothing marks smooth skin
immediately before
red rivers rapidly rise
painting a once white canvas
with a flood of emotion,
tears on my cheeks,
sobs caught in my throat,
numbness replaced by pain & sadness.
Addicted to the imperfection
of red welts and dotted scabs that follow,
fingers drawn like magnets
to the texture of healing skin,
tracing over and over and over now fading ridges
Amazed that I am strong enough
to heal myself over and over and over.
Convincing myself that I am strong enough.
I find strength in my weakness.
6 months self harm free! Writing about it helps fight the urge
Bree Nov 2018
Anxiety is a tyrant
controlling
oppressing
dictating
tormenting
Bree Jan 2021
This sadness
feels so deeply rooted within me
that I wonder
would I even feel like myself without it?
Bree Feb 2019
He asks me why I’m sad,
I wish I had an answer.
He thinks I’m hiding something from him,
I’m just dealing with something I don’t fully comprehend.
I wish that he could understand and see the pain I feel without having all the details.
I wish that he would support me no matter how much I tell him because that it what I need from him.
And I’m not ready to give him more.
Bree Apr 2019
A dictionary will tell you
that drowning
is the submersion in and inhalation of water.
But I know the truth.
I am drowning in sadness
and loneliness
and despair.
In grief.
In isolation.
In self-criticism.
I'm drowning in my thoughts.
I'm drowning in desires
and emotion
and passion.
In anxiety.
In darkness.
In depression.
I'm drowning in fallen dreams, regrets, mistakes.
I'm drowning
I'm drowning
I'm drowning
and not a drop of water in sight.
Bree Aug 2018
Yelling
screaming
  doubting
   shouting
    kicking
     hitting
      pushing
       pulling
        falling
         crashing
          smashing
           lashing
            grabbing
             stabbing
              winning
               losing
                running
                 hiding
                  crawling
                   stalling
                    stealing
                     hunting
                      hurting
                       spying
                        crying
                         killing
                          dying
                     always lying
                   endless fighting
           When will this battle end?
Bree Sep 2018
"Hi how are you?"

Well, it took everything I had this morning
to get up and leave my bed
Don't ask me if I showered
or even brushed my teeth
My reflection shamed me in the mirror
Told me I am ugly
I am fat
Couldn't stand her harsh words
Fled the bathroom after that
No makeup, unbrushed hair
Threw on a wrinkled shirt
Can't explain how hard it was to walk out the door
My anxiety is crippling.
Keep my eyes down on the floor
I stay out of strangers' way
Hoping I'll get lucky
Please no one talk to me today.
I slipped into the bathroom
Don't look into Medusa's eyes
Pushed my fingers down my throat
I didn't deserve those fries.
Anxiety, depression, an eating disorder too
I'm not doing my best
but that's not what I'll tell you.

"Fine, thank you for asking."
Bree Jul 2018
Your love is a cigarette,
burning with passion.
I breathe you in deeply,
watch white turn to ashen.

My stress disappears,
a temporary buzz.
You make me feel better,
your smile always does.

My lungs draw you in,
inhaling your air,
while telling myself
that you must really care.

I know I should quit.
You're bad for my health.
Your love's filled with toxins
that sneak up with stealth.

As soon as you're gone,
I'll crave you again.
Headaches and heartaches,
I need you again.

So light up another,
Until I get smarter,
old habits die hard,
bad habits die harder.

Last time I promise,
I can't keep this up.
You're killing my insides,
your love is corrupt

The longer I love you,
the more toxic you get.
I'm addicted to you
like my first cigarette.
Bree Oct 2018
why
do you
lift
my hopes
up so high
that I am on the moon
just to watch me
crash
back to this earth
breaking down
falling apart
catching fire
when you let me down
again?
Bree Aug 2018
Raging, rushing streams
Beautiful, rippling ponds
Rivers slowly rise
Sorrow-filled tears from the clouds
Under these thundering skies
Bree Jul 2018
Silver metal flashes across white flesh.
For an instant, nothing.
Eye of the storm.
Only an instant
Before a red pen line marks my body.
Red ink bleeds and smears
Against a worn canvas,
Striped by days and nights I wish I could forget.
Bree Dec 2018
How could I ever share with you
the dark thoughts inside my head
When just the thought of me in pain
would wake you in the night
My demons are mine alone to bare
I refuse to give them the satisfaction
of worrying the ones I love
Bree Nov 2018
I gave you every last drop of me
I gave you everything I had
And you took it
Selfishly
Greedily
You beat me with your cruel words
Whipping my bare body with shame and pain
You ripped through my world
Tearing apart my mind and soul
Stole away my passion
My smile
My desires
My drive
You starved me of my happiness
Til I was withering away
A ghost of the girl I used to be
A shell of a human
So fragile
So deprived
So dependent
Not alive
You made me scared
You made me need you
You made me beg
You made me plead.

You left
And I will never be the same.
Bree Jan 2019
Through blurry tear-filled eyes
I watched hungry flames
devour your home
consuming what you once knew
growing larger and greedier with every gasping breath you took
I watched furious fumes fill the night sky
and angry black smoke pour out your now shattered windows
I watched red and blue lights surround the scene
hoses uncoiling
men in suits disappearing into the smoke
I watched in slow motion
as they carried your blackened body out
You remained limp and lifeless
under their desperate attempts to jumpstart your heart
Were you gone at that point?
Were you fighting inside?
I lost my breath watching them force air into your lungs
hoping maybe you’d take mine
hoping maybe you’d be fine
My hands shook, my heart raced
waiting for you to open your eyes
but they scurried you away to your last speedy ride
Standing in silence
listening to sirens fade away
I prayed to the Lord to keep you alive,
I prayed for your family, your friends, and your bride,
I prayed you’d find heaven
I prayed as I cried
knowing already that I’d watched you die
Bree May 2019
Today
For the first time
In a long time
I chose me
I made my happiness
My highest priority
And I am so proud of that decision
Bree Sep 2018
This love is
crippling
I am nothing
Without you
Disabled
Missing a vital *****
My heart
Still beating
Ripped from my chest
Leave a wound
Leave a scar
For the world to see
That I am yours
I give you everything I am
This love
Tortures me
Tears apart my insides
Takes away my breath
A love so strong it terrifies me
Bree Jul 2018
I'm running out of breathe
My limbs are feeling weak
My heart begins to throb
An aching in my feet

My head it starts to spin
My eyes are slow to blink
A pounding in my temples
It's getting hard to think

My legs are cramping up
My arms are feeling sore
Tears are running hot
I'm falling on the floor

Pretending perfection
It's draining me quickly
Hard to recognize myself
I'm looking rather sickly

The energy it takes
to keep this smile in place
To hide my depression
I'll die at this pace
Bree Jul 2018
Please don't judge
Please understand
I hate myself
It's who I am.
But don't be worried,
don't be scared.
I'll love you more
than others can.
You'll be the only one I love
I don't love me
So it's all for you.
My heart is yours
Yours to take,
Hold it close,
Keep it safe.
Bree Jul 2018
I was drowning.
Underwater.
Fighting for air,
fighting to swim.
Drowning, underwater.
Something held me down,
Something kept me from taking a breath.
Drowning, underwater.
I tried to float, but always sank.
I tried to breathe, but always choked.
Drowning, underwater.
I had no escape.

But you saved me.

You cut me loose.
Taught me how to swim,
taught me I could breathe.
Inhale, exhale.
Taught me I could smile,
taught me I could laugh.
You showed me kindness.
You showed me happiness.
When I found you,
I found me.
You gave me life,
you gave me purpose.

But you changed your mind.

Was I not enough?
not smart enough
not pretty enough
not skinny enough
not **** enough
not happy enough?

Was I too much?
Did I ask too much?
Did I care too much?
Did I love too much?
Did I need too much?
Did I hurt you?
Did I scare you?

Why were you so ******* afraid

Afraid of change
afraid of unknowns
afraid to let me in
afraid to feel what we felt
afraid of distance
afraid of trying
afraid to love me
afraid to let me love you
afraid of the future
afraid of us
afraid of this happiness
afraid it wouldn't last

But I needed you.

Now I'm drowning.
Underwater.
Fighting for air,
fighting to swim.
Drowning, underwater.
You're holding me down,
You're keeping me from taking a breath.
Drowning, underwater.
I'm trying to float, but I'm sinking.
I'm trying to breathe, but I'm choking.
Drowning, underwater.
There is no escape.

But I can't forget you.

Your words grab my ankles,
tying me to the ocean bottom.
I'm kicking and fighting,
but your touch paralyzes me.
I'm crying for help,
but your memory suffocates me.
No one sees me,
no one hears me,
no one saves me.
You don't save me.
Drowning,
Underwater.

But I still love you.
Bree Jan 2021
My anxiety is winning every battle I fight
Bree Nov 2018
I would like to sleep tonight
but I am held hostage
by the demons
in my head
Bree Oct 2018
What if
every time we were on the verge of tears
ready to cry
ready to breakdown
ready to give up
ready to shut the world out

...what if we smiled at a stranger instead,
they might be feeling the same way.
Why
Bree Jul 2020
Why
Why am I still holding on to you
While you’re holding on to someone else
Bree Oct 2018
Why does a razor make my heart flutter
Why am I always craving blood
Why do I think about driving into that tractor trailer
or debate how long my car would take to flood

Why do I cry myself to sleep
Lying on the cold bathroom floor
But lay awake throughout the night
Feeling nothing but numb to the core

Why won't my mind stop screaming
Wondering who would find me at my worst
Or who it is that might miss me
If I could find the courage to swallow these pills first

Why do these thoughts torment me
When I have no reason to feel this bad
Why can't I find my happy
I'm so tired of being sad
Bree Nov 2018
You say you are listening...
but do you hear the pain in my voice?

You say you hear me...
but are you listening to my cries for help?

You say you can help me...
but where are you when I need you most?

You say I can trust you...
but are my demons safe with you?

You say you see me...
but do you see my scars?

You say you love me...
but do you mean goodbye?

— The End —