they told me
my father died quietly
in his sleep
at 2 a.m.

with his pain-ridden last years
I think he was not unhappy
to go farther for once
return to the cosmos he came from
wake up painless
     at peace
floating in the universe
he had admired from mountain peaks
all of his life

the time your feelings
are only at your back
    and not in front of you
it may not be so wise
to start another tryst

emotions hanging in mid-air
suspended in a cosmic cold
might gravely chill
whatever the new fire

make your attempted new desire
dire

I was down.

And so I decided I needed flowers.

But not roses. Because roses have thorns.
And I am so sensitive lately.

I decided, not mixed flowers.
Because I’m mixed up.
And I need to stabilize.

I decided, not tulips.
Because tulips droop.

I decided,
I need gerbera daisies, bright.

Because gerbera daisies stand upright.

And so I bought some
in a wonderful shade of Fuchsia.

Lately
I don’t feel close
to poetry.

It feels elusive.
Unfamiliar.
Once it spoke to me.
But now it’s mute.

It sits back
and doesn’t look
at me.

If I call out
it doesn’t hear.

Lately poetry is
like that demon
I used to want
to reappear.

Shouldn't be in public
Not fit for company
Won't remember names
Might interrupt, awkwardly
Failed attempts at humour
You must hate me
Failed attempts at flattery
Please don't hate me
Didn't mean to say that
Small talk breakdown
Why am I still talking
Self sabotage takedown
Why am I still here
I'm the absolute worst
This shouldn't be so painful
I wish I wasn't cursed

NCL May 2019