you look in the mirror and you see something putrid, you look away with disgust, you back away, you look down and you use it.
you do not cry out, you don't scream, you don't fall, or trip, or
hesitate,
you just use it.
and then you feel it,
you feel that emptiness release your body,
you let it consume you entirely,
you don't flee,
or run to ,
you just stay,
you don't regret and you don't think what if?
you
finally you feel better
relieved,
then your sense comes back, and your freedom disappears,
runs away like a little girl from a scary nightmare,
and without your consent it returns,
but
the marks remain,
the evidence of your release shouts loudly to their eyes,
to all their eyes,
so you wonder what if
the person standing right next to you or walking a few feet away has done the same exact thing?
used the same escape?
what
if
they did exactly what you fantasized about just a few minutes ago?
and
you
were to blind to see?
to deaf to hear?
to ignorant to realize?
to selfish to try to even look through their wall?

yesterday I had fallen under your spell,
sweet, deep, dark and handsome
oh how could a little gal resist?

today we're stepping out of the corridor,
yeah we're making leaps and bounds,
reaching our hands out together,
and every beat I did indeed skip

tomorrow ill ask for more and what
ill expect is what you shall deliver
yeah thank you very much my love
you're so far away and yet you still give me what thyself hath expected

abound in the withering hands of deceit
my mouth waters for your delicacy sweet and inviting
drenched within the naivety of her singular truth

moments later I am cleared
the familiar parasite is quenched
I have fed him
and the wind is in my face yet again
anticipating what thou heart hath squandered up

fantastical dreams
beseech my lap
where art thou fallacy?

Depression is the reason you think I am so successful.
I am never good enough.
My grades are never perfect enough
My weight is never low enough
My comments are never witty enough
My photographs are never the best
My poems are never decent
My life is meaningless unless I create massive change.
My life is disposable with each second that passes.
And that is why you think I am such a success.
How odd it is for people to compliment you and be jealous of some things when you youself only do these things because of your depression?
What a conundrum.
How odd it is to inspire another when you are the biggest disappointment you know?
How odd it is to have someone give your life value when you cannot?

once upon a time there was a girl,
she was purely happy,
and she was a young one to,
she had little friends but they were the best of best friend friends,
that girl lived everyday to the fullest,
the girl explored her brain,
but one day the girl brroke that door down in her brain,
one day that girl tore the blindfold off her eyes,
one day that girl decided she wasn't what she wanted ti be,
wanted to represent,
one day that girl changed
that girl became the one to be told to shut her mouth,
but that girl shall express her opiion, no matter what you tell her what o do,
no matter how hard you punch,
no matter how  sharp your knife is,
no matter how much your pathetic words sting,
that irl changed,
that girl wanted to BE somehing,
because she could,
that girl isn't as happy anymore, at all, but the price of happiness for the lpeasureof seeing the world for what it really is is more than justifiable,
that girl see's the lie behind your eyes now,
she see's people for who they are now,
including herself.
and that girl now, has many more flaws than before,
but that girl has oh so much more pride in herself, for that girl,
see's.

It never happened before.
no one else's poetry had ever brought tears to my eyes.
not even close.
and then I read yours.
and it happened.
the thing is,
I cannot tell you this.
I cannot say it.
because it reminded me of myself.
it reminded me of my own relationships with older friends.
and so,
the feeling your words made erupt inside me, has never been more resented.
because my bliss, curtain of ignorance was appreciated.
at least in that area.
because it never occurred to me that I could be the one damaging him, not the other way around.
and you see this presents myself with the question, am I really that selfish?
to not even consider, to no to even fathom the concept, that I am what made you fall?

Look into the eyes,
the eyes which degrade and ******.
Condemning those who wish to escape to years in solitude.
Tearing apart the wounds of scars healed up long, long, ago.
Peeeeeeeling back the wall paper which covered up monstrosities, and capturing the deranged inside the wicked;
placing them upon the souls of those innocent thoughts,
those innocent desires and wishes
and dreams.
Burning the shape of water into the stagnant pose of fragility.
Grappling with dandelions trying to steal the berries.
Pouring gas into the wilderness
the beautiful,
free,
                                                                                            abyss of hope,
Shattered with the soft whispers of the trees themselves.

Infiltrate.
Just like a burning fire,
lights a can of gasoline.

Just like your eyes.

It’s the little things.
Like the feeling of my head against his chest, like the look in his eyes, the comfort I find in his presence.
Like the colors of the sky, like the sounds of the night, like the sights I have never seen but soon will.
Like the feeling of love, the feeling of acceptance, the feeling of embracing anything and everything.
The feeling of finding your match, your one and only.
Enlightenment.
Like the feeling of wind in my hair, and freedom at my grasp, and power in my voice.
Like the hope for a new tomorrow.
It’s the big things.

for oh so long you stayed,
ripping my heart and brain to shreds,
stealing away my innocence,
willing me to do awful, dreadful, things,
that sounded beautiful coming out of your mouth,
you said it was the answer,
and I was foolish enough to
believe.
you said it would help, and it did and didn't.
you said that it would make me feel better,
you pried and pried and I caved.
and let my mind take over my actions.
and let the feelings sink away.
and so you hid,
ran away to a little corner,
making me believe I was free of this addiction, free of your grasp, free of your pounding fists upon my lungs,
and so I tried, and tried and tried and tried,
and it wasn't worth it,
because your drag me so slow that,
half way back, felt just like the beginning.
felt jus like a half real smile, felt like a half way honest comment,
but you see,
your imaginary leave of absence,
led me to believe,
I was out, I was done,
I was
better.
but, maybe you should have just stayed,
because,
now your back,
and while I thought I was climbing, I was sinking,
even lower than before,
where there is no branch for me to use,
where the light, is a figment of my imagination,
so your back, and thriving, feeding off of there beautiful comments,
gaining control through someone else's words, and actions,
so you have retuned.
will you stay, or put me under that spell again?
will you finish your intentions,
or will I prevail?

why is it that I can act fine, I can impersonate the happy...
and yet I can never feel it.
Is it that being content is being happy?
I felt it once.
I can remember it in an old memory.
I was the only one at the park, where most of my summer was and still is spent,
it was a fall day.
All the leaves had turned color, but not yet fallen.
I was about to go to a football game.
I had some time to spare.
So I joined the lonely swings.
It felt as if, one day I could breathe.
I had forgotten everything, and it was just the rapid squeaking of the old swing, and the wind at my ears.
My face, and ears getting bitten by the cold.
And my heart feeling warmth for the first time in a year and a half.
I jumped off that swing, when I could no longer get any higher.
Then I walked to the game.
Back to reality.
3 years ago.

I heard this poem by the peace poets about how
The world is out there for me
And you.
About how the world is awaiting us
All the world has to offer
All the amazing and beautiful experiences,
Sights,
Tastes,
Loves.
And I could not help but break at the thought of feeling this amount of joy about what the world has to offer...
Because I want nothing more than to embrace it all and feel happy,
I want nothing more than to breathe and not have it be a deep sigh of disappointment in myself.

How I dream of traveling and embracing cultures and how I fear I will continue to be as depressed as I am here all the way over there.
how I no longer find moments of peace and solitude.
The hope is withering away.
My ambition and self love and confidence and drive,
Are becoming particles of what was once a grand masterpiece.  
And what is left,
Are the tears of opportunities, I will seize but fail to enjoy within my heart.

the bridge
it's sitting out there just out of your reach
so close you can touch it
so tempting you almost dared to jump for it
but that almost
was just a thought

your hope
you were so close to it
you had a taste
and vomited it up just as quickly

your love
to much of a coward to stay
you were there
and you
cut your heart out before he or she had the chance to

your damnation
you waltzed with it, let it linger
you let it infuse with your being
ignorant to its poison

your heaven
you hid
letting the fear
**** your desire
and leave it in the dark

your hell
you thought your "higher than man" self
could out wit the master

your failure
you accepted it
sometimes without acknowledgement

and

your success
you wouldn't take notice

your future, past, and present

dominated by your pathetic
weak
ever so disappointing
"needs"

so here the girl lays, thinking i'm going to be so ******* ****** if he doesn't reply, and then I realize I don't really give a **** if he does or doesn't.
Because hey here I lay ******* some other guy.
because hey here I lay lying to him.
because hey here I lay teasing the hell out of you.
because hey here I lay fantasizing of sunsets and ponies.
because hey here I lay cutting once again.
because hey here I lay ******* some chick.
because hey here I lay picking flowers, while smelling honey all by myself.
because hey here I lay faking a smile to the world.
Because hey here I lay wondering when i'll get caught.
because hey here I lay texting you, while
falling
for
him.

how is it okay that the people we elect, the people that demand my respect,
are just as morally corrupted as the rest of us?
You ask me to give you respect but, where is my respect?
I don't care if you find me rude.
I will not give you respect when you look down on me, or others for their appearance, or how they talk, or their sexuality.
I refuse to give you respect when you try to shove your beliefs down my throat.
Why should I give you respect because of your tittle?
How do I know you earned that?
On the other hand where do I get off, suspecting that you didn't earn that tittle, that placement of power?
aren't I just as bad as the person who would demand it, as I judge that you don't deserve respect?
Where is the line?
all too vague,
is respect demanded, or earned?
or a courtesy?

1 she laughs and walks and calls a stranger daddy and never sees her biological father who cares
2 the terrible twos
3 she puts An Apple down the toilet
4 she is a big sister and a younger sister and a middle child and has many half siblings and her family is complicated
5 she is enlisted into the education system and she is touched by her cousin her own age
6 she struggles with holding hands and crayons
7 she is nicknamed by the older kids and she cannot remember how to spell or how to write the letters the right way
8 she has failed 1st grade but she has fought back against those who have labeled her
9 she has gotten better grades yet she is miserable
10 she is so excited to be double digits and no one comes to her birthday party but her bestie
11 she has grades and a few friends and the jerks in her grade matter less
12 tech is amazing but the boys ruin it and so she frowns
13 her bestie has left and she roams the friend groups
14 her dog from birth has died and she starting to realize she is sad all the time and has been
15 she has been smoking and circulating groups
16 she is driving and she has two groups shelf friends but they hate each other and she has grades and she has already tried to die 3 times
17 4 *** partners later she finds her love of her life
18 high school to college and her hopes of something better was crushed
19 she has yet to tackle her self diagnosed depression

you see
if i were to be gone tommorro,
the world would still spin.
the sun would still
shine.
the snow would still
fall.
the laughter would
continue.
the insults would
keep
on
comin.
you see if i were not here tommorro, people would care,
yet people would
move
on.
you see if i were not here tommoro it would make a little difference,
but you see with my being here tommorro,
i can make a even bigger difference.
so why would i leave when i can prove you wrong,
why would i leave when i can be happy, and laugh,
why would i leave if you intrige me so,
why would i leave if i loved,
why would i leave if i wanted to be me,
why would i leave if i wanted to write,
why would i leave if i wanted to help you,
why would i leve if i wanted,
needed,
to prove myself wrong?

Sometimes I feel like a tree
in the middle of a field
with forests surrounding said field glancing upon anything
but the singular tree
Yet now I feel like I am the bark
and you are the leaves
And we are that one
single
tree
the only eyes I shall ever beg to look upon me
Are the ones that have accompanied my growing core
As you feed into me I support you
And we soak up the sunlight and water and nutrients like no other
Because you and me
We are that
one
Single
Tree

I wish you had called me. I wish you were more clear that morning. I wish you had stopped me. I wish you cared as much as I did. I wish I was good enough for you.

i remember being afraid
and i remember being threatened in a way only i would be afraid
and i remember asking everyday as though it was a secret i had willingly aided in creating
and i remember anger
and confusion at the end
and it blurs all over but so does every other memory
and the thing is i just do not know.
and i feel ashamed and i feel weak
i feel inadequate and dumb
a misrepresentation of all that i stand for
i feel afraid
but i feel i must say something
when my mother asks again
and after 19 years i finally say yes
i finally confirm her questions
because it was no longer just i
but my sister as well
and that simply, will not do.
and that is what opened my mouth
and that may be what fuels my fist into his face

What an exhilarating experience life is
What a privilege I have to smile
And laugh
And be free
How the colors twinkle
How the music plays in the bumpy car ride with the one I love sitting next to me
My gratitude is out of this world
And this is why it so sad
When I am
Sitting In the car with the hand of the one I love on my thigh
And I still think
It is okay if I die

Guidelines
Instructions for how to
Is what I would like
A checklist
A timeline
A conversation
A time ago
I was connected to you
Sexually and emotionally intertwined
A love in a way
No future together but the present moment was one unlike any other
The shared understanding of sadness
The moans and passion and heart
The eyes wandering in the shower
And the jokes had
That we both knew were not jokes
And the heartbreak explained
And the mistakes made
And the opportunities never fulfilled
And the dates never planned
And the being together never happening
And the you no longer being
And the you no longer breathing
And the you no longer seeing
And the you no longer existing

Break Break Break
I found out
I cried
I broke
And I broke up with the original boyfriend
I lived
I worked
I fought
I moved
I graduated
I ******
I slept with
I used
I worked out
I crush here and there
I find someone
Someone I may want something with

And it is weird
It is not the same at all
Maybe it is a stepping stone
Maybe it is nothing at all
A journey to be had

A guideline is what I would like
For how to love again
And trust
And be with
And not be too emotional
For how to be me
With him
For how to be me with him and to not lose you
For how to bring you with me
While I love another

I do not know
Which is harder for me to accept
That you do not miss me
Or that I miss you so much?

Thank you for believing in me when I thought I was a joke.
Thank you for loving me when I could not love myself.
Then you for embracing my personality and heart and voice.
Thank you for accepting my identity as I am.
Thank you for claiming I am enough when I feel anything but such.
Thank you for finding value in my life where I see none.
Thank you for seeing beauty in a dying shell.
Thank you for keeping me here even when I wish I was not.
Thank you for giving my words power when I thought they had none.
Thank you for recognizing me.
Thank you for allowing my tears to fall and not make me feel ashamed.
Thank you for everything.

I don't know where to start.
To go back down that path I once held everything in.
This use to be the community that held all my secrets, where I felt safe.
And now it's like a distant memory but I am ever searching for it to be rekindled
Because maybe I strayed away and am ready to come back
This is where I let the tears fall during the darkest times
So now that the time is lighter, that I have escaped the hole somehow
Now that I am okay and I can say that without wincing
It is difficult to reflect
But I am
How do I help him when he is reminding me of the scars so much when his issues are exactly what brought me down?
How do I save him when I don't know how I saved myself?
I don't know if I will fall again or fall that hard
I'm scared to because those were the worst years of my life and maybe I've just begun ignoring it more
But I am okay. And he is not.
And the mystery still stands how do I help him when he doesn't want to get better?
This cycle is never ending and I cannot leave
Shall I fall and trip or will someone pull me away?

I miss singing at the top of my lungs and swinging, feeling as if i was a bird.
I was free there in that moment.
I miss making mud pies and collecting bugs with my cousin.
I miss bike rides around the same old block everyday.
I miss the passion in my actions.
I miss dressing up in a floppy hat skirt and shirt that didn't quite cover my flubby belly at the time and feeling like I was a model, feeling like I was the bomb dot com.
I miss making mud slides and the tire swing.
I miss the play fights and gun games and simply watching video games as my brothers wouldn't let me play.
I miss feeling comfortable with the man who's ***** led to my life.
I miss the ignorance my childhood Had kept me safe in.
I miss being able to hug him, without cringing.
And I miss being able to remember my thoughts.
I miss my life before anything had ever happened.
I miss when my mommy would ask has anyone touched you down there? And I could honestly say no.
I do not miss the lies I told everyday
I do not miss the feeling of never being able to open up.
I won't miss the feeling of being a mistake.
Nor will I miss the feeling of being a failure.
I will not miss the feeling of disgust  over my own body.
I will not miss the jealousy my step father had with my sister she was his blood.
I will not miss my mothers favoritism over Her first boy.
I will not miss the memories that I cannot access.
I will not miss the echo of words that should never have been uttered to a child.
I will not miss the unknowing monster in my mind feeding myself ideas of what happened the snippets floating away.
I will miss the feeling of a smile, the affection accepted from a loved one.
But it won't matter will it i won't have the choice what I remember or miss I won't be here at all.
What will you miss?

with every smile you do not relize what it takes out of me,
                                                       with every wod something is taken away without my concent,
with every waking up in the morning you do not relize the war it induces throughout my thriving viens, throughout my skull,
                                                         with every word you say, every word i hear from you, i crumble to pieces, yet to the eye, im perfectly fine,
                                                      with every "Are you ok?"
i crumble.
                                                          yYou do not relize how much i have screamed for you,
that now my throat is raw,
                                                      that now i cannot function as i use to or could i simply never function.


Was it all just one big delusion?

What does it mean to be in a place you’ve dreamt of and still be crying?

My heart breaks more and more each day
And it’s like your words have no meaning
Because it takes you so long to respond
And you do not love me the way I need you to
You do not accept my feelings for what they are
Instead I feel guilty
Until I will feel no more for you
And I will find a better someone new

I am trying so hard and it feels like nothing is getting done.
I miss a meeting or sleep through a class and I cannot seem to find the energy to start that book.
I order another pizza on uber eats and I drink coffee after coffee.
I take down the counseling centers information.
I took it down weeks ago.
The imminent failure that seems to be coming makes me paralyzed to preventing it.
I am so frustrated with myself.

Loosing hope in the man you love is a disappointing feeling like no other.

He pays me for the night.
He gifts me with a present.
He asks for a show and tell.
He asks for a season and no ***.
He reminds me of whose bed this is.
He reminds me of what we are.
He reminds me of what we are not.
He does not pay me and do I ask?
He will soon have another gift for me.
He asks for a cuddle and sleep night over.
He asks for a kiss.
I am unsure of this new playground.

I wake up in a fog
I get through the day
I try my best
I talk to her
And her
And them
And I laugh
And I smile
And I breeze through the day

I get home
“Home”
To this place I sleep

And I try to breathe
I try to be happy
I practice my gratitude
I try to keep my gym and eating habits
I try to stay stable
Stable is all I need

How to escape this depression
I will never
But being stable?
That is doable

So I wait until I get home to do the feeling
To do the crying
To being so busy I don’t have to think about you or about the lack of everything

Repeatedly I think
If only I believed in a God
I would be much happier
But I cannot accustom myself to this treachery
No matter the pain I feel
Half believing is not an act I could participate in

How many years will I spend fighting to love the body I’m in?

I think I’d prefer to remain by myself
To not begin a new friendship
The pain far outweighs the good
And disappointed I become again and again
When you fail to actually be a good friend

Have you ever seen a suicidal successful blond?
Have you ever thought of all the people on the edge around you?
Those that you have no clue, are in the same boat as you?

I am all alone.
In a world that I do not know.
I am all alone.
Without a friend or foe.
I am all alone.
Without a mate or love.

And I wonder,
Late at night,
Are these tears worth it?

“Don’t forget to be kind to yourself!”

scavenging in this wasteland i search
i look and unfold
i pick apart
i break open
i crush i smash i ruin
i disassemble
i assemble
i am in search of something
something i cannot place
i look
i hear
i taste
i click
i write
i try
the everlasting search is an ongoing investigation
yet it is an open and close case
the verdict has been made
oh boy i am being so ******* cliche
but how much longer will i search for my question i have not asked

What should you call the desire for a best friend that you’ll never ever have?

Glancing up to hear the flicker of her smile
It ***** slowly to the ground
A voice oh she sees it so loud!
Whispers whisper whispers
Your beautiful **** delicious I like you I want you I need you please
Shouts shouts shouts
Look down close your blinders
Close your disablement that we all share yet ironically ****** ourselves upon
Choke
Don't breathe
Glance up and a smack is waiting
Throwing you across the room
Never showing any sign of weakness
We fall to the floor and she's still standing head held high
Bowing her head shredding inside
The whispers make it through
Teasing her
As she shouts at herself
Becoming what all the voices tricked her of blanketed in her sanity created by the mirror and society
As she whispers to him

I want to live the lie I've been smiling at all of you