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2d · 116
Staying
Autumn 2d
I’ve fought this long
To stay here for you
I have done my best to
Continue
So that you had an older sister
To save you
To be there
To hold your hand
To hug you
And give you all the love you cannot give yourself

I’m still here because I know if I left
Others would leave too
And it would break my mom
And my brother would not recover

And I have stayed for you and you and you.  
Today
I can say I stayed for me too
But I am still here
With tears
Fighting and crawling
My way
To continue
May 15 · 344
Untitled
Autumn May 15
I keep trying to come here to write how I feel
But I am at a loss of words
I begin
And delete
And I attempt and fail
May 10 · 52
Untitled
Autumn May 10
I see you
And it reminds me that I was not good enough
And then my brain thinks and corrects itself
It reminds me that you were not ready to love me
It reminds me that if I want to keep a positive view of you that you simply need more time
It reminds me that you would rather be alone
May 3 · 44
Give me your hand
Autumn May 3
What I care about the most
Is not fixing inequality
Or finding the solutions to our poverty
Or removing the institutionalized racism that America is built upon and continues to exacerbate and capitalize upon
Or demilitarizing the world
Or fixing the human rights violations in China, Ukraine, the global south, in your own back yard
The most
What I care about the most
Is helping you fall in love with being alive again
Is helping someone find their desire to live
Is helping someone not merely continue to exist but to find joy in their day
It is to see the smile and spark in someone’s eyes
It is to hear their laughter after seeing their heart and brain and mind and entire being want to be no more
For everything I care about
For everything I want to stomp and fight and change and remove from the system
What I want the most
Is for you to reach out your hand
and feel the warmth touch your soul
For you to feel the joy so deeply your eyes water
You feel gratitude in your breath
And you bask in the sun
You smile in the face of opportunity
You hug the meaning of content
You find peace
May 3 · 54
Proud
Autumn May 3
My eyes full with tears
The joy I feel
Reflects in my smile for days
I am so proud of you
For being brave enough to want to see another day
For being here with me
For facing the darkness and choosing to fight your way to see a glimmer of light
I am so proud of you for getting out of bed and coming to work and showing up and being able to sit here and laugh with me today
I am so proud of you for existing
Apr 27 · 52
To miss or to ignore
Autumn Apr 27
I do not know
Which is harder for me to accept
That you do not miss me
Or that I miss you so much?
Apr 27 · 166
Untitled
Autumn Apr 27
I don’t need you but I wanted you.
Apr 26 · 351
Untitled
Autumn Apr 26
To be enough
It is an odd feeling
To feel enough
And not be enough for someone
To know that as great as I am
There is nothing that could change their heart
Or maybe there is
A person
A laugh
A breath
A moment
That could have changed their mind
I do not know
But it is evident
It will not be from me
In their own time perhaps
But not now
Not with me
And it is hard to accept that
To be there for myself
To hug myself
Apr 26 · 33
Everything and nothing
Autumn Apr 26
I can speak to you
And tell you everything you want to hear
Because it is everything I need
I can make you cry
From the compliments and praise and comfort I give you
Because it is everything I cannot believe for myself
Because I know how it feels to tell yourself the opposite every day all day
Because I am here for you
The way I will always say I am there for myself
But the same way I will continue to fail being there
Apr 26 · 39
Share her
Autumn Apr 26
I’d rather put on a fashion show for you
But if your heart does not mesh with mine
Then it does not deserve to see this smile
It does not deserve to feel this love
It does not begin to match the energy
It does not comfort my soul
The way it should
So I will savor her
I will protect her
Until there is someone worthy
Until someone fools me long enough
Until they turn out to be true
Until I’m me for me
Oh wait that is now
I am okay
I did not lose me
It was not long enough
I am okay
I am here
I am still here for me
And not for
You
Apr 26 · 32
Untitled
Autumn Apr 26
Lol not me drinking at home
On a Monday night
With sushi wine and cheesecake
Living the life
But not the life with you
Not the cuddles and *** and watching church with you
Not the meal prep and
Apr 25 · 52
To dream
Autumn Apr 25
I wish you had called me. I wish you were more clear that morning. I wish you had stopped me. I wish you cared as much as I did. I wish I was good enough for you.
Apr 25 · 36
Done
Autumn Apr 25
It feels like you don’t even care about me. Like you can’t take the 5 seconds out of your day to respond to me. Like you don’t value the amount of joy and connection my lips and eyes give you. And if you can’t appreciate the dedication and time I donate to you then I will not allow you to take advantage of my being. I will not allow you to use me and fulfill your ego. I do not expect the world from you but I also expect more than bare minimum. If you did not want a relationship then why would you do this and that and this and that and over and over and over again. Why would you buy me things for your home and ask me to be yours. I do not understand why you would ask to go on dates, to be exclusive, to take up so much of my time for you to say you do not want a relationship. For you to say you want to be friends. For you to not even call or text me.  Maybe it is the validation I seek or the closure or the unwavering need to feel in control. Maybe it is because I am the one who leaves so that I can avoid this. And all I want is for you to show up and say you’re sorry and explain. I can only hope to avoid tomorrow. I can only hope to not see you. I can only hope for so long. Before I think and know that if he cared he would’ve called by now. If he cared about me the way I care for him he would have done something. Maybe it is my fault for saying I do not want to keep doing the weird in between thing. But it is not my fault. It is not my responsibility to ensure he is there or here or with me. It is his responsibility to want me and to put effort into that. For this has shown me so much more than what a kiss ever could.
Diary
Apr 18 · 175
Intimacy
Autumn Apr 18
The intimacy I crave
My soul at peace with yours
My smile unafraid
My laugh free to fly around the room
My tears capable of swelling
My body able to breathe in and out, to sweat, to bloat, to become larger, to become smaller
My lips caressed often
You being you
With me
Apr 18 · 257
The exchange
Autumn Apr 18
I tried to understand
When you asked me to let you in
I tried to open my heart
I opened my arms
I opened my past
I shared
And I do not feel the reciprocation
I feel my energy and output is much greater than yours
Maybe I fail to understand what it means for you to share something
I know you do not understand what it means when I share everything
Apr 18 · 31
Life after the Letdown
Autumn Apr 18
I listened to a sermon on Easter
I am not religious
Nor do I believe a God exists
But he does.
So I’ll listen with respect
And eagerly await the next words with interest.
This one was on Life after the Letdown.
It hits home.
Life goes on after the worst moments,
The times you thought you wouldn’t make it.
All the times you tried to end it- life goes on.
Every single time you thought you couldn’t make it.
You did.
One way or another.
And the sermon stated, all the times you tried to **** yourself God wouldn’t let you. He was not done with you yet.
So the others? That make it? He’s just done with them?
I cannot accept that.
I do not understand the faith.
I cannot wrap my head around it.
I cannot pour my soul into it
My heart will not open for something so unreal to me.
I do not need a God to have a plan for me, A God to love and cherish me,
A God to somehow forgive me, for what sins?
A God to comfort me in the dark times-
A God to comfort me when I do not know.
It is simply a comfort the same way you lay in bed,
Or eat certain foods,
Or breathe in fresh air.
Or the same way your drink,
The same way you inject,
The same way you ignorantly believe whatever side of the aisle you are on.
It is all the same.
Everything and nothing.
And it doesn’t matter either way.
Because after every Letdown
Life will go on
With or without
God
Apr 18 · 51
Everyone
Autumn Apr 18
It is interesting listening to someone speak from the perspective and the assumption that everyone wants to live
That everyone even wants to be here
Apr 18 · 39
Loss
Autumn Apr 18
The same way someone describes their grandmother passing
The same way they see her there
The same way there is a lack of presence
Soul
Whatever it is that makes her, her
Is the same way depression feels
Is the same thing I’ve seen in people alive
The same exact feeling The same way someone describes their grandmother passing
The same way they see her there
The same way their is a lack of presence
Soul
Whatever it is that makes her her
Is the same way depression feels
Is the same thing I’ve seen in the living
The same exact feeling
You watch them disappear
Apr 7 · 38
New
Autumn Apr 7
New
I miss him
I miss his eyes and connection and smile and feeling of utter comfort
I don’t miss the sinking feeling of my heart
Or the worry or dread or fear  
It is difficult to share with someone
The feeling of wanting to die
To **** yourself
And have them understand
They don’t, they can’t if they haven’t wanted that.
And maybe that’s who I need to be with. Someone that cannot relate.
And I wonder if the connection was simply the month long infatuation with someone that finally understood me?
Or part of me.
And with only so long
And never saying goodbye
Never knowing what would happen
I feel guilt.
Because It has been a little over a year and I no longer cry on my way home from work
The grief is here but smaller
I no longer go on solo hikes and envision myself carrying him with me
A small part is with me but not all of him
It is finally at that point
And now I have found someone new to smile with
To hike with
To hold hands
Someone happy and healthy and who every time he speaks I like him more and more
Someone who may not understand that part of me
And that is okay
But I cannot feel completely free
I feel like I am betraying someone that was never mine
But he would want me to be with a partner
A partner that I can be free with
Apr 7 · 51
a breath
Autumn Apr 7
How did you love yourself today?
Did you take a moment to breathe?
To feel?
Did you notice the kiss of sun on your skin?
On your face?
Did you feel weight lift from your shoulders?
Did you push yourself out of bed at 0430 to make it to the gym? Or did you stay in and get the rest you needed?
Did you wake up and make pancakes and coffee and write postcards?
Or was it a day where you cannot feel the sun?
Where the weight was so heavy you have nothing left to feel?
Where even being outside does not lift your spirit?
It is on those days,
I would cry,
And beg for you,
To love yourself.
Those are the days it matters most.
To love yourself enough to be patient,
And wait for the next good day to arrive.
Because as painful as the wait is-
Eventually you’ll find yourself in the midst of feeling the sun kiss your soul again.  And it will hit you like a brick.
Maybe in that moment you’ll feel the rush of gratitude,
Of happiness,
Of what it might feel like to be balanced.
And you’ll have to fight to not fear it.  
You’ll have to fight tooth and nail to allow yourself to be okay.
Even for a day.
And then you chase it.
You chase the love you use to starve yourself of.
And maybe every day you’ll wonder
Why is it so hard? Why is this not an innate feeling? An innate gesture to love myself?
Why?
At the end of the day you may never know why, maybe you will and refuse to accept it.
But you’ll know you have to do try because if you don’t there wouldn’t be a you at all.
And one day, you’ll be back to being happy that you are here.
Did you love yourself today?
Dec 2021 · 43
Life is a hike
Autumn Dec 2021
Life is like a hike.
It can long and strenuous and difficult.
Or short, simple and sweet.
Maybe you looked up your route prior and planned it.
Maybe a friend told you to go down there.
Either way your footsteps took you where you wanted.
You may fall down, hit your *** and get right back up.
You may turn the wrong way and get lost.
And you may eventually find your way back to the path.
Or you find a path long forgotten, one many had passed on, but you know you can make it.
Sometimes there are 360 views the whole journey, and sometimes you get to the summit and it’s only fog, rain, and ugly clouds.
There are lots of people on the most popular trails.
Some nice,
Some random,
Some rude leaving trash here and there.
And you can either change it or leave it be.
And on the rugged mysterious trails, you will not find many fellow hikers.

My hike is long, rough, and difficult.
I have gotten lost, found old paths, made my own, and returned to my roots.  
There have been many visitors to my smile and laughter.
Few have been lucky enough to hear my story. But many have changed their course to a happier route alongside mine, somewhere in the distance they are there.

And I know that the summit is gorgeous. 360 views.
And when I fall on my ***, I get back up. Sometimes I may lay there and cry and scream but eventually the dirt becomes uncomfortable.
Eventually I must find a stream to wash in.

My hike is an overnight, backpacking trip. There are several summits. And several ups and downs. And if the way My life ends is on that hike, then at least I was smiling while out of breath and pushing on.
Dec 2021 · 37
Another sad poem
Autumn Dec 2021
I’m here begging you to stay
To come back
To reach out to me
To get my messages back
So I could see if you did try
But they’re gone
Kik erased them all
Did I reach out a day too late?
When did it actually happen?
With your friend there?
Were you alone?
Where are you now?
I do not believe in a heaven or hell.
I do not recognize a God or Goddess.
I do believe in energy and balance.
But the scales have tipped and fallen over the ledge.
The weight is heavy.
And the carrier becoming weak, fatigued, and done.
How do you tell someone you’re suicidal?
But you actually aren’t.
You tried 3 times in high school.
And failed  
So you took it as a sign to stay. If you messed it up that many times then you can’t leave.
I saved an ex, I saved my sister, and I saved a roomate. I’m not sure how many others.
I lost a boy in my program at school and one I was an orientation leader for. Someone I should have noticed before they left.
Then I became infatuated and lost him. It’s almost been a year. I remember texting a year ago. I remember not being able to wait and see you. I remember promising I’d leave my bf. I remember your lips and touch and your eyes. I remember you say how Soul made you reevaluate your life. And I thought that was for the best. Maybe it was and you just had a moment of weakness. Either way here I am.
Losing anyone at all is a loss
So no matter how many more I save
I’ll still have lost too many
Time will tell which side I reside on
Dec 2021 · 128
On replay
Autumn Dec 2021
This Christmas I have been alone
All by myself
In a new city
With no one near.
All my friends visiting their own family,
And my own 2000 miles away.
I am proud to have made it through the day, and year.
Even though all day I have missed you.
Wished you were here with me.
Even if I could only message you,
Even if I could only be happy you were with someone else.
Even if I just knew you were still breathing.
Would be better than this.
In my head I wonder if all the ache is worth it.
We did not date.
We were not together long.
And yet the moments we shared live infinitely in my mind,
On replay.
Maybe it is a “trauma bond” as I have googled.
Or maybe it is simply that my soul was comfortable with you.
You understood my depression and suicidal desires at the same time as loving me for being successful.
You did not shame me.
You did not make me try to explain why this and why that.
We basked in the shared understanding.
And maybe I was a fool to believe you.
To believe you would stay.
And maybe it was an accident.
It seems almost all my poems end in this now.
If you can even call them poems.
Dec 2021 · 566
Untitled
Autumn Dec 2021
I felt like writing a letter to myself
One of love and joy
A letter to remind myself of all the things I am worth
To reiterate the fabric of my being
To examine my thoughts
And to accept them for what they are
To hug myself
Inside and out
To look in the mirror and smile
To be okay with the faults in my mind
And to reach out for help to better them
Dec 2021 · 52
Untitled
Autumn Dec 2021
Have you ever seen a suicidal successful blond?
Have you ever thought of all the people on the edge around you?
Those that you have no clue, are in the same boat as you?
Dec 2021 · 38
If I were to pass
Autumn Dec 2021
And if I were to pass
They’d look.
And they’d find the searches for how to find a therapist
And they’d see the time I tried back at college
And maybe they’d see the decline my spring semester senior year
Maybe they’d see how I was dedicated a few months and then
Falling apart the next 6.
They’d look and they’d find the list in my notes
They’d look and remember in high school how I cried
And tried
And maybe I did throw my notebook away so I didn’t have to remember the pain.
Maybe they’d remember taking my knives.
Maybe they’d speak about the times I asked about being bipolar.
And they would blame themselves.
For the failure of my own heart
And mind.
They’d blame themselves for the poison in my brain.
If I passed I wouldn’t be able to fix the next hike.
I wouldn’t be able to feel the next High.
If I passed then I wouldn’t be able to save you
And that’s what I really want to do
Dec 2021 · 31
Where I should be
Autumn Dec 2021
I keep picturing what it would look like
To wake up and do the yoga
A fresh cup of coffee.

I wonder what it is like to actually write in my journal every night and not switch to using my notes app on my phone.

I wonder what it’s like to not be working out for 4 months then take 2 months off and restart everything.

I wonder what it is like to accept my own body. I wonder what it is like to just be happy.
To wake up and not want to stay in bed.
To wake up and not feel fear inside of you.
To exist and desire to remain existing.
I wonder what it would be like if you were here still.

I keep picturing this better version, a more put together version, a version that doesn’t keep eating candy to deal with stress and depression.
I am here at this point in my life but I do not feel like it is where I should be for myself. I have been saying I need therapy since I was 12 and I have yet to get it. Maybe that is what I will do for myself.

Attempting to be patient is a thin line with being lazy and making excuses for yourself.
Dec 2021 · 175
Untitled
Autumn Dec 2021
Sometimes I wonder
How did I make it this far?
Dec 2021 · 52
How much
Autumn Dec 2021
Sometimes I wonder when are you enough?
When do you see yourself as “there”?
Do you ever feel as though you are done?
Do you ever love yourself as much as your mom loves you?
Or your dad?
Or friend?
Is it ever enough?
What I do?
Who I am?
How much I weigh?
How I look?

Is it ever enough
To be
To exist
To breathe
To be
Happy
Nov 2021 · 118
Drumming along
Autumn Nov 2021
The sound of a beating drum echoes in my mind.
Over and over it goes.
I find myself waiting upon each break, hoping to hear the sound; to remind me that it isn’t hiding and plotting.

And at the same time I feel the relief of a beat-I wish it was an ocean wave or the wind howling at the peak of a mountain or a stream running by or the sound of my sisters laughter.

and I could romanticize it and say that it changes if only you adjust your ears.
But it doesn’t.
It beats on and on and on.
Eventually you learn how to hear both.  

You learn how to remember the joy in sunlight.
You learn how to be grateful each night.
You learn how to take a deep breath, while you wished you weren’t breathing at all.

And you have to chose this every day. Every day you wake up.
You need to chose to remember the things you love. And know that one day you’ll enjoy them again.

You must remember that you are living for everyone who let the drum beat them down.

You are living for everyone who let the drum beat so loud they forgot the sound of happiness.
They couldn’t feel it.
They couldn’t find it.
As if the drummer was beating them instead.

And so I will hold it out to you- a hand.
A friend.
A pair of headphones.  
And the promise to partake in laugher with you once again.
Sep 2021 · 36
Untitled
Autumn Sep 2021
I think I’d prefer to remain by myself
To not begin a new friendship
The pain far outweighs the good
And disappointed I become again and again
When you fail to actually be a good friend
Sep 2021 · 160
Untitled
Autumn Sep 2021
I look around and see smiles
A resting face
A quiet one
A calm one
All sorts of faces.
Everyone talking to each other,
With each other
Right there
But everyone is so far away.
They rate you and review you
And everyone likes you
Yet everyone is so disappointing.
The “friends” here are not that at all
Sep 2021 · 29
Untitled
Autumn Sep 2021
Sometimes I fantasize what it’s like to fade away
I think about the comfort in a Black Abyss
I imagine you’re there.
To hug me and kiss me and make love to me and be complete,
Unlike how we were here.
Unlike how we never had the chance.

I imagine slipping away and no one realizing.
No one will have to feel the pain of me gone.
I wish it could be that way.
I imagine not having to wake up and be saddled with guilt, and sadness, and anxiety, and exhaustion, and fatigue.
It’s not even bad right now and I still desire these things.
Or maybe it is bad and I just still haven’t learned myself.
Sep 2021 · 71
Income
Autumn Sep 2021
They wonder why I think politics are life
And it’s because I see my brothers and me and them and everyone
Your socioeconomic status growing up makes drastic impacts on the opportunity in life you have
Dramatic changes in perception that you are not even aware of
I see how my brother sold drugs to be able to be on his own at 17
I see how thankful I was for my bf at the time to have a place to live
I see how thankful I am for the Army to pay for my school
I see the work and hours myself and coworkers put in
I see the privilege my sister has to use my moms new car as hers has broken down
I see the coworkers at Tops not prioritize education
Graduating high school is not an expectation
I see the privilege in my pocket and my own opportunity
I also see the ability for a friend to not worry about where she will live or how she will get a loan for school
How do people escape poverty if they don’t have anyone to co-sign a loan?
How do you get ownership?
And that ties into an entire discussion on systematic racism and current oppression as well.

I see my friend complain about pumping her own gas in her brand new Jeep her mom bought, and the gas her dad is paying for. I see another friend complain about having a (parent bought) Nissan instead of a Mercedes.

I see my friends and coworkers and siblings sell drugs to make more money because minimum wage jobs simply don’t give you enough. I see them sell, and use. Smoking **** turns into ******* and soon you have more.
I see them use to avoid anxiety and depression because it costs 90$ to see a therapist once a week.
I see my friend boast about how much she has loved therapy her entire life.
I fall in love with a boy who needed drugs to escape reality.
Depression can make you do silly things like get addicted to drugs that can be laced with fentanyl.
Poverty can make you do things like sell drugs, and use them to escape mental illnesses, because you can’t take off work to pay for or even miss for the therapy session you need.
Furthermore, therapy is not even a common recommendation.

It can make you do things like join a military that owns you.

It can make you do things like sell your body or pictures or videos.

It can make you work hard and “be proud of it” and then realize the capitalist pig society you live in.

This is not even direct poverty it is a lower income class that still has several opportunities.

The income gap is much more than just that it is a life gap, an opportunity gap, a smile and happiness gap.

It is quite literally the difference between a living and breathing and thriving Tony, and a dead one.

It is the difference between my brother eating one day or having a place to live the next.

It is the difference between my brothers having their mom alive or not.

And I know the rich or well off can be addicted to coke with therapy, and they have their own issues with family and they can be suicidal despite every comfort and opportunity.

There still lies the difference in every opportunity, the difference in air breathed and health standards, the difference in education and expectations.

The difference in life and choice.
In opportunity or fate.
The rate of work one must put in to get to where another starts is astounding.
And this is only mild in the US compared to other places.

Some would say I should not complain. But how many people will I see from similar backgrounds be addicted or die until something changes?
How many people will I see sit by and do nothing?
A rant
Autumn Aug 2021
Someone asked me if I found what I had been looking for?
But how can I find it?
When I did and he left.
He disappeared,
He could not fight anymore.
And now he is gone,
So I’ve tried to be alive,
For me and him.
And every day,
I find something to be thankful for.
Because I did.
I found what I was looking for-
Or something close.
I tasted him.
I loved him.
I loved him.
I loved him inside of me.
I loved him looking at me.
I loved him exposing me.
And seeing me,
The depression and all.
And I failed to see his Dire need.
His dire need to be seen,
And now he is gone.
So if I don’t even find what I’m looking for again,
I guess it’s my fault for not saving the one that actually saw me.

Because who else will even hear all of me?
Who else will know or realize?
Who else will see all the sides that exist? And understand them all?
So it’s just me,
And “you”-
Now.

Aug 2021 · 197
Desire
Autumn Aug 2021
An actual connection with someone would be nice
Aug 2021 · 29
Untitled
Autumn Aug 2021
How many years will I spend fighting to love the body I’m in?
Aug 2021 · 34
Untitled
Autumn Aug 2021
I wake up in a fog
I get through the day
I try my best
I talk to her
And her
And them
And I laugh
And I smile
And I breeze through the day

I get home
“Home”
To this place I sleep

And I try to breathe
I try to be happy
I practice my gratitude
I try to keep my gym and eating habits
I try to stay stable
Stable is all I need

How to escape this depression
I will never
But being stable?
That is doable

So I wait until I get home to do the feeling
To do the crying
To being so busy I don’t have to think about you or about the lack of everything
Aug 2021 · 36
The fight most know
Autumn Aug 2021
I wonder if you had to fight for your happiness the same way I do every day
Aug 2021 · 131
Surprise
Autumn Aug 2021
Looking through my old poems
It has hit me that following my break up of 4.5 years
I did not write a single sad poem about missing him
I did the breaking up
I guess for good reason
Because the poems about HIM are from years before the deed was done
Aug 2021 · 80
A comforting noise level
Autumn Aug 2021
It always feels like a trap-
When you’re happy,
And content,
At peace one could say.

At the moment I have a resembling monotone of balance,
A comforting noise level.

I feel the old tug
I know the shoe may drop
But I also know the amount of times I have lived
I know the pain I have overcome
In my head I think this makes me stronger, I have the hindsight to know I can make it through
But
Through writing it down
The more fatigue you go through the less strong you are over time
Erosion is not only for the rocks and rivers and mountains
It is for the will to live as well
I love how I started this off to be a happy poem lol
Jul 2021 · 46
Alone
Autumn Jul 2021
I use to post the things that said “it does not mean you’re lonely if you’re alone”
But I guess I was never really alone
I am still not completely in solitude but
I might as well be
Jul 2021 · 153
Lonely
Autumn Jul 2021
Lonely is a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time
A wave that rolls in slowly but so powerful
It is deep
And makes me fear for the future
If I am lonely now
How will I ever meet someone that accompanies my heart the way you did?
Will anyone be able to touch and see and feel me the way you could?
Will I feel connected and understood for the things I do not want to talk about?
Or will I feel this lonely for eternity
Jul 2021 · 146
Untitled
Autumn Jul 2021
I miss your laugh
The way you smiled
I miss the kissing
The melting into each other
I miss the desire the need
I miss you
And I can’t get you back
What if you were the love of my life and now you are gone?
How do you get over someone that is no longer alive?
I miss you
All the adventures we never had
All the opportunities we missed
I wish you had not left
I wish you were here with me
I wish I had told you I loved you then
I wish I had been enough for you to stay
Jun 2021 · 53
Hawaii for two
Autumn Jun 2021
I decided I would carry you with me
I chose to live for the both of us
Because you could not be here

I breathed the air
I smiled in the light of the sun
I felt the ocean water on my skin
And the sand beneath my feet
For you and I
We could share this moment of happiness
Because I would feel it for more than one
Because when I thought “wow I could come back here to **** myself, it’s the perfect location”
The thought directly after was that I could not because I had to enjoy it for the both of us
Because you gave in
And I’m left here

To wonder through the lava
Waiting for you to flow back to me
For my energy to heal
To replenish
To find equilibrium

Waiting and living
Breathe I remind myself
Smiling and laughing
For those that did not make it
Jun 2021 · 43
2/3
Autumn Jun 2021
2/3
Sometimes I wonder how long I will last
I wonder how many more bright days there are
Until I am sad again
Until I am nothing again
Until it gets much worse again
Sometimes I think about how good I can feel
How bright the sun is
How thankful I can be
How happy I am
How laughter feels when it rolls from deep inside
How it feels to live for you and me and now another
This year began with one death and now another has come and gone
It is said to travel in threes
So I am weary
For the third cannot be me
But another
I do not know if I can handle
V cheesy sounding but I do not care
Jun 2021 · 43
You
Autumn Jun 2021
You
It has been almost 6 months
And I still have not written a goodbye letter
I think about you every day
I should have saved you
I should have known
How have I stared numerous suicidal people in the face, and helped them?
Why did I believe you when you lied?
Why did I not recognize the severity in your gaze?
The lack of shine?
How do you have a suicide prevention class and be certified and fail someone you love?
May 2021 · 386
Gone
Autumn May 2021
I never knew how much you meant to me until you were gone
Until you disappeared to hell or heaven
To be with your sister or not
To decompose and help a tree grow
To reincarnate and come back to me
To fill the void
To anywhere but somehwere with me
To anywhere but somewhere I can see
To anywhere but the place I need you to be,
Here with me
Autumn May 2021
I look down and see fat
I look down and see wide hips and wide legs and jiggly things
I look up and see jiggly arms and jiggly this and jiggly that
And I look to the side and I see the phat ***
I go to the gym
I see the muscles underneath
I work them
I love them
I try for them
And I smile at them
And I take care of them
And I come home
And I see bloated big belly
I see legs that are not all muscle
I see flaw and flaw and flaw and flaw
I try to change the mindset
I try
I tried
I am trying
Apr 2021 · 168
Struggles
Autumn Apr 2021
Have you ever lost an intimate partner to a drug overdose?
A drug overdose that was most likely a suicide but is not known for sure?
How do you keep losing people when you are fighting so hard to stay yourself?
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