With another I was always unsure of if he was the one or not,
Always questioning and never sure,
And I fell in love with another so easily.
And I lost him.
I could not save him.
And I have had my tears, time, and peace.
And now I have found love again.
One that is so full and healthy and abundant that I am sure;
I am so sure.
His presence brings me peace,
and part of me whispers concern,
of so many what ifs,
and part of me worries,
that I will want to run and adventure,
but I think I am realizing that what I am more afraid of
is if I marry,
and have a family,
and live the dream,
and loose it,
or break it,
or become sad again,
or disappoint them.
Instead of being unsure of the man, I am afraid of something I cannot even name.

I felt like writing a letter to myself
One of love and joy
A letter to remind myself of all the things I am worth
To reiterate the fabric of my being
To examine my thoughts
And to accept them for what they are
To hug myself
Inside and out
To look in the mirror and smile
To be okay with the faults in my mind
And to reach out for help to better them

and you see it may be my fault,
I'm so use to being hurt,
that it doesn't surprise me anymore.
I shouldn't expect you to hurt me, I shouldn't be to scared because one more fall could make me go for it
I shouldn't expect you to not insult me every couple of minutes, I shouldn't expect them to not laugh.
and now im use to it.
im use to your repeating comments, and little jabs.
im use to feeling this way, and maybe that's why im afraid.
why would one want to find happiness when every time she has, the fall wasn't worth it?
why is it that I cannot simply be standing in a hallway without people saying **** to me?
you say im annoying and that's your reason,
you say im the one you let all your anger out on
you say just because I don't like you
you say because you have a personality.
so
you for the last time you can all go **** yourselves
because hey like you said
I am nothing
so why is it I impact you?
why is it that my presence has so much ******* power over you, that you are so uncomfortable that you feel the need to insult me?
because hey I am nothing after all just like the rest of you.

In the midst of your death
I swear I saw the flicker of a smile

want leads to greed
want leads to obesity
want leads to death
want leads to determination
want leads to the fake meaning of need
want leads to people being naieve
if there was no want in the world wouldn't it be so much better?
But we can'thave a happy go luck world where everyone's content within what they have can we?
But if there was no want in the world there would be no drive to keep us going,
there would be no people out there who don't just want but truly need to see the world change, to make the world change,
there would be no people out there who will start the evolution,
there would be no people who want to honestly simply HELP,
even if theese people are rare,
even with theese people being scarce,
even with theese people still growing up,
even with theese people wasteing away of old age,
they are still out there.
because thoose people are the one's from every background, who have expierenced it all, who want to expierence it all simply so they can use it to be better to become what the world needs, thrives for, can't keep spinning without.
we the people have the power to change to revolutionize to be different
we the people can shut thoose voices out,
we the people will be better than thoose who can't comprehend, than thoose too weak at the moment,
we the people will help thoose at the bottom screaming for help,
we the people will help thoose in the middle, thoose at the very top, thoose down in the ground that are screaming for our helpping hands,
because we the people simply can,
because we the people have to change the world,
because we the people have to try not for music, not for your parents, not for your future childeren, not for your religion, not because people think it's the right thing to do, But simply because we CAN do what we want simply because we have the POWER to make changes, so my friends take this chance as this world spins to stop it yank it out of the governements fragile, cowardly hands,
and ****** it in the air
Simply because we
CAN

I'm here
And I have everything
I have a scholarship I have a job
I have an amazing lover
I have this and that
I am thankful
And yet I still picture myself
Jumping through that window
To fall and die
I am still wanting to slice my flesh open
God I miss that release
I am still crawling down in that dark hole
I am still breathing
I am still attempting to live
I am trying to be me
I'm  trying
******* it and
I'm failing

Sometimes I would really enjoy having a friend.
Someone to talk to
Not just someone to hang out with and have a good time with because they are so abundant
Sometimes I want a hug
Sometimes I cry and sometimes my feelings that I do have get hurt
Because I really just want a real friend

Her little birdie fell
And did not fly
She was not caught
And broke her wing
Withering
A
W
A
Y
Thinking she flew, she passes into the bitter sweet end

I have written so many poems
Where the darkness creeps in
And I have taken so many oaths
Written across my skin
To continue the battle

But every day becomes harder to take a step
And every breath weighs heavily upon my lungs
And the smile that crosses my face is no longer one of ease

What if I get tired of letting him break little pieces of me?

No matter how great you become
Or how fit
Or successful
It will never change that when you were younger
It was not enough

As I sit here, and listen to their words
spewing out of their mouths
the words that I laugh at
the things It appears that I just brush off

the thoughts inside swirl
rage
inflict their pain upon the flesh they hold most dearly to themselves
inflict their confusion upon thyself instead on the one who has brought these memories up yet again

as they pour out,
the next day arrives all to quickly,
the fear I cover up embeds itself underneath my skin, to sizzle,
and waits for the boiling point to arrive,

the speakers seem to be silent today
maybe this smile inscribed on my face isn't large enough,
maybe the reaction wasn't as genuine as they had hoped for,

I laugh at his ignorance,
at my want for someone near to notice,
someone near to be more than someone I lie to with my entire being,
I laugh at my own capabilities,
embarrassed of my naïve ambitions, to think, to want, to hope for,
their eyes to open someday

oh how good I am, at making this pain, seem so miniscule,
so invisible, to their glazed over eyes,
I laugh how I care so much
and it tears me apart, how their approval, means something to me
it sends a ripple of burning acid down my throat
an imaginary knife slicing me apart, while I'm no where's near numb, I feel every slash
and then I realize this is what I'm here for.

And they said I make other people's day
And in my head all I could think was
"Because why would I ever want anyone to feel the way I do"

I took a quick puff
and of course it sent me reeling
of course I would fall
because quite the clumsy ****** I am

I realized today that it's been about 6 days of summer, and I wish I was back in school already.

At the end of the day
In the middle
And in the beginning
It is you who I miss
And you who I want to hold my hand
And eyes that I want to look into
And heart I want to share mine
But if the feeling is not mutual
I will retract
And
I will hide
But
I will still want you

i haven't visited this blank screen in quite a while
i would like to travel through the spaces between my words and letters and phrases and meanings
i would like to dream through the endless possibilities of creativity
i would like to succeed

Have you ever seen a suicidal successful blond?
Have you ever thought of all the people on the edge around you?
Those that you have no clue, are in the same boat as you?

I think I’d prefer to remain by myself
To not begin a new friendship
The pain far outweighs the good
And disappointed I become again and again
When you fail to actually be a good friend

How many years will I spend fighting to love the body I’m in?

Repeatedly I think
If only I believed in a God
I would be much happier
But I cannot accustom myself to this treachery
No matter the pain I feel
Half believing is not an act I could participate in

I wake up in a fog
I get through the day
I try my best
I talk to her
And her
And them
And I laugh
And I smile
And I breeze through the day

I get home
“Home”
To this place I sleep

And I try to breathe
I try to be happy
I practice my gratitude
I try to keep my gym and eating habits
I try to stay stable
Stable is all I need

How to escape this depression
I will never
But being stable?
That is doable

So I wait until I get home to do the feeling
To do the crying
To being so busy I don’t have to think about you or about the lack of everything

He pays me for the night.
He gifts me with a present.
He asks for a show and tell.
He asks for a season and no ***.
He reminds me of whose bed this is.
He reminds me of what we are.
He reminds me of what we are not.
He does not pay me and do I ask?
He will soon have another gift for me.
He asks for a cuddle and sleep night over.
He asks for a kiss.
I am unsure of this new playground.

I am trying so hard and it feels like nothing is getting done.
I miss a meeting or sleep through a class and I cannot seem to find the energy to start that book.
I order another pizza on uber eats and I drink coffee after coffee.
I take down the counseling centers information.
I took it down weeks ago.
The imminent failure that seems to be coming makes me paralyzed to preventing it.
I am so frustrated with myself.

I watched some videos on self-love and trust issues.
I heard the advice but could not infiltrate it into my life.
I know attendance matters in class but I cannot seem to get out of bed.
I know my GPA will determine where I go, I know my PT score is crucial to success.
And here I am laying in bed.
They said to end the cycle, just get out of the downward spiral,
but how do i get out?
And so I am sitting here in bed with 10 minutes before class.
I am trapped

Loosing hope in the man you love is a disappointing feeling like no other.

I am all alone.
In a world that I do not know.
I am all alone.
Without a friend or foe.
I am all alone.
Without a mate or love.

And I wonder,
Late at night,
Are these tears worth it?

I went to the garage to throw up and came out with a glass of water and a box to store my waste
I wish I had thrown up everything all that was me
But nothing came up but a wee little bit
Our adventure set off and to the shed we went only to be disappointed by the crude lawn mower
Once more the travels we set off on to the couch it is
Where he shows me a trick to alleviate my nauseous head
My legs spread for him and I cannot control the yes daddy slipping from my ***** ****** lips at the time
21 and **** with the tats he was everything I wanted and so the game began where his **** ****** my ******* tight *****
Age is just a number I'm 17 ******* it a responsible one at that with a job and friends and good grades and a future and here I am wishing I was good enough for this man
But I was
And he was cute and funny and sweet and
Gone
And this 17 year old sits waiting wondering what the **** do I do when I want but do not need and what the **** do I do when he may not want me
But baby I'm a jumper and the fall is scary but
Am I strong enough to crawl out of that hole again?
Am o stupid enough to chance it?
Will this even effect me as much as I'm playing into it?
I may not even like him when it comes down to it
But ****
I want to **** again
And I want to be loved
But these are indeed not the same thing my first time guy

“Don’t forget to be kind to yourself!”

scavenging in this wasteland i search
i look and unfold
i pick apart
i break open
i crush i smash i ruin
i disassemble
i assemble
i am in search of something
something i cannot place
i look
i hear
i taste
i click
i write
i try
the everlasting search is an ongoing investigation
yet it is an open and close case
the verdict has been made
oh boy i am being so ******* cliche
but how much longer will i search for my question i have not asked

What should you call the desire for a best friend that you’ll never ever have?

the rose
it wilted
the water and baking sun were not enough
the necessities did not suffice
it's thorns didn't keep the poison away
and so it collapsed under the weight of the pesticide
falling to the ground
while the dandelions mocked it
unaware of their similar journey to the grave
their jealousy
bitter to the end
the poison was after them too
until the garden was no more
and the sun
insisted on shining
while the rain
continued to blaze on

Glancing up to hear the flicker of her smile
It ***** slowly to the ground
A voice oh she sees it so loud!
Whispers whisper whispers
Your beautiful **** delicious I like you I want you I need you please
Shouts shouts shouts
Look down close your blinders
Close your disablement that we all share yet ironically ****** ourselves upon
Choke
Don't breathe
Glance up and a smack is waiting
Throwing you across the room
Never showing any sign of weakness
We fall to the floor and she's still standing head held high
Bowing her head shredding inside
The whispers make it through
Teasing her
As she shouts at herself
Becoming what all the voices tricked her of blanketed in her sanity created by the mirror and society
As she whispers to him

And sometimes you just fall into the corner and cry.
And sometimes you feel like you can do it all.
Like you can do anything.
And the next week you sit in that corner and ball your eyes out.
And you want nothing more than to die.
And that familiar feeling invades your soul again.
And what is the ******* point if it always returns?

I want to live the lie I've been smiling at all of you

I read this poem and a line read "I love me."
And I was so proud of that author I had no idea who or what has made them who they are.
Because I myself cannot love me.
And this is one of my many faults because I can see the perfection in so many others yet my reflection is all but that.
So I applaud you.
For that is indeed a great acheivement to be thankful for.
Because for many out there loving yourself is one of the hardest things to do.

w
h
y

d
o

y
o
u

love

m
e

?

w
h
y

d
o

y
o
u

hate

m
e

?
­

a
n
d

w
h
y

d
o

i

care
?

you are a mistake
go cut yourself
go **** yourself
you are nothing
you are a failure
you are fat
your are revolting fat disgusting nasty
you are stupid
go away
go die in a hole
you are a mistake a mistake a mistake
they regret you
you are nothing
you are nothing at all
a failure
...
chuckles
laugh
the teacher looks away quickly
...
that one girl gives you a sheepish look
...
he continues.
they laugh.
...
you are silent.
...
he knows.
...
he is aware.
...
she is hiding, but he found her.
...
it is done.
...
they are gone.
...
the voices they stay.
...
her smile still intact
...
...
...
home.
...
no one is home.
...
...
...
the gun its downstairs, the knife that big one its in the drawer.
why not appease them?
all her medication just sitting there.
...
...
...
it is done.
they are gone.
the voices they remain.
the glances they stayed away.
...
...
...
and still she is here.
with that oh so big smile.
...
yet, why are they all looking for her body?
...

I pushed you away out of cowardice, because this little ghost heart of mine wasn't worthy of the noble intensity that is you.

I keep wondering,
Would I survive alone?
Is there better out there?
Is our *** life normal?
Should I explore my sexuality like I wish I could?
I keep wondering,
Would I survive?
Is there a new best friend out there?
Is the one I have now no longer mine?
I keep wondering,
Would I ever leave him?

is privacy a right or a privalege?
is it something to anticipate, is it something you expect your fellow people to respect?
is it something you thought your government respected?
is privacy something you are willing to rid yourself of?
is privacy something you feel should be handed to you, not earned?
or is privacy, in your eyes, something that a 'civilized society" deserves?
is it something you deserve no matter what your charecter?
shouldyou be able to have it, without people thinking your keeping secerets?
but what happens once you abuse your privacy?
can you earn it back or will it always be something all to far away?
if you abuse your privacy, do you change your views upon whether it should be handed to you or whether it should be earned?
do you trust yourself with privacy?
do you trust anyone with privacy but, what if, in privacy is when the real you shines?
then is privacy all you are made of and without it you would be nothign at all but a human carcous inwhich talks?
at which all you are becomes you within privacy, your views will change or will they not?
privacy is a right, but it is a right abused and overlooked more than it being used appropriately. like most things in this here country.

Baby close your eyes and don't wake up
Close those eyes and stay away I'll plug your ears and
Down in the water you shall
Lay
Baby hold my hand and squeeze
It's almost all gone the water is still filling you up
In and In and in it goes
Swirling into your lungs
Baby let go
close your eyes
Down in the depths you shall remain safe
My lord if I shall take a breath I shall sin and thus breathing is my trip to hell
I grace upon her the chance to stay pure
Down in the depths of water
Solid sound and free

With a breath it all went away

Sometimes I fantasize what it’s like to fade away
I think about the comfort in a Black Abyss
I imagine you’re there.
To hug me and kiss me and make love to me and be complete,
Unlike how we were here.
Unlike how we never had the chance.

I imagine slipping away and no one realizing.
No one will have to feel the pain of me gone.
I wish it could be that way.
I imagine not having to wake up and be saddled with guilt, and sadness, and anxiety, and exhaustion, and fatigue.
It’s not even bad right now and I still desire these things.
Or maybe it is bad and I just still haven’t learned myself.

Is it because my depression gets worse with every day or is it because the love is withering away?

I was infected and now the disease is rampaging through my body.
It has taken it's course.
I am now a carcass.
The invisible vultures, have scavenged my body.
I am now a skeleton.
just like before.
just like our society.
just
like
you.