I told you the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Something I have never even whispered  to the world.
Or even to myself.
You shed the same tears I did for years.
You asked the same questions I asked for years.
“Why haven’t you told anybody?”
“Why are you telling me now?”
I shrugged and looked out the car window.
“Shame is a funny thing,” I said softly,
“Telling someone makes it real”
I was hoping it was all a dream.
Now all I can think about is how someone knows.
And that I almost regret it.

I’m getting older now.
20 years old.
Soon to be engaged.
Sooner to be a wife.
You wouldn’t think that I would get this far would you?
To be living, loving, forgiving, and forgetting.
There are still closet doors I do not open tho.
Still things I don’t tell anyone not even myself.
One, because I did not think it was real.
Two, because how could someone ever do that to a child?
And three, I was so ashamed of even thinking about that.
I’ve only told one person in my entire life.
But they still love me despite what you said.
Im not angry or sad.
Or ashamed or *****.
God made me new, God healed my brokenness.
So I guess that means you lost?
I’m smirking from afar.
As you now live with the shame and fear and doubt.
Fearing the same monsters in your dark closet.

You are worried that I cannot live without him,
The thing is though that I can.
But why would I want to?

Why would I want to live without his smile?
Without his laugh?
The way he looks at me,
Like I am the only star in the sky.
Why would I want to live without him?
His gentle nature,
The firm way he holds me when I’m alseep.
He tucks me into his bed which he tells me will someday be ours.
And whispers to me that 2019?
That is going to be our year.
While he kisses me on the forehead and giggles like a little boy filled with joy.
Why would I want to love anyone else?
He shows me his demons and I show him mine.
He tells that he loves me anyway.
If something ever happened, and he left me like you did.
Would I make it without him?
Yes.
But the point is, why would I have too?

Can you promise yourself to be happy
even when everything isn't meant to be?

Can you promise yourself to be happy
even when there's no reason to be?

Can you promise yourself to be happy
even when everything points to the other direction?

Can you promise yourself to be happy
even when it's means having to be like me?