Mighty arms give a tender cuddle from behind
Eternal heater
Sensation of chest and stomach against spine
"tell me a secret"
soft lips on foreheads and noses
narwhals nudge
"I've got a secret ..."
"What's that?"
"You make life, interesting ..."
" … Good or bad?"
"Good ... you show me things I've never done before."

My name is Barnacle, calcified to you
Your name is Boa constrictor, squeezing till the last breathe
Inadequate sum of memories, so
drifting nowhere any time soon

island summer heat
big backyards
shared by three families
with rambunctious kids
sundresses, sandals, swim trunks
a big mango tree and
a merry-go-round with red chipped paint
geckos and mud baths
"boy's got cooties!"
  
mid-west plains' dry, summer heat
Mr. Sun is our lamp well past 9:00pm
Dow St., a giant hill covered
in uniform houses, filled with the uniformed sacrificial
spinning wheels, acre-wide hide and seek
nintendo and donkey kong, fireflies in jars
front yard mulberry trees
pippy longstocking "lets' go into this 'cave' of vines"
poison-ivy
  
southern peninsula, humid, summer heat
above ground pools and trampolines
a red brick house; the first home
the first CD collection, Filipino food
THE PARK,
the sandbox lid drowning in the bayou
sleeping in guest rooms, sleepovers a sign of status
pelicans, ducks, fishing,
sleeping in the boat; camping on the beach

In the months before my wedding,
I searched for a special perfume
high and low, sampling scents,
making everyone crazy with
"What do you think of this one?"
My reason for obsessing was this:
to smell this fragrance
and be instantly taken back to the day I married
the man that I love; my best friend.
Because scents can trigger memories.
When we smell, the scents and odors around us
get routed through our olfactory system
which, in short, is closely connected
to the regions of the brain
that handle our memories and emotions

So one day, I opened a package
which held one of many, many, samples I purchased inside.
with notes of gardenia, jasmine, rose and a personal favorite, violet leaf - I thought I would enjoy it
however, this small vial held more than I ever expected.
I removed the stopper, and took a big whiff...

A warm floral scent, with a soapy musk, a slight spice
Suddenly, without any warning...
I was in a small, white bedroom, with two twin beds
a table between them, and on top, the lamp filled with shells.
The window with lacey curtains.
The two small shelves on the right wall with trinkets -
the dolls at the foot of the bed by the door
I could see the closet, with all the special clothes
the ones us grandkids wore to play dress up
and there, in the middle of everything, was the vanity.
That special vanity we couldn't touch, but secretly did
I could see the old makeup on top the warm stained, wooden vanity with the big mirror,
and the little bench
which sitting on made you feel so special.
In the middle of the memory,
I could smell it... this perfume
I knew it wasn't the same, but it smelled exactly like that room
like her...
like my grandma

I could almost hear her in the kitchen, yelling behind the closed door
"You kids better not get in my stuff!"
she always let us play in that special room
   that little bedroom, once shared by siblings
always mad when we played with her things,
but she never stopped letting us play in that room

I remembered where I was,
and felt the wet tears in my eyes
But I kept smelling... (inhale)
hair rollers, and combs
doilies and the sandwich cookies
her black as night coffee and how she drank it at all hours
the giant backyard, and how it seemed to stretch for miles - a place to get lost and have adventures
the clothesline we would always hang off of,
   for which we always got into trouble
the kitchen island, and the barstools
   grandma always got on to us about kicking our short legs and marking up her cabinets
the special character cups collected over the years
that were for just us kids to drink from
I can see all the fridge magnets,
pictures and trinkets of all the places she and grandpa had been - all the places they planned to go
I remember Christmas, and the tree shaped birthday cake for Jesus
how she made us sing Happy Birthday to Jesus
and the mice, oh the mice
   only Grandma, only Leila James
   would collect figurines of something she was afraid of

I remember where I am, in my room
but I can smell her perfume
and can hear her sass and her jokes
   I can hear her speaking the colorful language of a sailor
I remember the weeks we stayed with grandma and grandpa, when a hurricane took our home
   In all the frustration and heartbreak
   she told me it was rough, but I needed to be strong

I remember when I am
I remember that she has too slowly forgotten
No matter how strong the will
the mind does not remember
but I will remember, my small piece
I know so many others knew her better than me
We all remember when she began to forget
She started asking all of us grandkids
"When are you getting married?"
and now I know I can't look in the aisles and see her face

I never thought I would be without a grandmother on my wedding day
I never really thought I would ever get married
But I certainly never imagined without three fourths of a generation

I remember the night I wrote these memories down
the day she died, a day that was strange,
a day that I knew hurt her husband and children,
a day I knew she was finally at peace.
I remember the decision I made that night...
When I smell this fragrance, I smell her
maybe it only smells like her to me
I know if she were here, that is how she would smell
standing next to me in pictures
and telling me to shrink down because I was taller than her
On my wedding day, I want to know the ones I have lost are present in spirit
I want to wear my grandma's perfume

camel  
    
C-A-M-E-L  
    
...  
    
    
... (?)  
    
    
...  
    
    
Why?  
    
I don't know, cause they're cool ! . ?  
    
    
    
his favorite animal is a camel  
and he doesn't know why  
but i do  
    
i think, as a kid, he read about it
in an encyclopedia
And decided, "that's how I want to live my life"
    
the humps on camel's backs that can store water  
and they can go days, weeks, months,
I even heard years  
without replenishing  
crossing dry, barren deserts  
carrying cargo, people  
    
i didn't know camels wore graphic t-shirts,  
crocs and cargo shorts  
but he is a camel  
tall and lanky    
takes in tons and never gains a pound  
(i hate camels)  
    
a camel exists in the Arabian world  
is in love with a Middle-Eastern girl  
and they even have a miracle of that descent  
    
He IS A Camel!  
but the humps on his back  
are hope and inspiration    
and with just a little in the tank  
he will cross a world of deserts    
and bring you back a treasure chest full of dreams  
    
but he enjoys simplicity ...  
Sometimes,
then sometimes not at all  
he takes things way overboard    
and carries far to much cargo  
but he crosses the desert anyway  
    
i didn't know camels were such good teachers  
    
didn't know they made such good friends

My
heart
feels 
warmer
when you are around.    
Not quite a fire,
more like the gentle warmth    
of the spring sun    
melting into my skin.    
pleasant and peaceful,    
I close my lids and could believe    
for a moment, there is    
no enmity in the world.    
    
Your
movements
are
strange;    
fluttering hands and slow,    
nearly stomping strides.    
And sometimes, you sprint    
in parking lots.    
It's dire to get somewhere!  
But you usually get about    
six feet then stop.    
    
    
Your presence 
is 
mighty.    
    
So mighty that many times I can    
Know your feelings    
when words fail you.    
But your words are not always easy to read.    
When you're in a closet,    
a scream only tells me where    
you are, not how to get to you.    
    
Small children, tucked in beds a bunk.    
The clouds' tears would patter on the windows    
and angrily bang pots and pans.    
But the clouds did not wake me.    
I woke to the feeling of small,    
cold hands and feet, wriggling their    
way under my blanket in the top bunk.    
I'd meet the gaze of little tear filled    
eyes, then watch them close waiting    
for them to dream again.    
      
    
You have my blood, my eyes, my promise to be present.    
And without doubt, you lovingly robbed my heart.    
Any stranger could see you smile,    
and hear you chuckle, and you    
would steal theirs too.    
No, they would give it to you.    
How could you not give your heart    
to the source of its warmth.

peach cobbler, that's what you remind of
the sweet, southern staple that everyone loves

but when the pom-poms fell from your hands
you told the girls in the van on the way to fun mountain
"I can't do those stunts anymore."

I still laugh at myself for my inappropriate and abrupt,  
"WHAT!?!?"
but your collected calmness collected me
until i saw in the back of your eyes the collected fear
and realized the daunting fact,
that even though you were nearly 9 months my younger
in 9 months
you were going to have to be years older than me

we were raised to plan
but planning doesn't determine how life occurs
cause you never really plan to fall down
i know there were those who showed you love
but i'm sure being named "pastor's daughter" and labeled "cliche"
didn't do you any favors in the judgement days
and i'm sorry i only made you a dress to hide the bump
when you deserved a cape
to soar over that injustice
that no one has the right to serve

what its like to inhabit a body that is growing beauty
i don't know, but watching you
i have seen it can be ... a change
which, i'm sure, that doesn't even remotely explain ... does it?
no it's ... a Life Alteration of Volcanic Proportions
cause I'm sure, at times, you feel as if standing in the wake of an explosion
and sometimes the earth spews fiery filth at you

but i believe mothers are fire proof
cause they know they have beauty that grew inside
and when you look at that doe eyed, preschooler son
remember that love strengthens you
heaven is powerful
and you are both beautiful

Dear Friend whom I love,

Yes I said love,
but don't worry
I am not talking about dates
or chocolate hearts or kisses

I'm just talking about being a person you trust,
who actually listens
and who you actually listen to
the one relentlessly praying,
who nudges
and even slaps you around sometimes,
that points you in the right direction
and in doing so,
I'm reminded of the right direction as well

So listen to me now:

stop

stop
lying to,
cheating,
short changing,
manipulating,
exhausting,
angering,
upsetting,
breaking .....

yourself

I know those are strange things to hear, because
you are "just fine" ...
But you gotta know:
you deserve more than what you accept
believe me, I've done the same thing for the past three years
not exactly the way you have, but it doesn't matter
I know you think I'm naive but
the root of the problem is the same
we are accepting the love we think we deserve

and i know that is a movie line
but for a long time
I believed it wasn't scripted for me to have love
so I accepted none, gave none
and I know you felt that as well,
then we both started consuming what we could find at the bottom of the barrel
because trying to open up to the right thing
seems like it would hurt so much more

but you don't have to sit at the bottom
you can have better

and better is being okay with who you are;
not seeking comfort or validation
from any part of this world
(I hope You know what I mean)
and I realize that abandonment requires giving up things,
but sometimes thats what we need
I am still trying to give up some of my closet secrets
But it is SOOO worth it!
and it is possible, if you want it
and I know you feel you want what you have now
But I know that you want more!

If nothing else, stop for my sake.
Yes, I'll be selfish. I don't care.
I haven't even known you for a year but…
Watching your heart break
through the window where I have to watch your life
as you hold onto brokenness
is breaking me ...

              (Maybe cause it reminds me of myself)

I wish I could say it doesn't nearly bring me to tears,
but I am not that calloused.
Life has served me a hard play, like you
but His Love restored my softness;
has kept me sane.
Kept me from taking my life when I felt useless and worthless
because He told me I was worth something,
even in a dark psychiatric ward.
And I am still learning how in Him I am worth something
He reminds me when people, like you,
reach out to me…

I know you hear it every Sunday,
but the love you want is not that far.
It is not a secret, or shallow touch,
it is not security, attention, momentary bliss of distractions…
its nothing but sacrifice of The Loving Friend.
Recognize you are loved by the One who knows you and understands,
Far better than a girl with years of experience in psychological analyzing
and running on broken parts

I love you friend, and I would love for you to hear me.

No latte
no "three men walked into a bar ..."
no sun salutation
can give me that reinvigorating boost

no melody
(and for that matter no harmony)
no pedicure
no crisp fall walk
can ease my anxious state

I am unsettled, trying to find a surface to settle on
so I settle down to the lowest parts of Maslow's mountain
searching for comfort in edible bites and physical bits,
deep in the valley where I should not be

"How  ya  doin'?"
"OhI'mgood!"

Ain't got time for the real answer
Ain't got time
Ain't got time
  cause I won't give it to myself
     I was never good at prioritizing

Cause if I knew my priorites
I would remember what a priority it is
to bend to my knees
sink into the ground
and reverently gaze UP

I have not imagined the answers and peace I have recieved
You have to open your mind to see His work
He is visible
   in earth and sky
Sometimes He has to remind me
but when He does ...
well, I can enjoy the melodies
and lattes
and jokes again

P.W.C.

Open the door
the key is in my hand
I have already unlocked it
so open it,
walk into the room

the atmosphere is so... different from the hallway
I was just passing by,
I didn't know the key was in my hand all along
but here I am
I can see
the great Daylight shines through a wall of windows
I see I'm covered in dust and cobwebs
Shake it all off
I shed the dusty, ***** clothes I wore
Oh the Daylight robes me in new clothes

the hall was so dark,
everything seemed a stumbling block
even the toys of memories
Though I am no longer a child,
the Daylight fills me with a child's joy
it is not pretend, no imaginary friend
Reality
everything is crystal and illuminated
the light floods through the room
down the hall
I can clean out the house now
I can dust every corner
wipe it down
throw out the tatter things that just take up space
I can polish the gifts that are meant to stay
blessing, blessing, blessing

I see clearly for the first time
and the house is so vast
I did not know
Everyday a new room
a new corner
throw open the curtains!
let the Daylight fill everything up
nothing left in shadow
nothing left to speculation
the change is perfection
the change is no shame
even when there is uncertainty
blessing, blessing, blessing

if I find another dark corner
I will ask for more light
Fill it up! Leave nothing untouched
why stay in dark,
in secret
there is nothing there but a lie
the Daylight is everything

Wondrous God
Adonai
come claim me
Your lost design, design
Christ's pure blood
was shed for me
the sign of Your love
I see

Capture me
I want to be free
I want to be free
Open my heart fill me
In Your name the dead are raised
Lord keep this dead heart beating


© 2012

when the earth does shake
in my fears i could quake
but I have a choice i can make

for Your love made a higher way
when i am afraid
my fears will not o'ertake me

for You are there beside me, my God
when darkness surrounds me, You are God
oh when I am afraid, i know hope remains
for You,
You are there beside me

poor and needy i search for water
to quench this thirsty heart
but satisfied only one way

when you love rains over my day
oh my strength comes from the Lord
who will never forsake

for You are there beside me, my God
when darkness surrounds me, You are God
oh when I am afraid, i know hope remains
for You,
You are there beside me

you are there
you are there
beside me



© 2012

Your fingers
Your prints
imprint them on me
  
press Your prints
so hard into mine
that my prints
become unidentifiable
  
without Your prints on me
i have only my identity
me, nothing, nameless
number B47 in the waiting line
  
but with You
i can forge a new ID
Your prints will be
my prints, You will be my Prince
  
i look at my prints;
small circular lines
filled with memories and dirt
but Your's...
  
Your's are so clean
prints, patterns, codes,
spelling out words,
creating verses,
all saying how You are perfect
  
so imprint Your prints on me
because without You
these fingers
  
these prints
  
could never bring peace

Your will is change
You give life to Your own words
Just hearing them
reading them on the page
speaking them
lifts the veil
to know that there is love
that is beyond measure
but can be seen in sacrifice
in resurrection
in sharing glory with people who didn't love you
You call me worthy, so I am worthy
You love so gently
you don't force it

I want to love You
I do love You
keep showing me how to love
I want your presence close
thick and full
dripping wet
because it is poured over me
undignified
as you made Yourself
I will love You
Boldly
as You declared love
I will declare it
You keep blessing beyond a heavenly seat
what love that You are only a breath away!
I will breathe
inhale the sweet smoke of Your fire
and exhale a windstorm

You affect the way I think
because You softened my heart
I am married to this,
beautiful
overwhelming
liberating love
How could I even think of divorcing something in my blood?
When the adulterer comes,
trying to make me question -
"What about the hard times?"
The goodness is coming!
"What about when you feel lonely?"
I am not what I feel; love is ever present!
"What about...
NO! Stop lying!
Nothing stops goodness!
Nothing keeps me from His love!
Praise God!
Even when the adulterer tries to lure me away,
I know where my home is found.
It is a breath away.
Inhale
Exhale

FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!!!
burning love forever!
my heart burns for You
we are deep in this cave
the molten fire builds
let it burn!
let it burn!
You burn for every part of me
You are the torch and fire
the torch touches every corner of me
the flames lick up
igniting everything
love sends up a sweet smoke
holy fire burn
forever
burn away the past
burn away the unbelief
the lies
the pain
the heart ache
the fire burns it all away
and leaves nothing but love
How can fire be so reassuring?
It scares me, but it's good
I would be a fool not to touch it
it makes me better
the past is ashes now
floating away in the wind

i have built my life
on empty promises
the sand where i stand
has washed away

above the flood where i drown
You sit upon your throne
but You are not out of reach
with You i'll overcome


oh the peace and love,
the fullness of God
nothing can compare
my faith is built on His promises
i know He will not fail
i know He will not fail



© 2013

Love
you don't know it
if you don't know the sacrifice
the bleeding,
the beating,
the mocking,
the cursing,
the betrayal,
the nails,
the darkness,
the fire,
the promises

My soul will not be lost to among the dead
I am rescued
I live in peace
here on earth
my rest is in love
the promises
the fulfilled promise

No wonder I sing
I scream because I know who I am
I don't know who that was
Love changed her
Love that loved me before I loved back
Love is present, everyday
I read the love letters written to me
everyday
they give me life
the Word is Living
I talk about the love letters
and it changes the atmosphere
promises change everything

hope is secure
nothing shakes me
though the earth under me may quake
and raise the ocean waves
they will not crash over me
Love calms the waves
protects me
shields me always
the oil is poured over me
I am blessed with love
nothing will change that

Lord have Your way in me
may I never think a thought You would not entertain
when Your words are spoken
when I hear Your voice
the seas are calmed
my thoughts stop spinning
the puzzling pattern that leads to destruction is ceased
only You can do that
only love can do that
every answer is in You
You speak to my spirit
Oh Holy Spirit, residing in me
everything in me needs more of Your presence
it changes everything
my focus is shifted to what is true
keep changing my mind
so I can always remember the goodness of God
Lord to feel Your love
Your glorious presence
is to be on a cloud
surrounded by shimmering light
I am not whisked away
but boasting in front of the enemy
as You hold my hand
nothing can touch me
nothing can shake me
Love is unbreakable
I am forever changed by the touch of love
I thought I knew love,
but You showed me there is so much more
speak Your love language through me
I repent for being selfish
I repent for being small minded
I repent for being afraid
Who am I to be afraid,
when the Lord is my brave
"Shout it louder, O Jerusalem
Shout, and do not be afraid.
Tell the towns of Judah,
'Your God is coming!'"
God, You are here now!
Forever and always just a breath away
Thank you Jesus for being my intercessor
my sacrifice
Thank you for sharing Your Holy Spirit
Forever and always God is good
He will always deliver me

Cherish me in Your thoughts
      You always do
Your plans won’t be wasted on me

You love me intensely
Like a fire, slowly burning
Soft wood down to coals
Coals that will always burn

I’m satisfied in my heart
I know what You have for me
Freedom to live it right
Sweet secrets of love
and the endless future of love

Love is your theme always
It is your reason, always
I always wondered
what glory looked like
It looks like the reason

You are perfect
Nothing surprises or shakes You
No one takes a step
in any direction
You didn’t anticipate

What is the best
that You anticipate
for me?

I will keep the angels busy
I will say what has been done
I will say it is worth doing
You are worth it
You are worthy

You are not a habit;
an empty religious practice
You are the living Love;
Creator and Savior
You live outside of time
Help me not confine you
by small thinking

You are bigger than my current imagination
A truth that comforts me
If all I can think is all there can be
How small a world it would be

“Holy, holy, holy
is the Lord Almighty!
The earth IS filled
with His glory!”

Call it in
Sing at the present
and tell it the future is coming
the best is coming
Dance in front of lies
close your eyes and shout
because you know nothing can touch you
heaven is here
call it in
believe that love has sacrificed everything
to bring heaven here for you
the goodness is here
the truth

when the present lies to you
tells you that disaster has come
or that something could happen
stop it dead in its tracts
just sing at it
dance in front of it
tell it that the Savior has crushed it
disease is a lie
worry is a lie

Love is not blind
it see's right through deception
it gives life
no question
it's not about understanding
it's not human logic
but if You hold the world in Your hands
and time is a blink of an eye
then recovery, redemption, healing, resolution
is just a breath away
so breath on the situation
tell it that it's lying
I can overcome
I already have
in the name of Jesus

My whole heart is known by you
I am your gem
Your ruby
Your beloved...
You are my First Love
my completion
All I have known until now
was built on Your love
then you took me deeper
then you unlocked another fountain
within your secret garden in me
What have you done?
No one fills me like this
May all who you love
see what we see
you love us all the same
What a mystery you are my love
Showing me places
I didn’t know were inside me
You are my capacity
Infinitely expanding

I put on my gloves
and my yard work clothes
I am in your garden
You see all the roots
Tell me where they are
Let the light show
  what is in the soil
The weeds will be uprooted
to shrivel up and die
in the Light
the poisonous weeds
   that don’t belong

I am your garden
I am here in the soil
You guide me in what to plant,
when to plant,
Where...
you know the time to seed,
the time to water,
to sow, and to harvest

I will chase away the foxes
that try to come in the garden
Light, shine on every inch
so that the sweet fruit can flower,
Blossom and grow
Keep me from tripping
over gnarled roots
that have pushed up through the ground
The gnarled roots of bitter fruit trees
Expose it, dig it up
Before it can grow
Only what is good will take root
Deep roots
I am good soil
The Light shines on me

Good Heart

Can I sit on the couch with you and watch tv?
Can we laugh and tell jokes, late into the night?
Can we play music and sing old songs we enjoy together?

Can we be more than acquaintances
I don’t want to be a friend of friend
I want to love you
I want you to be mine

Can we love each other?

Do I even know what I am saying
when I say I love you
and I want to enjoy you
Is it only what I can get?

Can we love each other?

People don’t understand our dance
“How foolish you looked today…”
But I want show you
I want them to have you too

Can we love each other?

I know you will curl up around me
when I cry in the bed
You have given me peace before
when I am confused you’ll do it again

Can we love each other?

When I said I wanted to see your face
You showed me a glance
but then hugged me from behind
You want closeness and to have my back

Can we love each other?

You smell like memories
in perfume and *****, stale water
You look like freedom in a hospital
You feel sunshine on a snow day

Can we love each other?

You sound like more
than I have been willing to hear
I don’t want to just get you
I want to have you

Can I love you?
the one who delights in such funny things
Can I love you?
the one who likes to buy fake flowers with me
Can I love you?
when I don’t fully understand you

Then you say, "Remember, you have a good heart"

Right here
this place
every where I turn
is a tender subject
my heart is heavy
from all the pressure applied
Right here
is where I would cave in
to the thousands of pounds I carried
I would give up and be crushed
Defeated

I am here again in that place
Shoved in a corner
Coiled into the fetal position
Trying to curl myself around my heart
that feels so fragile

But if I just decide not to close my eyes
If I just remember to look up
I will see you there
and I remember how you fight
If I just remember what you said
and I let your truth
fall from my lips
Your words turn into
a flaming sword
that pure fire truth
exposes the enemy
who hid in people’s words
who clothed itself in betrayal
the enemy who lived
in well crafted lives
that deceive and destroy
Fire burn!
Great sword cut down!
My battle cry:
Miracles happen through me!

I didn’t even know
that knot had formed
in my belly
until I let go
Ever so slowly
cords of lies
tried to tangle
to tie a noose around me
There Is Freedom
in an apology
when the honest word child
of self awareness and selflessness
come together
she is a beautiful creation
to behold
You can feel love breathe
as your diaphragm
can expand fully
No more tangled cords
constricting the truth