So much of me was lost in the fire. There are days when I can’t help but go looking for those pieces, but please don’t follow me. Just be there when I come home, because I will always come home. Please be patient with me, I am still so broken and sometimes I forget how to love. Don’t let me start fights just because I feel numb, I will hate myself so much more in the morning and you will get sick of my constant stream of apologies. You’re not him and you never will be; you are a million times better. Please don’t ever compare yourself to my past. Sometimes I cry for no reason, just hold my hands no matter how hard they are shaking and don’t let me drown. Forgive me if I ever flinch away from your touch, this skin of mine is not used to kindness. There is a black hole buried inside of me; be careful. I will write about you until my fingers bleed, I will follow you to the ends of the earth, I will make myself sick with loving you. I will turn myself inside out with worry. I will run, I will push. Oh my god, I will push. I will hurt myself and I won’t call you because I don’t want to need you. I will confess in tears on your bedroom floor the next day and I will feel too guilty to even look you in the eye. Please tell me it’s okay, even if it’s not. I promise I am trying, but I still fall sometimes. Let me be the little spoon, let me hog the blankets, let me steal your fries. I will always talk during movies, I will forget that it’s impolite to point or to stare, and I will never learn how to whisper quite right. I will try and tear myself apart and then beg you to help sew me back together. I will pretend I don’t need your help even when I do, don’t let me push you away. I will always feel like a burden, “confidence” is not in my vocabulary. I am light years past overly sensitive, and nearly everything hurts my feelings even if I don’t want it to. I am stubborn, and I will get mad when you tell me what I need to hear even though secretly I am so grateful. I will make stupid jokes that fall flat and laugh too loudly at all of the wrong times. I will trip and knock things over way more times than either of us can count. I will say “I love you” too much, I will say it in between every sentence. I just don’t want you to ever forget. I will tease you for how loud you snore, even though it really makes my heart swell. I’m going to get you sick, I’m going to steal your clothes, I’m going to make your life Hell. I have a lot of baggage and a lot of drama, and no matter how hard I try to keep you out of it I can’t. I will probably ask you to marry me at some point, and I know I will talk about the future even if I try not to. Always pretend you don’t notice that I’m embarrassing myself. Tell me what you dreamt about, tell me what you saw on your drive to school. Tell me what you and your friends did this weekend, tell me what movie you and your parents watched. Tell me everything, I want to know everything. Tell me what you think about the world, tell me what you think about God. Don’t let me forget who I am. I love you, okay? Even when I’m bad at showing it.

Licorice veins and pancake hands. You've got a universe where your brain should be and a feather for a heart. Your love is like a mountain range, your love is like a crashing wave. I say, "Oh, please ,can we have a wrap-around porch? And a balcony to kiss you on? And a swing to watch you grow old on?" And you say, "In time, darling." And I say, "But I want so badly for it to be now." We drive until our eyes go blurry and I pick you flowers on the side of the road. I put them in your hair, like a crown, and tell you you're the king of the forest, only the forest is inside of me; but I don't tell you that part. We make love in a truck stop bathroom and I tell you that if there is an after life I want to spend it with you. I burn your birthday breakfast (and lunch and dinner), but you kiss my eyelashes and assure me that take-out is fine. You write me short stories on butterfly wings and I whisper 'I love you' through my fingertips. We go to the moon one night and meet God, he tells us we are right for not believing. I ask you to marry me somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle, you tell me yes on one condition: I stop trying to change the way I view the world. If we were younger, I would throw a baseball through your window and ride my bike across your lawn. If you put me under a blacklight, you'd see nothing but your fingertips. I want to bake you apple pie-or blueberry, if you prefer.  A garden in the backyard, full of sunflowers for your mother and lotuses for mine. Chocolate chip pancakes with a side of memories for breakfast, and chocolate milk to drink. We can fall asleep and travel the world. Tell me about your dreams, the good and the bad. How many dogs is too many dogs? I want to melt into you.

We’re in the back of your car and I’m looking at the stars and it just kind of hits me, so hard it knocks the wind out of me. You’re the love of my life, and I want to tell you but I don’t. There’s a lot of things I think about telling you, but I don’t. You look at me and say “let’s run away”, and I don’t think you realize that it’s impossible to run away when you are my home. I follow where you go. I want to map out your body with the palms of my hands, I want every peak, every valley, every dip, and every curve etched into my brain. I want to ball you up and hide you safely behind my eyelids. If your love was a sea I would swim to the end of it, if your hands were bumble bees I would sing to them always, if your heart was a hummingbird I would grow you a garden full of flowers so it was never scarce of nectar. I can’t write like you do, I can’t move the earth like you do. But I love you, oh my god, I love you. I’ve been waiting for you my whole life. I know that one day we’re going to die and anything we did while we were living won’t matter, but you will. You’ll be the one thing I somehow remember, it’ll be oblivion and you. The great love of my life.

The way wink sounds more like wince under six feet of dirt.

I'm ******* terrified because I miss you so much my heart feels like it's caving in and I saw you seven hours ago. Looking at your face in the dark I can already feel how badly it is going to hurt when you leave. There are 10-12 hours (give or take) everyday that I'm not with you so in one week that means there's almost 5 days I'm missing out on and in one month that's roughly 20 days spent without you and in one year thats 240 days I don't get to see you. It scares me that I know that. It scares me how much that upsets me. Some days I wake up feeling like you're already gone. I'm already sad for next year. It may be your last semester but it feels like mine too, but its not a relief. I'm stuck here for another year and a half and by the time I catch up with you, you'll be all moved on. I've never been this comfortable and that's how I know I probably won't survive you leaving, and I can lie to myself and say it'll be fine but my heart is already breaking. How am I supposed to change every aspect of my life? I said I wouldn't need you but my fingers were crossed. I think I've needed you my whole life. I shouldn't put this weight on your shoulders, I shouldn't be pulling you down. I shouldn't be doing this to you. I would like to be able to say that I deserve this and I deserve you but I know that I don't. You're a gift from the Universe that I got by mistake but I'm too selfish to give you back. I'll probably be the first to say "I love you" but I know I'll be the last to leave.

It is 12:29 a.m. and I can't stop thinking about you and everything you did and it's making me ******* sick. I want to tear you from my mouth. I want to reach down inside of my throat and rip you out. I want every trace of you gone. I want to slice myself apart. I want to live in a body you've never touched. I want to live in a body that hasn't even breathed the same air as you. You are a disease, you are a disease, you are a disease. My veins are itching. My head is burning. I am filled with so much rage I'm terrified of myself. I banged my head against my bedroom wall so many times I've lost count but I haven't blacked out yet so I should probably keep going because no matter what I do I can't escape that ******* night. I wish I had never been born.