There's a boy
at the door for you
Elaine's mother said
talking to Elaine
at the door of her room

what boy?
Elaine asked

he said his name was John
her mother said
looking unhappy
her voice strained

he's here?
Elaine asked

I’ve just said he is
her mother said

Elaine frowned
how did he know
where I lived?

how do I know
her mother said

where is he?
Elaine asked

by the front door
now get along
and see him
and then tell me
what is going on
her mother said

Elaine went down stars
to the front door
and there he was
the boy John
standing by the door

how did you know
where I lived?
she asked him
leaning by the door
unsure what to do
or say more than that

I asked someone
in the village
and they said here
I got the bus here
from my village
he added

O I see
she said
looking at his eyes
hazel and bright

well invite him in Elaine
don't need to stand
on the doorstep
the mother said

ok
Elaine said
and invited John in
and they walked
into the living room
where he was invited
to sit on the brown settee  

I’m Elaine's mother
and you are John?  

yes,I'm John
he said
we go to school together
he added
on the bus
he put in
after a few seconds silence

I see
the mother said

she sat in an armchair
opposite him
and Elaine sat
on the settee
beside John

Elaine's not mentioned
you before
the mother said
eyeing the boy seriously

O I see
he said
looking at Elaine

never thought to say
Elaine said
looking at her slippers

are you friends
at school?
the mother said

yes
he said
we are

Elaine looked
at her mother
hoping he wouldn't
mention the kiss
he'd given her

we share an interest
in birds and butterflies
he said
gazing at the mother

birds and butterflies?
the mother said

yes I bring my book
to school and we
exchange what
we've seen
he said

O I see
the mother said
unsure of the boy
but thinking
he seemed all right

can I get you
a drink of tea?
the mother asked

he looked at Elaine
then at the mother
yes that would be lovely
he said
one sugar if I may
he added

the mother nodded
and smiled
and went out
to the kitchen
leaving the two alone

why did you come here?
Elaine asked
looking at the boy

I wanted to see you
he said
and I didn't want to
wait until Monday
he added

O I see
she said
feeling uncertain
feeling unsure
what she should
say or do

you don't mind do you?
I didn't think
I came on impulse
I don't usually
but I couldn't get you
out of my mind
he said

really?
she said
a smile lingering
on her lips
but not breaking out

yes
he said
ever since you got off
the bus on Friday
I’ve been like this
and he leaned forward
and planted
a gentle kiss.

Her mother poured tea

her father sat talking
about his day at work

her sister sat eating
her jam and cheese sandwich

Elaine sat looking
into space
her eyes vacant

cat got your tongue?
her mother said
gazing at her
the teapot mid-air

her father looked at her
perhaps she found herself
a boyfriend
and smiled

some hopes
her sister said
more chance of you
winning at horses Dad

Elaine blushed
and tried to look
uninterested
in the conversation
such as it was or wasn't

so who's the boy
who's in love
with my Frumpy Hen?
the father said

no boy at all
Elaine said
just thinking

that requires a brain
her sister said
with a mouthful
of jam and cheese
sandwich

her mother said
what boy
I never heard
of a boy?

there is no boy
it's just Dad
having his joke
Elaine said
going red
feeling her body
become hot  

I was going to say
you're too young yet
for boys and their
nonsense
you're just 14
why when I
was your age
boys were not
even on the agenda
why my dad'd
strap me one if
he thought I'd been
messing with boys

Elaine couldn't get
a boy to look at her
let alone mess
about with her
her sister said
munching the mouthful

Elaine tried to bring
her heart into
a steady pace
her pulse was racing
she sensed her blood
rushing through her body
like lava down a volcano

I can't imagine
our Elaine with a boy
anyway
her father said
maybe a boy
with a white stick
he joked
with a guide dog

Elaine gazed at her father
and frowned

only joking
my Frumpy Hen
I dare say
you'll get some one
someday

not before she's older
her mother said
sitting at the table
not before she's
much older
can't have a girl
her age with boys
and all they get up to
like that Mrs Kimp's daughter
out all hours with boys
coming along the road
with a boy on her arm
not right and she
no older that Elaine here

Elaine tried to imagine
herself some place else
as she ate a ham sandwich
feeling like gagging
on it

if she was a daughter of mine
I'd give her what for
the mother said
sitting uneasy
on the chair
gazing at Elaine's
young sister
not at Elaine

I'm not thinking
of a boy
Elaine lied
feeling her body unfold
her heart racing along

good job too
her mother said
you're my good girl
giving Elaine a smile
as John crept
into Elaine's thoughts
all the while.

The boy John
had gone

he'd been there
for about an hour
sitting on the settee
then briefly
-with her mother's
permission-
out in the garden
where they looked
for birds and butterflies

Elaine had seen him off
from the front garden gate
-her mother peering
through net curtains-
and watched until
he disappeared
around a bend

did you know
he was coming?
her mother asked

no I had no idea
Elaine replied
looking at
the empty place
on the settee
where he'd sat

he does know
you're 14
I suppose?

he's in my class at school
he's 14 too
Elaine said
sensing the place
where he'd sat
beside her and the kiss
on the lips
so sudden so gentle
yet Mum had been
in the kitchen
what if she had seen?

he might have
asked first
her mother said
not just turn up
on the doorstep

I didn't know
Elaine said
then licked her lips
where his lips
had been

can I trust you?
her mother asked

trust me
to do what?
Elaine said

do nothing
her mother said

do nothing?
Elaine said
looking unsure
what her mother meant

do things with him
her mother said

do things?
Elaine repeated
what things?

her mother frowned
and said
nothing just nothing

Elaine nonplus
nodded her head

her mother smiled
now what
was I doing?
she said
o yes the washing
and went off
to the wash room
and left Elaine frowning
at her mother's
departing figure

do nothing?
Elaine muttered
to herself
and patted the space
where the boy John
had sat
then touched her lips
and that was that.

Elaine, Elaine, with no last name.
I can still hear them. Turns out I'm just really good at listening.
Identity, Identity, Identity. Who are you? Where do you come from? What's your name?
Three of the world's easiest questions and I didn't have an answer for any.
Elaine, Elaine, she's quite the shame, that sad little girl with no last name.
They tell me I'm seventeen. What do they know? They know what I know; not a **** thing.
Elaine, Elaine, she's all to blame, that shame of having no last name.
Maybe it wasn't my fault. But then again, maybe it always was.
Elaine, Elaine, down the drain, she's the one that's all to blame, she's the one that bears the shame
of having lost her own last name.

For Beep & Sue Robinson, Foreman, Victoria Park Tunnel


Auntie Elaine Kingii
Died last night in her sleep,
Ninety years of age
Keeping secrets she would keep.
Last night she passed away
In her tiny single bed,
At the Onehunga rest home
Where she finally laid her head.

Auntie Elaine Kingii
Lived her long life on the street
Helping other vagrants
Find a kinder place to sleep,
Helping other street kids
With the hassles of their day,
Sharing a quick cigarette
Or a dryer place to stay.

Auntie Elaine Kingii
In her ninety years of life
Had eighteen babies born to her
From sailors , waifs and like.
Eighteen babies born to her
Beneath the Grafton bridge,
Each with unknown fathers
Or a family heritage.

Auntie Elaine Kingie
As a girl danced out of class
Where the morning sunshine sparkled
On the crystal dew, clad grass,
And her green eyes shone with lustre
In her  joy of dancing free,
Whilst the street kids stood in cluster
Quite entranced by what they see.

Auntie Elaine Kingii
With her eyes of emerald green
Lived her days among the lost souls
Of the City Mission scene.
Life amongst free spirits
Was a chosen path for her
Shunning organised prosperity
With a structured raconteur.

Auntie Elaine Kingii
With her eyes of emerald glass
Chose to die the way she lived
Quite serenely with her class.
Happy with the company
Of whom she would befriend
In the park surrounds of Auckland city’s
Busy people blend.


Marshalg
Victoria Park Tunnel
21 June 2011

Elaine dreamed of herself
and the boy John.

Elaine dreamed
she was in a field
of long grass
with a cornflower
blue sky and white
cotton wool clouds.

The Elaine in her dream
was lying on her back;
her hands across her stomach,
eyes on John at her side.

He was talking of butterflies
or birds or bird's eggs.

She wasn't listening;
she was studying the sky,
and cloud movement,
feeling shy.

She turned in her sleep;
pulled the pillow
close to her face.

The John in the dream
put his hand up
inside her skirt;
he said he was looking
for her butterfly;
the Elaine in her dream
said nothing;
the Elaine smiled.

The hand became fingers
or a finger and entered her.

She turned over in her sleep
and lay on her back.

She sensed him there
a feeling of opening up
and needing to ***.

Alarmed she awoke;
the moon was in
the corner of her window
giving out a bright glow.

Why didn't the Elaine
in her dream
say something
not just lay there
she wanted to know.

You're not eating properly
Eliane's mother said
you've hardly eaten a thing
Elaine who'd been thinking

of the boy John
looked up
through her glasses

at her mother
at the dining table
got to eat
her father interjected

got to eat
my young Plump Hen
her sister said nothing

but grinned
I do eat
Elaine said
but she didn't feel

like eating
it seemed the least
important thing

at that moment
her stomach felt
as if it had fallen
into a slumber

not enough
her mother said
maybe she's fallen in love

her father bantered
Elaine went red
and lowered her head
and began to nibble

at the food on her plate
nonsense
her mother said

it's some silly
slimming diet
I bet
not very successful

if it is
her younger sister said smiling
John had touched her arm

in passing at school
not by accident
but by design
he meant to touch

to bring her briefly
into his world
his circumference

she still touched
now and then
the area on her arm
he touched (at school)

with her fingers
I won't have you dieting
over some silly fad

her mother went on
but Elaine ceased listening
the words were buzzing flies
she wanted to

flick them away
with a hand
John had talked to her

not at her
or about her
(as others did)
or down to her

but with her
in a duel thing
he and she

kind of exchange
she ate slowly
the food almost
making her gag

getting stuck
in the throat
she held onto

the image of him
in her mind tried
to focus
on his outline

on his features
his words
taking each one

she could remember
and turning it over
in her mind
as if it were

a rare gem
girls your age
what are you now?

14 yes 14years old
ought not to diet
her mother said
breaking into Elaine's head

if I see you not eating again
I'm taking to the doctors
Elaine looked up

and put on
her good daughter face
that I'll do
whatever you want features

and John had placed
a hand by her head
at the school fence

his arm brushing softly
against her hair
and he never said anything
unkind about

her dark hair
or the metal grips
her mother made her wear

and her mother rattled on
but Elaine just returned
her innocent girl
stare.

She'd slept bad.

Thoughts of John
invaded her head
as she lay in bed.

She'd hugged her
Teddy close; kissed
him pretending.

Stroked Teddy's
head, his arms,
kissed him repeatedly.

Her sister snored.

Her sister talked
in her sleep.

Elaine wished
for morning.

Wished for dawn's
light and birdsong;
wanted John there
in her bed;
in her head.

Breakfast was a chore;
she didn't want to eat;
her mother said
she had to: none of
that slimming nonsense.

She ate feeling full,
feeling ill.

Lovesick her
father said jokingly.

Her mother
was not amused,
said just a slimming thing.

Elaine ate and mused dully.

Wondered if John
would kiss her again.

Did she want him to?
She didn't know;
half yes, half no.

The kiss made her
feel out of her
comfort zone;
made her feel
unknown feelings;
buzzes in her *****.

She sipped the lukewarm tea:
sugary sweet, drowned in milk.

Her sister chatted about boys
and what so and so did.

Her mother said boys
were not for breakfast talk.

Her father said Elaine
-his Frumpy hen-
didn't need to slim,
was OK as she was.

Elaine wanted John;
wanted a kiss;
wanted him to touch;
a little not over much.

That is it
all over
Elaine thinks

on the bus
after school
she and John

and the kiss
all done with
everything

on the edge
her nerves wrought
as if each

hidden thought
was exposed
to everyone

silently
she sits near
the window

looking out
tears sitting
on the rims

of her eyes
like actors
impatient

to get on
to the stage
and perform

she’d seen John
walk on by
to get on

the school bus
he is there
across the

aisle sitting
looking out
as she is

wondering
what went wrong
what he’d said

or done wrong
at lunch time
on the field

at recess
he saw her
on the bus

sitting there
looking out
not at him

pretending
not to know
he is there

Goldfinch talks
beside him
some such stuff

in his ears
empty words
soft laughter

all John wants
is Elaine
to have her

near to him
her body
close and warm

not this cold
far distance
between them

Elaine feels
all undone
all exposed

each nerve taut
every
thought of John

being near
but not near
wanting him

next to her
as it was
before lunch

the bus moves
to go home
she watches

scene changes
vibrations
moving tears

to the edge
like fragile
suicides

thinking on
the long fall
but her love

bites deeply
all undone
can’t recall.

The water
in the bath
is quite hot

and soapy
Elaine's mum
has run it

put in her
own bath stuff
Elaine lays

all stretched out
her feet at
the tap end

the water
soapy hot
caresses

her small *******
she hates them
and loves them

they tell her
she's growing
into a

young woman
her childhood
almost gone

they look like
small piglets
drowning there

she muses
she hates it
when at school

in P.E.
when the girls
point at her

look at those
small *******
they tell her

the boy John
whom she likes
at the school

doesn't look
or seem to
but maybe

he does gaze
secretly
she muses

and that thought
undoes her
he looking

mentally
he touching
each of them

how to get
such a thought
out of mind?

she sits up
in the bath
she'll ask him

if he does
when at school
the next day

but she won't
she knows it
but she'll watch

as he talks
of bird's eggs
or new seen

butterflies
where he looks
with his eyes

what beneath
her white blouse
and small bra

bunched up lies.

Vancouver Bay, viewed out the front
window, as out the back door,
the snowcapped Olympics loom..
A beautiful ocean breeze  here
in Port Angeles.. and amazing
warmth,  in the sun.

Hours long visits with my Mother
yesterday and today.. and then us
finding a long lost cousin  on
ancestry .  com  when we get  back
to the house. Pictures of dad there
when he was young before the war.
Stories and memories  from Mom
about before  and after, everything
went bad.

And pictures, pictures, pictures
of before it went bad..

      but none after.

I feel the distance  of the memories
but not the pain. I hold Momma close
within the knowledge  that nothing
whatsoever  has a hold on me. Elaine
is serving meals and catering to
our mother in her Rainman-like
attempt, to keep all her pain at bay;

    She is flesh of my flesh..
    blood.. of my blood.
    There with me  from the beginning--

    amidst the horrors  far beyond
    a child's innocent vocabulary
    to describe.

Back home she opens up
ancestry . com again  as Harlan talks
about his adoption  and attempt at
reconnection with his blood family,
once he finds out who they are.  Few
even want to acknowledge his  existence.

   The distant cousin of ours
   wants to tell Elaine about Dad
  right after the war.

After she responds, I **** on her
leg and then wave another, directly her way.
She's trying  to keep from laughing
as she fakes throwing up.

   I **** on her one more time
   just to show her who's boss..

She's like a machine  in her need
to take care of Mom. We take pictures
when again,  back over there..
I keep messing the timer up
on my phone's camera,
I think Mom wants to be left alone.

I don't think Mom ever
wants to be left alone.

She straight-arms me when I try
to help her up from the table.
I step back,  
but don't take it personally.
Back on the couch..  she's
she's cranky now, because the
current New York times  arrived
with a tear. She opens up the
business section and I tell her
Warren Buffett is my new boss.
She's very pleased with his ownership
of our company, and then immerses
herself into her newspaper.

   Elaine says its time to go.

She will ask Elaine again tomorrow
morning if I was really here..  or
was it her imagination. I will show
her again tomorrow that I am very
real. There have been horrors  beyond
description. There are years and years
and years,  of my letting go.

Back at the house, I sit on the front
steps and stare out at the bay.
Victoria Island is beautiful.
The Olympic Mountains are breathtaking.
Time with Harlan and Elaine  as the
sun goes down. I wave a **** one more time,  
her way.. for good measure.  
She brings me Rocky Road ice cream  
because she remembers its my favorite.
I muster up one more **** her way
before heading off to bed.

She comments about my strength.

Back down in the guestroom,
you are on top of me--
your beautiful thighs  straddling my hips..
You've been working out, beautiful girl
that firm ***..  feeling so incredible
in my hands..
You ease your beautiful, warm wet
slowly..  down on to me
in your desire to  bring about
   for each of us..
   the most beautiful,  deep release.

You kiss me deeply,  as our bodies  writhe
in deep ******--
Beautiful ****,  to my chest
as I pulse the warmth  of my *****
deeply,   in to you..

"This is the death  of all death, beautiful girl"..
I whisper into your weary spirit
as your beautiful *****..  gushes deeply
all over my warm, pulsing  flesh.


..And suddenly  we are *******
in the warm,  pouring rain--

https://www.pornhub.com/view_lala-la-la-lala-la



       You are overcoming, beautiful girl.
                         ~xoxoxo~

Whenever the wind is blustery
And buffets the chamber door,
I find Elaine, curling in fear
Down on the hallway floor.
She cries, calls suddenly out to me,
‘Do you hear the shades of sin?
I know that it’s got it in for me,
You’re never to let it in.’

‘Never to let what in?’ I say,
‘It’s only the southern wind,
Blowing in turgid sudden gusts,
To rattle the panelling.’
‘It’s ever much more,’ Elaine replied,
‘I’ve seen it up in the trees,
Just like a flight of monster bats
To beat me down to my knees.’

As if in reply, a mighty gust
Blew in the chamber door,
In came a flurry of autumn leaves
That settled, down on the floor.
But with it a cold and clammy darkness
Seemed to enter the room,
An awesome sight in the fading light
It huddled there in the gloom.

It came in the shape of a giant cape,
A hood of enormous size,
And peering out from the hood, no doubt,
A pairing of bloodshot eyes.
I heard a bubbling in its throat
A babble of rasping sounds,
‘It’s time to come for the deed you’ve done,
You’re due in the devil’s grounds.’

Elaine lay whimpering in the hall,
She lay there, hiding her eyes,
‘I didn’t think you would find me out,’
She muttered, to my surprise.
‘What was the awful thing you did,
You never told me before.’
‘I poisoned her drink, then ran and hid,
When she fell down on the floor.’

A bony hand reached out from the cape
And seized Elaine by the throat,
She fought and struggled, tried to escape
Then screamed, in a long, high note.
‘You can’t be late for your nuptials,’
The beast had growled in return,
‘You’ll soon be wed to a demon, who
Will take you to hell, to burn.’

I watched it pull Elaine to her feet,
Then drag her out through the door,
The monster bats were up in the trees,
But she lay dead on the floor.
Whenever I hear the southern wind
Come beat on the door outside,
I think of the times that I have sinned,
And shudder, how Elaine died.

David Lewis Paget

Elaine prepares for school
she slept bad
odd snap dreams
of John

but then
he was gone
she ties her
brown shoe laces

and has made
an effort
with her black hair
brushed it

into some kind
of style
(her younger sister
smirks)

her mother reties
her school tie
must look tidy
her mother says

can't have you
setting
a bad example
Elaine wonders

if John will be
on the school bus
and how
she will feel

if he is there
after yesterday
and the row
or whatever

it was
her mother
smiles at her
have a good day

she says
she and her sister
wait
for the school bus

to come
her sister talks
to others waiting
next to them

but all Elaine
can think of
is John
and if he

is on the bus
and will he
look out at her
when the bus stops?

the thought
of him staring
at her
from the bus window

makes her feel flushed
has she blushed?
she wonders
she fiddles

with her satchel strap
touches her hair
she sniffs
her mother's scent

she borrowed
not too much?
she sniffs again
where is the bus?

she breathes in deep
that kiss
began it all
that one kiss

and all this
the school bus
comes around
the corner

she tenses
her eyes look
at the ground
in case he's looking

at her
she becomes
self conscious
imagines him

staring at her
she senses
her body leak
as she climbs on board

behind a boy
with ginger hair
she wishes she
was elsewhere

not here
not anywhere
where he
can stare

she thinks
sitting in a seat
all emptied of self
staring at her feet.

Oh, come again to Astolat!
  I will not ask you to be kind.
And you may go when you will go,
  And I will stay behind.

I will not say how dear you are,
  Or ask you if you hold me dear,
Or trouble you with things for you
  The way I did last year.

So still the orchard, Lancelot,
  So very still the lake shall be,
You could not guess—though you should guess—
  What is become of me.

So wide shall be the garden-walk,
  The garden-seat so very wide,
You needs must think—if you should think—
  The lily maid had died.

Save that, a little way away,
  I’d watch you for a little while,
To see you speak, the way you speak,
  And smile,—if you should smile.

My old great-aunt Elaine with her withered hands gave me $200 and beaded handbag
"This your mad money," she told me, as we sat on that nursing home couch, "And it ain't for your purse. This goes in your shirt, where only you know you got it."
The assisted-living nurse chuckled to herself. They got along, my great-aunt and her.
"Why?"
"Cuz if you get angry," she said, in that Marlboro-raspy voice of hers, "And you gotta go, you walk out on your date and you leave 'is ***. And then you got your money for a strong drink. And your cab."
The nurse laughed
My aunt re-situated herself on the nursing home couch. Elaine Dauterive. Her mind was going, and so was her health, but she was as regal as a queen on her throne in that moment
her fire-red hair, ungrayed, was her crown
No cape as royal as that sleeping gown.
"Don't you think for once second I can't take care of you, honey," she said in that creole drawl, and I knew what she meant
Because even after she'd gone I would have that mad money
All stuffed in my bra for when I needed it
Because she was older than time, for me, seeing things like
The Great Depression, World War II
What I read in history books
I'd be ****** if I took what she said with even one grain of salt because Auntie-Lane, I'll be ****** if I don't love you
And I know you're on your way out and
I'll buy you whiskey in the afterlife with some of that $200 cash that you busted your *** scrounging up for me
Southern hospitality at its finest
And those liver spots redder than wine adorn you like badges of honor for all of the years you've endured
My elder - creole woman, with a soul as fire-red as her hair, breathing more smoke than air
My old dragon
On a pile of gold: her mad money

Elaine walked home with her sister after getting off the school bus she had looked up as the bus drove off and stared to see if John was looking and he was and she smiled or she is sure she did smile then after the bus had gone she wondered if she had smiled or not or whether she had imagined she had done so her sister walked on chatting about her day Elaine just listened as much as she thought she ought but deep down she was not interested in her sisters day she was more concerned about John and how he had talked to her and named her after a butterfly but now she had forgotten the name of the butterfly was it Peacock or whatever she couldnt recall and did it matter? no it didnt stay in her mind the name so it couldnt have been important  at all she thought looking past her sister at the trees and the hedgerow which they walked past when they entered the house her mother was in the kitchen preparing the dinner her sister talked to her mother about her day but apart from saying hello and yes she was all right Elaine walked up the stairs to her room and shut the door and put her school bag on the floor and walked to the window and stared out at the garden and the trees and birds in the air and she thought of John and his talk of birds and how he sought out their nests not to invade or destroy but to study and see what nest it was and how many eggs and what was the name of the butterfly he said she was? she couldnt recall and looked back at her bed at the neatness of it after her mother had made and tidied up and her favourite doll lay next to her pillow she lay down on the bed and crossed her legs at her ankles and put her hands over stomach and stared at the ceiling white but with a spider black and plump settled in the corner by the window she hated spiders hated the way they settled there as if waiting for the lights to go out at night then creep along above her bed and then silently lower themselves down into her bed or head or on her pillow she thought of john how he had talked to her even though she had stormed off a while ago after the kiss he gave her and it had unsettled her but now she wondered if he would kiss her again and if he did how she would feel next time she sighed and looked at her feet at the shoes black and slightly scuffed and she knew her mother would tell her off for having her shoes on while laying on the bed she stared at the shoes then eased them off with one foot after the other the shoes falling to the floor and her feet just having the white socks on and she wiggled her toes and sighed and closed her eyes and wondered what John was doing now and if he was at home now and what he was thinking and was he thinking of her as she was thinking of him she mused trying to imagine him in her minds eye wondering if he would kiss her kiss her the Frump as the other kids called her at school he had once kissed her she embraced herself her hands on her shoulders crossed over her ******* imagining that maybe he would embrace her like that and hold her close to him and if he did how would she react and why did he blush so easily as she had when he seemed to take note of her she wanted to pretend he was there beside her now here in her room where she felt safe and here on her bed so she could hold him and he hold her but what then? kissing? and how would her body react to that? She didn't understand her body it seemed to act on its own like it did that time when he kissed her and her body acted almost independently of her heart plump faster and her pulse raced that day and O God she had thought sh'd wet herself  but she hadnt it was just a thing about him how he could affect so even if she didnt think her did he did she pulled the pillow from behind her head and held it close to her feeling it with her fingers with eyes still closed she imagined it was he there his body she was holding soft not firm she sniffed it it smelt of herself her shampoo her sweat her not him she held it against her ******* kissed the top pretending it was he whom her lips touched but it wasn't like him when he kissed her that day it seemed so soft like a feather touching but it was him his lips touched her so softly yet stirred her so much she hugged the pillow tighter yet hugging it made her feel uneasy what if it was him she was hugging where did things go from there she wondered what happened next when he had kissed her that day his hands had touched her back one hand moving over bottom and yet she wasnt so aware at the time of the effect it was afterwards after he had gone that she realized that he had touched her there or the maybe it was like a palm print there at least she imagined so was that what happened? was it touching too? where touching? O she pushed the pillow away from her and opened her eyes and stared at the pillow laying there white and soft and lifeless an aunt had said to her a while ago beware of boys Elaine they only want to get into your ******* and yet her aunt had never said why or what the boys were after and she hated being fourteen at times she wanted to be nine or ten again when thing seemed simple and her body did what it was told but now it seemed to do what it wanted and not what she thought it should she sighed and put the pillow under head again and lay on her side and stared at the wall her hands tucked between her thighs her mind full of what ifs and sad sighs.

Elaine sits
in her room
the door shut

her sister
in the room
next to hers

plays records
all too loud
an Elvis

Rock and Roll
kind of song
but Elaine

shuts it out
as best as
she now can

curtain's drawn
***** of light
through a gap

gazing hard
at herself
in mirror

her features
those two eyes
her thoughts on

the boy John
what went wrong?
almost there

getting close
yet so tense
lost in words

burnt in touch
scared to feel
love as this

undoing
lost balance
this love feel

this chasm
she pretends
to kiss him

her eyes close
Elvis sings
from nearby

the song hurts
feels undone
makes her cry.

She wiped her glasses
and put them on
and lay in bed
looking towards the window
she'd hardly slept

all night
the light brought
a new day
Sunday with church bells

from across the way
and the trees outside
the window swaying
Elaine still felt tired

she had tried not
to think of the boy John
who had talked to her
at school on the Friday

but every time
she turned over
he was there
talking about birds

about the skills
of the sparrow-hawk
or some such talk
had he really

talked to her?
doubts came
maybe it was just
a game he was playing

some big tease
put up to by others
to make laugh
and others please

she repeated word on word
sentence after sentence
trying to recall
his tone of voice

and those hazel eyes
of his peering
into her head and thoughts
God forbid

somethings are best hid
she thought
she'd got through
the previous day

without mentioning
about the boy to anyone
even during meals
when conversations

were strong
and always going on
she'd kept quiet
sat there staring

at the clock on the wall
or with vacant stare
the first boy
who had actually

spoken to her
and not verbally
abused or called
her names

or sniffed her school coat
and holding a nose
pretended to collapse
and die

OK
so she was frumpy looking
and shy
and the glasses

weren't her best feature
and her hair was hard
to manage and keep neat
but did he really talk to her

by the fence at school?
did he really touch her
as he went off  
to get on the bus?

closing her eyes
she tried to
picture him again
the brushed back hair

the wrinkled forehead
the hazel eyes peering
the undone school tie
the unbuttoned shirt

that inch or so
of naked skin
and turning over in bed
she tried to hold on

to the image
inside her head
and snuggle down
between blankets

and sheets
with head on her pillow
Mum said it's time
to get up for breakfast

her younger sister said
no wasting the time
daydreaming
and then she had gone

out the door
leaving it ajar
time to get up
to get through the day

wondering if he'd be there
tomorrow and would
he talk again
or was that just

a one off
conversation
a bit of a lark
but she recalled him

once more
as she rose from bed
and walked
to the bathroom to wash

and wake
and even when
she returned
and began to dress

watching her frumpy frame
in the cupboard mirror
her small *******
her hair in a mess

she kept his image
in mind
trying to find
the place where

he touched her
sensing along
with her fingers
biting her lip

this new sensation
this opening up
like being on the edge
of a new world

wondering what it was
she felt inside and along her skin
was it natural
or was it a sin?

Elaine sat in class.
She'd seen John
on the bus, but he
had not looked over

at her, but gazed out
the window, sitting
beside the boy Trevor.
She looked back and

he was sitting at back
of class with a boy
called Rowland, he
looking at some book

the boy was showing him.
Once the pupils were
all there Miss G took
the register calling out

the names. Elaine wished
John was beside her at her
desk; wished he was talking
to her not the Rowland boy.

She sat uneasy, her body
plumpish, her glasses smeary
needing cleaning. Miss G
talked about music; about

Mozart; about his piano
works and put on a LP and
the pupils sat arms folded
or hands over faces listening

-or not- to the unfolding
Mozart music piece. Her sister
talked of boys over breakfast;
what so and so had done and

where and their mother had said
NOT AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE
loudly but did boys really sniff
after girls as her sister had said?

Elaine never heard John sniff her.
He had kissed her that day, but
not sniffed-thank God- and she looked
at Miss G as the music played away.

As the school bus
drove away
Elaine watched it go
she had smiled at John

but it had been
an uncertain smile
unsure if he
would smile

if she smiled
and that uncertainty  
reflected itself
in her smile

she had looked over
at John on the bus
but she had blushed
as he looked at her

and she didn't look again
in case she blushed
and her sister saw her
and that would

have meant being
teased later
the bus went
from her sight

and she walked home
beside her sister
wishing she had
smiled more

and had looked over
at the boy John again
but she hadn't
the walk home

seemed endless
and her sister talked
of her day
and what so and so

had done or said
and who had said
what to whom
but Elaine was lost

in her own thoughts
and once she got home
and had said hello
to her mother

who was preparing tea
she went to her bedroom
to change out
of her school uniform

and into something casual
and having done that
she lay on her bed
and looked

at the ceiling
wondering what she
really felt
about John

and how his being
around her
and talking to her
affected her

she sighed and wished
she was more confident
as her sister was
more sure of herself

and her feelings
the kiss the other week
from John
had unsettled her

and she was still
trying to make out
if he was really
interested in her

or if it was just
some joke
he was playing
although she didn't

think it was a joke
because he seemed
too honest and why
would he carry out

a joke to such lengths
and no one else
at school seemed in
on any joke against her

apart from calling her
Frumpy and teasing her
no one seemed in
on any joke

the kiss was so sudden
and so unexpected
that it pushed her
into unknown territory

but as she lay there
on her bed
and closed her eyes
she thought what it

would be like
if he was in the room
with her and if he lay
beside her

and kissed her again
what would she think
or feel?
she mused

hugging
her Teddy Bear
close to her *******
and kissing the Teddy's head

and even though
John wasn't there
she still blushed
bright red.