WE all have our places in this world.
I do,too.
I , am the rotten apple of the basket
.I stay in the basket too long,
i tend to ruin everything.
thats my place in the world.
that was supposed to be my identity till my last breath.
like the identity of my love is to unscrew him,
for my doctor is to do what no one else would,
for for HIM ,it was to smile and make the world
a better place.
its what defines us.

But that day when i had decided to do three extra shots of ***** and five extra drags and three snorts of ******* and then passed out after a seizure ,i  didnt know i would wake up to a new morning and to a new identity . i was in pain,in considerable pain,and there was just one person who still smiled at the rotten assemblage of human tissues that i had become,that person was him.a guy with the brightest of smiles and the biggest of hearts who didnt think anyone was bad inside.and for someone like me who has ten thousand layers of bad before the slightest of goof,it meant a lot.What would have happened had i decided to do that one month later? who knows ? i would have died,thats for sure.But i would have died a bitter,angry girl.**** am i happy now? will i be happy five years from now ? i dont know.Do i thank him for saving me? YES. do i feel good about being saved.? again. I'm not so sure.why should i be happy just bcus i have few years more to live,why should i be happy becausee i have more time with my parents? why should i be happy because my folks wont grieve ? For HIM,these questions,were the answers.Then why didnt she get those last few breaths? that extra few years?

AS i look at the empty bed next to me and the missing books adn the absence of his chirping laughter,i feel the world has permanently become a little darker,a little sadder.All i remember of him are his last words to me ' I'll be back.It will be okay.'
Well,he lied.I dont think i am forgiving him for that.Not now,not ever.

He left us behind to miss him,to yearn for him,to find things to distract ourselves from missing him.he is not there.he is not around us.i will never see that smile.he will not be on the next bed trying to irritate the hell out of me.he will not talk till my head bursts into little splinters and then irritate me some more.i have not me his doc Zaarah,but over the last few days i have heard stories. she told Arman that she was sure she he smiled at her long after her heart rate dropped and the lifeline drew a flat line on the monitor and the doctors failed to revive her.Armaan tells me that zaarah had spent the night at the morgue standing outside his frozen casket bcus HE was afraid of the darl.he tells me she had to be forced out before she could catch pneumonia or something worse.she tells me how every night Zaarah comes to both the room and terrace where they had gone for their first date.She tells me how his mother had fainted when she came back to our unlucky room no. 509 and how she  had to be pulled back from his bed by his father. He tells me his father looked like a walking corpse when he heard the news.he tells me how both sets of parents had cried arm in arm.he tells me how his dad comforted my crying dad,when i was battling for my life while their daughter was dead. Arman tells me that his father has nt said a word since the day he passed away on the operating table,lying on the side with his back cut open and a smile pasted on his face.it was painless,he tells me.

Does knowing that it was painless make me feel any better? it doesnt. he was no stranger to pain.he was strong and she would have picked pain and life any day over comfort and death.people like her arent meant to die.they never die bcus people never forget them.did he give us enough moments together? he would never have been able to even if he had died a hundred years later.people like him just dont live that enough. No matter how long,how fulfilling,how painless their deaths are= people miss them.Like i;miss him,and i hardly knew him,we werent even friends;we were roommates.



He dies. I live. I cry. Where is the sense in that ? i didnt even want to live.I thought the procedures,the medicines,the doctors and the drips were nonsense.all i wanted was to get injected with a few extra CCs of morphine n my drip and i'd pass on the next world,painlessly.i didnt want this.i hated pain.i have done everything i could find,to run away from it. i used to numb myself by injecting and snorting everything i could find.nobody wanted this. How do you think i will feel when i look at his parents,childless,grieving at his loss? how do you think i will feel when Zaarah crosses my path? We were in the same room.Same room!!! how difficult it was to have our fates switched ? how wrong can god get if there is one ? We were right there.how could he not see?

did i find a donor ? yes,I did. It was him. the perfect match.we were roommates.

But thats not the only thing he gave me. 15 days after my surgery wen i was shifted back to my room,the bed next to me was empty but for a little note on top of it.I opened the note which said.

' you were the best roommate ever.Now we're even. it 2-2.Dont waste it'
I cry.

I was a lost soul
In this world so cold
Where everyone knows the mind becomes corrupted
Because everything in life is about money cars
and that ****** seduction

Just becareful bcus if u get ****** in
Ull cnfuse love with lust
Money for power  
In it's self a contradiction
But still has Everyman wishing
For the life of a superstar when really it's the little ones that make galaxies

but see we are confused by our own infatuations nd a touch of insanity
So here I am trying to figure out my souls anatomy

Days have passed,
I sit and stare,
At the phone,
But why do I care?

You came like a shooting star,
You never promised you’d stay,
I pre assumed it for myself,
That you wanted me and I granted you may.

I was such an idiot,
To give you my all,
I gave you till the brim,
To face this day,when you shall never call?

I still try and flush you,
Out of my mind,
Sometimes It works,
But its not that im blind.

We were like a candle
Spreading light,
Our faces glowing so bright,
We were happy,we were kind,
You flickered it,
What a plight?

O' thee mastermind
You tried to end this
On a note you sound guilty
Gratefully,you had a girl like me
I made sure you don’t feel filthy

******
PITY

These words keep creeping me out
My demons take your side
They come ina stride.
They say I ,myself am a doubt.

I neverdenied not giving
You what you always craved for
I had some rational reasons,
Your tendencies grew more and  more.

My kisses are all that
You wanted
My skin is all that
You longed to feel
With your lascivious eyes
I permitted you to see me
I don’t know you actually saw me
Or saw through me?
My hugs are all you wanted
As a hallmark to our thing

Oh lord,why on earth
Did I fall so hard for a guy
As pervert as you,
Bcus all the reasons why
Left me
Were mere reasons to please your pal.

I was meant to be crushed
You planned my stampede of emotions
Yet,I gave you the key to my heart
And allowed you to rob me wholly?



OH,HOW VULNERABLE WAS I?

Bcus we never
Got physically
Intimate,just like your best friend had,
I was ridiculed and punished relentlessly,
Till I could badly corrode.

You were corrupt,young man!
You are a delaer,**** it!
You hollowed me,I’m empty!
This void that spaces me out
From merry people,kills my insides,
Alas! My murderer for love/boys
Shall never be convicted,for sure.

Rather I’d invite you to the
Cortege of a young
Girl you once
Pretended to love,
And ended up
Suffocating her to death,
Not entirely though,
She still lives,
Partially.
She still fakes a smile.
She still forces a laugh.
Assures herself,she ‘s mature
Enough to go on.
YES,I’m half way there.

But all of me
Loved all of you
And now,when a part of me
Is turning into smoke,
When I dreamt of ‘I dos’
Today I pronounce you
‘guilty as charged’
For hurting me so hard for
Not pleasing  your greedy senses,
Leaving me so
Unpalatable.
When I look at myself
In the mirror
Not that I used to smile everyday
Looking at my reflection.
But this day,
I glare at myself,
Parts of me you wanted to
Touch,
*****,
Feel
And smile.
Im left disgusted, do you even realize
I feel like a ***** *****
how I used to get ready to please you,
and you never appreciated it?
Yeaahhh,now I get you,you never
Liked me with clothes on,isn’t it?
It feels like
Getting ready
To be your meal
Satisfying your hunger
Am I that puerile ?
That silly?
I poured  these things
from me to you
And hope
they will suffice .

I hold you guilty,
Yet release you
Bcus again thankfully,
You were once loved by a girl,
You felt was naïve,
Is strong enough to pardon you,
I don’t know if it’s a
Blessing or a curse,
But hwat I had was true,
And all this time your feelings were strew.

Disgusted,
Definitely,
But certainly,
Not
Destroyed!

No matter how much i talk of love and how obsessed i'm with romance,and love flicks.and how much i need somebody who loves me to the core.as soon as i have it.I cannot take it.I crib when he compliments and crib when he doesn't.and a lot more serious and stupid stuff.

I'm so stupid.That this disorder that i have,has separated us today.
and i know,tomorrow,or some days later,i shall cry for wanting you back,bcus i am incomplete and alone.But,well,lets face it. I gotta deal with my emotions. how my mood and emotions and feelings fluctuate.so its better to stay outta this pure fantasy named LOVE. Because not everyone get what they aspire for,and definitely hot messes like me,dont deserve being in love or being loved,
NONE OF THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE
my crazy,super crazy,miserable,chaotic life.
cheers to my trouble.
so please.dont come close to me,dont love me,dont look at me,i need help,and maybe you dont realise just how much i really need it.i dont wanna spoil you with my ill behavior.
I thanked you for being an angel  2 days ago.and now i never imagined,i will be bidding you a long Goodbye.forever.

hey. are you proud of me yet? i am no longer cranky over late replies. i am no longer question over short text. i am now 'independent'. i am now 'strong'. i no longer talk about my feelings that much. i no longer disappoint people. i also think i no longer asked for attention that much. i just let it happens. i just let people do whatever they want to me bcus i want people to stay in my life. is that how it works? i no longer tell people the tale of why i like daisy than roses. i no longer share to people how i love tea not because i love it but because i cannot tolerate coffee.
i no longer talk that much. bcus you taught me my thoughts werent real and it doesnt counts. are you really proud of me, yet?
i can live a day without wanting to talk to you. i am no longer clingy like how you want me to be. i no longer really wants to know your day. i no longer genuinely care about people bcus i dont want them to think of me being nosy.
look how much have i change.
the damage you have brought to me.
i dont know if i can heal.
i dont know if i will ever heal.
what about you?

I wear you a silver crown my honey dew    I wear you those pretty things that buy my heart whenever stars tingle in starry night you as red rose    I wear you a golden crown that never fade my witty poetess l wear you blossom of coweries and bead you are the seaview star that sparkles in our darkness l wear you all wonderful stars even poem duchess and traditional poet. Seaview is family with gorgeous queens never cast a spell on yourself to conform every other things bcus this queens are wealth l honour always.you can only be a maid to them

I am sorry l scared her with my anger and she wept bitterly in pain.    The soul of my blues soaked into water pine I feel really shattered not even hope can rise my spirit again bcus the rain is very much deep. Mother,l want her to reaveal my grief and give me her arms again just for once like it was yesterday when birds sang songs in our laughter.forgive me my holy mother and send her this tears on your table.its all draging me into the wind of death

Whats the sign of that crimson sunset in your eye.whats the significant of that asian tatoo on your neck.       I wanna know bcus l once fell in love with the mumies ever since l visited gizel and several nightmare hunted me with love inspite the fear.so tell me why were you silent in my cry or are you really an angel in disguised

I want to love but nobody wants me.        I want to share but no one is ready to hear me what then is flower growing for or birds in the air bcus l am just shattered like broken glasses. No one to give sunflower and share feelings,nobody to help me carry my heavy heart that is full of stigma.  Solitude is what my life is made of and throbs   I will love any one any where in the world but let me me just discover one red rose in the midsummer and l promise to love you till l transit to where everyone goes

They are inside illusion with selfish pen             They are outside sanity with greedy heart.         They cheat fancy things with imagery eye and dash feelings into the wind. Empty lines surrounding their walls in shallow daze,all poets say hello not even me bcus my spirit is water catch me if you can.you would probably hit the wrong side of all me little poets

Is a master piece of my emotion for you,yes,is a manuscript exposing my character towards you and how ocean is not wide enough to swallow my thoughts bcus this love l feel within our foolish pride is magnificecnt as creek that is the  crest of soulful waterfall not leafs drowing in the rain I want you to paint me inside your life with just once colour and let us have the art of love walls squaring every life A second thought can affect the chemistry of this love that is unspoken but its depends on your choice to make a good outcome

In my heart l felt ur throbs like water drop in the winter so sober the breeze blew from inside and you held me in between linger and staying forever bcus its riping you apart but how love wrapped you up in sudden warms is amazing like sunlight In my heart you died into empty echoes but love made this clarion call that waked up ur spirit again

How fresh your butter hair smells when sunlight glows in wet climate.How soft the bird song feels when coral flowers dance in the wind.                       *** of marigold surrounds our bed and only the perception consumes the air.         The river of love links us to the steam of passion,how your body wraps me up in mazing tickle.oh l am really crazy about the fragrance of our emotional petal as juice your kisses and euen the flourecent of your gazing eye helped me in my daze bcus l dozed off into you for energe How sweet your butter finger lick my passionate sweat like crushed lemon fruits.    You are just pure as black skin my sweet woman and l have found love again in you

Don't . Wanna . Get . Outta . Bed . Bcus . I'm . Too . Strung . Up . Over . You .