I'm mad at God
I've never been mad at him before
Always understanding and patient
I never questioned the purpose of the pain

The purpose of pain
I'm sure there is one
but I am tired
It is the same thing and I find myself trapped in a cycle of insanity
What is the purpose? What is the lesson? What am I missing?

I'm mad at God
Maybe mad is the wrong word
Frustrated. Hurt. Exhausted. Angry.
But not mad.
Its not so much a place of casting blame
but rather "what do you want from me!?"

How much longer will I have to endure?
How much longer will I have to cry out?
When will I see an answer?
You don't play mind games
and yet I am currently unconvinced of this

Unconvinced I have received any sort of healing
only led to believe so
"I don't know" has been a phrase I've said the most

So yes perhaps I am mad at God.
I don't know what else to feel when one is falling apart, even if they are falling into place.
The pain is still the same.

I know there’s
sadness beyond
your laugh and
bright smile

I feel the
brokenness beyond
your kind
gentle embrace

You try to carry
on pretending
and living
in denial

But I see the
pain beyond
your painted
colorful face

©

I’ll never own an aeroplane
But I’ve jumped out of one a dozen times
And felt the freedom of a Meadowlark.

I’m not an expert on French wine
But I’ve been up the Eiffel Tower
And looked out over the City of Lights.

There is no building named for me
But I stood on a scaffold in a burned out cathedral
And saw it as a beginning, and not as the end.

I’ll never wear a giant diamond ring
But I’ve glued sparkling bits of glass
To a thousand hand made things of beauty.

I’ll never walk a long red carpet
Though I have starred in more ‘productions’
Than any actress with gold statues on her shelf.

They’ll never give a dinner just for  me
But I’ve fed hundreds with the best meal of their life
And cleaned up all the dishes afterwards.

I do not need a body guard
But I’ve watched guardsmen stamp their feet
Outside a Palace that looked nothing like a home.

I’ll never write an acceptance speech
But I’ve seen lines I’ve written in print
And read them to various audiences.

I’ll never stand upon the moon
But I’ve seen the Fjords and Hula Girls
And stolen my very own iceberg.

I’ll never be Mother of the Year
With many outstanding Children
But I created perfection once
And she’s my legacy to the world.
                      ljm

I look at you and see what will not be;
I have been waiting an eternity.
The hope has never dwindled, but has grown,
A longing, no, an ache I've never known.

I look at you and see what will not be;
Yet, somehow you're still captive over me.
The shore with ceaseless waves to reminisce,
meanwhile beneath the moon's so distant kiss.

I look at you and see what will not be;
I cannot help myself, so I give in,
allow the cold salvation of your skin,
if only to prolong eternity.

THE THINNESS OF A SHADOW

from the very last time
I saw you
to the story

of your death
unable to comprehend
that you do not exist

you to me
are living
yet

you an early morning
silhouette
looking at clouds

as was your want
a living
breathing entity

every moment
now made more
precious than the last

I hold you so
in thought
refusing to let you go

and so
it is
always so

your footstep
as you
cross the floor

whistling Wish
you were
here

the story
of your death
I refuse to believe in

as if it happened
to a someone else
another Brian...not mine

You stepping through
the door
so full of light

stepping through time
"Come on Bud...
I gotta go!"

your death
the shibboleth
I can not utter

you forever always
this
early morning silhouette