...finally understand now that I never will be far. :)

When you spin off into your self-downer mode,
I have to pull away. Over the years, I have told
you over and over again that they are old messages..
so unfairly placed into you a long time ago by  others
    who in no way are you.
When you repeat those horrendously-dismembering
messages, I have to temporarily go silent..

so not to keep harping on you to stop  that
dead-end-street kind of ****.
At one time it horribly formed and defined you.

You are no longer that same horribly beat down person.
    You just at times think you are.
I am in love with that brain of yours.

I struggle
with the part of it
that still believes its ok
to think that way.

It is not ok to think that way, young Love.. not anymore.
You will struggle with the thoughts wanting to surface
and take control..        how could you not?
They were plunged deeply into you
with such a horrible and contempt-filled violence.
It will continue to take time for the hard-wiring  in you
to become slowly unkinked..   But love does that.

   You already know that also. xoxo

i want
to be
touched
in
a
way
that sends
little
vibrations
down
my
spine

remind
me
again
that
i’m alive

bite into me
like
a piece
of
fruit

taste me

let my
flavor
dribble
down your
chin
and tell me
how
sweet i am

lick
my
lips
to
moisten
them

send me
to the moon

make me see stars

make me
forget
just
for
a moment
that my
sad
little
world
is on fire

i’ll
show you
what’s inside
if you
promise
not to
hide
or cry
or run
or fight

i want
to be
seen
for what
i truly
am
in the light

let your
eyes
set me
free
and we’ll
see
things
together
in a new way
for
the
first time

Sorry, about....

how much  I
completely come--   a l l
              over myself;
the ceiling,  the window-blinds..  

the neighbor's cat..
walking  across the street

every single night, my love.
(true story)

i dream of you
even when i’m awake
fading in
and out
of each day
as they all blend
and blur into one

nothing has been the same
since i first learned your name
and my heart hurts all the time
because i want you so badly
and you’ll never be mine

time stops for me
every now and then
when you pop up
into my life
and give me a reason
to smile again

i don’t want it to end

but it’s not for me
i’m not for it
no, i’m just a pile of ****
and the smiles i wear
always fade away
so quickly

It is me tonight

that will need
to find  release
through ******

Find a quiet place
on the edge of
your bed

and join me

i disgust myself
there is so much
hidden inside
that i hope
will
never be seen
in the light
i don’t want to know
i don’t want to care
i just want to
crumble up
into dust
particles
and disappear
with the air
i want the wind
to carry me away
to another place
where nobody
there
knows my face

maybe then
i can
let my guard
down
and allow myself
to be found
i can admit
to my faults
without immediately
playing it off
as a joke
i can allow my heart
to stop filling up
with doubt
and instead
flood with hope
and beauty,
but nope.

because here’s the thing,
i know that i won’t
because i
hide from all the healing
i hide from my true feelings
i disappear
inside myself
when i find myself
drunk
and reeling

i spent so many
years
and tears
drowning myself
along a stream
of all my fears
and whenever something
beautiful
draws near
i put my head
deep in between
my knees
and wait for
the light and love
to just leave me be
and forget about me
to allow me to just
remain
alone
in my uncomfortable
comfort zone