How many drafts of our lives have we lived before this one?

How many versions of myself did I actually Love?

How many times could I sincerely say I know what Happiness is?

This life has been one of clarity and certainty
I know what Love is and isn’t, of myself and for others
I realize now that Happiness is not a constant, its just not possible
But the moments of cheer and smiles are what that feeling is supposed to be

I believe I’m in one of my final chapters
Perhaps even the epilogue

Whichever it may be, my soul is definitely much closer to peace

I’m looking forward to the final draft

I miss that extra hour,
The one spring took away,
Oh wait, Winter hijacked Spring this year…
:-/

Clarity
Certainty
Truth

The presence of all three can make one feel strong and secure,
But it comes with seeing and knowing realities which are most harsh, cruel and feared,

There is a comfort in having clarity of the mind,
But it comes with seeing both the ugly and beautiful, in its raw purest essence,

There is confidence in certainty,
But it comes along with knowing exactly what actions must take place,
You are then forced into a position of making choices you’d otherwise may have been passive about,

Peace can be found in Truth,
But the truth is not always bright and loving,

There is power in clarity, certainty and truth,
But there is vulnerability that comes along with it,

Having the Strength and Will to protect our vulnerability is the work we have to continually do,
Its foundational, its necessary to live with these elements every day,
Strength and Will,

But lets not dismiss Vulnerability,
Because without Vulnerability, we are not able to feel the best from the worst,
The good from the sad, and the healing from the pain,

Certainty, Clarity and Truth, in its purest acceptance will bring you to a most wondrous place in this life,

Try it....

There is no rest tonight
I sleep… But I do not rest
I dream that you are being eaten from the inside out
When I wake and look into your sunken eyes… Hug your frail body...
I know that MY dream is YOUR reality
There is no rest for you
There is no sleep for you

I dream you are drowning
And even though you grab my arm for me to pull you out
The weight of your heart, tainted blood in your veins, and gathered regrets in your mind are too heavy for us both

But your head remains afloat…allowing you to breathe
So you let me comfort you by holding your hand
And you hold your mouth open…only allowing a sustenance that your mind has tricked you to believe is salvation
But its poison…a twisted substance that tangles itself in your mind, attaching itself to your body…
I remain holding your hand, because in the depths of your sunken eyes, I still see the glimmer of your spirit

I dream that you are being destroyed from the inside out…almost every night
And you are
Your thoughts and emotions are continually triggering and misfiring
Sharp and ricocheting through out your whole being
Destroying you, leaving you aching and in pain
Your solution…to go numb and distract from actually healing

I dream you are choking
And you are,
Pills, Acid
Corroding and dissolving more than just your physical being
Your turmoil becoming sludge
Just wanting to escape from your body
Getting trapped in your lungs and throat as you cry out for help

I dream you are suffocating
And you were
A dark shadow found its way in front and on top of you
A heavy blanket of darkness so dense you had no way to breathe

And somehow, through these dreams and in our waking moments together
You always found a way to extend your arm out, reaching for help
I’d grip your hand tighter and tighter every time
Your grip feeling stronger the every next time

And somehow…your reality began to change, and my dreams…my nightmares began to fade
Somehow… you found your way…back to us …
Away from the grips of your addiction
Closer to love, light and clarity of your life
Your Mind
Your Heart
Your Spirit

Tonight we rest,
Tonight we sleep,
Tonight I know you will actually dream.

You are a shiny cup I found that drew me close, and willingly without measure or restraint I have continually poured myself into you...I'm thirsty now...

Your smiles, love, and presence fuel me,...but it'll be passion filled words, kisses and love making embraces that'll quench me... But you don't pour

Instead of pouring myself into you, I'll drip the drops of desire I hold for you, and ache for from you...then you might know what it is to thirst for more...to thirst for me...

I left you lying in bed this morning
Thinking my shower would wash away the intensity of the night before
Not because I didn’t enjoy the evening
Only because I enjoy each encounter more and more

But your scent penetrates my pores
It burrows under my skin

Unwilling…ok…maybe willing…I’m pulled closer by the strands your gazes rope around me
Slightly tugging
Loosely looped
I exaggerate the stumble into your arms…and fall into your chest
My arms smushing their way inside you with the intent of feeling your heart beat in my hands

But I push you away
You pull away

It’s a silly secret game we play

When no one is looking
But everyone is looking
What will they say?
Does it even matter?
I’m sure they could care less

But I care
And you care
And we don’t admit that we care

Instead, we look away from each others eyes
Because in silence they say so much

Tightly and loosely looped we remain
Scared to bind or commit to a rope instead of these strands

It’s safer this way
And it feels good this way

But for how long?

I have a feeling we’ve done this more than once
Probably a few times because the energy we exchanged as we shook hands jolted me
I took a step back and looked into your eyes for just a moment
Immediately submerged
My soul is taken back to a much older time
Within a second, my heart, my soul, remembered past loves from centuries behind
And they were you
More than once
Trying to get something right each time

I have felt you
Felt this jolt of immediate passion
Drawn to you
Willing to submit

My soul remembers
Remembers your tenderness, mixed with bitterness
Love and anger tangled into a tight knot

My body remembers
Flesh, heat, embrace
It was glorious
A passion to be reckoned with

My mind, it tries so hard to remember
It scrapes at the remnants of what our bodies and souls created
Layers of a history I don’t deny is there
If only
If only I could chip away at that first layer and find out what went wrong so many times
Just to know
To have a chance to make it right in this lifetime

It’s a feeble attempt
But an attempt it was
We shook hands
Shared kisses
Embraced under stars
Traveled distances
Ending up farther away than our last encounter

We continue to breathe and live in the same lifetime
My soul content that it connected with the past
My mind left wondering how many more attempts we will be allowed
My heart happy with remembering, even if for a moment, what passionate love feels like