sometimes we find our best self in the silence. when there’s nothing to listen to expect the sound of our heartbeat, something happens. you find the rhythm of your own thoughts and you stop being so afraid of where those thoughts go. you learn what keeps your hands busy and your mind engaged. we live in a world that insists that you are incomplete in some fundamental way if you aren’t constantly surrounded by other people. and if you ever allow yourself to be alone when you feel lonely, you might start to believe the lie. i like being alone, but i don’t like being lonely. but if you let go of all your expectations for a happy life and simply live, i think you’ll find that being alone isn’t scary or sad at all. there is clarity in the silence. there is hope there too

falling out of love was easy.
all you had to do was make a call,
break a heart,
find someone new.
i guess that’s only if you fall out at all. i guess i'm still waiting for that.
i've been waiting for a while.
longer than it feels and shorter than I tell myself
i have a fear that i’ll be waiting to fall out of love with you when i have canyons in my face from age and broken legs from climbing up this mountain.

you can't tell people that your heart isn't the only thing broken.
bedsides from just being damaged goods, they've heard all your songs before. they're tired of it. "move on, change the station please, this melody is making me carsick. you've had your time to mourn."
everyone had their fair share of breaking. nobody cares.

and no one cares about poetry. no one cares that a poet cries when they think about daffodils or that they feel physical pain in their chest when they think about what wasn't meant to be but it happened anyway.
a poet writes for themselves, and how selfish is that? they consider others only when their chest stops hurting and expectations boil in their brain.

rainy fall nights turn to cold winter mornings so fast if you blink you might miss it
just as quickly the mornings turn to cool spring afternoons
cool evenings turn into warm summer mornings
sometimes it feels like my summer morning will never come
every night is a rainy fall night and every morning is so cold
i know what people are thinking
carry an umbrella, it's so hard to remember an umbrella when the rain is everywhere
the water keeps surrounding me and i don't know how to swim
i used to think that it was always raining, but the drizzle that i used to encounter from time to time would be so much better than the flood i experience every day
i wish i go back to my old self and tell her that things will get worse before they get better
the drizzle will turn into a flood
it will keep you up all night
some days will be clear not a cloud in your mind
these days will be your good days and somehow your mind will convince you that you are getting better
but the next day the flood will return
the sun used to out weigh the flood
treasure the sunny days because they will be gone before you know it

You have dreams of big cities and fancy cars and you are surrounded by beautiful people
But your ship is drowning
You've been on this voyage for 18 years now and you've come farther than you ever thought you would have but you will come up alittle short
Just as always
You have such big dreams but larger deadly habits
The razors won't help you and you know that but
Somewhere in your head you have convinced yourself that if you drain out all your blood you will also drain out all the hate and be lighter than ever and then you can finally make it to shore
But, my dear, the hate is not in your blood it is in your head
You are the captain of this sinking ship but your depression is your first mate
Your depression has been the evil stowaway that has been sleeping in your brain for years now
The hate in your head can be traced back to it
You've spent the last eighteen years trying to track its every move
You've performed countless operation on yourself trying to make yourself better trying to remove your depression
You would have thought you were van gogh trying to paint the perfect smile on your face because you know people say smiles can cure depression but i guess you just didn't try hard enough or maybe you should have ate yellow paint instead
But no matter how you decorate the ship it is still sinking

i guess some would say that its just easier to push the ones you love away, instead of sticking around and watching them leave you instead. but absence is absence and leaving hurts too, because either way someone’s being ripped away from you and i don’t think that dull ache ever truly goes away. we just grow numb to it, become unaware and pretend that breathing isn’t hard. even though it is. even though it kills you sometimes just to take a deep breath because shards of everything broken inside of you never truly go away, they just resemble into something else that you either love or hate and end up poking your lungs when you find someone new, letting you know “oh hey! this is scary!” but the point of this is to say, absence hurts like a ***** no matter how it hits you. and maybe its insensitive to say, but you need to appreciate the people you have right now because you never know when you will run out of what seems like an endless succession of tomorrow’s because everything does come to an end at some point. so please, with everything inside of me, im begging you, make the most out of today. tell everyone you love them, shout it as loud as you can, scream it. im not much of a person for saying i love you unless i truly mean it, but please, gather what’s inside of you and tell them. tell them before its too late, appreciate them, call them, text them, go hangout with them, hold them close because when you have a tomorrow that comes and you lose someone you’ve loved with every fiber of your being, that’s what ***** you up inside. it leaves you broken, so broken you can’t even fathom enough life inside of you to breathe for a while and so you become blue and you kind of fade away into the sky and you go away for a while, you vanish from all that you’ve known because when someone you love is ripped away and you’re forced to say goodbye, it’s kind of like hearing every “i love you” and “i hate you” all at once. it’s deafening, numbing, overwhelming and its not something you come back from easily. and i know it hurts how nothing is promised forever but sometimes there’s solace in that. because that means the bad won’t last forever, this darkness won’t surround you forever, these wounds will not bleed you dry forever. so please, hold onto the things close to you even closer. and love. love with everything you’ve got, love until it makes you ******* bleed and remember, you choose who you bleed for. so when you bleed yourself dry, i hope you can see it in you that it was worth it. i hope the person you bleed for also bleeds for you. i hope that that the person you love, loves you back just as much. i hope your heart heals, and more than anything, i hope you find it in you to love when there isn’t much left. love will save you if you let it. please, let it.

they say the grass grows greener on the other side
but I've been watering myself down day after day
counting calories, running on treadmills for hours,
you know it seems like the only thing I could eat without feeling guilty about myself is a small bowl of nothing
but even that would be too much.
and when I do eat, I eat so much that I'm too full to go on with the day
but that fullness can't fill up the empty void in my head that's supposed to be telling me to love myself
because how can I love myself when the only thing that's ever loved me was a hot pocket in the freezer
and how can I love myself when my dad says people who hurt themselves are crazy but then saw my scars and didn't apologize
and how could I love myself when I was the age of 16, the woman who gave birth to me told me depression is just a phase
and how can I love myself when the first boy I ever loved told me the only way to chase after his heart would have to be on a treadmill
and how am I supposed to love myself when people think that not eating all day is an accomplishment
but who knows maybe the grass is greener on the other side after all

sometimes all the lights seem to bright and everyone seems to be talking too loud
it's like all your lies are painted on the walls in the bedroom
my car is littered with all your empty apologies
sometimes it feels like you're all over me like my bedsheets or other times you're like a ton of bricks on my chest  
I seem to be avoiding empty hallways because it reminds me too much of you
you remind me all too much of unwanted homework
you're like a forgotten assignment, a zero I felt I just didn't deserve
when I was with you it's like a song was on repeat but I would keep missing my favorite part
you remind me of an old letter buried under the bottom of my mattress, just dying to be read
but the lights just seem so bright because now you're not around bringing everyone down