"Just one" I say " wait just three , okay four" I swore I'd stop , "it's okay" I would say " nobody has to know " .

You see it can take one word , an action a sound , to make the gears in your head spin around and around . They can go as slow as a turtle on a hot summers day , wait don't think about summer , summer has to go away.

Summer can never be here , no sun or clear sky because sun means shorts , tank tops , your friends by your side .

" it's just for today , tomorrow will be fine " you tell your friends you're busy " it's okay , they won't ask you why" the voice inside my head has an answer for everything , it tells me how happy that little blade can make me .

" it can bring you to places you know you can enjoy, trust me? I'm sure I've never let you down before "

**** it's hot , I can't take my top off , oh god no not again , I can feel myself sweating , it's at the back of my neck , mocking me, yelling.

I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way , but the blood makes me happy , I never thought blood was beautiful till I saw it dripping out of my own skin , to see gravity pulling it straight to the ground , with it goes my sadness for a little while at least .

You see my daemons  never rest they sleep 2 hours at the most but something inside my head keeps willing me to go .

But summer can't be here , not yet , just stay away , I know if it comes my cuts and scars will be on show , **** what will my parents say , my cousin , my neighbours, **** what about my best friend she asked me if I was okay .

But of course I said no and found comfort in a blade, my body is a canvas ,I just paint it a different way.

I hate beaches on hot days
I hate happy families and their happy dogs
And sandwiches and sandcastles
I hate melted ice cream
I hate sticky hands and sandy knees
And sunburn on pale faces

I hate cloudless skies
I hate the glowing sun and flip flops
And the false hope that things will always be easy
I hate surfing
I hate happy splashes and bright green seaweed
And tiny ***** on rocks

I love beaches on grey mornings
I love cold sand and oval pebbles
And raindrops and leftover beer bottles
I love burnt out cigarettes
I love roaring waves and the wind
And scarves around bruised necks

I love cloudy skies
I love the moon at midnight and the way it offers more truth to the lonely than the burning judgement of the sun
I love the seagulls ugly blare and the screams of the girl with red hair
Who gives herself up to the ocean because she knows nobody else cares

You choose to leave me and that's fine .

I hope I see you soon , well maybe not today , or tomorrow , or even in a year , but eventually you're going to turn up and realise the damage has been done .

It has taken me years of scratching at my skin , opening up my wounds with fresh heartache from another bitter night with another guy, you see it's not considered a one night stand , no , never, it's more of an audition but nobody ever gets a call back.  They made me half believe that for a few hours I was the one they need , but little did they know in reality we both just wanted to be held in another's arms no matter how foreign they felt.

Now all I can do is lay on my bed , fall asleep , hope that dreams of you and I never come to  mind then wake up and do nothing about it .

Veins run like blue rivers
Silent oceans crashing in your body
We sit in blue darkness
Until blue skies rise in July

Blue eyes reflect blue moons
in November
Empty girls in blue ball gowns
Searching for brown or green
Or anything but blue

Mould has grown in the places you used to touch .

Darling what a terrible thing that is.

I was once a rose with so many thorns but have turned into nothing but a fungus , a ****  , nothing but a disaster.

You came to me with your edges so sharp willing to cut off my petals if things got to much .

I let you in and moulded myself around you , my vines intertwined with your limbs trying to make us one.

You never liked the felling of another pressed against you , never quite understood how one could stay in the same place for such a length of time without wanting to expand further and Interrupt another's path.

What you didn't know was I gave you everything , I shed my petals to give you a bed of roses , but it seemed my path wasn't good enough nor my petals bright enough or even my vines intertwined with your limbs enough to make you stay.

So I sit here , as my body withers with nothing but a fungus to keep me warm , I intertwine my body with the mould given and hope that one day you will come back , with your edges not so sharp and sinful and tell me how bright my petals were and how sorry you are for making me nothing more than a notch in your bedpost.