when I began to write
poetry
all those years ago

I was amazed to find
that I even
had a voice.

It was a gift
that I never
hoped for.

I only shared light.

There is too much
darkness.

And then
little by little
I had to write
about the monsters
in the deep.

And my writing
got to be
unrecognizable.

Those couldn't be
my words.

Don't bury me
in a grave
in a big old box
I've known too much
darkness.

And so here I am
trying to balance
injury
with hope for a new future

That may be called
healing.

Did I ever tell you
Why I stopped drinking?
Why I am so terrified
To take a sip alone?
How that one time after class
My heart was broken
And I skipped the glass
And drank straight from the bottle?
How I crumbled into a ball
Under my favorite blanket
My mind screaming through the halls
Fighting off the demons trying to drown me?
Of course I always want to die
That's something I've learned to live with
But never before in my life
Had I known that I could give in.
Yet there I lay crying
Wasted with a racing mind
Begging to give in to dying
But instead I went to sleep.
So when my depression intensifies
And I run to my substances
I am so terrified
So alcohol is the last option.
Because it could be my last decision.

Lately,
I've been stopping hurricanes
The words that build up and rise to the verge of my lips
Right at the edge are my feet
With its winds making my feelings topple over
Break like twigs

Lately,
I've been stopping hurricanes
Everytime I see your silhouette
Slowly walking away
The words want to follow
I feel them knocking on my white bars
Harder each time
Fighting to escape

"I love you"
But no, it's selfish of me
To flood your house
And uproot your daisy filled gardens
So yes,
Lately,
I've learnt how to stop hurricanes