Pulled apart by thought, not horses.
Imagined enemies have become my saviours.
Truth peddlers work for free, liars require restitution.
Free thought is seldom without its price.
I am not always right, even when I am.

Orwellian insight provoking apocalyptic visions of prophetic rodents,
Mammalian entropy divining inconsequential apathy,
Veracity overshadowed by facility,
Empathy vanquished by semblances of narcissistic affliction.
Alacrity a surrogate for hollow accomplishment.
Disturbances are null and frivolous in midweek ennui.

Almost was addicted to the numbness.
All thought and no deed makes pharma rich.
Give me a sunset and a laugh over pills any day.
Want to live there? Go right ahead.
I’ll be over here, smiling after climbing out.

My slippery friend came knocking today.
Sensing my fear yet my unwillingness to yield gives him pause.
My mind is stronger, I am stronger.
Healing is always tougher than surrender, winning is certain.
Two steps back but three forward.
Confused jumble of thoughts like sharks circling,
Waiting for the opportunity to attack.
I drip my blood into the water, daring them to face me.
But the shark is the coward, not me.
I win again today but I may lose tomorrow,
Fighting fists are wrapped, my mind shield fits me now.
I am ready for the good fight at last.
Peace will be my reward.

Voices are screaming,
Heart is hammering,
Skin is sweating,
Lips are trembling,
Limbs are aching with phantom pain,
I think my brain tumour is back again.
Is that the DT’s?
Or is it disease?
Won’t someone listen? Please? Please?
Priceless things, those good friends’ ears.
Wish I’d known that over the years.
Bottled up and seeping out,
Feel the venom while I shout.
Poisoned by my own reticence,
Maybe I need another penance?
Forgiving myself for all the guilt,
Making myself accept the trip.
Relief is temporary, pain is real
I bet you can’t tell what I feel.
Guilt, shame, fear and doubt.
That’s what my poor life was about.
But no more! Says I,
I’d rather die.
Than give in to it, or sit, and sigh.
And now I learn I’m allowed to cry.

Battering wind and rain outside,
They said sunny today, they must’ve lied
Inside, in here, with me and mine,
It’s blistering hot with streaming sunshine.
That’s for today, on a high, exalted.
Yesterday I felt assaulted.
Battered and bruised but never broken.
You’re Damaged are the words misspoken.
Both eyes are open instead of one.
I have my own light, no desire for sun.
I’ll open my door and put out the dark fire,
I welcome you all in to relax and admire,
My new me and my gift to myself,
I’ve taken my happiness down from off my shelf.
I’m holding it now, small and precious.
It’s light and love will refresh us.
Come sit by me, come hold my hand,
Smile with me and the depression be ******.

Is it sadness or depression?
Is it rational worry or anxiety?
Do you know the difference?
Do I know the difference?
Is it a choice?
Then choose.

Trying not to think so much,
To not break the rules and such,
Trying to fit my square in little round holes,
Maybe too late to save our souls.
Trying & trying, always trying,
Keeps me busy but always sighing.
Enigmatic parlance for the used and abused,
Mother’s milk for the lost and confused.
Pity and empathy are opposite things.
Misery and helplessness always brings
The wrong ones, the unbroken and the unhealed and the ******
The unhappy, the sick and those body-slammed.
One more battle and one more fight,
Eventually I’ll tell myself I’m alright.

I find beauty in many places,
Seldom in others’ faces.

What cost these dark days?
What cost these lamenting episodes?
What cost the hours worrying and waiting?
What cost the time spent under covers?

What value the sun?
What value family?
What value in a friend?
What value in love?

Sunshine is free.
Time is relative.
Friends are priceless.
The right Love is eternal.

I feel the crush of whimsical loss,
A torrent of torment flays my soul,
The gravity of attachment pains my hands
Walking through fire-swept brush, I feel nothing.
My heart feels it all, every lance, every sin.
Keep the clown smiling within,
The empathetic attach to my broken frail corpse.
High on a cloud wishing I was still of substance,
Wishing someone had just asked me,
To just accept my malady of the mind,
As a quirk and not the sum of me.

I dreamed of fire, then of ice.
I dreamed the dull blade hack and slice.
I saw a Mother’s face, tears overspilling.
Pleading for heart’s peace, never stilling.
I saw a Father’s disapproval, seemed uncaring.
I know he feels much more, he’s just not sharing.
Heads and hearts are full of strife,
This one’s suffering is not by knife.
Sons' and daughters' lives in full flow,
The dead passed on and rest below.
Old age and pain abated by the joy
Of grandkids at play, new girls and boys.
Suffering is real, understanding is relative,
Thought and memory are the only derivative.
No end in sight, but this life’s not long,
Neither is it only for the strong.
So if you’re feeling weak and tired,
Sit by me, I’ve lit the fire.

Too late? she asked
Too late for, can we talk? He said.
Too late for the talk,
Too late for the words,
Too late for empathy.
Too late to save it.
Too late, just too late.

Too soon? He asked
Too soon, she said.
Too soon for more lies,
Too soon for the truth
Too soon for the return.
Too soon to fix it.
Too soon, but not forever.

Chin lifted off chest this morning,
You only saw the top of my head for weeks.
But I have no apologies, only truths.
Can you handle the truth of it?
Want to climb in here with me for a day?
No?
OK, all is fine. No problems here.
I’ll keep smiling and you keep not caring.
No expectations, no disappointments.
No questions, no lies.
Cry when it’s too late for tears.

Do you see me?
Or are you just looking?
Do your hear me?
Or are you just listening?
Do you feel me?
Or are we just touching?
Do you want me?
Or are you just caught?
Do you want me?
Or do you just need me?

Light head carrying me forward on leaden feet.
Someone else’s body under my clothes today.
This lethargy and this ethereal pain, drags.
Drags me sweating out of sleep,
Drags my brain behind my body.
That smile that looks real on my face,
Still doesn’t touch my eyes.
I’m wearing it so long, who’d know?
Same thoughts turn over and over,
One more day becomes one more hour,
Celebrating pointless little victories.
Torturing me, wearing on me.
Killing me the hard way.
;

I feel extra special down today,
Said some things I needn’t say.
I left it hanging to be forgotten,
Building up inside, turning rotten.

To think I wanted her to leave me.
The only one who actually sees me.
Another excuse to justify my end,
I am for certain going round the bend.

She will forgive me, and forget.
But I don’t have many chances left.
Either in or out, it’s getting serious.
When it started we were both delirious.

Soul mates and the best of friends and lovers
Out in public or under the covers.
Family the cement keeping us together,
Gives us strength to brave the weather.

Today it's raining inside and out,
My mind's full of crippling doubt,
No good within and none without
No open space to scream or shout.

Trapped in here with myself and others
Wish I could explain this to my brothers.
Who rally round and pat my back,
When all I want is two bricks and a sack.

I’m the boy with the quick replies,
I’m the man who’s dead inside.
I’m the boy with the broken tooth,
I’d better learn to shut my mouth.
I’m the lad with the bright red hair,
Getting beat down seems to be fair.
I’m the guy with the biggest fists,
That’s from my Dad, he doesn’t miss.
I’m the guy with the wolfish smile,
From my hooded eyes you should run a mile.
I’m the boy with the nervous stammer,
Such a shake, can’t lift my hammer.
I’m the boy with the pen in hand,
Still trying to learn to be a man.
I’m the man whose cup runneth over,
You stay back there, my former lover.
I’m the man who stands on tables,
She was the woman who wasn’t able.
I’m the old man sitting alone,
No one ever rings my phone.
I’m the boy who should’ve listened.
I’m also the man who’s never missed.
Feed my body and not my mind,
See the shell that’s left behind.

The tornado in my core is spinning me around,
The absence of variety is bringing me down.
The pills, the therapy, the truth isn’t nice,
My torture, unable to take my own advice.
Keep making the same mistakes, time and again.
Deepening the ever expanding stain.
Confusing my beloved with apathy and moods,
Desertion or abandonment, I think I wish she would.
Once more on edge, all good thoughts set sail
Taunting me, baiting me, wanting me to fail.
Against a backdrop of mindless roiling black cloud,
Surely pain like this isn’t allowed?
Always a roundabout, never the swings.
And then today, the tornado wins.

Did I ask for help?
Easy for those out there looking in.
Shame fills my emptiness.
Pride is long lost among the
Apathy. I reek of
Insensible poetry, palms are
Rooted to the shame of it.
;

Fill me up, I’m empty
Fillet me, I’m cooked
Use me, I’m blind
Cook me, I’m basted
**** me, I’m done.
Yell at me, I’m deaf
Ogle me, I’m not pretty
Understand, read between the lines

The trouble isn’t ahead of me,
It’s staring me in the face.
I’m looking blankly past it,
Pretending it doesn’t exist.

It’s come to tempt me over
To the edge of the abyss.
Pills stuck in my throat last time.
I know I’ll not be missed.

I’ve hurt them too many times,
I can’t look in their eyes.
Sadness looks back at me,
And hurt and surprise.

There will be no cry for help,
No suicide note, no guilt.
Just a clumsy pile of clothes and,
The useless piles of tears.

Don’t mourn for me just learn from it.
Go and spill your guts.
Don’t be the coward I turned out to be.
Stand up, be brave, no buts.
;

Monday morning isn’t blue, it’s white.
The little white pill on my desk,
Mocking me; take me, spit me out, who cares.
My senses are dull, my thoughts slow,
This is before the pill kicks in.
Miserable existence, but not the end.
We fight on, this is just imbalance,
It’ll pass, support is there.
If I ever learn how to ask.

I used to think I was broken,
I now know for sure that I am.
There’s not a power on earth to fix me.
Nobody gives a good God-****.
Around me is always darkness and I’m too far gone to fight.

I see nothing out there resembling hope,
No prayer, no words and no light.
The candle burned down and left naught but wick.
All I see is bridge, bottle or rope.
I hope there's someone looking out for me, because,
I’m too far gone to fight.

As I turn this off and hide it from view,
The last person I want to hear from is you.
You’ve lied and cheated and let me down,
You’ve stolen my things again and again.

Don’t bother coming back, we don’t need you,
Take your lies and see now who really wants you.
Maybe the one from the back of the car?
Maybe the other you met in that bar?

Definitely not me, my time and my life,
I’m sure you’ll make another feel the strife.
You’ve had all your chances and burnt all bridges,
Go back under that rock, hide away and forget us.

This cloying, repugnant, invisible disease.
For all these things, leaves it’s mark.
Indelible stains on the heart and mind.
Does it exist at all outside the minds of the afflicted?

Outside looking in, empathy abounds.
This empathy almost impossible unless you are infected.
Words of positive reassurance fall on the blocked ears.
Platitudes flow back from the infected mouth.

Advice and emotional contact mean nothing.
Even from the dearest of friends,
The best of intentions lead nowhere
But to guilt and pain.

Life by numbers,
One for blue… Two for red
Thoughtlessness for its sake
Sympathy but no sign of empathy

Bleakness looking out of intelligent eyes.
Waste of a body,
Waste of skin,
Waste.

Carelessness in your heart,
Makes sadness abound.
A tear in the corner of the unsmiling eye,
That tear’s for me.

Uninspired, even, flat, numb.
Thoughts jumbled, word-hole silent.
Pressure building up behind my eyes,
Screaming only makes me hoarse.
One-word answers to important questions,
Frustration on my wife’s face.
How much can she take?
How much more have I got in me?
How much more can I take?
Will she give up on me, on us?
Will she caress me for the thousandth time?
Tell me it will be alright?
Will she take them and leave me to wallow?
Stay and help or put the boot in?
Leave me nothing but my frightened mind.
Or stay and love me, just love me.
This fragile shell I occupy won’t last much longer.
It’s worn out in thought and deed.
Even I don’t see the value.
I push her away again,
Just hoping she pushes back.

I must get up and take my pills
But I have to dress and go downstairs.
This is a bed day. A head day.

I must get up and eat something
But I haven’t the strength today
I haven’t the will today.

My get up and go got off at the last stop.
I didn’t let it go,
Wasn’t my choice.

This thing’s in control of my every fibre
Head pounding, stomach on fire
But I’m healthy in body not in mind.
A simple decision is taking an hour

This pain in my head,
Keeping me indoors instead.
Invading my dreams,
Brain bursting at the seams.

Focus on one thing,
No, not that sting.
Now I feel I could sing,
Look at my wedding ring.

So lucky to have found a wife,
Amazing she chose to stay in my life.
All the cross-words and strife,
That time I picked up the knife…

Wish I’d stayed in bed
Wish I’d no sore head.
Think I’ll have tea,
Will she make it for me?

I can’t decide today
Do I ask her to stay?
Make them all go away,
This pain is here to stay.

After we talked, she walked.
I stood in silence until my pulse slowed.
I breathed again, could see again.
I made her do it, I wanted out.
Picking up the pieces is easier,
If you don’t get broken in the first place.

Light breaks through the dim day,
Raindrops sound like piano on the skylight window, today.
Lifting me, allowing possibility,
Suffering isn’t all there is. Today.

Piano yesterday was smashing, grinding,
Overbearing, oppressive & weighty.
It was a dry day within and without,
No rain to blame for the blackness.

Storm clouds gather and disperse only in my knowledge,
They’re unseen by many, understood by few,
Almost like a reminder that I’m not free.
Yesterday’s clouds were for me alone.

But today is a good day,
Weather without is bad but more bearable within.
This will pass, it has to.
Enlightenment is not only for the devout.
;

All I know, unknown
All I learned, unlearned
All I believed in, doubted

Fairness is just an empty word
Karma is just a notion
Consequences are relative

Life is life
Make of it or don’t.
Lay your own path

Just don’t ask the poets
They know as much
The Mystery is the reward

There’s an ugly little pinch at the back of my ear,
What did I say exactly, she’s gone for good, I fear.
After the *****, the stagger, the cab,
I found myself on the couch, adding up the tab.

Flashbacks with nightmares of nasty words,
How could I say that to her! I’m no expert with girls.
The beer and the spirits owe me no favours
And when all’s said, they’re all the same flavour.

The flavour is bitterness, regret and despair,
Fuel for the morning after and pulling out hair,
Out of one’s own head for being so thoughtless
Am I pushing myself to a life that’s loveless?

So I’ll say “Never again” and push for the weekend.
But throughout the week, my resolve becomes weakened.
Until Thursday, I’ll give in and go for “a couple”.
Sick of pints by Friday, I’ll go on the doubles.

So again comes Sunday, she’s still with me.
Her pillow is wet and smudged, my throat is dry.
I can’t lose the memory of that pathetic cry.
I did it again, I let the drink win.

But it’s Sunday so I’ll say “Never Again”

Cheer up, he said.
Give yourself a shake, she said.

Take the pills, he said.
Talk to someone, she said.

Stop asking for attention, they said.
Stop putting your drama on Social media, they said.

Stop trying to tell people, they said.
Nobody cares, they said.

Everyone’s depressed, they said.
Everyone’s suffering, they said.

Hide your illness, I heard.
Hide your shame, I heard.
;

I’m not winning, I’m punch drunk.
I’m just waiting for the next disappointment
I keep getting battered, my best defences are weakening,
It’s draining me of all rationale,
The writing is on the wall, I’m going to end it.

I process these thoughts which lead to the bridge for some,
The blade or the pill or the clifftop for others.
But I’m aware, I know my enemy.
It will not defeat me, this most horrible of foes.
I see him in the mirror each day

This charming face belies the monster within,
This self-loathing, destructive ugly thing.
But it only hurts itself, only directs the worst venom inward.
You think what I shouted at you was the worst of it?
You’re crying! You should feel this in here with me.

This cancerous lump of emotion belongs nowhere,
It’s in my head, but not my heart.
Whenever the lights come on I still have that.
I cling to it like a life raft in the storm.
Then the clouds break and I’m free!

I fly so high it’s dizzying, exhilarating, fulfilling!
Until the fall, not like a dream fall,
Slow, almost inch by inch from a great height.
There is no soft landing, just a thud and the darkness
Then it’s Tuesday.
;

Yesterday’s thoughts like white-water crashing
These are fainter today, like a babbling brook
Not quite abated but more still.
Allowing thought and deed to harmonise,
Even for an hour, I’ll take it.

The image of my loved ones etched,
My child, now a woman, forefront always
The absolute best of us personified
Love is the unbreakable bond between us
Come feel, hear the quiet and smile with me.

Blistering white light stabs my eyes,
Ripping me from the velvety blackness of dreamless sleep.
The call of the day beckoning me to rise,
But it’s warm in here,
It’s cosy in here,
Safe in here.

Demons of consciousness waylaid,
Fighting their own private battles.
Their fight is none of my business,
But they make it mine anyway.
Coffee, toilet, shower, teeth and
Now I’m as unready for the day as I’ve ever been.
;

Storms are raging, lightning striking all around.
Ugly faceless beasts, rising up out of nowhere.
All want a piece of me.
I fight alone, I cannot fail, I cannot concede.
I have to fight, the alternative is too… everything.

These are no beasts from a work of fiction.
They’re incorporeal but they are very much alive.
Only I can see them, but I can’t.
I know they’re there.

Anxiety, the first, scratching away at the nape of my neck,
Almost like some taloned spectre,
Cold and slick.
Wants me to scratch,
Wants me to give in.

The Low, the negative, the constant.
Not sadness but the absence of joy,
Nothing has relevance.
Devoid of rational thought,
The Low has won today.

Hopelessness, the last, like a warm duvet on a cold day,
Inviting me to lay down under it,
Inviting me hide my head under the cover and forget all else,
Too easy, there is still life outside the head.

Embrace the chaos,
Storm straight into the fire again,
I refuse to burn; I refuse to lie down,
I refuse to let it win.

This is a good fight and it’s worth fighting.
Too many have lost the fight,
Gave into the pill or the water,
My anchors are in the hearts of my loved ones.

I will survive to fight again tomorrow.
;

Is thought tangible?
Can I pass mine on without committing to paper?
Can I have yours?
Can you see in my eyes I’m broken?
Do you accept I can be fixed?
Will you discard me like a difficult crossword?
Will you complete me?
Will you still love me when this all comes to light?
Will you still love me if I stay in the dark?
Am I beyond repair?
Do I need repair?
Will you fix me?
Can I go on like this?
Will you accept it all?
Or will you pick the things you like & discard the rest?
I’m not lost, I just don’t know where I am.
;