Last summer I was swimming until the cool blue water was running through my veins alike blood that keeps me alive

This summer I'm in a pool of my own tears and to be honest I can't swim

Last summer I was out until the sun said goodnight and the moon came to play, bringing me up into her arms as I was her own

This summer my dog gets out of the house more than I do and it's almost funny because the farthest he can go is the outskirts of the backyard

Last summer I had happiness like I had freckles, sprouted on random days because of sunshine and popsicles

This summer, happiness was a couple minutes of each day that I didn't cry knowing that you weren't in my reach

If only you knew how many times my brain has kept me up and I've wondered whether to go to sleep or not,counting sheep but not to drift away into a slumber,only to stay awake even though my subconscious is repeatedly telling me I should just let them have me. Them being the monsters controlling my every thought and dream,turning them into nightmares at the snap of their fingers and making it seem like my worst reality where the ground falls apart at every step and I have to face you.

If only you knew how much my brain wants me to think of how many ways you're trying to **** me with your words or a knife hidden up your sleeve, and its almost ironic because it must've been the same sleeve that you hid your feelings in,not letting them see the light of day and clenching your teeth as you smiled at me. It also loves to let me know all the times I could think back to when we were friends,trying persistently to find all the ways I could've helped you and helped myself to not be in the situation I am now where the highlight of my day is trying so hardly to go to sleep

If only you knew the amount of hours I've spent taking apart the puzzle of that three year time period in my life and trying to piece it back together correctly but none of the pieces are fitting and it makes me frustrated that I can't find the pieces but then I remember that it's too late and being too late is equal to losing some pieces of the puzzle under your dresser or dining room table.

If only you knew that to me meeting new people is like a test of whether I can trust and talk freely or having to run as fast as I can away into my room where the only thing I have to trust is the Internet connection where I check 20 times a day if you've tried to contact me because my ocd is telling me I need to see if you need me and tell me you made a mistake like in the movies where it's pouring down rain and you'd knock on my door and collapse into my arms telling how much you've missed me like I've missed you.

If only you knew all of these things are because of you.

u know those people that tell the stories about that one person they couldn't get off their mind

they'd say that everything reminded them of that one specific person no matter where they went, what they did

i never thought i'd understand it

i never thought that i'd understand that breathing reminded me of all the times i laughed so hard i couldn't

when i walk, my mind plays our adventures like motion pictures on the big screen. my feet hit the ground and all i can see is when we walked on curbs

every time i courageously put those two ear buds into my ears i can feel myself in that computer chair, clicking away, fighting over which song to play

i understand those people now