Today, like all days before You, I awoke to the sound of deafening silence;
To the solitude and emptiness of my home, my prison; my crumbling cage.
The shackles of hopelessness keep me chained to my bed as I beg my body to sleep and allow me to feel at peace.
With eyes closed I let a gentle breeze carry me out my open window and set me adrift in the dark ocean of space.
I mock gravity as the stars melt to dust and dance and swirl around me.
Gentle beams of moonlight caress my face as I wade waist deep in the Milky Way.
Vega’s passing brought your dazzling soul into my galaxy;
and with arms outstretched you asked me to dance and we waltzed with the moon and sun.
No words could describe the serene euphoria I felt as I laid my head against your chest and we danced to the sound of your heart beating.
I held your hand as we tip-toed through Saturn’s rings and bathed in Neptune’s frozen waters.
I watched in awe as the pigment of your skin changed with all the bouncing colors of Jupiter’s northern lights.
But I could feel the universe begin to melt beneath us as the sun reared its ugly head.
“I don’t want to wake up.” I whispered to you as we sank deeper into the fading abyss.
I study your face with every fibre of my being so that I could engrave its’ likeness onto every cell in my body.
I close my eyes and breathe deeply in an attempt to imprint your aroma onto my lungs.
I reach out to touch your body so I could memorize your every curve and edge.
But my hands could not feel you
My eyes could not make out your shape
And my lungs felt as empty as the void inside my heart.
My soul weeps for the love I’ve yet to meet but miss so dearly.

The universe dissolves beneath us as rapidly as the harsh sunlight pours into my bedroom and I awake, once more, to the sound of deafening silence.

It’s a different world underneath this steeple
Church doors swinging open
To a congregation of cruel people
Black ink on a page tells me I’m evil
Condemning sermons broke my soul
You preach “God is love” yet remain hateful

Without end, my soul screamed from inside
While everything you command of me forced me to lie
You demanded so I tried
But lost the fire in my eyes
With every day that I pretended
Another piece of me died

Your reputation and position no longer matter here
I was never enough for you in those miserable years
Secret journal pages wrinkled by tears
Scribbled confessions in cursive, words you’d never hear
Paranoid that I’d injure your career
My parents and Hell were my two greatest fears

You use smoke and mirrors to hide your pretension
Force feed your religion through cold condescension
Wearing a mask
You put on an act
Then exit stage left
Ignoring your own lesson

Behind closed doors
You wage your secret war
In your church congregation
You’re trusted and adored
But come home with your pride
Lay your costume to the side
Take a break from the lies
Abuse safely hidden from tithe-payers eyes

Your narcissism and contempt
The reigns you pull from making amends
Years of servitude ill-spent
I’ve forgiven but you still resent
Dust covered Bibles and empty prescriptions
Remnants of misery-fueled bad decisions
You study verses on love and acceptance
Never practiced but quoted in sermons

No book or religion is worth the price of a life
My own strength was all that kept me alive
By walking away and breaking all ties
I reignited the fire behind these green eyes

Turn back the clocks
Take me back to that one night
Four dates in, you called me at midnight and told me to look outside
Standing by your car, you asked
me to go on a drive
I was so young and innocent
Just happy to be by your side

Two weeks after that night
We’re official and flying high
A knock at my door, you showed up with a gift bag
I cried at the surprise, a baby blue instax
I went home with you that night
and never once thought to look back

Three weeks later
I said “I love you” for the first time
I was scared it was too soon
Then you kissed me and said it back
That night we danced in your living room
I was clumsy but you held me tight
Whenever I questioned your love
I took my mind back to that night

Two months later
We’re having our first fight
You lost your temper and
I just stayed quiet
You slam the door behind you and go on a long drive
You came home and said, “I’m sorry.”
and I said “We’ll be alright”

Three months later
I’m smoking with you on your front steps
You passed me your lighter
The taste of bourbon on both our breaths
Tears slid down my face
as you told me you missed your ex
Both our broken hearts were aching but
I wouldn’t give up on you yet

Four months later
I’m still trying to make it work
Most days were perfect
but the bad days were just the worst
Cause you never pulled your punches
You never tried to tame your temper
I hid so many bruises
From you unleashing your anger

Five months later
We’re at the theater two days after another fight
That day went so well,
it was your treat for date night
It was the first time you kissed me
out in public, in plain sight
The only time it felt like you were proud to be by my side

But six months later
You dropped me off at my brother’s house
With a hug and a kiss, you said ‘I love you’ and you walked out
I didn’t know it was a kiss goodbye
Didn’t know it was all just a big lie
Cause you called the next day
and you said we’d run out of time

One week later
On the floor in my bathroom
So empty and hopeless
I attempted to make it my tomb
22 years played on rewind
As you crushed my last will to fight
You screamed abuse into the phone
As I attempted to say goodbye

Two hours later
You put the nails in my coffin
I gave you my everything
But you still tossed me out in the end
You were almost the death of me
I tried so hard but I can’t pretend
My universe imploded as a dull knife ripped my skin

A cold hospital bed
Your words swirling in my head
A small bandage bleeding red
I just wanted to be dead

I tried to help you but at what cost?
You weren’t the only thing I lost
My nightmares this day will forever haunt
You put me through hell and just moved on

My life unraveling like thread
I can’t believe this is the end
Every excuse I now rescind
Left alone and hopeless once again

All your promises revoked
Gone like your cigarette smoke
You knew you were my only hope
I had nowhere else to go

All of your abuse,
I loved you so much so I excused
Lasting wounds serve as the proof
I tried to help but what’s the use

Abusers never admit abuse
You can’t keep running from the truth
Your words choked me like a noose
Second best, now I know I was used

Six months later
now I can see you for what you are
New perspective gave me clarity, I should never have let things go that far
I made you too many false excuses cause I didn’t want us to part
But now that your raging storm has passed, I don’t need you
I’m going to reclaim my heart.

-E.