Secret memories
little treasures I keep,
for when the times are tough
or the future is bleak.

A joke that makes you laugh
or when we share something,
splitting it in half.

The first words in a morning,
the last words at night,
the little jump you do
when something gives you a fright.

When things are good, your smile
when things are not, the walks,
sometimes longer than a mile.

Little things are all I can keep.
I never wanted you to weep.
So these memories are all I can keep.

Still leaving
together again, for what felt like forever.
separated by only a door, which left me believing.
I was hoping things would change, I was not clever.
The distance between us had grown.
The nights and days spent secretly talking,
Living and experiencing feelings not my own,
are still leaving, you're still walking.
I loved you. I was scared, but I told you.
You went to Texas, I thought only the best.
I would have begged you to stay if I knew.
You ignored me completely, with feelings repressed.
Every time we talked, you brought him up.
how happy you were, how good he is.
Who was there for you?
For hours and hours, days and nights?
For all of the tears, and fears, and frights?
Who did you tell the horrible truths, and the things that haunt you?
Who loved you first? Who trusted you completely?
Who was there?
I am still here.
Every morning, and every night.
Every dull moment, every time you feel scared.
I am always here. Still here.
Someone who has always been there for you, and wanted the best for you
No matter how much it hurts me.
It hurts me
I still lose sleep.
nights and days, hours and hours
but now for nothing, morning what could have been.
The worst part is, you're thinking of leaving again.
What am I to you?
I know you mean more to me.
Through the best and worst, I think of you.
I could never, ever leave you
Maybe you're stronger than me, or just a better person.
You have known him longer than me.
But is it the same?
You know things about me no one else could know.
I still have your secrets in me.
I love you
I hate what happened
I hate what is happening
You should have just gone
You are only going to hurt everyone else more
You are going to hurt me again
More and more every day
I am stuck on you.
You should go.
please stay.

She is the first thing I think of every day
no matter when or where I wake up.

She is the last thought that haunts the longest and darkest nights
the ones where the moon rises and falls before sleep comes.

She is the reason I am still here.

She is the reason I want to run away.

She is the cause of so much pain, but also the cause of so much joy.

She is wonderful, and beautiful, wise, and kind,
but also horrible, ugly, cruel, and ignorant.

She is my closest friend, confidant, sounding board, and rock.
She is my enemy, a spy, a deceiver, and the first to falter.

She is worth waiting for, when all I want is to move on.
She is the only thing right, in all that is wrong.

She is all I ever wanted, and the very last thing I need.

I should have made the first move.
I was, and still am, a very hesitant person.
I wait until something or someone does something
I react, I don't act.
I live life, like a chess game, where I am losing
doing everything I can to keep my king safe.
There isn't an opponent. I see that now.
I have sat and watched life as a spectator for too long,
letting things come and go.

I didn't make the first move.
I was never going too.
I was too afraid,
of being rejected, of making things weird, hurting you or me,
But I was also afraid that things would go the way I wanted.
I had no idea what was going on, or what to do.

I did love you.
that's the reason I didn't make the first move.
I was truly afraid of what would happen between me and you.

In that car, way later than anyone should be awake,
after you rescued me from home.
It was so cold,
you were falling asleep on me in the backseat of your car.

You asked if I was going to kiss you.
I was.
But I didn't.
much later, you said you were going to kiss me then.
But you didn't.

That next morning, when we laid on the floor of your room,
I knew that I should have done something.
Anything to tell you how I felt.
But you were sad. You said you trusted me.
trusted me because I didn't want anything else.
I didn't say anything.

You were leaving for two weeks.
You came to my room just before you were going to leave.
It was just a hasty hug and a quick goodbye,
your ride was already here.
The second the door closed, reality sank in.
I wanted to run out after you, and tell you how I really felt.
I didn't
I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your friends.

I thought about you constantly when you were gone,
I kept checking my phone to see if you texted or called me.
My heart raced when you did.
I was going to wait until you got back to tell you everything.
I was going to make the first move.
for the first time in my life I was going to act, instead of react.

Then someone else made the first move.
and I have been reacting ever since.

Everything I couldn't deal with.
the pain, and anxiety, fear and dread
over something so large, yet so small.
that almost broke my head.

She knew
Why I wouldn't tell her,
Why I couldn't tell her,

She knew
How I felt.
What I needed to say.
How hard it was for me to just stay.

She knew.
I didn't.
It didn't make it less true.

Every sound
Is nails on a chalkboard
The crunch of chips
The droning of the TV
Barking dogs
Everything
Makes all my muscles tense
So tight
And fills me with anger
At everything
Making me want to scream
At the top of my lungs
Just to get some
Peace and quiet