Monday Night..
After work and dinner
After providing space for big emotions (yours, your sisters and my own)
After working through the mess in my head,
Laundry,
Laundry needs to be done
But you are sleepy and need me to sleep

It's hard for me to be still, to not accomplish the tasks constantly laid out in front of me

but you need me to sleep


So I'll let the laundry sit, forgo the upteenth time I've walked through the house putting **** away today..

You need me to sleep, So I'll sit with you.

I feel like a ghost
Like I’m here but in there, somewhere, hiding
I paint an ugly picture of me all the time that i try to keep clean
But after your truth yesterday,
there is no organizing..
It’s black, moldy.
It’s hideous and unkind,
It’s damaged goods thrown out,
It’s sadness and longing,
disappointment and let downs,
Its lack of security and grounding,
It’s eat or get eaten, it’s alone.

Fragile I guess is an understatement
But I’ve been the one to break you so many times…
I can’t seem to feel your love, I think it missed me as I was trying to clean, organize, survive
- my ****

The hurt, hurt
Our relationship is testimony to that
We should of walked away, so many times, so long ago..
but we’re here still.. crying
Maybe then you’d be a better you, a more whole you with out the added on hurt I’ve caused.

The weight of our past is crushing me
The weight of my actions are hard to look at
The weight of the hypocrisy is real

I keep on trying to clear things out
To reset the foundation beneath
After so many failed attempts,
I don’t think I know how to do that.
Everything thing I seem to use isn’t holding.

I’m scrambling for healing so I don’t lose you, lose us, lose me to this hole.

That’s really me, the damage I’ve done, who I am. What Ive been, a mean, unkind, self centered *****.

I guess I do own a glass house.
Well idk about own, it’s all Ive known.

But these boulders I’ve claimed are here for safe keeping and when I throw them, they take a lot out, but i fear that if I keep that up one day I’ll be homeless.

Cause I’m just a sad girl, in a glass house, who’s learned the art of war..


and unfortunately for you, you love me.

It’s been a tiresome week
Filled with tears and hard talks
But there was progress

It’s been a tiresome week
Filled with lies unveiled
But there was progress

It’s been a tiresome week
With souls laid bare
But there was progress, well at least I thought


It was a tiresome day
Filled with betrayal and more deceit


It erased the progress

It’s said there is a hole inside
and although that maybe true
I feel as though I’m asking to much,  
yet, I really doubt that is true.

Yes there is a hole inside,
I’m patching it up - day by day
But on those days when I’m insecure
I need to be coddled,
then made aware

This hole, yes it lives inside of me
I am not doubting that it’s there
It’s just that it makes your love , Something I wish not to share.

The love I have for this human is by far the sweetest thing to touch my heart.

She is of my womb, of my ansestors and of my guides.

May she never let anyone dim her light, may she dance to the beat of her own drum, may she never lower her voice but scream and kick and make her claim upon this world.

May she be of magic, of the night, of crystals and sage. May she be of courage and rebellion.

May she be of love.

The love I have for this human by far reaches the darkest depths of my soul.

To you,
May I love you, Know you and be proud.


When the mirror yells good morning,            
hydrate
When the job demands more of you, 
      time never stops
When your husband needs his partner,
      be kind
When you fail, you find grace
When your guides move, follow
When your nature calls, answer
When you need to cry, please do
When you need a friend, call
When kindness is an option, take it
When hurt comes, find laughter


I put blessings on blessings upon you,
receive them

I needed you today

It was a hard day
Filled with absolute uncertainty.
I met you with strength,
With love,
With patience.

I calculated numbers.
I ran through scenarios -
All to make sure that our family will survive this run in with an ice berg

I needed you today

I had moments of panic,
Pure meltdown, pure anxiety.
They were kept under the surface
As you were the unsteady ship

We do this dance - it’s marriage -
One holds the storm back while the other  rides the tidal waves

I never mind doing it for you, as some days I am the boat who needs to drift.
But when you were done needing me -

I needed you today.

I never knew that there was great inside of me
I never thought that I was to be heard
I never thought that there were amazing things in-store for me
I never knew that I wasn't loved correctly

No one told me that as you grow up in those streets the gift from them to you is, harm
No one pointed out when it began, this chip
(Truthfully I don't think anyone cared)
No one seemed to notice, I am certain that we all had one.
No one seemed to think it was wrong that bottles, cans, tar, rails and Jane littered counter tops

I never knew that there was great inside of me
I never thought that I was to be heard
I never thought that there were amazing things in-store for me
I never knew that I wasn't loved correctly

...............................................................­........................................................

I know now that I AM GREAT
I know now that what I have to say is valuable
I know now that there are amazing things in-store for me
I know now what it is to be loved  

I now shout that those streets have harm for you
I now shout please look at this instead of running from it                  ( because I care)
I now shout WE ARE ALL BROKEN BUT CAN MEND
I now shout about drug abuse, about alcoholism
I need this to end with me

I know now that I AM GREAT
I know now that what I have to say is valuable
I know now that there are amazing things in-store for me
I know now what it is to be loved

They label this pessimism.
Call me selfish.
I'm both of those things but please, 
add the lip stain.
Let's not forget the judgmental, hypocrite, reneger, unworthy, blasphemy characteristics of me.  
I'm emotionally unstable, overloaded with thoughts.
Run by my heart,
and you could say some what street-smart. See I learned from the stress, the heartaches, the bills left unpaid.
I picked up the cards dealt,
never paying them any mind,
all the while completely unaware what they would leave behind. 
I call this myself, a broken, ambitious *******.  I find comfort here, amongst my demons pride. 
I find comfort in the sorrow of being alone, completely addicted to the negative, low life, hard to reach center, of MY soul. 
I  hesitate to look to the left or to the right, constantly keeping my eye from the light. A whirlpool of hate, anger and black, this list could go on, this list of my mind, this list of me, of what I lack.
See I stand here today with this etched into my heart, but somehow some where, there's always a need to restart.
I can't seem to hold onto it when I find it, I can't seem to take root in the nourishment, into the healthy soil. I know it's there, if I could just take hold.
My dear, I do fear, this will be a fight until I'm old.Be

I was never taught how to manage my sadness, so I run from her nowadays.

She shallows my breath, clouds my mind and slowly changes who stands before you.

See,I was never taught how to manage my sadness.

So when she rears her head demanding to be herd, felt, dealt with... I drink, smoke, take rails or have ***... see, she feels less restrictive when I indulge.

See, I was never taught how To handle my sadness

So now she terrifies me. I was never taught that her waves couldn’t drown me. Suffocate me, pull me under her knees, Her waves, they reach the high heavens.. so typically she terrifies me nowadays.

See I was never taught how to handle my sadness, so I run from her,

Nowadays.