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Deisphorios Jan 2017
I laugh all the time
and I smile with glee,
but my heart never feels truly open and free.
I may look happy, and most times I am,
but I can never forget the sinking feeling within my heart.
It's all inside my head,
the thoughts and the memories
It's a mental issue,
is the only conclusion I have...
No matter how happy I think I am,
i realize that my heart doesn't feel the same

Despite that,
I'm glad I built my walls too high,
too thick to penetrate
Because I don't want my friends to see that,
i don't want to let them know,
what is constantly on my mind...

I've heard people say that I'm as simple as a book,
that my walls are no more than a pitiful snow fort,
and I almost laugh
because they couldn't be more wrong

If my walls were so thin and so meek as to melt under
the heat of the sun,
I would have been figured out long ago

I feel that I am no longer able to carry my own weight
whether it's the weight of my responsibilities or just myself,
i'll never know
I eat slower, much less than what I used too,
finally becoming conscious of that weight
Maybe even trying to lift my physical burden,
in hopes that it will relieve my mental one

I have yet to find answers for myself,
in the **** storm of my head
Is it a real, mental problem?
Perhaps a phase of the teenage mind?
Or am I just... looking for attention...?
i was awoken from a spooky nightmare and wrote this really quick so its probably ****, i might change stuff later
-ashrah
Deisphorios Oct 2016
When even my well rested eyes are always tired,

and I'm asleep more often than I am awake.

When my arms feel heavy and beg to stay still,

and my legs seem unable to carry my own weight.

When my hands are so cold that they have gone numb.

When life is nothing more than a boring, endless cycle,

and there is obviously something wrong with me?


What’s the point of living,


If food has lost its taste?

If I could never understand people to begin with?

*If I have lost the will to live?
this was in my drafts man idk,,,,
i didnt change anything so the grammar and evrythn else is terrible so pls dont mind it
Deisphorios Oct 2016
Something* feels different.
It's something you'd never notice.
Something that you'd never consider to change,
Something that you never thought would change.
Until one day it shifts just enough,
That you're forced to reevaluate yourself,
And you finally realize,
That something is incredibly different.

It occurred surely but gradually.
Comparing yourself from two years ago,
To one year ago,
And even six months ago;
What about you changed?

Normality may be what you felt.
Something inside you that felt normal enough,
Simple enough,
For it to be dismissed as even a thought,
For it to be thought of as nothing.

Normality is what you may call it.
Nothing was out of the ordinary,
This feeling was never there.

But, things change.
It has evolved into something more.
Something that you can no longer dismiss.
But at the same time,
You have no idea what you’re feeling.
You don’t know what to call this.
And you’re confused.
What exactly has changed?

What is it I’m trying to describe to you?
You have no answer, and I have no answer.
I’ve not the slightest idea.
But I’m trying to figure it out for the both of us.
Deisphorios Jun 2016
Physically, I am alone.

During the day,
My father,
mother,
and brother,
all work.

While I am still young,
without a car or a job;
unable to leave the house.

The days feel long,
Paranoia makes it impossible to sleep in,
As it makes it impossible to fall asleep.
“Summer is the perfect time to regulate your sleep schedule!”
That's not what's happening, as much as I may wish.

During the day,
I will draw,
I will write,
I will play music on the stereo so loud that it could be heard from outside,
Just to keep my thoughts from going astray.

It’s no better when my parents get home either,
I still end up avoiding them.
I've never had a close connection with them anyways.

. . .

Mentally, I feel alone.

My parents have never understood me,
Nor have they ever tried.
I know my brother cares,
But I’ve realized that he doesn’t understand either.
I know that my friends care,
And I'm sure that a few of them understand too.
But when they ask me what's wrong...

I have nothing to say.

Maybe there are so many things going wrong that I don't know what to say.

Maybe there is absolutely nothing...

    *Maybe I'm fine...
                                                         ­     
                                                                ­                   Maybe I'm hiding it all...

I feel I'll never truly know,
Maybe I'll even believe in my own lies so much,
that they end up becoming truths.

So...
I'll stay alone,
I honestly don't mind.

It's never bothered me,
I've always been this way,
It's just another year this way.

Loneliness is not always a bad thing,
I feel fine by myself,
Away from others with no expectations.

*I enjoy being alone;
As much as it breaks me down.
c Ashrah
another rant i suppose. that's all this is.
that's all these ever are.
i should really try to branch out one of these days...
and i have many, good friends..
but these thoughts have never left
i thought, maybe if i wrote them down, it would make my thoughts quieter.
  May 2016 Deisphorios
Wyvern Queen
You're so pretty
They're lying
I know

I'm so self confident
No you aren't
I'm almost pompous
I thought you hated yourself

My confidence lies in my appearance
Rarely
But not usually in my actions
You hate everything you do

A persona
        A lie
                                                   A poser, *if you will


Oh, but none of that matters when you say you love yourself
The thoughts are passing
Intrusive
Just a bit of anxiety

I wish you could see how it feels
It's not the normal self hate
Not when you pretend

So surprise, my friends
You're queen is living a lie
And once you've read this
*She'll pretend it never happened
I'm sorry you had to learn this way
Deisphorios May 2016
“How are you able to sleep so much?”
I’m tired, I guess...
“Why do you nap almost everyday?”
I’m trying to forget, I guess...
“Why did you stay up so late?”
It’s quieter at night, I guess...
“Why do you still fall asleep really early sometimes?”
“I don’t want to deal with anything anymore, I guess...
“What do you mean, you didn’t fall asleep last night?”
I was dreading tomorrow, I guess...
“There are a lot of insomniacs out there, be grateful that you can even get sleep.”
I know… i am...
“You need to fix that sleep schedule of yours.”
It’s not that I need to fix it… it's probably just my body knowing when everything’s become too much…

. . .

“Why do you sleep so much?”
I want to, I guess...
“Do you enjoy sleeping a lot?”
… yes
“Has anyone ever asked you that before?”
… no
“What are you trying to achieve by sleeping more?”
I’m trying to forget, to procrastinate, to waste time, to not deal with anything, a lot of things, I guess…
“Why do you keep saying, ‘I guess’?”
I’m unsure of myself, I don't know the exact reasons behind my want for sleep...
“Those answers were pretty... honest.”*
Now that's a first, isn't it?
Again, this didn't turn out like a poem but o well :>
copywrite Ashrah
  Apr 2016 Deisphorios
Skaidrum
...
I like to convince myself that she's a walking solar system.
                                              (One)
­                                                          (It will never be enough;)        
She has the sunken cheek bones of Mercury;
~filthy shadows, caked in crimes~
they forge her face,
oh so well,
and engrave her smile in
stone; the sun
laughs sourly,
and then,
he spits on her.
                              (Two)
                   ­                    (Because sorrow is a sweet thing.)
         She reminds me of Venus the most.
         Her hair is the murmur of violet,
         her beauty, it lingers,
         ~like cigarettes beyond the boundary~
         the cosmos, the constellations, and the milky way.
         She is my dragon princess,
         draped in stars and wounds.
         She bleeds
         the somber color of night.
         She is royal, yet alas
         "The queen didn't come
         without a crumbling castle.

                                                                ­  (Three)
                                            (So take it in, don't hold your breath)
                                                      ­   Beneath the arc of her spine;
                                                         Is where Earth plays
                                                         poker with her bones.
                                                         It's such a shame,
                                                         that her ace is her 'unkempt heart,'
                                                         and she lost it to a pitiful bet,
                                                         with a certain ghost I once knew.
               (Four)
                               (The bottom's all I've found.)
            Her fingers gouge through time's fabric, and her hands
            remind me of Mars;
            Powerful and ******,
            Oblivious to what she's created;
            I'm afraid
            the phantom
            she wishes so dearly to see,
            is only getting hungrier.
(Five)
               (Diamond wings were meant to be torn)
Jupiter is the core of her anxiety,
and she basks in it every day,
never by choice, never by desire.
Muscles and skin of iron and goldenrod,
they carve out our very own Aphrodite,
which is you,
it's always been you.
A rabid angel,
a calamity of chaos,
frothing with  blackened fear.
                                                        ­       (Six)
                              (Spill every flower from your garden of thoughts)
                                             Subtle depression lurks between the
                                             the crooked sea of her ribcage,
                                             it's Saturn smoking rings,
                                             brewin' up the cinders.
                                             ~I reminiscence in the white lace~
                                             of the cobwebs that hold her
                                             heart together.
                                             I've plucked them,
                                             those strings play a mournful
                                             sonata, with her name written all over it.
        (Seven)
                          (Promises bend at every funeral we attend)
              In the graces of her palms we found Uranus,
              like teal teeth
              and whimsical witchcraft,
              I watched her thread magic into this world.
              Her hopes shift-shape into 'nocturnal fairies',
              and 'grim reapers' with broken music boxes.
              She is naïve, but that is
              a trait she needs to survive
              in our world of
              metallic dreams and navy nightmares.
                                                    ­(Eight)
                                       (Rejection is a survivable heartache)
                                                   ­  And so what if her heart reminded me
                                                      of Neptune the most?
                                                      The royal vastness
                                                      of­ blue and ivory;
                                                      ~rip­tides on the walls of her soul~
                                                      I want her to know that ambitions
                                                      l­eave more scars and
                                                      tear more crystal flesh;
                                                      tha­n her polished wishes ever will.  
      (Nine)
                       (Have you ever seen blood and water in love?)
And her lungs,
they remind me of the honesty of Pluto.
So small, and docile,
like an elliptical smile of grey fire.
Would you lay with me a while,
count your unconditional lovers;
like our burnt stars in mason jars?
Struggle is the birth
of the void and the 'rapture'
~Your king and poet will wait for you,
in the radiant abyss of our ink-hearts~
I will guide you to his open arms,
              a hug awaits my dragon princess.


                                                     ­                   He wears the stars for clothes,
                                                      li­ke an outlaw,
among the banks of the universe.
               Where disease can't reach him, or she,
                                          Cancer can't harm you anymore,

                                                       ­          "Not anymore, Belle."
...
Sincerely, Capricorn.
© Copywrite Skaidrum
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