in june I felt the project change
from trying charting all scenarios of your face
to looking to books to blacking out spontaneous lines in found papers
to clearly eventually
be a misneglected omen of your impending collapse.

"I would like to blame this on the weather,"
I said to the sky,
"I would like to stay."


I felt the camera flash stop taking
strobe light moments of our strobe light moments
instead slipped tape recorder in your cereal box
videotaped the tooth brush
ever scraping dead skin while you slept.

I said, "If you wake up I will know nothing."
if you call this a dream, I will shake
and shake.
I said "it is clear now that you are decomposing."
(there's only so much the heart can take.)


stopped thoughts about the bus would hit you
spent time watching the sun through your palm:
little bones will scatter light.
little scars on thumbs.
we are made up only of who puts us back together.
and I could smell the rain.

I said, "It is easier if you stay angry"
I said to the sky.
"I would like to stay."


I put the Starbucks mug on the radiator
ceased to chart your worried looks.
I knew your brow, heavy clouds as you'd undress
but made a scrapbook of frozen dinner clippings
drew a line through where you went that day.

I said, "I want to prove that you meant nothing"
I said to the sky.
"I would like to stay."
I said to the sky.


and then the rain.

spent
went everywhere

Lost
afraid; I went
faster
propelled into an unknown direction
kept going
"**** look at that!"

once found satisfaction
try try try again

a mess: a blur
a loving kind of videotaped ******
a violent *** spur
no idea what I'm looking for
And until I find it
try try try again

try try try
try try try
try try try

it's over.

I am wayworn
run over
self-abused
caught in the length of
her skirt contorting my
body in hope
of releasing
the rabbit trap
videotaped
unresponsive
drugged like a
medication ****

so
please
leave me alone
officer I was stalking
myself in the park
not her
no
never her
because she is
me and I am
no one

It's all that matters you poor ****
Now step away from my gold ring, menace

Nothing makes you feel so
[small and helpless] 
than not having enough change
to buy an outfit 
one that'll show the world you aren't 
passé.
Nothing out there can make you feel so [stupid & less]
Than having to pick the "cheap one"
Forced; *****; 
And then you go home...
You think you've escaped
You turn up a ****** radio
Watch some show you videotaped -
But it still persists. The knowing.
You're nothing and you know it
Day in day out, you, the rabble
Peasant peon misfit,
Nothing makes you feel so 
[tiny & invisible]. 
$$$ is all that matters. 

you, anti-tycoon
you don't have any money
the demon of noon
is coming for you.

My father used to say
Only the special ones succeed
So I sang the loudest
And the music teacher heard me
And I landed the solo.
And my mom videotaped it
And cried the whole way through
And everyone cried
Even me
Especially when I realized
How proud they were
And how happy that made me feel
And those were the days
Of running on the playground
And hitting my head
And being rushed to the nurse
And my father said
Well, that’s what happens
When children play around.

My mother used to say
I was born to be a star
So I sang the loudest
And wrote the fastest
And dreamed the biggest
And wrote a book
And joined the band
And my mother told me
She was my biggest fan.
And she hugged me tight
And told me she was right
And even when the flute gave me a headache
I kept playing
And playing
And playing.

When I was fifteen
I wrote poetry
In the dead of night
Inspired by
Cruel words exchanged below
Fueled by alcohol
And a daughter’s disgust
But sometimes
When I disappeared
Into the black-and-white world
Of pen and parchment
My sister would drag me out
With her new red car
That would later be repossessed
Because mother forgot she had bills
And we would eat ice cream
And never talk about what happened
To anyone who mattered
Because that’s what happens
When children play along
And even though the nights
Kept me awake and kept me
In and out of doctor’s offices
I would just smile and play it off
And kept playing
And playing
And playing.

My father used to say
Life ***** and then you die
And I never believed him
Because he also used to say
We were the only reason
They survived this long
But then one day
In a fit of rage
He leveled his gaze
And told my sister
He would choose her over us
And that was the day
I decided I believed him
So I threw away my book
And I forgot about the flute
And I sang quietly
And I lost my smile
Hidden among the pages
Smeared with running ink
Because I am an adult now
And playing is for children.

Little Miss Muffle
Got into a scuffle
Which ended a terrible mess.

She was beaten and *****
While videotaped
And left in the forest undressed.

Then along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And started to ****** her breast.

But it really went south
When it crawled in her mouth
And its babies burst out of her chest.

For starters I thought it was basically all dating and going out with
a different girl every night, little did I realize I would go to a high school with
like one hundred twenty  girls total. Subtract the seniors who are leaving soon,
and you have around 80 or so, then you subtract the girls who have no interest me in,
even as person and you have maybe forty or so, then you subtract the people who have
no interest in a boyfriend, and maybe if I’m lucky there are twenty five girls who
could have an interest in me.
Yeah needless to say I got that pretty wrong.

Also the speed in which “Yeah she’s cute please ***** off” goes to
“madly in love he wants to insert ****** act that we are supposed to call gross
and sometimes is gross her.” elevates is shocking, now that girl
thought I would do anything for her.
I didn’t realize that middle school would continue, just with people
making out in the hallways.
Trolls and fun sponges slides up to the new guy and look for a mole hill
to make into an impassible mountain range.
Also I just realized that to “ball with us” does not mean play basketball,
and is not something that saying you are “all about that bikelife” is not a way
out, its just I’m really not a fan or wasn’t the biggest fan of the obsession with stats,
I make my bad habits nintendo to avoid things like the rather depressing news
anyway I think “ball with us” means get ****** with us, it took only about
half an hour of thought but I think I got it.
I never thought I would get mildly drunk to avoid racing the next day.
I never thought I would be sixteen and have a grasp of the world that I consider to be
nuanced enough, of course there are still things like red lights mainly just colored lights
that are very much below my age, yet I never would have thought that I would be sixteen
and still have my virginity, my mouth virginity, yeah.
I’ve heard girls talk about me, mainly not “oh my god he is so hot” but more
clueless about who the hell and what ever the hell was said about me
or videotaped,
like so what I listen to a song that was proud to have been current in 2008,
its a good song!
Or that I played Lady Macbeth in a play! I’m ******* proud
to be me! To be state champion (I know so subtle right?)
to have seen the weird wonderful things that I’ve been blessed to have
been part of, to have you as my reader I’m proud that somebody is seeing
this.
I’m not complaining about my life its just I thought
my love life would not be on life support at the age of sixteen.
Though maybe it would ****.

Each day she came to volunteer
In my classroom-10115
Was the day that always ran smoother
Lifting our spirits when she arrived

She pitched in wherever the need was
Above and beyond-no less
From “circle” to water play to puppet shows
Even reaching the bottom pile on my desk

Remember our wonderful yoga class
Showing kids how to do spinal twist
While checking off all she accomplished
From all the many tasks on my list

She videotaped kids doing yoga
Decorated kid art on the wall
She needed a nap after all this
But then off to shop Costcos-our mall

I hope she can hear these accolades
She’s terrific, the greatest, a dear
So thoughtful, dependable and loving-
Please remember to come back next year!

striped naked
videotaped in fear
losing tons of weight just to make it
helpless screams for many years
head dunk in the toilet
deep long ****** slits
numb cells
books covered in “go to hell!”
walking home barefeet
excessive studying until my fingers bleed
photoshopped pictures
nasty rumors
hands tied with wires
clothes set on fire
mouth covered
***** whispers
****** nose
smashed toes
shaving every piece of my hair
getting beaten, grasping for air
soaked lunch
stares by a bunch
overdosed on drugs
lost out on love
hiding bruises with makeup
new owner everyday like a lost pup
trophies thrown on the ground
papers with absurd notes, as I sit at my desk not making a sound
dirt shoved in my throat
as I write this last goodbye note
I remember all the unkind names
slow, freak, ****, sick, *******...it was all so dark
as I’ve already triggered a bullet to the brain so there’s no longer a beat in my heart..

she doesn’t come to school anymore, the girl who called me crazy for my depression
They were all so happy. My mom. My dad. My bestfriend. My mentor. .
“no more therapy sessions”
Ashely, who called my child a curse
is now crying for her child who died just after birth
everyday realizing my pride is destroyed
peter is now receiving dead toys
Adam, who videotaped my cutting
is now framed for overused drugs in jail venting
lily, who caused me ****** big blisters
was caught cheating and is now getting abuse everyday with her scary mother
Rosa, who forced me to walk through glass
is now in a coma from poisonous gas
Tyler, who told everyone, I talk to the wall
now has a patch over his eyeball
Xena, who tied my hands with wires
has watched every piece of her hair burn into fire
Oliver, who locked me in dark rooms
was found dead in the same cold room
Liam, who left notes with mean names in my locker
is now in pain with his ******* leg, as he can no longer play soccer
Lucas, who always left spit on my face leaving me with great grief
is now coming to school everyday with fake teeth
As the list of names goes on who’ll pay the price for making my life hell..