You know, it can get rough sometimes.
Sitting in my room with dark thoughts destroy me sometimes.
I find that I can smile on the outside, talk to people, feel fine,
But what people are receiving is deceiving--
I’m not actually okay.
I feel so outside of myself all the time,
I try to ignore everything but it’s so overwhelming when it takes me hours just to devour my mind,
Climbing like a tower,
When I have no power left,
Just so I can fall asleep.
I can hardly sit in a room full of people--
Even if it’s a steeple full of people--
The place where I should feel most comfortable,
I find myself paranoid,
My thoughts like an endless void,
And all I can think about is what these people must think of me.
“Get over yourself,”
“Be happy,” they say,
But what they don’t know is that I feel like this every day.
Something just seems to get in my way and it chooses to stay,
And no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to push it away.
I try to find the motivation just to speak,
But this weight on my shoulders makes every muscle in my body feel weak.
It’s like my mind is broken,
A word unhead in the dark,
And I’m crying out loud as I can and I’m trying but no sound is coming out of my mouth.
People ask me why I can’t eat when I’m so clearly hungry,
But nothing I say could help them understand what it’s like to be starving but your body can’t stand the taste.
It’s as if the flavor like that razor against your skin
Reminds you of the exact thing you wish you weren’t:
Alive.
And nothing could help them relate to what it’s like to be called a fake--
That it’s all in my head,
Something I can easily mend,
But no one could get what it’s like when insomnia’s your best friend,
A friendship you just want to end,
Just like the pain in your brain
Because nothing is worse than feeling like you’re going insane.
But if there’s anything out of this that can shed some positive light,
It’s the fact that I’m not the only one putting up with this fight.
And though the struggle feels like a war at the core--
A fight not worth fighting for--
It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
And that’s the thing we need to all tell ourselves at night--
When the demons come knocking on our doors
It feels right to just let them in,
But that’s just it:
We can’t let them win.
We need to take a step back,
Step off the tracks,
Just derail from the trail that you’ve been so hopelessly following
Like an embrace from a faceless face that’s telling you
This is what you deserve
When you know deep down you don’t.
You deserve better--
We all do--
Find that hope deep down inside--
And it’s okay if you need help.
Don’t be afraid to reach out or scream out
Or let it out like an inferno that’s been smothered by your
darkness.
But most of all just know that you’re not a burden.
You never were.
And you never will be.
And remind yourself of that especially when you’re withering.
Hold on for a moment longer,
For there is a light at the end of every tunnel,
No matter how long.
It may seem like forever,
But just remember that every day is another step forward--
Another step closer.
