twelve

         If i could write a letter to my twelve your old self, i would mention the pain your about to face, with self loathing and mental health is far worse then the years before. I would mention how when you wake up wipe the sleep from your eyes and read this letter and find two people you loved gone from your life forever. When you leave your plastic car framed bed you will find an empty room in the basement. The first loss is not death but abandenment leaves no answer to the sting a heart can feel when your older sister meant to guide you has ran away.  She has left, and to what you shall soon find out, left you to your death. The second loss has less thought to the idea of why? but still i did cry. It was my great grandmothers time. Her slow pace death lead to suffering till one week to the day after i turned twelve.  Emotional asking questions why, three days later i tightened my silk tie putting on a suit and ending the night seeing the casket of one of you. To think of you as dead eased my head for a while but still have to replace my frown with a fake smile. After all i lost a sister, when i needed someone to talk you were never there. Instead i just found myself cutting and dyeing my hair.  This is the year you feel your fathers strong hand as you tremble below it. This is the year you tremble in fear this is the first year you want to die

Thirteen

      To my thirteen year old self, im sorry life doesnt get better. im sorry that this is year your parents admit they don't care.  Im sorry this is the year you hear the three words no one wants or deserves to know their pain. Even though the words "I hate you" Were uttered in vain. Im sorry no one was there to hold you in there arms, im sorry of how when looked in the mirror every morniing after you showered  telling yourself its a new day and the pain is past. Im so sorry of how you found out how long the pain really lasts. Look at what you have achieved though, this is the year you win first in all categories invited to Kick Canada to again win. You achieve a bronze as a group, silver in your weopons, and gold in kickboxing. With you feeling weighed down your still weightless, with your amazing place and the smile on your face to look in the croud hearing the aplause. Somethings missing though your parents no where to be seen. Im sorry they wernt there to say good job im sorry your dads hand still strikes strong. This is the year you say enough though, you say no and strike back your foe. He stands stunned for a minute and walks away, the bruises faded away from the surface, but inside i still see them.  It is the night of my birthday i fall asleep praying tomorow will bring a better year.

Fourteen

     Im sorry this is not the year it gets better, your father never lays another hand to your dismay doesnt matter for his and your mothers word fly freely. This is the year they make you cry, only to insult you further "your nothing, your trash" there tounges did lash me. Til  i crashed under hate to my untimly fate, your mother is sick and you walk into the room as she slashes the blade across her wrist, you watch her bleed amd scream for help but she pretends u dont exsist she  spends the next year and eight monthes in psycitric care. Left in a house with nothing fair in the air my invitation ti nationals came and past i did not go in fear of leaving my mother would effect her more vast, past her yelling at ke eberyday i walked in the light blue room with the curtains always closed filled with gloom . While my mother on her last heartstrings looked for strength from her groom . Only to be filled with hate she saw me as a reminder he exsists and how he doesnt visit but i did. I walked the long path every **** day to see my mothers face still i wasnt good enough but that is just my luck. It is my last night of this age. The house is empty amd quite but still remains okay just praying thiis new year brings joy to the now broken boy.

Fifteen

     This is not the year it gets better neither, but this os the year your mother is released. It took a week for the smiles to wear away. Then i saw once again the skin tare from her flesh. Soon hate took over the tone under her breath and malace mixed with spite is the only thing left of my mother i once knew. This is the year you once again face death, you and your mother are in a car driving counting breaths singing along to eminem, reciting robert frost. when suddenly a car passes us and my mother is crossed the mid age lady on her phone swirving around, not paying atention to anyone or anything i still see her frown. She ran a stop sighn without a thought hit by a garbage truck in front of our eyes now i know the cost of when her cellphone conversation stopped. This was the first time i watched someone die. Still shocked  my mother had to call the abulence as i and the garbage man saw the damage in case she still did breath. In the end blood filled the scene as me amd the garbage man covered the front window with a sheet to protect what is left of this womens dignity. This is the year you fond a little blue pill that not only eases your pain if snorted aslo goves you a thrill. This is the first year that you almost sucsessfully kil.l... yourself going to sleep for this living hell praying next year could be better aswell.

Sixteen

     This year is a self medicated blur, this is the year you forgot who you were. T3s replaced with perks and shots only to be soon replaced with oxys in your black box crushed and lined one at a time up your nose the powder glides. The first night you try an 80 you overdose nearly comitoce as you spew a frothy white  fluid from your mouth but my freinds saved me to this day i dnt know how called said i passed out and cant drive home so my parents could never figure out how i lay on the tiled floor back from death after this a pill is never again accepted that is your debt 2 days to your birthday that cursid day your sober but that was just babby steps and i promise little soilder babby steps you would not regret.

Seventeen

      This is the year you stopped praying for help thinking you did this to yourself i promise it wasnt you. How could it be your still just in youth. This is the year you watch your father fall. You find the trail of debt 100 thousand dollars owed mine aswell of been a million for we can barely live so how would you like us to pay it back i finfd him stealing money from my backpack. This is the year you find out your dad is the same worth of a rat and you dont have to take his crap. This is the year he snaps and instead you help him back up. He was in achoma five days as you stayed never slept jus sat beside his hospital bed praying this did not mean death. Death came in a different way with your cousin brit stabbed to death by her husband on febuary fith.. this is the year you wished you diddnt exsist.

Eighteen

     This is the year.... you found the courage to see you will always be...good and thats enough for me.

Anyways more of me lol, OK I grew up with a mum and dad good Christian parents though both went off the path!¡ mum is ex. Well still alcoholic but don't drink once addict always one as they say.. I saved her life many times from getting killed .. Me mother is mine soulmate no not sexually. She's mine best friend in this world if I lost her I'd lose me really in a way.. Dad is ex pill addict currently still is. Though he gets quote legal pills for back pain herniated disk) he is part of reason I got into a 22 people drug bust... I was originally charged in drug bust with trafficking oxy  contins meaning ( an felony 2) meaning trafficking in drugs. And got charged with trafficking ******* up to and ounce between two deals I made to a guy who set me up between two Thursdays....I knew this guy from school back in day so you all know.. He wore wire on me. Had police phone I used to call me dealer which police listened and sit right out side me apts.... Anyways I got on probation continued to use drugs was blessed... Those charges I told u were dropped to aggravate
Possession of drugs from the two oxys for me in me pocket... Lawyer knew I did these deals not for money but pills... So yes messed up probation so sent to crc prison for four months than to pickaway prison right across the street which used to be an old army base than in the thirties was a mental ward for people who had demons.... So yeah in prison people could find out I sang... I became the singer of the prison I did their talent shows. I spoke out against gangs killing gangs in there knowing I'd be ridiculed from gangs sitting and watching me but I got respect singing to whole crowd and I got good respect from all people.  Because I believe in loving all people. Not war. Not hate not anger or hate but love conquers all evils.... If humañs would only understand that. Oh more u don't know I also played for the ex mayor at age sixteen for a drug Free thing I use to be in called 3d ironically was a hypocrite using drugs at time . anyways played at ballroom of Toledo art museum in front of a crowd of the mayors.. Also played at  a high school in Cleveland Ohio doing me own music two songs ... There were 350 eyes on me which felt amazing.... And did a show at a private school for girls and boys and had news people from wtol news there in Toledo.... So yes I need to get back into music I miss it alot .?. I've been poet along time can't tell u really how long?!? I can communicate with spirits literally I hear them in me home . I see their orbs . me and mum both. We got pics of them and sound recordings though try to stay away from that *** we don't always know if good or evil demons are coming in... I've been scratched by them... Broke out in rashes from them touching me. Can feel cold from them when their near... Hear them speak in me ear so only I hear or out loud where me and mum hear both *** me and her are in tune spiritually big time... Dad also hears like me and mum footsteps in house or in addict in apt. Yet have Christ to protect me in bad... And when I pray to Christ those DEMON'S leave. They hate christ!!!!!No more natious feeling that they cause no more depression when they leave.... They are real  for u who don't believe.... Also I usualy wear long hair but cut whenever I need to even it up.... I had friends in past yet due to their drug use still they all left me after mine bust showing me not real friends.... So mums me best friend so is many others on here I'm close with .. You have all showed me soo much love I've never felt... God bless u all . I thank u to me soul....I love to cook to.. I also love giving back massages and whole body massages.. I love brushing ones hair to and rubbing their eyes lids temples.... Also with one I love pulling her hair stroking fingers in it to help her relax on back of her head... And massaging her... Using candles to relax her and I love incense.. Sage and Christ is for the demons lol.... But I love cooking for a woman ... And making her a bath to relax... And I am a true hopeless romantic......

Not done more coming wait to see (;

[on the verge of a cry]

Darling penguin,

you've brought me here yet again. whether we writers are on the page of paper, Moleskin, notebook, website, or smartphone, here again you have brought me. Having just lit another cigarette, drinks and drugs and smoke and music are in this place you've brought me with these ***** fingers pounding away into a bluetooth keyboard as the long lonely nights I've taken to find you melted away the keys of my computer ash and burnt plastic have taken to so many letters: H, command, I, R, and D too. I have a fixe and it won't be cured alone. I've been on so many lines and numbers, and I keep trying, and I'll tell you some people might consider these women absolutely marvelous, but to me, they too often prove to be nothing more than the hollow engravings of tales told too often, and where am I with you?

I'm cracking my knuckles again, and it's so ******* hot in here. Morphs, subs, percs, and oxys, pain and agonizing pain. And I'm growing a beard and mustache, very soft hair for you to nestle into when we move into the house in Evanston. I've been touching my lips with these ash stained fingertips drafting your lips upon mine, while the piceous nexus of this cold untouched skin shifts restlessly in the drear and yellow light of another sad and melancholy hour away from my arms around you, abreast and grinning with excitement, contentment, contagious glee. i bring my clean soft fingerds through the strands of aurulent glistening gold hair of yours and press my mouth into the crown of your head, the temples of your face, and your face presses into mine, and it's 1:41am and these eyes wander endlessly around this room ******* down carcinogens and poison, holes in these jeans, black denim tapered cut, your black leather studded cuff around my right wrist and the peace beads a wandering monk granted to me with a gold card and a bow while amassing friends in the herds of people gathered in line to go into Lollapalooza. I am brimming over with excitement, even for the taste of dog feces in the cigarettes(I will brush of course), you are my event horizon, my vessel of light beams, lasers, and the most immense love for which of course more than a dozen different writings attempt to share with others and imbue the world to even come close to the extraordinary magnanimous love and adoration unto the both of us, but between ourselves especially.

Earlier this evening I was speaking to Elizabeth on the propensity of how valuable having a soulmate really is, not to say the words but to know the person, to know you in the full grace and integrity of what that means. I was saying how with you, there is no one or many or anything about you that disturbs me or that I could find gross or that could keep me from wanting to be close to you. That no matter how sick you could get or **** it- what I was saying is that I love you so much I want you to spit in my mouth, smear every part of your body against every inch of my body. I want to smell, taste, touch, and see all of you that there is, to sit again and stand again and stand up and sit down just ******* staring forever in the most beautiful enchanting, ethereal, and beloved face I have ever seen. And if I must I would carry you over molten lava, burning steel, broken glass, but instead I think we ought to go to Half Moon Bay, and while the chill is in the air, and it's just you and me my love, we can dance in the surf and kick the water at each other. Because the continental plates will always be moving, the water will move to grow and surge and swell and turn to clouds and back to raindrops and precipitate life and govern this planet, but I will always be governed by our amatory interconnectedness and how perfervidly passionate and over the top I am and always will be about you. I will give the world to you, so long as I can love you for as long as I live.

It's getting darker,
malice, resentment,
jealousy,
a fruit salad Of youth misfits
from hacker
to packer,
smuggler to rapper,
but what happen was after
Was The economy became a *******

with no fathers to guide it,
cause they already tried this
Now our kids like us could lose an earlier retirement

And I'm tired of it
causing a chain of half *** generation backlash,
so more get thier back thrashed
by their own family while a fat cat

Brings bad luck like a black cat
Filthy rich while some live out of a backpack
And this is me claiming my
two cents so u can tell
The government to tax that

Cuz they Always got us to laugh at
while they get their back scratched
But he gets a happy ending so it's
not just his back scratched

No wonder hes chaffing
and'll probably be chasing penicillin
Cuz itchy And scratchy has nothing to do with cartoons to this vilan

Now the employees the boss
And the boss like ur salads tossed
But we all have to bare a cross
Now my Stomachs all in knots

Cuz Everything's, rush rush
Kiss *** kiss *** blush blush
U wanna move on  up up?
Then find a **** And **** ****

While cancers at us like duck duck
And the goose is getting more then a goose egg
when their goose is cooked

and mother goose told us about 3 political parties not just one
she said
"Three blind mice see how they run"

So while George tells the idiot a story
about the rabbits
The greedy let money make them a savage
while We die slowly from our habits,

Why do we have it,
And To call us mankind is silly
Cuz what mans kind these days really? The one thinking with his wily

to free *****, feelin up a  womans manipulations and call it biology
By staying abreast psychologically
Which is a sociopaths  ideology

now im off of my own topic
Like i provided it just to rob it
Like I went to my bank and boosted the same cash I jus deposited

No wonder Im rich with annoyance
i must have won a lottery
thats how all these things bother me
my community missing comradery

Instead we steal with robbery
slaughterin wuts left of the economy
Like ur ****** coming back again
only this time for ******

Cuz things arnt the way dey outta be. Everything's about novelty
When we need less walk in clinics for addictions, and bad doctoring

Until narcotics flood the street
Someone tell those officering
dealers r those with Scripts 4 oxys
But nice that they're offering

Wut happen to philosophy
Where are all the neo saucrates?
Shooting for monopoly but that cant save u being a ******* obviously  

oh this horror is such comedy
Lately I think i need a lobotomy
good and evil battle within me opposed Im like a walking dichotomy

Now procreations odd to me
flawed To be a double standard like belief of having no right To play god and take life yet its ok to us to play god and make life

It's contradiction is guess
depends on position I guess
2balls to help my two cents express
so this is a requisition I guess

Far from living true freedom but its
Been gone so long who needs em
People say u cant find a trusting person these days..so Y dont u B one

But no, we always need some
Reward or valid reason,
When we already got the biggest...
sharing a home in all seasons

But lately were greatly
crazy, Like oh baby
maybe lately, we fried Our brains chasin the American Dream unsafely

No wonder I sadly dislike myself
And everyone else lately
this is how the world has made me
So u can love me or hate me

But from now, I refuse to allow
Another power to make or break me
I won't follow rules or lemming like fools, I will no longer live safely

Or by a risk management thought
Cause one day well all finally stop
And See that the only real thing
Given to us is each other and not

Valuing it Is like our words and being and heard, Feeling emotion to cry
But still were sick enuf to look in a lovers eye to say I love u as a lie

So don't let them , sell u a high
sell u a dream or sell u heaven
Cuz The ones selling treatment is
usually the same ones producing the weapons

And I tried to spare u this rant
But it just can't be kept in
Something smells badly and sadly
i think its the **** I just stepped in.....

You told me you were crazy,
liked to smoke
mountains of cigarettes.

You told me you craved
massive amounts of whiskey,
you could gulp it all day &
follow with lots of Oxys,
said they took your edge off.

You said you were a crazed *** addict,
loved to do just about anything.

But first, you said
you wanted to be comatose,
had to be numb
before anything started,
'cause that was the only way
you could feel anything.

You said it was payback
for the damage
they'd done to your soul,
for being
forever thirsty
on phony love.

Hes pounding back those Oxys.
Dandelion petals they’re toxic.
Bite down ******* that barbed wire.
So that inside you can feel the fire.
They say don’t take candy from strangers
But it’s Halloween
and I wanna change her.
Candy canes In your stocking
Causing nausea since 1990.
Poppy petals in your hair
Tell me where we landed from there.
Black beauty just busted the door
Her name is Addy.
and she’s taking the floor.
Hey we’ve landed on cloud nine.
Time to see that vanilla sky.
Brought back a couple of moon rocks.
I swear I saw a tic tok clock.
My favorite kind are Kit Kats.
Can’t deny that relapse.
Please get your facts.
No one here stays in tact.
My best friend is Cheshire Cat.
Don’t worry
we’re all mad at that.

A is for ADDICT
I am one by far
B is for *****
Blacked out in a bar.
C is for COPING
My drug dealer's gain
D is for DOPE
Making love to my vein.
E is for EXCESS
Cuz that's how I roll
F is for FIX
My everyday goal.
G is for GRIEF
From the damage I've done
H is for HIT
Can't have just one.
I is for INGEST
Don't matter what
J is for JONESING
So sick in my gut.
K is for KILLING
The dreams I once had
L is for LOUD
That sweet **** in my bag.
M is for MORE
There is never enough
N is for NEEDLES
Man, my arm sure looks rough.
O is for OXYs
Euphoria so fine
P is for PAIN
So I'll hit one more time.
Q is for QUIT
"What are you high?"
R is for RELAPSE
**** can I lie.
S is for STEM
My portal to hell
T is for TRICKS
Oh the things I will sell.
U is for UPPERS
Hate to be down
V is for VICIOUS
That crack that I found.
W is for WITHDRAWAL
"God please please let me die!"
X is for X-TASY
Now I'm no longer shy.
Y is for YES!
I get paid today!
Z is for Zilch
What I accomplished today.

Know I know my ABCs
God please take away this cruel disease.

I haven't gotten high in weeks and I'm starting to feel dope sick again

Or maybe just the normal sick I always felt before you

I mistook your lips for oxys and wonder why they keep biting back at me

The whole world tastes like morphine and I taste like I am suffocating and she tells me all the time

I helped **** my best friend and I am reminded every time he messages me

I'm so ******* sick
I'm shaking

Fear of everything
Fear of nothing
To say I’m on the fence I’d be bluffing
Maybe I should let it go entirely in its fullness
And not have a type to rule with
I wanna break down and cry
If I tried to express it to someone they’d look at me in confusion and wonder why
People see my emotions
Cause I wear them on a sleeve
And one gaze of my eyes makes the notion simple to receive
I hate my self sabotage
No matter how I go about it with my old tactics I try to dodge
It’s so hard to let anyone in
To let anyone know
And the reason I am the way I am now
Cause I never open up which leaves no room to grow
I scared to take next steps but I don’t know how to say
I’m scared to show affection besides just saying I care only to end up feeling a way
I’m terrified to let someone love me let alone like me
I’ll always find a way to **** yo the situation
And then end up with feelings of invalidation
Praying no one walks in to catch me with my head down
And my eyes low which to others is worst than I frown
I wish I brought my sidekick the ones who never let me down
The perks the Xans the oxys the drift me to a place of no sound
No frown
No fervor on the ground
If you could hear a heart break
How loud would you have ached
How SHOOKEn would the surrounding party be out of their state
How would I soothe knowing it’s too late
I’m sick
but you know you knew
The things you think are only in your head
Do become true
As if you could ever be that important
A untypical mess is your assortment
You never give anyone the space you see you any more than difficult
Love to you the creature is mythical

What are you sorry for
Why do you apologize
It’s not like you’ll see me cry
Just the disconnected look in my eyes
Open for all to get it off your chest
In which you’ll never understand my distress
It takes so long to let go what I feel for a person
The more I see you or the more I go without it tends to worsen
Of how I see you and cherish the moment
And think of the moment as if I could own it
Of me being open to you
Of me being vulnerable instead of blue
Of all the time I wish we could spend
But it’s my fault this is in the state it’s in

Here we go again
A cycle that at this point has to be a type of emotional sin
As my sub conscious can’t seem to let go
This the part right here we hate the most
As we say different person same reaction
It hits the most when in the stage of retraction
Myself to blame can’t I control my actions

Self sabotage
In each situation no matter how I dodge
With the invalidation of my feelings
And no one knowing truly how I’m dealing
Because I can’t articulate my words
And speak them in ways that can be simply heard
All I can do is harbor on them
And bring them to the brim
Of what it’s intended to mean
It’s not what it seems
On the fence off the fence
Sometimes in between
I want you but certain things turn me away
Certain things that bring my past at bay
It’s impossible for you to look at me separate from body
And to be in my chest everyone looks at me oddly
But no one understands
And I want you to understand
No one just wants me learn me a person
And the more I try to explain the more the words worsen
Because I know that not the case
Always think of the things you say
The good the bad and how I over think them anyway