Dear Crystal ****,
I loved you
I put so much trust in you
I spent every hour of every day confiding in you
I told you my deepest fears
I let you know how broken i was
and you ******* took advantage of me
You took everything i owned
you stole my family from under me
you robbed me of all my money
We never had a healthy relationship

From the first night i met you
you beat me into a ****** pulp
You made me hate everyone
You turned me into a monster just like you..

You dug your claws into me
You slit my skin with your razors of control
But you just brushed it off and kept destroying me
I tried so many times to leave you
I tried so hard to cut you off
But the attemps just failed

You flooded my mind with thoughts of you
You gave me flashbacks of when we were together
I heard your voice screaming when all i wanted to do was forget about you
You controlled every aspect of my mind
my body
And my life

Then one day i couldnt take it anymore
Your abuse was to muc for me
You had me on my knees begging for a saving grace
I cried
I screamed
I begged god for the light
I wanted to die
I stood on the edge of bridges
I stared at knives and blades
I felt like i couldnt continue with you
and like i definitly count continue without you..

Then one dark august night
God awnsered my prayers
He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me to sleep after so many weeks without closing my eyes
I slept for almost 4 days
Waking only to use the restroom and to shove any food i could find in my face
You slowly left my system

You didnt go peacefully of course
You paniced
You clawed
You begged me not to do this
but i didnt listen

I stayed true to myself
I finally left you...

Things wernt smooth at first
I felt lost
I was confused about everything involving life
I didnt know who i was
I thought i would for sure go running back to you
But i gave it time

I pushed through the hot and cold flashes
Ignored the hallucinations and the fevers
It was pure hell on earth
But the torture was worth every second because leaving you was the best decition i have ever made for myself

Tomarrow is 30 days free from your shackles
Life still is a constant struggle
But honestly
I would not expect any different after breaking free from the cage of satan and into the sunlight of heaven

I now hae so many things to be greatful for
I have a roof over my head
I bed to sleep in thats not jail or a hospital.
I am a cherished member of y family again
I found love unexpectedly with a man who makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth
I have my goals and morals back
I see a future for myself
and most of all..
I am thankful i am breathing because you almost killed me

Someone once said
"Dope heads never quit, they only take extended breaks"
Well, i am proud to say i never am allowing you back into my life

So thank you ****
Even though you shattered every part of my soul
I now have a brand new outlook on life
I also never would have asked my now fiance for a ride home if you had never made me so sick i was in the emergency room
I dont regret you
Because i learned so much about myself and life from you

But now i can finally say...
I ******* hate you and i will never be with you again

Sincerally:
One greatful proud, life loving forever ex tweaker <3

It was the mouths fault
smacking together, flicking sticky
reality onto her collarbone.
Squishing perfectly whole beginnings into soggy afterthoughts
It could have left them alone, yet
silence is failure, and success was all it could talk about

Never reach for a door closing if you
can't handle the pain.
Pinched knuckles inflamed with blame,
stiffly folding in quiet fury
Nails are diva's
rallying strikes when ignored, scratching at patience
always needing attention
All active in the community: grabbing and giving, holding and pushing,
killing and mending, building and breaking.
Thing is, fingerprints only matter in crimes

It's losing pressure. Deflating, collapsing.
Rubbing is hopeless, exams are lazy, blinking is irritating. No focus
Look at her-
                         Can't.
Look her in the eyes-
                         Won't
No focus, no focus, ......no .....fo....
                                      {bare shoulders
                             fingers intertwined
                                              soft...­lips..
                                   broken skateboards
                                              midnigh­t bench talk
                                         sun burns
                                    you're it
                                           you're it
                                                            yo­u're}
                                                          ­                     Not.
Reading makes it worse, table charts said it would continue deteriorating. Always blurred, always squinting.
So much depending, so much waiting. so much, so much, ......so....muc
                                                 ­      {desire
                                                        ­           promises
                                                        ­    hope
                                                       backseat lounging
                                                                ­   hours of music
                                                   October coffee
                                                          ­      I'm ready
                                                           ­             I'm ready
                                                           ­                                    I'm}
                                                           ­                                                    Not.




Never. Stop.
Don't quit, don't go easy.
Committed- following through, following these vines. These promises
Don't underestimate- prove it.
Every day, every day, every.single.day.
                                 but.
                                please.
                   ­              I am,
                                     hurting
                                I trust
                                    and
                   ­             I'm failed
                           I won't let you down
                                   but.
                          Don't take me for granted
                          I am strong, I am strong, I am strong
                                   but.
                          I have moments
Mouth's lie, hand's reach, eye's fade, heart's ache.
Be more than the weakness
I am only human
           but.
I want more

if I could never wake up again, I'd pay a million dollars.
Instead of being in pergatory where the sun shines, and the sky's blue
where people laugh, and smile and yet
for me all I see is the gray against the gray that is my life
the sadness that fills from an everlasting well
to which others quench their fill of their grief or sorrow
only to leave me alone once again.

there is no rock bottom
no ending to the hole that I am falling through
As I fall I see good things, and when I was young
I believed that they meant I was going up
only I realized these were the good things that people left behind
as I descend into nothingness

If I could **** myself I would
Death does not scare me
I see it as a end
an escape
a finale
the last movement. But
that's out of the question.

because there is one thing left to do.
To love someone and be loved with all my heart and soul.
However, that too is out of the question
For who would fall in love with me?

The friends that I cherish I cannot leave because I care about them too muc
The music that I love I care about too much
But the pain and suffering that is acquainted with it
is too much for me to bear.

I imagine the sound of a thousand screeching nails against a chalkboard
or a hundred wailing babies
All I hear is the screaming in my end to quit and give up on this life.
Minute by Minute
Second by second.

All people want in this life is to be understood.
An impossible task for someone like me
For who can understand me?

Until the morning
I will be dreaming of us
And what we will be


Fire in your eyes
Igniting my heart ablaze
I can't turn away


My heart trembling
Like the ground beneath my feet
Call it a heartquake


Dreaming is easy
Being awake...not so muc
My heart aches for you


To say I miss you
Is a vast understatement
I can't seem to breathe


Communication
Something you severely lack
******* cowardice


I opened my heart
Vulnerability *****
I just wanted love


Manifesting peace
To run throughout my being
A broken heart, healed


Healing comes in waves
I'm learning to love again
Better, without you