“I want you to kiss me”
and to my surprise he did
one second I’m giggling
and the next I’m kissing him
“this doesn’t feel real”
I don’t know if that was
because of the tequila
or because I was  
kissing my best friend
either way, we were both breathless
I just wanted to get closer
I just wanted to kiss him more
experience him as he did the same
we were intwined for what felt like hours
I couldn’t believe myself when
I was cuddled in his arms
I kissed his jaw
I had been longing to do that
but it was actually happening
he gently played with my fingers
and lazily dragged his finger tips
up and down my side
“I knew you wanted to get cuddly tonight”
embarrassed that he could see right through me
I buried my face in his chest
“I wish you could’ve had the courage
to do this sober, Linsey”
staring into his deep brown eyes
I managed to say seriously
“I will kiss you when I’m sober. I promise.”
he nodded in agreement
beginning to kiss me again
his hand in my hair
the other trailing up my back
my hand on his jaw
feeling the stubble on his cheek
his tongue and mine
finding each other in the dark
in one fluid motion
he had squeezed me tighter
and laid me on my back
our bodies pressed against each other
he started on my neck
goosebumps lined every part of me
he chuckled, his warm breath hitting my skin
we pulled away and
just grinned at each other
knowing that we had done something
we couldn’t take back
but who would want to?

repeat it over and over
“try”

what you don’t realize is that
I am trying
it may not look like it
but that’s cause I don’t know how

my trying is not good enough
but it’s all I got
so I guess I’m the only one
to blame for how I feel

I’m not good enough
I can’t do this
I’ve never been able to do this
only now has it become necessary
for survival

“you have to try Linsey”
oh ya thank you that helps
it just pushes it further
that I am trying but
I’m just failing

give me something
to hold onto
I need a crutch
even though it’s “unhealthy”

I think this,
this being alone all the time
through no fault but my own
is becoming my biggest enemy
becoming my death