Marsha Lenihan once wrote, "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns all over their body, lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."

I used to cry when I said goodbye to my father after our weekly Tuesday night dinners
I'd play out games of Go fish and Rummy like there was no winner, but I was victorious next
to my daddy.  
His eyes still crinkle in the corners and his smell will always be long car rides with blankets, books on tape, and a wide range of conversations even though he was always late
But I'd weep like he actually just dropped dead every Tuesday night because I was petrified

My small but portly frame would crumple and I would mumble the worries I was too scared to say
I was afraid I'd see my daddy for the last time that day
I thought I had asthma because I was always fat and sometimes choked on the air in my lungs as if it was strangling me but I had my first panic attack in grade three

I was sitting in Mrs. Arlotta's classroom ladida
just like any other story about a schoolday when I was punched in the stomach
with a fist of "I miss my ******* dad"
there was this bully beating the **** out of me with no prologues warning
Just to remind me Despair
is not some abandoned pit people place their pity into
Despair, can be like an earwig, you use hope like tissues to squash out intrusion
but earwigs are smart, experts at delusion
earwigs know where to hide until you go to sleep

Every other weekend I used to sleep at my dads house with his british girlfriend
and his lovely cats and soothing hot tub
and his british girlfriend
and the fireplaces and the tribal music
and the british girlfriend
and the beautiful homemade pond and the greenhouse
and the british girlfriend

I liked roasting marshamallows until their crisp outer layer began to bubble but not for too long for if they fell in the fire there was trouble
Bort are you seriously letting the girl eat sweets tonight, god knows she doesn't need them

I liked riding my bike through Elizabeth park their flower garden was absolutley breathtaking
"you know Haley if you got off your *** more often moving your legs wouldn't be such a chore"

And I loved dinners with freshly picked herbs and seasonal tablecloths tucked in the curbs
"go ahead, have another helping, you're just like your mother, disgusting"

Well Karen I hope I'm like her and I hope she's disgusting
I hope she tasted disgusting on the leftover edges of my fathers lips
when you two were thrusting, could you also taste the hasty goodbyes he tossed like
rubber ducks to a family
waiting in line for him to come home
and waiting and waiting for him to never ******* come home

I loved my dad.
yes despair was everywhere but seeing my dad was like finding religion
if a child could comprehend the task of going to church

Christine Ann Lawson once wrote, " The borderling queen expreiances what therapists call oral greediness.  the desperate hunger of the borderline queen is a kin to the behavior of an infant who had gone too long between feedings.  Starved, frustrated, and beyond the ability to calm or sooth herself, she grabs, flails, wails until the last ****** is planted securely and perhaps too deeply in her mouth.  She coughs, gags, chokes, spits eyeing the elusive breast like a wolf guarding her food.  Similarily, the queen holds onto what is hers taking more than she could use, in case it might be taken away prematurely."

Did my eyes taste sour when you few times you kissed my lids goodnight maybe that's why there wasn't one ******* hour without a glass of wine, another beet, hide your shots of tequila behind the birthday cards I made you.

There was an ache of despair that you wouldn't always be there that when you decided you wanted to participate it was way past the expiration date
I said goodbye to my dad after dinner last night without a second look back, I forgot he could be dead when I was blowing lines to stay alive

Experts say a key symptom of borderling is chronic emptiness
Maybe if things had been different dad, I wouldn't be such a ******* mess
and you would have to pay Connecticutcare less.

it's empty in the valley of your heart {the cave - mumford & sons}
breathing in snowflakes {the a team - ed sheeran}
standing in the dark {standing in the dark - lawson}
on the corner of first and amistad {you found me - the fray}
fading out the light softly saying {shuffle - bombay bicycle club}
life's too short to even care at all {cough syrup - young the giant}
i miss our little talks {little talks - of monsters and men}
now i'm driving round on the boulevard {swim good - frank ocean}
chasing after gold mines crossing the fire lines {between the raindrops - lifehouse}
trying to erase the memory of your face {warzone - the wanted}
but on a wednesday in a cafe i watched it begin again {begin again - taylor swift}
there's nowhere we can hide {demons - imagine dragons}
i'll build you shelter out of the rain {shelter - hedley}
and i will try to fix you {fix you - coldplay}
as long as you love me {as long as you love me - justin bieber}
even if you said i was wrong {perfect - hedley}
one minute i held the key next the walls were closed on me {viva la vida - coldplay}
london calls me a stranger {the city - ed sheeran}
but my shadow days are over {shadow days - john mayer}
nothing's fine i'm torn {torn - natalie imbruglia}
you're no good for me but i want you {diet mountain dew - lana del rey}
you make me feel like i'm intoxicated {intoxicated - the cab}
off last night's whiskey and coke {cold coffee - ed sheeeran}
is there something to believe in {makes me wonder - maroon 5}
i'm lost in the heat of it all {lost - frank ocean}
say what you need to say {say - john mayer}
i'm just waiting for the moment to arrive {gold rush - edd sheeran}
like ships in the night passing me by {ships in the night - mat kearney}
mirror on the wall here we are again {mirror - lil wayne}
but i'm not afraid {not afraid - eminem}
in your eyes i have seen all the feeling and the rain {venice - the lighthouse and the whaler}
you ran away in your sleep {paradise - coldplay}
but i won't give up on us {i won't give up - jason mraz}
like the colors in autumn so bright {red - taylor swift}
i loved you first {loved you first - one direction}
the lingering question kept me up {enchanted - taylor swift}
will your mouth read this truth {little bird - ed sheeran}
i've been loving you for quite some time {stay stay stay - taylor swift}
there's things you need to hear {the heart of life - john mayer}
you don't know how lovely you are {the scientist - coldplay}
i'm in love with you and all your little things {little things - one direction}
i belong with you  {** hey - the lumineers}
you belong with me {you belong with me - taylor swift}
i'm lucky i'm in love with my best friend {lucky - jason mraz feat. colbie caillat}

Brian the cool vinnies bloke


you see brian allan was looking for something to do, to get him from being street trash

and a very nice lady named rowena said why don’t you work for vinnies, and brian said why not

and the next day, he was given an interview with helen, who was the boss at vinnies, and

she thought it would be great to have someone to do the bins and vacuum the floor before the start

and after 4 weeks of being there, brian thought he would like to be santa claus, and had to make uo

a proper reason for doing it, so brian said, i like the idea of giving the kids, who hate shopping with parents

a treat and helen thought she will make gingerbread men, to tickle the childs taste buds a lot,but helen was

in a bind, because i haven’t got a beard and she suggested i spray paint my real beard, but my parents were against that

because it would go against everything that santa stood for, but brian got angry with his parents and told them

that if they spray painted his beard, there will be no smart alek of a kid to pull his beard off, and as brian said that

his father yelled out, THAT’S ENOUGH, thinking i cared nothing about the kids of this city but that offended brian a lot

and made him hit his father, and this got brian really hyped up on being the best santa claus in canberra, and then

when brian explained to helen that it was causing a stir with the family to spray paint the beard, helen decided to

get a fake beard for me to use, and on the first day i played santa, i offered some of the adults gingerbread men

and they said, save them for the kids, and one little girl, who had the same resemblance to my eldest niece, said

i was a fake santa, and the santa at the mall was more real than i was, and some of the vinnies ladies brought their

own grandchildren in to get their gift from santa and i did my first year of santa, despite some smart a lek of a kid

attemptng to pull my beard off, but i was too smart for him, and after christmas was over packed my santa suit away for the first time

and then i met david who did the shoes, and i found him very good to talk too, you see i said when he dies he will be the

shoe shine man in heaven, but he sounded like he hated the idea, and he liked to joke around with stephen and mable and

i vacuumed the floor and then went outside to empty the clothing bin, and i did this all the time, ya know every day, and i had ken and brian

to help me, but brian thought it would be cool to bang on the clothing bin, while i was still in it and i told helen and she said

you should speak up for yourself, because i seem to let people walk all over me, and really i can’t be bullied by this so called brian

character, and then i started something new, you see i thought, it would be nice to to cook lunches 3 days a week at the new mental health

building, called the rainbow and i learnt how to do creative writing as well as meeting the messiah and a man named barry, who was a

really cool poet, sort of reminded me of my father, mainly because of his poem sounding like banjo patterson and henry lawson, and barry

was a lover of fitzroy, and supported the brisbane lions afl club, and i went to the club i do the bbq for, to watch the game with him and

he left before the end of the match and, i continued to go about my merry way, cooking meals at the rainbow and going on trips with the rainbow

having sing-a=longs and one man, warwick, swam 45 km at once and helen got a fire engine and i sat in it, and a star canberra raiders star

came to vinnies and signed a ball for me and my second year of santa claus went well also, i wrote fly burgers also that year, which was

funny and when i read it out, everyone was laughing along with it and they clapped it, and i read out the fact i missed scott macdonald also

and i went to queensland that year also, and when i got in my santa suit, i was visioning i will tell the kids i am an australian santa and instead of

living on the north pole, i lived right here in canberra but my parents who were strict on keeping kids imaginations flowing, hated me disillusioning

the kids minds, you see here is a poem about the aussie santa

ya see g’day mate i am the real santa

i don’t live at the north pole

i live in canberra australia, ya know the hot place, around christmas day

ya see ya know christmas is great as i do my gigs at vinnies

and as a treat i give out gingerbread men and lollies

you see christmas is fun for all ages dudes, yeah it’s fun oh yeah that’s right mate

i hope you don’t do ya santa gig way to ****** late


you see i thought i was given this gig, to bring the cool into santa

and one year i was doing my gig with an orange soda

who loves orange soda, i love orange soda

is it true, oh yeah it’s true ooh ooh ooh oh yeah

and in the following year, i was feeling fine, and my psychiatrist reduced my medication and that pushed me straight to the psych ward, where i thought

i died, and the psych ward was the gate to heaven and that ended the cool vinnies kid reign but i came back and i was more interested talking with david

and doing santa claus and that year i was checking tapes, but that only lasted 5 months, because there were getting more tapes coming in, i couldn’t keep it up

and santa was the thing, and because i was a good worker, suddenly everyone wanted me, but that was because of my manly charm, and helen left and glenn

came in and he had this little jingle, brian brian brian everything is fine, brian brian brian he’s a friend of mine brian brian brian makes the carpet shine?

you see his name is brian brian brian, and glenn sang that song to me every time i did the vacuuming at the shop and then after a few more santa gigs, glenn left and

paul s came in after vinnies had no boss, but i was still santa claus there and paul s was the official photographer for my santa claus gig, and that made me feel cool

and now, i am not santa anymore, but i really enjoyed the attention.

the donkey-drawn cart etches the night with the remnants of a forgotten soberness, and for all those 1930s american sensibilities that spawned al capone and many more pharmacists of lost names more associated with mt. everest and mt. rushmore - a siamese of both heavy baritone drone song and a lotus dance on the windowsill emerges to illuminate over the cloudy night, so at least one fallen star might strike flint-on-flint with this coal heart; but on a sober note, if whiskey tangles words, let the same whiskey allow the orca thought to exhaust the use of words and make entry into the tomb of sleep more pleasant.*

it was shiva on the windowsill bopping along to
the evolution of classical music:
not much drumming in beethoven, is there?
no wonder modern music took to excess drumming
to the point of shunning the winds and the galloping horses
captured with the lazy swing.
but the best beer i ever drank was - franziskaner weissbier...
i tasted a melody of vanilla in it,
then i downed a bottle of whiskey, and as rich girls
selling advice said: alcoholic men are unavailable...
em... we are... but to cats...
i can get the she cat’s attention in her cushion in the corridor
to walk up to me while i walk down the stairs and
when descending start to wear an imaginary niqab,
she then decides to prance along to my twitchy eye comedy
and the stroke...
we’re available alright... but not for self-help therapy sessions
of two rich girls trying to aim at a powerless caesar with
fear of virtue and criticism - i’d allow your disciples to learn
the same mistakes as you before selling them advice
elephant in heels lawson and rayner - i have a french attitude to death...
ah crap **** crème brûlée (è eats the last e.... crem... and û = oo, like
drool - two point connectivity in the u like i dotted to an i to double up,
and the remaining e is missing, added for annoyance when the
é stresses the bull charge) - when will i regain my body without your subjects?!
tomorrow? golf help me, eagle ahoy!
let them the same freedom you had and **** up,
don’t let them **** up with your advice... at £500 a piece that’s
too much of life wasted... let them **** up as you did and stop giving advice
as a business model for you to **** up some more!
out of the two? persia lawson i’d do blindfolded with her mighty thighs.

p.s. as nietzsche suggested, we will only continue our belief in god if this parallels our belief in grammar, and since i've taken advice to do the opposite and bypass the twinned trajectory of god & grammar (=) having instigated my own presence and prevalence to understand these insignia (≠), i de-categorised several words, leaving each use of a word to float in ambiguity where obvious, although by stating this i also managed to conspire against another thing nietzsche said: a thinker who tells us what is thought and the manner in which it is thought? what a *******! well, my redemption comes from the fact that nietzsche prevailed in a belief in grammar to the extent that his writings are aware of linear limitations of an aphoristic narrative, not the geometric complications spinoza favoured.

Wow. I think to myself, its already 10 AM, i really wasted two hours of my life bullshitting on that pathetic website. But, it was nice to feel like i was doing the community a favor. That is, steering them in the wrongful path of someone that isn't myself. Ironically hysterical.
       I log off and shut my laptop as i take a sip of my coffee that was already cold. Ugh. I dump the rest in my kitchen sink and leave the mug there to be washed later. Procrastination at its finest. Reaching my room i search my closet and grab a dusty old t-shirt and a pair of joggers. Tuesdays were cycling days as well as working out at the rec with my buddies.
       Running close to 50 I'm glad to say i stayed in great shape. Most people let themselves go. But not me. Of course, i would rather overpower my trophies, rather victims. Plus, the lean strong type of body attracts the younger woman. They melt away at the thought of a strong older man to care for them. A nurturing man, that is one mask i enjoy. Mainly because it gets me ***. Who can resist?
      I reach into the hall closet and pull out the bag of cat food. Hmm, almost empty. Note to self, buy cat food. Ares , meaning God of war, has been with me for about 2 years now. One late night of me sitting on my back porch i heard meowing in the back of my alley. So tiny and helpless, all wet and covered in mud. I took him in as my own.
        He pretty much keeps to himself, much like me. Perhaps, in such ways i am also like a cat, minus the sleep. Quiet, tends to his own needs, watches from a distance out the window searching for prey. Maybe that's why i keep him around.
        The sun shines bright enough making me squint my eyes all the way to my car. A classic 1969 ZL1 Chevrolet Camaro , V8 engine, up to 500 horsepower perfectly made just for me. Not compared to the camaros nowadays, complete trash if you ask me. Nobody appreciates the classic older culture but of course society changes everyday.
        About 30 minutes from Anytime Fitness, the gym that me and my buddies usually meet up at. Although, today i was attending alone. I had much tension to work out given the anxiety of the search for the killer going national. I had about two hours to spare until our cycling group was going to meet up. Perfect.
                Ah, the smell of sweaty ***** in the men's room, followed by too much of that Axe body spray being thrown around to disguise the smell. Yeah, because that works. They really should invest in some Febreeze if you ask me.
I approach my locker and put my duffel bag away. Really all i need is my water bottle and my pair of favorite headphones.
            Treadmills are the devil. Cardio is the devil in fitness form. But yet i never miss a day. The longest 20 minutes of my life. And that's just the warm up. HA. Continuing with my workout , dripping in sweat, i wonder if i too smell like a dumpster. Leg days are always the easiest for me.
           I approach the locker showers and quickly rinse off the stench. Of course, unlike these men, I engage with body wash and deodorant. Drying off my skin, i sit for a minute and realize i am just going to sweat outside some more once me and the boys hit the trail. How unfortunate. At least i wont smell entirely bad.
      
-----------------------------------------------------------------­--------------------------------
    
                Old Fall River Road , our favorite spot to cycle. Located in the all but famous Rocky Mountain National Park. We all enjoyed it because there was basically no traffic to be bothered by and not many people dared to walk the trail. Of course being 12,000 feet from sea level and a long curvy road with no guard rail to keep you from falling, who would want to? I do enjoy a thrill.
         Parker Anderson and Miles Lawson, two of the best sons of guns i could ever meet. Parker was a real estate agent and actually sold me my house. That's how we met actually. Somehow we bonded over our love of shooting guns at the range, fishing and of course getting drunk. Occasionally every Friday, we head out to any local bar, grab a few brews and just relax. Talking **** and picking up girls, our two best qualities.
           And than there is Miles. He's about 5 years older than me but his features show him younger. Must be ******* nice. He's married with two kids well off in college now. He was a friend of Parker's first before i ever got introduced to him. Overall great guy with a wicked sense of humor. Wicked enough for me.
           Parker approaches me first with a handshake and Miles with a casual nod.
  Parker  -  " Yo, what's up bud? Getting bigger I see."
  Miles -   "Yeah from jacking off I bet" ,as he grins and chuckles.
   Parker - " And? Nothing wrong with that."
     " Alright guys, y'all done? I'm ready to hit this trail." I say. Honestly i just didn't feel the need for gossip. Keeping up with my mask of a social life was tougher than people make it seem.
    Miles " Yeah yeah just don't want me ******' on you. Alright let's go, my wife wants me home in time for dinner at five. Who the **** has dinner so early? I'm going to be hungry within the next two hours."
    Me-    " Bro, you're literally always eating. I don't know how it hasn't caught up to you."
    Parker - " OK boys, enough chit chat. Let'***** it."

        We really should have thought this through. Colorado weather was roughly in the 60's nearing this time of year, but man that sun sure was something. Cycling our way up the trail gave us a moment of pure silence.
Building our stamina all the way to the top and then resting for a few gulps of water.
     " Nobody should have to do cardio more than twice a week, let alone twice a day."
      Parker - " Twice? Who you running from? The cops?"
      Miles - " Yeah right, i bet the cops would be running from him."
Well, they got that right. Either way made sense , but i just grinned.
  " I worked out right before i came to meet up with you guys. How you think I look this good? Not everyone can appear so young like Miles."
   Miles - " Jealous *******."

        We continue cycling down the path and finally reach the end after about two long hours.
       "****, I don't know about y'all but I'm burnt."
      Miles - " Oh **** me, its already 4:25, at this point and all this traffic I'm cutting it close."
   Parker - " Tight leash, huh?"
      Miles - " My wife is always on my *** about something. Says I'm always out with y'all and not home. Clingy as ****."
" You know you remind me why i never did the whole married life scheme. Too much drama. And for what? Love?"
     Parker - " Ay, I still believe in love after all it's worth."
     Miles - " Well yeah, don't get me wrong I love her. Can't live without her, but **** does she get on my nerves."
     Ah, love. I experienced it once. I was in my early 20's , still fresh meat in the military, and met her when i was stationed in some tiny town up in Texas. She was the most gorgeous girl I ever laid eyes on. Met her at bar , actually. Can you believe she had the nerve to come up to me and introduce herself? I was in shock. Love at first sight.
      Of course , everything comes to and end and i was already being transferred to a different location. I had offered her to come with me and she declined. Said her life was here and she didn't want to be traveling around. She wanted stability and to be settled down. She didn't want me. I was devastated and left without saying goodbye. Last time i ever felt love.
       We continued to walk our bikes to the cars, on account of more traffic and civilians crowding it up.
        Miles - " Alright guys, I'm already late so catch up with you later."
Parker looks at me. " Okay, what do you say, wanna grab some brews?"
" Nah, let'***** it on Friday. Your boy needs to rest. This old age ain't no joke."
He rolls his eyes at me. " I guess. Just hit me up." And he climbs into his mustang and jets off.
  
        Once I reached my house I quickly jumped in the shower, AGAIN. I heat up some leftover chicken from the other night and turn on the news.
            *" Local news authorities report the release of the suspected custody, Dave Anderson. According to his lawyers, he was released based on insufficient evidence. This means in fact that the Woods-bury killer is still out there. We advise you to stay safe and indoors. If you have any leads please feel free to call our hotline 1-800-1111. " *
      ****, i knew he would be released sooner or later. That just means the police are searching for the real killer. Me. Although, I wouldn't call myself a killer. I put people out of their misery. I save people who need it. If only they'd understand and let it go. After all , it was only 5 bodies. Might just make it six so i can have someone to pin it on.
        Killing is bad. Don't do it. What kinda monster could you be? Yet, people **** animals everyday with their famous hunting ritual. That goes unnoticed. We are carnivores, meaning we are hunters.
          Explain the difference between humans and animals and only one I can find is that we are 'civilized'. Ha. Civilization is some kind of simulation brought onto humans thinking we have some sort of control over our lives. Control. Authority has played a big part in my life, since i was in diapers.
     Parents tend to have control of their offspring. Until, the child reaches a certain peak that spirals into denying the control. Losing the main dominance in such a relationship causes arguments and such. I, on the other hand, followed my parents control. I knew my position and i played it quite well.
     On my 18th birthday, both my parents ended up passing away. Murdered while i was away with friends. Adulthood had an all new meaning. If this meant losing your parents, so be it. I needed structure but i knew i couldn't find it at college.
       Hello marines. I left with no chance to grieve. I grew into the person I became today.Being in the war so young taught me great value of certain things. I had nothing to lose except my innocence. I had control. Kills became that much easier. Fun, even. 20 years of living life on edge and I ******* loved it.
       Once i got out, the urge was still there. Festering inside of me.
I had to find a way to **** it, but the only way I knew was killing. Thus, hello Woods-Bury killer. Aka , me.

I sense life’s precarious balance    hushed
Stilled    moving to the negative
Our aging rusty colored companion
Lying camouflaged on his brown tattered rug snug
In front of the warmth of the fireplace
Appears uncommonly restless
The living room Kmart clock    a
Plastic cheapness hanging between two white candles
Gives a strike    a moment today or tomorrow

It is bloodless white mid-morning the dog with a start
Throws head back making tags ring letting loose a feeble howl
Our bodies give a quick convulsive ****.
Innate fear acknowledges.
Coming distant its portentous screams shatters    sneaks
Into being     matter of factly taking sway of our simple lives
We sit in coated silence awaiting the
Arrival.

Defeated we stand
Early frost beneath the skeletal body of the silver maple
Grey shapes emanate from the silent visitor
Take form holding her brown corduroys and red sweater

Mom is pushed by unseen hand to her kness
Head bowed no sound
Her only movement hysteria of shoulders.
The tree bark softens allowing dad’s right hand
His face bathed in earthly blood
Gazes upward      my eyes follow up through the maple
Autumn bared     the stars shine beyond the naked limbs.

“Mr. Lawson, we found this underwear along with the clothes in the trunk of a parked car out on Bell Road close to the pond. We’re going to get some more men out there to drag it.”

The underwear was stained with blood.

The family huddles around the fire in the sanctuary of home
As the nets sieve the frigid waters of the silent pond.

Darby jumps up onto dad’s lap
His hand unknowing strokes the
Reddish fur    his eyes as the dogs
Shut to offerings given
Mom sits in the kitchen on the
Edge of a wicker back chair
Taken from grandma’s house
She is holding sister’s white tennis
Shoes against her chest
Rocking back forth back forth
I stand with my left arm crooked
Around the back of her neck
Remembering we once went fishing
At the pond on Bell Road
The hand strokes her heavy black hair

Out the window first light
Shows the tree line of the ridge
The net is empty

Mom is done
She get’s up to brew more coffee
While dad and I go outside to sit on the grey flaking
Front porch and confront the passive morning
Absently I read the comics
Dad lights up a Lucky Strike
The smoke issuing from the mouth
And nose coalesces with that rising from the water
Laden grass     he looks at me
I put down the paper   helpless in the
Company of his pain
Flipping the **** onto the newly graveled driveway
He stands   releasing me
It is still
We listen silently to the lone ringing
From the bell tower of Corinth Church
Up on the hill beckoning the people to
Worship the Methodist brand of God.

Somehow I knew
Dad walks   then runs   toward an old woman
Coming from around the corner from
Behind the woods   she is stumbling
Along the roadside as if drunk or lost
The old woman begins to turn away but – doesn’t
Dad picks her up cradling her as an infant
He slowly walks toward the house
The silence of the bell a muted scream

She is covered in an old grey granny dress
Imprinted with small purple and yellow flowers
Her bare feet are bleeding

After the others had their fun
One of the six
A middle aged man
Had taken her to a dilapidated barn
With **** skins spread eagle on the walls
While moving the sharp edge of a fish cleaning
Knife up down up down between her labial lips
He offered “Cry and holler all you want! You have no home to go back to.
We burned it! Burned it straight to the ground with your precious
Family inside.”

After his play the man took her to
His grandmother’s house up on Ridgeview Road
Just a couple of miles from ours
The old woman looked upon her nakedness and
With the dress   blessed her.
From the vacuous room a whispered
“Jesus Forgive Us “was heard.

PREACHER MAN

What  use is of a sound?
Which fails to marry the dancer step
What good is of a song
Which does not appeal to the ear
What good is a sermon
Which does not remind man of empyrean

A singer is as good as his song
A preacher is as good as his sermon
But what good use is both him and his handwork
When they are egregious
With no iota of morality

Sermon that is mendacious
Therefore, preach me no more your sermon of insanity
Because when you preach it
I see lugubrious faces of men of my race
Because when you preach it
I see deluge of blood of slaughtered men of my nation
Because when you preach it
I hear the wailing of the native of the street

Preach me not the sermon of democracy
Also when you ring the gingle of your sermon into my hearing
The death of justice and truth
Rings in chambers of my mind

Preach me not the sermon of democracy
When it is kakistocracy
Preach me not the sermon of bravery
When they are never seen

Preacher man
Preach me not your sermon
Until it is innoxious

By
Ayodeji Lawson lawmyk
©2018

GENOCIDE
.
The Thunder stuck
Pillars got hurt
Dreams got blunt
Wishes ceased to come
.
The fire started
The house got burnt
The fire sang the lullaby
The flames danced to it, the steps of ballet
Suddenly, it changed
The skin of our aged wall
What is this again?
.
A strange boot broke the door latch
"Who is there?"we asked,
A dumb being answered
in a primitive language
"Who are you?"
This was my question
But hard knocks gave me answers
.
Bad thoughts ran into my skull
But I ward them off with a slap
"It's not my turn"I said,
.
Spirits dying
Hands trembled
Words remained unvoiced
Actions ceased to be done
Leaves remained impotent
Strong men hid under their women
At the sight of  the beings
Who are not humans
They are around
Those two legged rodents
Who disturbs our farms
with their four legged wards
Those who defiled
Our old lady
Sons of Eli
The Elder brother driving the nay-tion's truck
The younger one planting nails on its routes
.
They have traded
their one plank flocking bridge
With the American deadly sticks
They let out a boom
On an innocent soul
He raised a hand as if to bless
He immediately dropped it violently
and let his eyes  Opened
The man died!
.
The earth refused to accommodate us
It protest
When the diggers kisses it
We wept
Our tears flows to the stream
And it rejects them swiftly
And the dirge turns to our anthem
Our ancestors clasp their hands
And watch us die
.
Lo!
A major fragment of the globe is dying
They just committed a genocide
.
By
Ayodeji Lawson lawmyk
.©2018

When I return,
I'm running.
Running home,
I'm running.

Home to where the tan sand lays,
beaten by the waves that just want
        to stay.
Home to where we sail
till Lawson becomes a snail,

so small and so unnoticed,
like the little town covered in tourists.
Boston to my right,
and Gloucester in sight.

We tell stories around the flames,
put the passing train in shame.
Looking up at the floating embers
as they become stars to remember.

Lighting up the harbor, rock by rock,
keep the candle going with all your
        luck.
The Luminaria will make you gasp,
the little town is hard to grasp.

So little with so much beauty,
my little town is an opportunity.
Art by hand
and art by land.

When I return,
I'm running.
Running home,
I'm running.

I'm up for grabs
But you would never grab
You hold me knowing that I can't be held,
And knowing that to hold is not to have.

-JonArno Lawson

***** AND GOMORRAH

A perverted city
Whose occupants
Unseats the natural order
Wonderful city of mysteries
Where truth smells martyr
And falsehood wallow in legitimatecy

A *****
Where sodomites *******
Hookers bookers
We find solace in our deeds

Smokes from hose
Fills thé house
Yet we call on the lord of host
So in empyrean we might get a post

Skulls as Cups
Bloods as wines
Sacked bills
Paralysed our conscience
We never got to understand
The temporality of the temporal

Our city,
The euphoriant
Which makes the ticket of empyrean
Slipped away from our palms
In the temporal space
We will rest but not in peace
we are sodomites
Forever we will be

By
LAWSON À MICHAEL

A perverted city
Whose occupants
Unseats the natural order
Wonderful city of mysteries
Where truth smells martyr
And falsehood wallow in legitimatecy

A *****
Where sodomites *******
We found solace in our deeds
But the opportunity of the second phase eludes us

Skulls as Cups
Bloods as wines
Our existence grace dwindle
We never got to understand
The temporality of the temporal

Our city,
The euphoriant
Which makes the ticket of empyrean
Slipped away from our palms
In the temporal space
We will rest but not in peace
Because we are sodomites


By

Michael A Lawson

THE SEED OF TALENT

.The mustard seed
Fell on the thorny part
It found it death

.The winter marƙed its funeral
The summer
markeɗ it resurrection
Now green has becomes it hue

.The amorphous unrefined pebble
Has wiggled leisurely
To the workroom of the goldsmith
He has made
the iron passed it's aggression on it
And it ***** ***** has turned golden

.The one quarter of the talent
Has found its way
to the care of a productive servant
Riches has he made from a little talent


.Green has it becomes
The mustard seed of talent
Golden has it become
The amorphous pebble Of divine gift
Riches has he made
From the little talent

By
Ayodeji Lawson lawmyk
©2018

DARK DAYS

If Only,
I could mute the tick of the clock
And give it's hands a moment of respite
I will go gaga in the joy of doing so

If only,
the craft can take me back
Back to the dark days
when skins compliments care
I will surely pay my
driver a million dollar

If only,
Those days could be my messenger
I will give it a job to
peep into its successors
A microscope I will get for it
Because I know
Tears of agony will run down it's cheeks
That it's tomorrow has made us fail it

If only,
The sun could standstill
And tomorrow refuse to come
We will be glad to be young forever

Surely,
they have gone into obscurity
Days that comes with joy
Have in your amorphous minds
That the souls in your tomorrow has failed you
But yet
They Awaits your return
In the second phase


By
LAWSON A MICHAEL
©2018

GOOD MORNING. DEVIL

Your eyes you close oh saucy sun
You oceans our first sons are gone with you
The frith we called our abode
Its the patheon of the seven headed viper

The morning comes with tearful noise
Hands journeyed to north, and legs to south
Heads rolls from the cut of an invisible axe
Its the death of devoted worshippers

What path have we troden?
Who called our master an impotent?
Where is the entrance to the forgone shrine?

We are mortals
Who believes in our immortals
In Our finest robe we danced to their dirge
We have God but seeks gods
We have chosen this path, and forever we will be theirs

Esu bear us witness, we rejoiced when you descended
But in the ides of march
In your house we paid tributes
But here we are with tribulations
Today of all days
You sit with your neck to the sky
Staring at us, with palms on cheeks

Your chains we pulled
Our hearts is free of palm-oil
Give us peace we clamor
Your gold we want not
Give us joy, you decline
Though, you are not a god to serve everyday
But your praises we will sing all day
Good morning




Lawson ayodeji Michael
06-08-2018
13;00

FANATIC

In liturgies,
He never missed the front pew
Paid rapt attention to every syllablic sound
he believed that was his sword
He was a combatant of christ

He kneeled at the slightest order
Pressed his lips hard to the cross
The wafer,was his daily bread
He never sat with the one that smokes
He thought , the commandments he broke
"He was a sinner", he said

He never gave to Cesar's
What's Cesar's
He never respected the temporal principles
Said "I'm of heaven".

It's time,he heard the clarion call
Amidst stream of tears
He was thrown into obscurity
He opened his eyes lids
At the gate of empyrean,he found himself
Here I am",he shouted
With confidence he banged on heaven's gate
But the gate keeper didn't relate
What's wrong?
Have they embarked on strike actions?
Is he deaf?

He asked the chauffeur behind the wheel
Am I not worthy of a compartment here?
But he doffed his crown
Saying, "We don't give rooms to dogmatist"

He sorted to see  empyrean authorities
To make his ordeals known
But he had no luxury of time
In the pit of fire
He burned to embers.

By
Ayodeji Michael LAWSON
©2018

ADIEU TO A GOOD NAME

Diamond amidst stone
A deity in the patheon
Shinning star in the wide blue sky
Was my name before it demise
Farewell to it

It stood gallantly by me
From the very seconds
I stepped into an elusive world
We came together
But I was careless enough to let go of it

A good name is a god to midas
So also was mine
But the ****** of its existence
Rang it's bell the moment,i forgot my source
My tears ran to the ocean

The world a thief
Life a rogue
They stole the gold
A glitter they gave in return

It's letters ran into the furnace of doom
Embers it's has become
It's remains is gone
with the ferocious cyclone

Its a coin tossed into an ocean
Never shall it be found
It's a bomb blast victim
Never shall it's pieces be found
It's dead and gone to the seventh heavens
In obscurity it resides forever

I mourn a good name
I shed tears of a lost diamond
I will live to sing it's dirge all day
Farewell to a good name

By
LAWSON A MICHAEL

Man of no race
Beast of no forest
Animal of no species

In the middle of the day
Serves as man's saviour
Always dotting,nursing man's wound
But at the darkess hour
As vampires , ******* on man's blood
Is that your appetizer?

Man rest for him not to die
Only for him to wake up and see...
Blood...A deluge of blood
Flowing beneath him
And this marks his journey to the great beyond
                
Beast of no nation
Man of no birth
Turns the nation into a bogaboo
Streets flowing with blood not waters
The earth dance in agony
Whenever the digger hits it
It is the entry of another innocent soul

Pots filled with man flesh
Hands as breakfast, feet's as lunch,
Dinner Comes with blood
Coffin as dinning table
Is that what you need to quench your hunger?

Man of no race
Beast of no forest
Animal of no species
Homeless beast

By
Ayodeji Lawson LAWMYK
©2018

DEATH WE CALL NOT DEBT

Sounds from the rambling and mumbling
Of minds, to the outer fringes of life
With open hands we embrace grace
But we stumble in the race
We hit the hard side, but we won't  break
In joy we leap in the lake
The lake of the worlds

Bills fly's
Fortunes hoovers
Like a baby looking unto her mother
We stir and stare
But yet  fortune dews never fall
We dine with chicken feeds
That hardly feeds chickens

If fortunes avoid our path
Let death hoover like a bat
With open hands we will pat its back
But its counterpart draws it back
Death its you  we call not debt
We are bretherns, worldly not
Yet shall experience heavens wrath
Where do we go from here
Heaven or hell?

We are the brave traitor
The land that bred us, we desecrate
On the blade of our swords
Readily going for tour
not to heavens gate
But to the forgone part of the worlds
Because debt wish us death not

By
Lawson ayodeji Michael
19-07-18
19:00

It's Cold out here
In the snowed Street
Dead silence it's voice
Lighten with the pale yellow moon
Tossing around like a restless coin

The cyclone festive moment is here
Let it wiggle to the rhythm of jolification
As it make's the iced stones hover
like western birds Searching for prey

The sky let out a screechy cry
Tears runs down it's face
Which turned the land into a quagmire
It's Cold out here
Like the hallway of a dog's nostrils
It's Cold out here
Let no man dance unclad


By
Ayodeji Lawson LAWMYK
©2018