Regardless of the things i do i can never lose my faith in you. See you are perfect and i am not so i only wanna be more like you. I know that everything i do is vain if its not glorfying you. Then why do i still chose to go my way instead going the way you do. I know that its not by my good works in which im saved its a battle thats already won kuz of the challenge you took and the rode that you paved  . You walked through life and fought the temptations. Help me fight them lord kuz they hold me down like intense gravitation. I believe in you not for what you do but who you are. See you are the justice even when the unjustice prevail. You are the wind that keeps on blowing directing my sail.  You still love me even when the test comes and i fail. You are the reason in which why in this life and the next i will prevail.  No matter what comes my way i must  keep going! I must keep chasing after you because not even can i trust myself so father i need your help. I dont deserve your mercy and grace but its something that you give no matter my mistakes. Your are the faithful  who will never let me down. But i get so upset with myself kuz i feel as if i always let you down. Conflicted with the world and the lust over girls i struggle to adhere and follow your words. Im trying lord even if the people around dont see my efforts. The rich and the poor are no different because our lifes all end on tha strecther. But lord you stand up for  poor the weak and those who have been strickend by injustice.  So lord please stand in place let your word and your way be my only way. See i know where i must go an what i must do i must take the focus of me and this world and put my focus solely upon you. Because regardless of my mistakes  regardless of my vain pursuits i know that you wake me up because there is greater destination for my life  and it is up there with you!

Everyday that goes by its really that im losing time. Im tired of this selfless  world  and this 9–5. I get up everyday go to work an put in time. But im starting to feel like everything on this earth is a waste of time. I mean i really just want to settle down and spend some time. But its as everyone in this world is after their next dime. Well if *** money and drugs is everything to this world then  where is my finish line. Kuz im tryna figure out why im.in this world and why did mine and your life intertwine. You never know who your gonna come across or wat to expect. So lets treat each other with dignity and a substantial amount of respect. They say in order to get respect you must be the one to give it. You will never stop doing something until the lord god delivers. So stress not or complain  at all kuz he is in control and you could be worse off!

my heads aching, because my minds racing , holes in ma socks because of the floor that am pacing worried about these Demonds  I’m soon to be facing
up at night in a cold sweat ,  heads a mess ****** up mindset ,  clenching my fists whilst gripping that tight chest and i feel like it’s hard to grasp a ****** breath

how have I let

it get so bad was it because of how I acted , always naughty for mum and dad , horrible to my mrs and kids treating em bad, or was it because I was failed by the care system as a young lad ? is that why i feel like I’m going crazy  , insane or mad uncontrollable thinking flash backs in ma  brain making me sad , thoughts racing, changing  fast just please go away , how long will they last I will never forget but I hope that they pass

I no I got to open up but I feel hopeless , I feel uncomfortably soulless , probably not 2 hard to notice  , I no I need to be strong and get focused but right now I’m  at my lowest point in my life literally feel like giving up this fight but I need to do what’s right  I made this step forward so I hope everyone was telling the truth I hope that they are-right ,  saying we will all help you be there for you , telling me it’ll be alright

Kuz av bin like

awake with no food for more than 10 days in a row trying to escape my mind but I have no where to go , there used to be days  when I felt amazing have a vibrant glow but snap straight back , to vexin , supper stressin , this is real life no messing struggling finding it hard to cope , hopelessly falling back down depressions *****

for my family , friends and loved ones I no it’s got to be hard the things iv done the things iv said  , they never leave my head and it pains me so much feeling mentally scarred, so many times iv tried to change but I feel to weak to do it alone

so today I’m ganna try open up , I feel scared and it feels hard , but I’m begging for help to start  focusing good , a new chapter in my life am closing the last ****** one up , a better partner a better dad a better all round happier  man

the end seems so far but I hope there is light , amma hold onto that to get me thu this fight , I just don’t feel as tho I can do it without help , I feel mentally drained, emotionally strained help me please get these demons out , and get them tamed .

Aw yeah, So greatful to be spreading peanut butter over
Warm bagels for breakfast today.

Mhm, whole grain and gluten free.
i was so hungry,
I wouldnt care if they were full of gluten,
And Grainless.
I shove a piece into my anticipant mouth
And think, "thank God"
As i sit and eat em.

I cant help but look forward
To when i am sitting, and looking at the most beautiful back-of-head
That belongs to the beautiful girl, who is the thesis of my daydreaming.

****** at the fact that i can't find a lighter,
I turn the stove on high.
15 minutes till class, Perfect amount of time to smoke this clip.

As i step outside i allow the day to rudely awaken my eyes, and i appreciate the same old sunny blue sky, and trees
And i watch as a leaf falls in a way that seemed just for me. 

I stroll to class merrily saying greetings to my fellow Limestone Saints.
Aw yeah, psychology class.
Piaget and whatnot, cognitive development and whatnot, nature vs nurture, yada yada.

I notice that i am actually interested.
I like the teacher. He shares a lot of his experiences with us if they relate to the subject.
The day we talked about drugs i jokingly asked "have you ever tried drugs?" I was surprised at his honest answer.

He even described what it was like for him to us.
"Its like woah" he said, and he held his hands out like he was beholding something great, his eyes as wide as possible. "Words just don't describe it."

Today's lesson was on....  Stages of Development.
As the class goes on i consider what level i might be at. I know I think like an 80 year old but c'mon, i don't go to parties; I am the party !

So class was interesting, but my teacher spoke 3 minutes pass release time.
That must be what prison feels like.

Now we go. Bye class. Bye teacher. Ah, so now i am done with my only class of the day, and i just need to do hw and study. Its true what Gable said; "once u have wrestled everything else in life is easy." This is my first year not wrestling, and it is as if all the difficulty in my life has vanished.

Then i saw that beautiful back-of-head. i got the nerve up to approach this angelic girl who is just so magnetic to me.
I felt a chill when i tapped her on the shoulder.

I told her of my feelings for her as we walked, and i felt a warm gush of hope swelling up in me as she blushed.
But lo, She nobly turned down my request to hang out becuase she had a boyfriend.
"But we can be Friends", she told me.
Story of my life.

But i was as happy as if she said i was her boyfriend, because i made her laugh twice, and her smile is etched in my mind.
Aw yeah, i enjoyed our talk.

But work work work, thats what life is, so off i go to the library like a good little *****. Uncle sam's *****.

Literature for the adolescent; i love this class, but if i don't keep up theres no way ill pass.
Two novels a week !

So i did a booksheet on "Dope Sick" by Walter Dean myers.
A great read.
Lil j reminds me of me; just a brother tryna eat.

But after this assignment, i am academically free for the weekend !
I love the feeling. Sweet.
So i got nothing better to do than go watch the intersquad match.
Ugh, wrestling.

Alas, our tumultuous relationship is over.
But ill watch kuz my friends are in action.
Ritch !
Kayo !
Cliff !
Zoe !
They've still got passion for you, but Iord knows i don't.

I'm actually so grateful that im not elgible this year on a technicality.
But ill go watch the match, and support my old teammates.

Dudes wrestling.
Dudes smackin each others heads.
Dudes taking highcrotches.
Dudes grabbin each others legs.
Dudes putting dudes in cradles.
Dudes picking top bottom, and neutral.
I am thoroughly sick of it, and watching these matches helped me realize that.

So i watched until the wrestling was over, and i knew that for me wrestling was definitely over.
As i walked out of the room i felt a reassuring feeling of closure.
No more wrestling for lerch :)

One thing left to do !
I must practice the piano.
Major scales, minor scales, pentatonics of course !
Go up in octaves, 3rds, 4ths.
Do the 1, then the 5, and the 4
In every major key.
Then do some more!

Aw yeah, here is where i am truly free; the keys! The keys!
If no one will listen, ill just play for me.
The stress builds up; i just play to ease it.

A great day, without a hitch.
Nothing left to do
but to smoke, and eat.

Thank You Lord

Confused and abused  by this body of flesh. Trying to live for god but its not an easy test. Temporary pleasure of sin not what i need but has me amused. So there no one to blame when i am refused. Temptation of the world temptation of a girl is: a everyday thing and why my visions blurred. See i wanna be perfect in all things that i do but since i became a Christian i see how far from perfect iam when i compare myself to you. How did you do it how did you survie this life. Why cant i be like you why must i suffer this life. I am ******* myself but you say im worthy. Well let me see myself the way you see me come make this vision un blurry. I want to do what you want me to but my desires are blocking your way. Its easy to talk the talk but hella harder to walk the walk. I need you to talk for me and walk for me to. Kuz if i try to do it on my own it seems the futher i walk from you. Why i am here to me it seems unclear  you say you have a plan for my life and theres no need to fear.  So what is your plan for my life am i just supposed to exist. Am i going to struggle  with these sins everyday if so give me the strength to resist.  Show me your plan for my life lord god and this i insist. I don't want to miss my calling i dnt jus want to exist and i really dont want to be one of the ones who has been exempted from your list!i

Lord wat is your will for my life

shall i forever be alone or will you send me a wife

i ask for your will kuz my will is to weak

i dream about this girl when im awake and sleep
but if she is not the one then show me who is
because not every girl deserves this love thats within

the devil shall tempt me but i wont give in
because i dnt want love that starts with sin
because thats not love it truely is lust i dnt want a one night stand or a lil bitty crush
lord i know you are working and cant be rushed

just show me who she is
so these feelings can be hushed!

See mary j she always finds me
i think i love this girl see shes always  kind to me when im down or stressin  she always uplifts me
I
love when shes around  kuz nothin in the world gets to me.  
Shes a beautiful flower but her nick name is tree
I
like climb her branches and see how high she takes me.
Shes met my mother and she loves her to
I
think i may propose but it may be too soon  hmm ill wait few months when shes in full bloom then shell be my bride and well me her groom!

Pen to the pad or fingers on the phone i write all these poems because of what god has shown. Never has he left me never was i alone im chasing after god now so the devil is on his own. I am who i am no matter if you accept. The god that i serve he always accepts. He knows my heart he know my intentions. He created everything so truth is his definition. See i am blessed i will no longer let my circumstances get me down or let this world devour me stress. I was once a non believer who held everything thing in his chest but the father of this world has come and put all those things to rest. I am worthy i am loved  if not by you owell haha its from the one above. See i laugh i joke because at one point in time this world had me choked. See who iam now is not who or wat i was in the past. The joy the father brings is like the boxer in the ring so it will everlast. Regret guilt defeat somewhere in the past it will only stick around if you fuel it with your mind being the gas. Roses are red and we know violets are blue no.longer focused on this world because the focus is on you. The promises you made were not in vain. I know through this life there will be tears and pain. The tears will go and so will the pain kuz i must go through somethings before i experience the gain. Its easy to give up and hella easy to complain but where will that get me but stress and strain. The future is brighter then the stars in the sky. So lord take the clips off these wings and let me spread and fly!