I have been noticing some changes recently.
My face is rounder,
My chest has expanded and my hips have widened.
My grandmother told me that during your early teenage years you get chunkier,
Then you slim down and get “womanly” curves .
I have always had “child bearing hips”
It won’t be anything unusual.
I think that’s why I have never attracted boys my age.
They think I’m fat,
But men think I’m perfect.
They tell me about how perfectly round my hips are,
How I have the tiniest waist, and biggest back end.
They love my charisma and my personality.
They love to try to figure me out.
The change hasn’t only been in my body,
I noticed that I yearn to have a family; More than an education.
I clean all the time and worry about what color to paint the walls of my living room.
Grown up things,
I usually don’t find myself worrying about.
I refuse to let my parents pay my bills.
I notice theses changes.
I don’t worry.

I remember the day I realized I was fat.
I was probably ten years old, and a little chunkier than my peers.
I still have that feeling now, over ten years later.
Looking in the mirror everyday, lifting my shirt, looking at my body.
But it's not good enough.
I want to be smaller.

I used to not eat hardly at all.
Just enough to make my mom feel like I was.
Then, I barely ate because I wasn't hungry, and I was too busy.

Now, at my skinniest as an adult, I still don't feel good enough.
Sometimes I think about what I'd look like if I lost twenty pounds.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm okay with how I look, but it never lasts for long.
That hate will creep up with no warning, and then I'm back to pointing out my fat spots.
I just want to feel beautiful.