She whispers in my ear;
her laughter echoes coldly in my mind.
Skeletal, beautiful.
I want to be her.
I can never be her.
She slinks around,
winning all the attention.
I hate her.
I hate me.
She has driven me to this.
She is self hatred.

5 am
get up
stumble around
go for a run
take a shower

8:30
go to class
stay in class
pay attention
be awake

12
eat lunch... or don't
does it matter? No.
Lie a little,
smile

2
more classes
more notes
blank stares
empty mind

6
eat dinner? no.
Can't deal with food.
watch some television
do some work

10
stare at a wall
take a shower
do some work
feel empty

1 am
stay awake
cry for a while
stop the bleeding
don't sleep until 3

4 am
wake from a nightmare
muffle the sobs
sleep for a half hour
repeat

He called me his lion,
even though I told him
female lions are lionesses.
I opened my eyes
and he held my hand.

but then I swallowed the pills
and he saved me life.
I sobbed, disgusted by myself,
that I was still alive.
He simply held me and let me cry.

He stopped the bleeding
and took care of me.
He dealt with my mess and
loved me anyway.
I just don't understand why.

Do you remember every drive in the dark like I do
Or is it something you left behind like the leaves abandon trees
Couldn’t we have been more than another line in your notebook
Unless it was always the falling stars that held your attention
Mention of your name still carries weight but I’m not sure they see it
Even though I can’t keep my hands from shaking but I know I’m getting better
Not even the empty frames taste like the sadness
That you always said lingered in the back of your throat
Even when you were reaching for my hand
Verbs traced along bare skin and even then you said it persisted
Every word you spoke made the needles plunged into my skin seem more real
Ripping tearing slashing and gouging
You never seemed to notice the blood stains or maybe you thought they were yours
Countless times I tried to bring you back but I could never find the light in your eyes
Unfocused and without direction a magnet attracted to something other than the truth
Repulsed by your own touch but you never shied away from mine
Validation in all of it forms could never reach far enough at least not from my lips
Ebbing away like the tide and we all know I’m not strong enough to stop the moon
Often we sat in silence for hours when all words failed
For your own sanity this was all I could do and I still don’t know that it helped
How did I ever let things get so far out of hand anyway
Every second I spent trying to hold you close and keep you safe
Repulsed by everything I had to offer I guess I can only apologize
*~W.C.

"you okay?"
"no, i'm close to tears,
i'm close to a breakdown,
an anxiety attack.
i'm exhausted.
i'm falling apart
so ******* quietly
that you can't hear.
I want to scream,
god, I just want you to know.
I just can't tell you."
"i'm kinda tired, that's all"

For a year or so, I was happy.
Comfortable with myself.
There were always the pervading fears
And the lingering self hatred,
But I was almost happy,
For a while.
But know I see myself again,
And I do not like what I see.
My hatred is back
And I think it's going to stay
For a while.

I lost my childhood...

Please help me to find it.