I wish you had died when i was eleven years old
When the paramedics took you away on that stretcher
And the foam was coming out of your mouth and you were shaking
Pale and defeated

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When my grandmother told me that it was just your sickness
That you were going to be okay
Every lie that was spit to me
To avoid my heart from hearing the truth

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When the only you I knew
Was passed out on the bathroom floor
Clinging to this so called life

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When all I knew was nurturing myself
Trying to fill the void
Of a motherless child

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When I had no other version of you to miss
No other version of you to love
No other version of you cry for
No other version to need

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When death was still only an acquaintance to me
And not a close friend with whom I share my secrets
The pain in your eyes
The fear in my chest
All signs pointing away from you

I wish you had died when i was eleven years old
When I would have no words to speak at your funeral
Other than "told you so"
Other than "as if I needed ber"
Other than "goodbye"

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When losing my mother would still leave time
To become someone else
To break the cycle
To learn how to be without you
And to learn how to love a human more than a needle.

My mother asked me if I am seeing anyone today
I thought of you
And the happiness I feel for you
I thought of how your laugh sounds
And the music you make inside of me
I thought of how your eyes sparkle
And how you speak
I thought of how hearing from you
Makes my bones crumble
And my eyes crinkle at the corners
I thought of the conversations
And the secrets that we keep
I thought of the burning in my guts
And the desire to be caressed by your gentleness

I told her that I am not seeing anyone
Because although I am captivated
I know we will never be whole
You are one half beauty
And I am one half tragedy
And neither of us can explain it
So I smiled, “maybe someday,” I said

I thought of how it would feel to love you
And how it would feel to be loved
I thought of living with you
And staying when you are gone
I thought of home
And suddenly it was you

But we cannot be complete
Because your heart lies in another's hands
And I could never compare
With the markings she left on you
So I grit my teeth
And bite my lip
And try to find a place
Where happiness could someday be with you.

It's hard to love a girl
When she can't even
Swallow the right
Kind of
Matches