Here I am, looking up causes for headaches
at 1 am
when I know it will always come back to you.
My hands found the bottom of the ocean
as I cleaned old movie tickets out of my car today.
I can see your honesty from here.
It took my composure on its way out the door.
I’m not bitter anymore.
I’m just tired.
And I’m tired of being so tired.
I’m sorry you didn’t stay.
I’m sorry that I apologize
for all the times you didn’t.
I keep forgetting these things
are not one-sided,
and so,
I’m sorry I gave you everything
for nothing in return.
You tasted like love,
and I was parched.
Still am.

a fistful of what i want to say
but not even a pinch of courage

****, there's so much that you need to know
but my mind kept on screaming,
"a word comes out and you're going to regret life"

three days later
i come to see you, just to tell you
how much i've dreamt about you
but all i said was
"hey darling, how have you been?"

you said you've been good,
that's a good thing, right?
but tell me
what about the look on your face when i said i was going to leave
on that day?

what about the times i've said hey, cheer up
life doesn't end here and now, you know that right?
you smiled but that look
was as opaque as the clouds above

what about when i said i loved you for the first time?
you smiled like the first time you heard the singing voice of mine
but at the end of the day, that look
that look took over my mind for the rest of the night

the time when i first kissed your bruised hand
what about that time?
the same look was plastered on your beautiful face
and i thought
"****, this girl doesn't love me no more"

but nothing was mentioned
you never asked for a break
you never said you were tired
but that look
never left my mind.

and now it is back
i believe, for the last time
for once and for all
can you please explain
if and why
that look of yours
is going to be
a permanent residence in my mind?

y.m

my wrists
spill blood
just like my pen
spills inky words
onto my notepad

You given me all of you
Laid it all out on the table
Told me all of your secrets
Shown me who you truly are
You are comfortable with yourself
I am not
I still can't seem
To let my walls down
Tell you my secrets
Show you who I truly am
Cause I truly don't even know
Even still
You tell me you love me
But I've realized now more than
Ever I don't deserve you
I can't tell you I love you because
I can't even tell myself the person I
Should be most comfortable with
I can not tell myself I love me
Because I honestly don't
So I can't honestly tell you
I love you
With out first  loving
Myself.

I cant say it.
I am not brave enough yet.
To be brave is to do something your afraid to do.
I am afraid to say
I love you.
Only with the fear of loosing you.
Because I have been brave
before.
I have loved
before,
and I have lost
before.
I am not ready to be
brave just yet.

You love me.
Whats wrong with you?
You say it every time you hug me.
Why cant i say it ?
I'm afraid of it.
Why am afraid?
cause it could destroy me
if i were to obtain it.
Do I even contain it?
I don't believe I do
because if I were to
I'd love myself, and
you.
-*love