While I was busy planting flowers for others
I neglected to remain attentive to the vibrant petals that began to sprout between my toes.

They tell me I am deserving of their beauty
They are remarkable
I ignore the petunia's persistence and decline their invitation to take root among my insides
"You have planted so many of us for others,"
They sigh
"Let us remain planted here
For you
For once"
They remind me how I am capable of giving
Incapable of receiving
Incapable of receiving
Incapable of receiving

It is not until years later when I have planted so many wildflowers for others that there is but a thin line between their tips and the sun
They have grown so tall I am covered in shade
I stare down at my toes
The gaps between them are empty
No more seeds left
No more seeds left

She sings herself swan songs
But she needs a lullaby
Her hips sway beneath her tired shoulders
Her feet her foundation
But they do not sit still
Simultaneously running towards her courage and away from her fears
Despite her deep breaths
Her lungs are not full
Her belly rises and falls persistently anyway

Her resilience keeps her company by the lakeshore
Sings to her softly
Cradles her heart in its hand
"You are safe here"

Noticing her determination, the wind carries her along
Towards the horizon
Towards her courage
Spills into the corners of her insides
Warms the garden her mother never tended to
Never sang to
The leaves become her chorus
The moon her lullaby
Her resilience smiles
Takes root in her temples
Lines her walls with forgiveness
Patience
Ingredients for her garden
Waters it with celebration
After all, she has survived.

Sunflowers tickle her ears as they sprout
Stretching and yawning in the daylight
"My flowers!" She cries
"I have been waiting for you"

Her feet grow still
They had been searching for the sunflowers
Never knowing they were inside her
Deep in the soil of her garden
"We knew you would come for us,"
They beam
She breathes in
Down to her toes

Her lungs press into her ribcage
They are full
They
are full.

He was born in August
Despite being surrounded by summer
He was susceptible to sadness
When he walks he goes heart first
Feet after
He speaks with a pencil
And a sketchbook
Always placed in his back pocket
Its outline is engraved in the denim
There's courage on his eyelashes
Despite the long cold winter
His flowers grow back relentlessly
Every
Single
Spring
He lets them grow wild
Since others trim theirs back

He finds another
Tends to her sadness
Waters her flowers so they can grow wild
Too
Always hers first
Even if there's not enough water for two
In return she carries some of his sadness for him
After all it's grown heavy

He was born in August
Sunshine in his hair
There were no clouds in the sky
Because he was holding on to them for us
Carries them in a jar
In return the wildflowers thank him for it
They grow thick on the forest floor so he can rest his head
While he sleeps
They sometimes withdraw a cloud
Absorb the sadness into their roots
And leave him nothing but the silver lining
"So you know you're loved"
The wildflowers whisper
"So you know it has all been worth it"

I was woken by my demons this morning
It appears they escaped last night
Had done my best to tie them down
But my self doubt waited until I fell asleep and lured them out

My demons are resting behind my ears
"No point in trying today" they snarl
"You've already failed anyway"
They tug at my shirt tails as I stand
"Come back to bed" they chime
My heart is heavy
My legs like lead
Just one more step to get outside
Get in to the light and they'll leave you

I notice it is cloudy
No sunshine to scare them away today
"You cannot ignore us!" They cry
They make camp between my curls

My demons are my company today
I can barely see through the fog
I know I must persevere
Determination is my weapon
I hoist the demons atop my crown
"Give up! They snicker
I will make it up this hill
I will make it to the next sunrise

My demons are my company
Today, but not all days
As I hum to myself each note makes them dreary
They nod off, their bellies rise and fall
My demons are my company
I tuck them in at night
My demons are my teachers
My state of mind my defence
I bathe in moonlight
I will rest til dawn
Then I will begin again.

My demons are my company

Went down to the water to forgive myself
To shed myself
The ocean plays at my ankles
My past spills at my feet
Swirls in the sea foam
Turns the water black
Memories pierce my heart
Can feel the air rush through the holes they leave
How will I repair them?
The waves are consistent like my flashbacks
Always waiting for a pause of calm
"We're here"
They say
"We remember."

I step further into the water
I am knee-deep now
It's harder to catch my breath
The holes are swelling
Childlike innocence seeps out of my ears
Runs down my spine
Gushes at my feet

I feel faint
My knees buckle and I sink into the sand
Water rushes through my midsection
It's warm
Reminds me of your hands
I steady myself

"We're too heavy for you to float"
They say
"You must let us go"
But I don't know how
How can I let go of what almost killed me
How can I forget what you did
How do I honour my nightmares
How do I not
They've kept me warm
They're familiar
Wrapped around my neck while I sleep
I'll be cold without them

The water is past my rib cage now
I'm sinking
Do it now
Do it now
I don't know how
But I know I must
I reach for the cavern in my chest
Start pulling out my insides
They've rotted from when you had taken root at the base of my skull
I toss them into the rolling waves
Fistfuls of my rage
Heartbreak
Memories of your gaze
They do not deserve daylight
"What will you do without us?"
They chorus
"I will carry on"
I bellow
"I will carry on without you!"

I watch them drift away
In and out
In and out
To shore to sea
To shore to sea

I don't know when but I have arrived back on my feet
The waves are still there
Soothing my ankles
Back and forth
Back and forth
Like your old rocking chair
The ocean consoles me as I gently weep
"You did it"
"It's over now"
It whispers
Sunlight dances on the surface
Reflects into my bare lungs
Begins to warm my insides
Repair what you ruined
My body sprouts flowers
The endless rainfall has done it good
I retreat slowly to the shore
Pause for a deep breath that fills the four corners of my heart
And break into a sprint towards the horizon
I am free now
I am free now

I am a fortress.
Fervently I fidget with my deadbolt
"Lock that door shut. You'll be safe in here."

Outside a forest stretches
Wind navigating its branches
My hair is matted
Damp
The wind has forgotten it
"No one can find me here. I am safe."

Moss grows between my toes
Embedded under my finger nails
From my attempts to evict it each night.

Who am I hiding from?

The sun reaches one small dusty corner
"Stay away," I snarl, snapping the blinds shut
"The sun is not your friend."

Days pass.
I grow pale
Half moons cradle my eyes

The sun is outside my door
Pacing
Whispers to the wind- "if only she knew we loved her."

Winter arrives.
I collect icicles because they seem familiar
They cut my palms as they melt
I let the moss grow over the wounds

The sun and the wind return
I'm too weak to run from them.

The wind sighs,
"If only she knew she needs us to grow."

I am a heap of bone now. And sinew.
The moss creeps over my eyelids

My breath slows

I return to the forest floor.

If only I had known I was not alone.

their hesitation
              

                was my revelation

And for once,

she is still.

she breathes in lilacs
and breathes out daffodils

she cocoons all winter
nursing her summer wounds
she flew too close to the sun, you see.

her skin left tarnished;
gaping
her spirit
her spirit does not decay.

she flies close because she can
because of the fire inside her
moth to a flame

her wax wings soften
like your heart when you first saw her

"i will fly again next year"
she whispers
through her tears

Punitive damages descend
on your determination

Decidedly so, you weep.

Dry heaves wreak havoc on your insides

You leap off the canyon in the dead of winter

Just so the freezing water
engulfs you
forces you
to breathe deeper.

I am told I am to be
Soft
Gentle
"Nice"

Told to sit pretty and swallow quietly
And enjoy it
I am told not to perceive my fellow women as safe havens but rather
Battle fields
I must be better
Thinner
Thick in the right places
Complacent
Thankful a man desires me
Who am I without him anyway

"Remember who you were, before they told you who to be."

I have a fire inside me and it rages
I don't need help finding my voice
I was born with it after all
I don't need a confidence booster
A crash diet
A mans bank account
I have my own thank you
I don't need my ***** grabbed

I am a fortress
I constructed these walls myself
I am not any less of a woman if I don't
Choose to shave my legs
Or paint blush on my cheeks
Purse my lips just right

I
Do not
Consent
To your definition
Of
How I am
Supposed
To
Be.

She was born in December
Outside
In the snow

She read one thousand pages
before her seventh birthday

She climbed forty trees in a fortnight

She quieted the unruly children with one look
all three hundred of them

She ran the fastest mile
She'd run over ten thousand miles before she died

Ate a whole cow once,
slept with 500 men

Never satisfied,
never satisfied.

She cured heartache,
She played the violin
Cello
Harpsichord
each note spun like Vivaldi

Always playing,
never satisfied.

She climbed Everest
"Not enough!"
she sighed

She raised three daughters
Fierce as hell, all three

And they raised seven daughters,
the fiercest of them all

She did it in stride
Never faltered
Never celebrated

She sung in the opera
in her spare time

Never satisfied,
never satisfied.

I eat fear with a spoon.
I chew it well,
Deliberately
I swallow it with a splash of whiskey
and lemon.

I wipe humility from the
corners of my mouth
with a paper napkin,
adorned in gold.

I spit courage
it falls at your feet.
You silently wish you could spit as far.

I wipe weakness from between my eyes,
Although it takes only two strides for it to
firmly re-root itself on my crown.

I wipe again.

I drink self love,
love from others.
I drink innovation and determination
I absorb piano notes through my skin
They dance in my veins.

An ebb and flow of a thousand rivers.

I rest,

But just for a little while.

I fill the void with hunger,
I fill the void with getting lost with people by my side who’s faces i recognize
but who’s souls i do not know.

i fill the void with you.
i fill the void with you because even though i know that we do not fit together like the perfect puzzle pieces that i wish we could be
at least
i’m not
alone.

i fill the void with consumption
i fill the void with cigarettes
i fill the void with inhale after inhale
until my belly is full with the heaviest of thoughts
and my nightmares circle around and around my skull until they come to rest exactly where you always said that i had that golden crown,
the one that i could never see.

i fill the void with madness
i fill the void with pointless anger,
seeping from my throat and drowning my tongue
tasting bitter like a rotten lemon
but the bitterness is better than tasting nothing at all
and it sticks to my chapped lips like an old friend.


i fill the void with endless calculations
meticulously measuring my emptiness clinging onto my insides
with a measuring stick
and even though i measure with repetitive precision,
it never measures up to my own highest standards

and I fill the void by hurling insults at your face
and even after you’ve closed the door, like a poignant period finally occurring at the end of a infinite infinite run on sentence.
i continue to spit, spit fiery slurs that in reality fall more like water droplets that ultimately accumulate mid air
and last a little while,
but never outlast the darkness that is fiercely stuck to the soles of my shoes.

And I breathe it back in
and I breathe it back in
just to feel a little bit more full.

I fill the void with a look of contentment that i plaster on my face because
i
i
can feel when you are looking
i fill the void with confidence
i fill the void with courage
i fill the void by carrying fear across my chest and over my shoulder like i’m going into battle and never
coming
back.

i fill the void with the hope that i can hope hard enough to fill myself up again
but no matter how much i fill

i can feel my insides draining
faster than a bottomless kitchen sink.

and regardless of how hard i clasp my hands against the gaping hole where i used to gently hold a relentless summer,

i can feel that the coldest winter has begun to replace it.
and i can almost still feel its warmth
just like I used to when i used to..
when you used to say you could feel it too.

my frigid fingers lock around my neck as i finally release that empty feeling that buries my deepest desires

and i feel my wild beating beating heart finally submitting to resolve.

and i realize
that i can never be full.
I realize
that I will never be full.

And so i float away
like an abandoned ballon

just like my mother said the others did
and when i join them there
they remind me that at least i’m not alone.
and they tell me that perhaps in the end
the point
was not to be full anyway.

Casually quantifying clerical errors
counting sarcasm and collecting compliments,
but casting them aside
until they're stacked higher than the
introductions that were denied.

She swallows condominiums and Ikea catalogues  
and eyelash extensions.
She swallows the Kardashians
and decrepit Tinder dates.
She swallows her opinion that out-shined and outsmarted his.
She swallows the chronicles of night time strolls that turned sour.

She steps into the shower.
Her mind is full, but her belly is empty.
Although it's swollen with expectation and incessant inquiry,
her ribs protrude as if to command her attention,

And to confirm her intention to rise again.