By now,
I am just so **** sick of caring

You fell in love with me.

I just hope you jumped.
Not slipped.

I've been hit by a wave of helplessness

A feeling of imminent something
that's about to happen

I see it most, clouded in red, when I'm in my room faced with a mountain of "not done yet"

I feel it most when on scales, unevenly balanced and soon to tip

Stay? Go?
Hold on? Let go?

I'm with it most when I see the boxes spilling from every corner of my life

Memories screaming dont leave me
Don't leave me

I live it most when tearing down photos, ripping down paintings,
giving away keepsakes

I taste it in the air when I'm driving with the windows down,
Wind roaring at me, children's rhymes taunting

I can smell it in the foods I eat,
the restaurants I might never see again

I hear it loudest in the words I speak, goodbyes all waiting at the back of my tongue
Yet shy of hellos still to come

I live it when I pack my bags,
zip and unzip my suitcases

I am tortured by it while I consolidate my life down into a single box

A feeling
A valley
A sinking, dreaded chasm

I'm standing on the edge

Of unfinished business

I keep losing my train of thought

I really would like to find it,
but sometimes I'm afraid I don't even have the ticket

I lost my train of thought

So I decided to go looking

When I found it, it was derailed off its tracks

Wrecked completely, in flaming chunks

I found pieces of it hanging from a cliff

Other pieces somewhere in the depths of the ocean

And yet more pieces,
Still on their track and chugging to their doom

I lost my train of thought,
maybe it's best I didn't have my ticket

Whatever memory of you
Whatever small tribute to us
A physical manifestation of days gone by

I broke
Destroyed
Tore at the seams

And I'm not sure what can be repaired