something tells me you don't see my porcupine quills
for what they really are
because despite what you've been told
by those books you read at midnight
to help you erase insecurity
my kindness doesn't make me cherry-filled
my defense doesn't make me secret
your "tragic past" imposed upon me is not my motive
I am not something dug-up, mysterious and ancient
but your chart says that I am
a delicate power you need to protect
a relic from another world, an alien
different
but why compare a dark towering forest to a flower
we are not like gold and silver
we are not precious and we do not hold worth
we are manufactured of mud and clay
as your ancestors and the ones before you were
and I was raised, like mountains from earth, to believe
that all people were merely and nothing less than
human
and we do not earn this right

Body shaking
Heart racing
Mind scattered
Feeling dizzy
Need help
Can't talk
Go away
Can't walk
Pass out
Why not cry a little too

Hello my name is anxiety

If I wasn't gay would people care?
Would they actually let me breath the same air?
Could I actually go to school,
without people being so cruel?
Could I live in a world with no hate?
Maybe people would love me if I was straight.
It's not as easy as people think.
I can't just go to a shrink.
I didn't choose to be this way.
You really think I'd want to be gay?
I don't want attention,
I don't want fame.
This isn't some sort of game.
I am who I am and thats okay.
Most people don't see it that way.
I only wish I could be the same.
To have a wedding and it not be shamed.
I want to have kids and not be judged.
I don't want my reputation smudged.
But apparently I'm different now.
Sick in the head somehow.
Therapy and shock treatment for something that can't be fixed.
How did I get put into this mix?
Toxic and tragic,
that's my life.  
It's like I was stabbed in the back with a knife.
I'm gay,
what's wrong with that?
I get treated like some rat.
Using your holy books and your religion.
To fight against something that makes no difference.
I want to be a human not a punching bag.
Always getting called a ***.
Let that word have power and it gets to you.
But that words as good as whatever is stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I love being this way.
I don't care what you say.

I'm doing well this is my 3rd no energy drinks giving up a bad habit I took up once I quit drinking. Thankful for my support group who call me my actions if I'm falling back into those habits.
My love life had been stale I don't need anyone to be happy. Found happiness in my passion and what I love not in other individuals. My friend seen a girl who he thinks would be my type. He's the worse match maker ever but that's my opinion how do you hype a person up if you dk anything about a person.
I'm feeling good relationships aren't everything. I'm focused on JJ and writing they keep me sane. On the  mats I learn my techinque get better if not let the person I train with better.
Writing has been my way to figure things out not so angry or looking back but letting go. Moving forward the only story I can get lost in is moment I don't want to forget. I let go do I can live now life is about going forward not back