I look at myself in the mirror.
I **** my stomach in.
I turn and walk away, only to turn around.
Today isn't a great day.

I think of changing my clothes.
I think of changing my clothes, again.
I decide I don't have time to do it.
(I don't think about the inner thoughts pervading my head).

I get called cute once.
I get called cute twice.
I have a skip in my step.
Hey, this isn't so bad, is it?

Some days, I give in to the peer pressure in my head.
Some days, I dress in baggy clothes to try and hide my figure.
But, some days, some very rare days,
I love the way I look.

The worst days in life
are not when you’re on the floor, weeping
are not when tears silently stream down your face
are not when you’re struggling in life, juggling a dozen tasks
but when your life just seems meaningless
your daily rituals seem to be robotic
you long for change, yet it frightens you to the point of avoidance
you dial the phone, and no one picks up
but even if they did, what would you say?
Fear has taken hold of my hands, and I can’t do anything anymore.

I have a chest of memories, with multiple compartments
Most are on the surface, visible to everyone,
A certain few haven't been revealed in years

As you gain levels in our friendship, I give you access to more of these memories
I presume you do the same for me, because what is friendship if not sharing deep dark secrets and not being judged
But then something happens and you slink away

Leaving my chest open, all my memories strewn about
Leaving me to pick up the pieces and move on
Leaving me to clean up the mess you made

I hope you find another friend to confide your secrets to

But...

I hope you don't break their heart the way you broke mine
I hope they realize they aren't at fault when you move on, yet again

Think about the way you emote when you speak
That upwards tilt of sarcasm
That high-pitch of curiosity
The break in your voice when you try to hold onto those tears

Take all of this on social media and none of it is projected
People misunderstand, people obfuscate
You're stuck at the cliff, all by yourself, instead of supported by a million others
All your kindness is taken for weakness
All your support is taken as a stunt

The next time you call someone problematic,
Keep all of this in mind, try a little tenderness
You both might be on the same side,
except you made a decision to assume too early.

I had my breakfast.
I gave up the button that started a liberal conversation,
I mourned the lack of freedom of speech,
I stopped talking.

I walk across campus, silent people everywhere
The look of despair on their faces, the feeling of helplessness in the air,
I empathized with them,
I had nothing to say.

One particular person helped me more than I could imagine,
They convinced me that I am still valid, that my thoughts are still important,
They cared for me, even if just for twenty minutes,
I spilled my secrets to a stranger tonight.

Please don’t study for 21 hours and sleep only for 3,
Please don’t worry yourself into a panic about deadlines,
Please don’t lose yourself while worrying about the whole **** world,
Please don’t.

Pamper yourself, get that bubble bath,
Go buy a pint of ice-cream and watch that thing you like,
Block people who are negative, put photos up of your friends,
Self-care is important.
- Me, learning after a semester of breakdowns and lost hope.

I want to watch movies with someone
Have some cheesy popcorn to accompany my cheese
Lose track of time as the sun comes up
The rays illuminating their beauty

I want to chill with someone
Both of us doing our own thing
Distracting each other at points
Making memories as we go along

I want to have a food fight with someone
Maybe I’d be the one starting it
Maybe I’d be the one running away
Ending it with sweet kisses

I want to talk to someone
Exchange deep secrets, or just funny moments
Each word bringing us closer
Each memory melting into another

One day, there will be a someone
Someone who will complete this list with me
Till then, I’ll be patient
Till then, I’ll be waiting