Fumbling down into a rough forgiveness,
I trust you again.
We dance in a circle of pink hugs and hope.
This time it will last.

I've finally won you back;
After years of chipping away at your scull and jabbing your heart,
I've learned to caress your fears and soak your joy.

Yet this only lasts for a breath or two.
I am once again blue and hollow.
It's time to break my own heart.
Not the first time, won't be the last.

I am addicted to the bruises I give myself.
It's not a matter of choosing sadness, but rather choosing anything.

Anything is better than this rusty cage I call my home.
Hot anger, sharp dejection, grey terror.
I let it all fill me.

I let it fill me to the brim,
because destroying myself is the best way to know that I'm still alive.