The absence of you,
Is so noticeable in the house,
You could say it's the elephant in the room.
The joy you brought with your laughter echoes soundlessly in our ears as only the ghost of it is left to hear.
The awkwardness that was so tangible in you still leaves me feeling awkward at times.
I still imagine you out there in Oklahoma as you were two years ago.
Should you have stayed there?
Would you still be here if you hadn't come back?
So many questions no one will ever have the answers for.
I miss you're breathtaking hugs that could probably crack someone's ribs if they weren't prepared for it.
I miss the scent of your cologne as you prepared for dates with women that never deserved you unwavering attention.
They can all go to hell.
I miss watching cartoons with you and YouTube videos and just laughing together.
I miss playing Borderlands with you.
I can't play it anymore because I have no idea what's going on and I never did; I always followed your lead.
You were my hero in many ways.
You were there for me when mom and dad yelled at me for not eating my food.
You'd come to my rescue and bring me zebra cakes.
You were there after the many heartbreaks I suffered.
Why aren't you here for the biggest of them all?
I miss you so much.
You were the best brother I could have asked for.
Now it's just me and Stacey.
You're little sisters still needed you.
Why did you have to go?
To every story, there's an ending.
To every fairy tale, there's a happily ever after.
To our story, there's just pain
That was us.
Me and my one true love.
Our story could move hearts.
But it's ending only shattered mine.
"Goodbye my lover.
You have been the one for me."
From it's caged heart the bird will sing
Reality makes it fall back into silence
Even though it has everything
Even everything is not what it thought it would be
Making the most of its life it will always sing
Even though it's heart will forever be anything but free
My head is spinning so fast my brain is in a jumble.
I'm confusing my feelings for everyone and its making my heart crumble.
One day I love you, the next its turned to hate.
I mean, how many hits do you think a heart can take?
Life's so confusing I just don't know what to feel.
But please don't ever doubt that my love for you is real.
I'm just in a bad place, please understand.
I'm trying to return to myself as much as I can.
Just don't give up on me.
Cuz baby you complete me.
Because we both know that in the end, its just you and me.
Ever just cry until your head feels its gonna explode in pieces like glass?
Ever just want to cry until you feel like that?
The feeling *****.
Your throat gets all constricted
Your eyes burn
But then you remember you can't
Of course physically you can
But you know you can't at the same time
You have an image to keep up
No one can see you cry
You have to be the strong one
The one who holds the rest of the family together
And that eats away at your mind
You get red angry at anyone
Or irritated just by the way someone's breathing
Or sad because a puppy didn't get an extra treat
Or happy at the wrong time
I feel crazy half the time now
I feel like the person I care about the most is gonna realize that too and leave me alone in the
Supposedly making wishes on a shooting star are supposed to work.
I've never believed in that kind of stuff but right now I'll try anything.
Wishing someone would understand.
Wishing I wasn't so alone.
Wishing someone would consider my feelings.
Wishing someone would take my side.
Wishing my brother wasn't dead.
Wishing I could numb my emotions.
Wishing I was alone.
Wishing I wasn't.
Wishing for November 16, 2014 to stop existing.
Wishing for sanity.
Wishing I didn't have this particular life.
Wishing this shooting star would work.
But sadly the only person that considered mine and my sisters feelings was a man we've only met once.
I'm trying to find solace in anything.
But I realize I'm angrier than before.
I stand in the shower for 30 minutes and just seethe in anger.
Anger at God.
Anger at my mom.
Anger at my dad.
Anger at my sister.
Anger at the guy who hit my brother.
Anger at my boyfriend.
Anger at me.
Anger at my brother.
Sometimes I wish I could just scream in there,
But I know my parents would probably freak out.
Maybe even bust the door open and see me in all my glory.
That'd be embarrassing.
I feel like I hate everyone.
But I also can't be mean to anyone.
I feel bad when I get mad at my boyfriend.
But **** sometimes he makes me wanna beat the **** out of him.
And then sometimes I just wanna pounce on him.
All these emotions got me ****** up.
I'm over here reminiscing old memories of my brother hoping for some sort of solace.
But I end up in tears just wishing the good Lord would just take me.
And I know its selfish but in this kind of moment, you only think of the pain now.
I can't see my future anymore.
The man I love doubt's me all the time and he has good reason to.
I don't know where I'm heading.
And it breaks my heart that he does.
But oh well.
I couldn't even convince my own brother to stay in the end either.
So much for solace.