I walked into a church today,
One I wanted to visit for days,
I passed by it, saw the huge doors open
Inviting me in daily, but I just didn’t go in.

I’m a Hindu by religion,
Indian by birth,
I have an older sister,
My mom and my dad obviously.

Why am I telling you this?
Well because I’m everything but
Happy, calm and sorted,
Just angry, irritated and anxious.

They fight, my mom and dad,
They love each other, or maybe they don’t,
But they fight and argue,
They don’t hold back on concern either.

They talk a lot, my sister and him,
The guy she’s seeing but not dating,
The guy she’s serious about but hasn’t met,
She’s always on the phone, sharing every bit of her life.

I entered the church,
Felt nothing, felt the same as usual,
No excitement, disappointment, nothing,
Temples don’t help either.

I love my family, they love me back,
They care and support me, a lot!
I don’t want it most of the times,
It both keeps me alive and suffocates me.

They are always there,
Standing right by me,
If not in person, then by spirit,
Always a call away.

I talk to them every day, thrice,
Twice at least, message my whereabouts,
It’s a habit, a want, a need
To let them know everything about me.

They are fighting now,
I got an email this time,
Not a phone call, nor message,
Mom lied, that she’s got her migraine.

Dad’s left the family WhatsApp group,
Blamed it on the work stress,
But I know better, we all do,
I may be the youngest, but I’m 20.

My sister’s fed up with me,
Well she’s not the only one,
I shout, scream, screech rudely,
Loudly, with no sane reason.

I know I need help,
We all do, for anger,
To love and feel loved,
But it’s never going to happen.

I am a psychology student,
I want to let the world know,
With my research that depression and anxiety,
Can’t be beat with medicines nor by expressing.

My sister’s a Human Rights student,
Who wants to help people,
Support and care for them,
You can’t, nothing will end human suffering.

We are the sole cause of it,
Human suffering, the ones with fuel,
The ones with the extinguisher,
Yet, each time we choose poorly.

My family is broken, ******* up,
It’s surviving on a thin string,
But it won’t break, ever,
We’ll all just drift apart.

I am a lonely deer,
Being chased,
To be killed.  

I am a lonely deer,
Who’s been running for long.

I am a lonely deer,
Who’s beyond exhausted.

I am a lonely deer,
Who is terrified of death.

I am a lonely deer,
Who’s is being chased.

I am a lonely deer,
Who turned to see,
If I was still being chased,
Just to see,
That I was being chased,
By myself, my mind,
Playing tricks,
Fooling me,
Killing me.

I know I don’t have physically visible scars,
But in no way does that mean,
I don’t hurt,
I don’t punish myself.

I freeze in the cold,
Boil in the heat,
Starve in hunger,
Suffer in thirst,
Drench in the rain,
Die with the spice.

I have scars,
All over my soul,
Heart and mind.

Scars,
Those that never heal,
Those that always bleed.

Never say I don’t hurt.
I probably hurt more than you.

She fell in love for the first time,
With the guy who shared her mother-tongue,
She felt every emotion towards him,
The way the leads of the Romantic movies felt,
She got lost in his conversations,
Over thinked everything,
She got up, thinking of him,
Slept, dreaming about him.

Her fragile heart cracked,
When her best friend confessed to liking him,
The friend who made a card for valentines,
While she forgot, lost in her thoughts,
Her best friend, who had a the courage to,
Confess her feelings to his face,
Holding out the card hopefully,
While she stood rooted, broken.

She felt her heart break for the first time,
Just like the female lead did,
When he accepted her best friends card,
And kissed her cheek with a toothy grin,
All while they were happy and she was sad,
As if nothing happened, she gave a smile,
Joining into the group.

Her heart swelled, gut wrenched
A splitting head ache took over her worried mind,
Eyes burning with unshed tears,
It was happening again,
The same feeling she felt,
Like getting lost alone in a desert,
Or stuck alone anywhere,
Alone but among strangers,
All because she felt over-looked,
Again, for the hundredth time this month,
By friends, family and even strangers.

Her hands shivered,
Legs wobbled, Knees almost giving out,
As she carefully walked out,
Away from the celebrations and cheers,
The same that felt utterly lonely,
The one that felt panicky,
She was lost, On her way to recovery,
She got lost again in the darkness, the jealousies,
The feeling of being forgotten, drew her away from
All the brights in her life, straight into the black,
She strayed from the dream to live peacefully.

Stuck in the backseat,
Of the car that you are driving,
Pretty rashly,
Rocking me back and forth,
Left and right,
Bruising me up just the way,
You killed my heart and love,
Averting your eyes away from my fearful ones,
Shushing my cries with the loud stereo,
You continue racing,
Destroying everything in your path,
The exact way you knocked me out,
A million times,
Disabling me to move, run, get away,
Just like right now,
Stuck in the backseat,
Of the car that you are racing,
Unable to jump out,
The mendacious hope holding me back,
That everything would soon be alright,
That you would change and love me,
Cherish me and care for me,
The way you always promise to do.

I want to ask you about Love.
When I say ‘love’ I mean real life love, not the heart racing, clichéd romance.
I want to know how you know it’s love.

I watch a lot of crime shows, documentaries and other stuff.
So much so that there’s a bell that goes off every time I’m anywhere near “love.” Then there is the love that we feel for others in our life.
The love for your parents, siblings, friends and pets.

I still fail to understand what love is and when and how to know if it’s real.
I don’t know if I love my parents.
I miss them everyday, talk to them everyday, yet when
I’m with them, I can’t wait to get away.
It’s the same with everyone else.
Is that what love is?
Is that how being in love feels?

If it is, I don’t know how I feel.
And if it isn’t, then do I not love the people around me?
Does that mean the “I Love You’s”
I throw around so carelessly are empty?

What if I do not find someone I truly love? What if I find someone I love like I love the people around me?
I don’t know which it is I hope is true.

How can I choose between being the person who couldn’t love the people she is closest to or the person who can’t stand to live with the person she loves?

Girl.

My sketch pad, new, empty, unpainted in,
Was somewhere under the pile of stuff,
It’s almost lost, just like my inspiration,
I know where it is, I can point at it,
Just can’t reach it, catch it, box it up in me.

The half empty paint bottles are scattered on the floor,
Right next to the incomplete portrait,
The portrait of the real me,
Pieces missing, face devoid of emotions,
Messing me up, pushing me back into the darkness.

The rain pouring, clearing off the dirt,
On the windows and the world outside,
While I hope something similar happens,
So my insides are cleared, opening me up,
To possibility, to success and failures.

I missed out on a lot of things,
The beauty of the nature, of people,
In happiness, in helping, in kindness,
Something my irritation, frustration and annoyance,
Shielded, perfectly, keeping me out.

The day the portrait is completed,
Is the day I move on, the day I open myself,
The happiest day, the brightest day,
The beginning to my forever, that’s seems lost,
My one true dream!

I kept waiting,
No one came.

I kept hoping,
Nothing changed.

I stopped and
You entered.

I stopped hoping,
You changed everything.

I smiled again,
I lived,
I trusted,
I believed,
I HOPED again.

Then you left,
Dropping me from my high,
I broke more.
I hurt more.
But I cried less.

The night fall, like a predator,
Scares me to stay awake,
Not a blink of sleep,
But abundant tears,
Most of which are reluctant,
To fall, to escape,
Like me they too are afraid.

The dawn however,
Lures me back to sleep,
Like a sweet melodious lullaby,
Taking away all my worries,
Like my mom who sings it,
The nightmares that follow,
Rob me off my trust.

The rude awakening of,
Phone calls from my parents,
Every mid-afternoon,
Leaves me with a blinding headache,
A churning stomach,
A racing heart, a breaking soul,
Snatching my innocence.

The hungry calls of my sister,
Drags me into every evening,
Cooking for dinner, the following,
Day’s breakfast and lunch,
Chop and cooking urging me
To cut my fingers or burn my palms,
Leaving me too weak to go through.

So close to it,
Yet so far.

Heart beating too fast,
While I want it to stop.

Eyes blinking away the tears,
While I want them to rest forever.

So close to it,
Yet so far.

When will it come,
And sweep me away,
Right into oblivion,
Away from the obligations.

I feared the unknown,
Of who’s going to pop out when,
Who’s going to **** who,
These TV shows frighten me no more.

I watch it day and night,
I see them rip out throats and hearts,
The blood gushing out from everything,
I don’t look away, but stare right into the screen.

I was scared of the dark,
The ghost behind me, under the bed,
Or someone ready to attack, misbehave,
I don’t look back anymore.

I walk alone all the time,
In a crowd and in deserted hallways,
Mind flashing glossy grave-like images,
Never fearing pain and death.

Monsters chased me,
Molesters haunted me,
Now I fear neither, instead I wonder,
Would I even cry and beg for them to spare me?

I don’t fear it, respect it, value it,
My death, my life, pain nor happiness,
I feel no joy, no tears, nothing,
Why would I want to be spared then?

I live by the mountains,
With the grass so green,
Sun so bright,
But I don’t feel like I belong.

I go to the sea shore,
With the water so clear,
Where I was born,
I still, just can’t fit in.

I went to a new country,
To start fresh,
To make a home,
Filled with new
Memories and achievements
Yet I still don’t feel home.

Where is my home?
Where will I find it?
When will I finally feel peace?
How much longer do I have to wait?

They say your heart is the size of your fist,
But I don’t understand how such a small thing,
Can bear to stand a million thoughts,
And a million more secrets,
Always stuck inside, without a way out.

They never told me how big my mind would be,
But it’s the same as my heart,
Brimmed with secrets and guilts,
Embarrassments, unshed tears and
Everything I never could appraise.

They never knew about the thousands,
Of unfinished diary entries,
Each time, the same,
Somehow seeming impossible,
To write my mind out.

They didn’t care about the tears,
Which just wouldn’t fall,
No matter how hard I hurt myself,
No matter how much my heart ached,
Leaving me emotionally detached.

They overlooked my wounds,
Those bleeds that never seemed to seize,
Leaving scars in their wake,
Those that never let me forget,
The life I wanted to leave but failed.

Like the clouds,
Her eyes watered.

Like the sirens,
Her ears buzzed.

Like the desert,
Her mouth was parched.

Like on a roller coaster,
Her heart raced.

Like the waves,
Her life staggered.

Like a corpse,
She soon laid dead,
Blood oozing out of her veins,
Like that of a nosebleed.

I go to sleep every night,
Promising to make tomorrow better,
To do all that I want to
Better myself and my life,
And allow myself to be happy.


I wake up each morning,
Once again, making the same
Hollow promises as last night,
To make everything right tomorrow,
Each time failing to act on it.


Every afternoon following,
Leaves me drained,
Irritated and frustrated,
Begging and praying to the God,
I don’t seem to believe in anymore.

Every sip of my evening coffee,
Brings through my head,
Ideas to express myself,
To know my self and help,
Baseless promise with it.

She wasn’t my love
She wasn’t my friend

She wasn’t a stranger
She wasn’t an acquaintance

She’s dead,
Has been for long

But somehow she’s still haunting me,
By living in my writings

Right now,
This very second

Someone is dying
Someone is being born

Someone is crying
Someone is laughing

Someone is graduating
Someone is starting fresh

Someone is being threatened
Someone is being helped

Everywhere you look
And everywhere you don’t
People experience all kinds of things

And now as I sit here,
Luckily have two options
Either to be sad and confused and frustrated
About my situation
Or be thankful and grateful for the chance
I am getting to re-establish.

She has that one breath
Punctual, following the fourth tear
A sharp intake - halting her heart
And vanished her tears.

Years of suppression,
Now an addiction
A cycle unbreakable
A good cry hidden away.

She has that one breath
Ironically killing her
She wished she didn’t
Breathe that one breath.

Last or not
She didn’t care
That one breath
She could go without.