Blemishes on petaled thoughts,
Shadowed whispers press my eyes,
Balancing my expectations
In a poppy field of denial.
Is fate really the inevitable gamble -
Or am I just a thought -
   floating in the ripples of uncertainty.

I’m so tired of who I am,
This isn’t how my life should  be,
The man I feared becoming has finally become  me,
The woman that took my breath away,
Now makes me hold my breath in terror,
I don’t think I can carry on,
If this is my forever.

I have a darkness,
A quiet stealthy darkness,
That resides in the cracks of my soul.
Effortlessly it laces my dreams with its twisted whispers,
It takes sustenance from my values and sharpens it’s teeth on my faith.
Little by little I tempt it out when the world displeases me,
Almost threatening to unleash it as my righteous damnation,
But to free my darkness would be to lose myself,
And I’m not sure I would ever comeback.
So we dance this sickly jig in the shadows of my mind.
Toying with the temptation of power,
Often you can hear me mutter to myself,
Mumbling in a trance,
Reliving what’s happened only this time letting my darkness form the reply,
If you listen closely you will hear the hatred dripping from my lips with every word,
The blackness burning behind my eyes,
Seeing the wrong in everything around me,
My mind fills with grotesque manifestations of torture and demise,
Blood dripping from my gnarled fingers,
The very earth beneath my feet scorched in disgust.
This is when my darkness finds its place,
Comes alive,
Makes me feel more than I’ve ever felt,
Makes me yearn for death and destruction,
It’s intoxicating,
I want to let it course through my veins and consume me,
The temptation becomes almost unbearable,
Until something jerks me back to reality,
A question,
A voice .....
Are you okay, you were mumbling ?

Am I ok ......
I don’t know,
Am I,
The darkness retracts,
Replaced by an emptiness.
Feelings instead of the fight,
And I’m always left with the same thought,
Am I really holding in the darkness,
Or is it the darkness that’s holding in me ?

I never knew I needed you,
And now I’m lost
without you..

My envy is racked with guilt,
Because it’s you that’s suffers,
But me that feels the pain.
In your mind everything is as it should be,
You have no idea of the reality you live in.
As the drool hangs from your chin,
You feel nothing but happiness,
Your body slowly tires and fails,
Yet you relive your fondest memories,
Your happiest times,
All the while I hurt,
I love you,
I do,
But I sit and stare at you -
Hour after hour,
Envious at the paradise you’ve escaped to,
Hating myself for feeling this jealousy,
Blaming you for the loss of the life I had.
As my hours turn to days,
Weeks turn to months.
Feeding you,
Bathing you,
Hating you,
Loving you,
Missing you,
Wanting you,
I wear the guilt of my selfishness,
Like sunburned skin.
Wishing at times you would finally go,
Dreading the day you leave,
When they first told me you had dementia,
I knew it was only a matter of time,
But I never knew the true cost of its toll.
I tell myself that it must be part of the balance,
That we are tipping the scales back for all the wonders that we’ve lived,
Otherwise I couldn’t justify this existence.
I’m glad you’ll never get to read these words,
Not that you’d remember them if you did,
Because no matter how I feel,
I will gladly pay the price for all your wonders,
Because i love you,
And in some small way,
I know it could be me one day.

I fear my thoughts are mere illusions,
Confusions,
Someone else’s conclusions.

Count your blessings,
Say a prayer,
Spit out one and all,
Your one of the survivors where so many others fall.

I am a prison without locks,
Searching indefinitely for that which you are yet to know you need.
The past doesn’t help you,
And the future won’t hold you,
There is no combination,
Or cute illustration,
Words barely justify my existence,
Yet you still yearn for me,
For I thrive in your name,
I am elusive,
From the start to the end,
Too much or too little too late,
You carve my reputation into morsels of greed,
But to know me you must allow me to be freed,
I am exactly that which you need me to be,
Whilst destroying your world with the thought of my presence.

Tomorrows tears are echoes,
Tip toeing through yesterday’s fears,
Fragmented in our dreams.
You must stand strong in your defiance.
Make a choice,
Slay your demons for the right reasons,
To free yourself from your past.
Let the monkey on your back be cast,
So much is still to come,
Eyes lost in the forests depth,
Look up and see the sun shining down through the trees,
It’s not anything around you that requires change,
But a change in your outlook that’s required.
Fill your lungs and strengthen your heart,
Look back on the old you as the new you departs.

Just before 1am On the 14th June 2017, In North Kensington West London - A fire broke out that ravaged a 24 story tower block filled with families who were settled in for the night.
During the hours that pursued , Panic was prevalent and mistakes were made.
72 innocent life’s were lost.

Their story, my words.
written with love, sorrow and respect.

A summers night like any other,
Settled in for the night,
Tv on,
We were having a late one,
Even mum,
Dad with his tea - just the way a family should be.
Same old noises from around the flats,
Distant shouts,
Yells from above,
No doubt a party - just spreading the love.

But this night wasn’t like any other,
The yells I thought were laughter grew louder,
Panicked in a confused chorus,
Footsteps up and down the corridor outside,
I felt an overwhelming urge to hide,
Doors were being banged,
The feeling was intense,
Screaming and shouting under a calm pretence,
FIRE was shouted,
A singular word,
Everything else momentarily blurred,

Dad said he’d sort it,
And went outside to investigate,
Mum didn’t hesitate,
Into the kitchen,
By the balcony door -
She sat me down on the floor.
Don’t worry she said with a look of pure dread,
Never before did I doubt what she said.
Don’t worry son,
There’s no need to fear.
Where’s dad I asked,
Why is he not here,
I want dad with us,
It’s ok she said
He’ll be sorting things out,
Just like he said.

It was at 12.50am when the fire is believed to of started. A resident found his fridge freezer on fire and raised the alert.
The fire brigade were called. The first fire crew entered at 1.07am, 17mins after the fire was discovered.
At 1.08 the fire had breached the window and within minutes ignited the external panels outside the flat.

I’m scared mum, why’s everyone screaming,
I wished I was dreaming,
Sat there scared on the floor
Mum just stared vacant watching the door,


At 1.15am the fire had spread to the flat above.
The fire brigade called for back up. The flames spread up the outside of the building to the roof at a terrifying rate, burning behind the waterproof panels which made it impossible to get the water from the hoses at it.
By 1.35am 20 pumps were active on site. At this point the ambulance service were called in.

“Where’s dad” I cried,
Has he died ?
“Don’t be ridiculous” mum said
But she knew full well the fire had spread,
Thick grey smoke blew outside the window,
Right then in that moment was the epitome of limbo,

We couldn’t leave,
We couldn’t stay,
The smoke was spreading like hastened decay,

Then I saw a man,
As if in slow motion,
It was so surreal,
I felt void of emotion,
He fell past the window,
We were on the 15th floor,
I had no sense of myself anymore.

Our flat was filling with smoke,
I started to choke,
Dad wasn’t back,
Mum quietly spoke -
I need you to listen, It’s important - she said,
Put this wet towel over your head,
Stay on the floor and try not to worry,
I’m going to find dad but I’ll be back in a hurry.

How many parents were torn between protecting their loved ones and going for help,
How can you choose what to do when there’s no time to think about it,
When everything around you is falling apart and filling with smoke.
Your family trapped in a flat that’s burning from the outside in.

I was too scared to move,
With my towel on the floor,
I managed to peep out so I could watch the door,
Any minute now mum and dad would be back,
I tried to stay awake,
But everything was going black.
I tried to listen ,
To hear for their voice,
I wanted to wait but I didn’t have a choice,
Everything went silent,
It was my time to go,
I did try to wait,
I pray that they know.

Grenfell Tower burned for 60hrs on that fateful night.
72 died, 223 escaped and thousands were affected.
Residents were given the wrong advice, some fatefully told to stay in their flats, others died trying to get to safety. Some jumped from sheer desperation.
Many children lost their life that night, the youngest was only 6months old.

The ultimate cause of the fire becoming so fierce and spreading so quickly was due to the illegal cladding that was used to cover the exterior, which ultimately carried the fire.
So many people failed in their responsibility,
So many people failed in their actions,
And 72 people were ultimately failed.

God rest their souls.

I close my eyes to visualise my baby smiling down,
That gentle touch I love so much,
Thats no more to be found,
I close my eyes to feel the tenderness of her caress,
But each time that I close my eyes the realness echoes less,

Every hour of every day I wait with bated breath,
In some alternate universe I still deny her death,
Miracles can happen cos I’ve seen them on the web,
God please grant me a miracle and tell me she’s not dead.

Death has made a grave mistake and taken the wrong soul,
How can this be right - when it’s the wrong one that it’s stole,
Life had better fix this and grant me a reprieve,
Or another soul of innocence,
Death will soon receive.

I believe in fairytales,
In karma, fate and fortune,
In angels wings and dragon skins,
In the cleansing winds of autumn,
I believe in our capacity to change the way we are,
To recognise the guise of truth amongst the repertoire.    
I believe that there’s a beauty hidden in the things we hate,
And a sadness within honesty  that creates our greatest trait,
But most of all,
Above all else,
I believe in a place for me,
Where everything makes sense,
And I can finally be free.

Free your hate from those that hurt you,
Lift yourself above,
Spend your time on those deserving,
For only they deserve your love.

Smokey bars and lucid scars
Muted truths,
Memories of a distant youth,
Stolen scenes from magazines,
Amphetamines,
Walking in on adult scenes.
Old enough to run away,
Hopeless born out of decay,
Wise enough to see the wrong,
Write a poem,
Sing a song.
The smell of cigarettes and whisky still disarm,
The shiny glint from razor blades still holds a tempting charm,
They’re  the voices of my troubled youth,
Trying to pull me down,
The circus i escaped from,
Pining for it’s clown.

Dance softly through the wild stares of the obtuse,
Stagnant in their lacking,
Cracking up and jacking off,
Listen as they scoff,
Mistaking cracks for tracks to tax the backs of those that bare their failures,
The yet to be saviours,
The sons and daughters who’ll become the authors of the failings that they see.
Those cursed lessons that will shape who they will be,
No more a future can I wish to see,
The blood of our generation,
Dripping with desperation at the separation of every nation,
Damnation crying out for salvation.
History will show the choices we’ve played,
Centuries will be weighed under the shadows we’ve made.
Let lessons be borne,
Stuck like the pages of procrastinating ****,
Promises sworn under beguiling scorn,
I shall mourn for the life that I wished had been born.

Dad, dad the sky’s fallen asunder,
Be at peace my child for its only thunder,
Dad, dad the earth starting to break,
No my child - It’s just an earth quake,
Dad, dad the oceans are dying,
No little one,
It’s the world that is drying,
Dad, dad why does man **** animals,
Because some people have barely evolved from being cannibals,
Dad, dad why are children abandoned
I’m afraid man’s forgotten the 7th commandment,
Dad, Dad what can I do,
My innocent child,
Be the best version of you,
But Dad will that ever change what’s become,
If it means you feel worthy,
Then it’s enough my son,
So tell me dad,
What did you do,
I surrendered myself,
The day I had you.

This ones for you -
The opportunistic optimists,
The pragmatist,
The “we don’t have the money but here’s a kiss”
Those that always feel their on the run,
Who get excited when they see the sun,
Those who need nothing to have some fun,

Those who don’t make their own meals,
Cos the kids leftovers are always for steals,
Those who have ideas as opposed to ideals,

Those who are thankful for life,
Who have learned to survive,
Who are happy to walk whilst others drive,
Whose natural default is to thrive,

Those who appreciate the small stuff,
Whose childhood was more than rough,
Who have perfected the art of a bluff,
Who don’t really own much stuff,

So this is to those that I call real people,
Who rarely see themselves as equal,
Who regardless of circumstances are always cheerful,
Who wake up facing a daily upheaval,

This is to you to say my thanks,
Because you raise us up to be like tanks,
To protect what’s important by closing ranks,
To be naturally aware of whose on our flanks,

So this is to us,
The working masses,
Because we’re the backbone of the upper classes,
We have a go and take our chances,
So to all of us - let's raise our glasses.

As I peer over the edge of this cliff,
Into uncertainty,
The bile rises in my throat,
It’s familiarity a truthful testament to my existence,
Teetering on the edge.
No one sees the strings attached behind me,
The other ends lost in the hands of the incapable,
Ironic that the only power they hold,
Is ultimately all the power I depend on,
Loosen their grip and I slide closer to the depths of desolation,
If they pull together then I’ll be saved,
But they aren’t aware of the limbo they influence,
So focused on their greed they don’t see my strings in their hands,
Every waking hour I recite words of encouragement,
Support,
I lend an ear,
Offer a shoulder,
Plead and profess in the hope they will listen,
But I’m fighting blind,
All the time my eyes are focused on the darkness below that reaches for me.
I don’t even see those that I try in vain to command,
Some days my confidence sustains me,
They listen,
Pull me back from the edge,
Give me moments of peace and fragments of relief,
Then they drown my voice in their petty squabbles and loosen their grip,
I slip,
The bile returns and I find myself teetering once again.
I don’t know why I haven’t lost it,
Jumped into the void just to save my own remnants of sanity,
Often I think it would be better to deal with the darkness that awaits,
Than wrestle with the insanity of fools,
Maybe I’m the biggest fool,
For allowing myself to be tied to the end of a madman’s noose,
It no longer  matters how I ended up here,
Only how long I can live with it.
If I didn’t care I would of jumped long ago,
But I do,
And that’s my kryptonite,
That why I’m scared to scream at the insolent,
To command my requests in words they can’t mistake,
Because if there’s a chance to coax a rescue,
To wrestle a reprieve from the minds of my ignorant masters,
Then I’ll fight for it.
But it’s hard,
Every second of every hour of every day,
It’s hard to be this puppet,
With a painted smile and a funny dance,
I make my watchers laugh,
Never will they know what is happening on the other end of my strings,
They’ll never even see them,
No one else know how little control I have,
And why should they,
I’m a puppet on a string,
And I invited the puppeteers,
You want to know the real kicker,
I have scissors,
I could cut my strings at anytime,
I’m not scared to fall,
I’m scared to give up.
Fallings easy,
For the weak,
I refuse to fall,
Regardless of who holds my strings,
I refuse to fall.

When I look at you,
I see my eyes,
We share our truths and hide our lies,
When you laugh I feel the laughter too,
When you cry known that I’m crying with you,
Because your my sister,
Your my soul,
Your a part of me that makes me whole,
A million miles or across the street,
We’ll always share the same heart beat,
It doesn’t matter where you go,
Or what you choose to do,
Our bond is unconditional,
As is my love for you.

Breath of fresh air they called you,
About time he met a good women they said,
Help straighten his head,
Keep his **** out of bed.
But my brother was fine,
He didn’t need saving,
But you knew that.
It was you that was craving.
You had the curves and the looks,
It didn’t take much,
I knew when I met you that day,
That you’d take him away,
Lead him astray.
There was a look in your eyes,
A control in your actions,
Difficult to see,
Because you were the distraction,
We hardly saw him those first few weeks,
Mum said he was in love,
I wasn’t convinced,
She’d jump when the phone went,
But when she answered she’d wince,
Weeks turned to months,
Then mum got a call,
You turned up an hour later,
Your were the same but .... seemed small,
You’d had a fight,
You ate and you slept,
Mum wept,
She knew the signs,
Those thin bruised lines,
Like Scarlett vines,
Choking a shrine.
You were using,
Abusing,
Boozing and confusing and saying you were sorry but.....
I could see the worry.
You listened but didn’t hear,
She saw guilt but I saw fear,
You got angry and left,
It was a clever theft,
Mum never said but I knew she was shaken,
She’d of given if you’d asked,
It was what you did,
Not what you’d taken.
I came to see you one night,
Found the address in mums book,
Number 12 I took,
Knocked on the door and she looked shocked I was there,
She didn’t care,
Said you were out so I asked to come in,
Asked where you’d been,
She’d gotten much thinner,
And had sores on her skin.
She told me to go,
I shouted your name,
The words left my lips aching in pain,
“My brothers on drugs and your to blame,”
She called me insane,
Slammed the door,
I remember rain.
I walked home that night and the rain hid my tears,
I never told mum of my trip,
Or my fears,
But I will one day,
I’m not sure when,
Because I don’t think I’ll ever -
See my brother again.

I will gladly bare your cross,
To be forced to take a knee,
I will shoulder your loss,
Because your pain will set me free,
Let your rage become my sorrow,
If it lets you see tomorrow,
I will gladly bare your cross,
So you can see.

I’ll be steadfast in defence,
To let you breathe,
I’ll be your seventh sense,
Your last reprieve,
Let me return the love you gave,
I’ll be the one that’s brave,
I’ll be steadfast in defence,
To set you free.

My beliefs are not yours to decry,
My choices have never been yours to defy
I am the fear that brings your reply,
Born from a fire that will not die,
My existence isn’t for you to judge,
What I stand for isn’t yours to begrudge,
No longer a slave to this tedious drudge,
For my will is too strong for you to budge.
You can witness my rise from where you stand,
You can feel my flames burn through this land,
For all that I do has long been planned,
Since I was ripped from the wombs of your ******.

I’ll survive,
Maybe not the complete person I once was,
Maybe not with all my strength,
But I will survive,
Maybe not unscathed,
Maybe with a few more scars upon my skin,
But I will survive,
Maybe more cautious than I once was,
Maybe less trusting than I want to be,
But I will survive,
Maybe with regrets for not leaving sooner,
Maybe with an air of ‘What if’s”
But I will survive,
Maybe I’ll never get back what you’ve taken,
Maybe I’ll never find my happily ever after,
But I will survive,
Maybe with the knowledge of who you have made me,
Maybe with the acceptance of who you’ve forced me to become,
But I will survive,
Maybe I’m the result of my own ignorance,
Maybe I’m the proof of my own denial,
But I will survive,
Maybe I’ve already accepted my fate,
Maybe I know exactly what awaits me,
Because I will survive,
Maybe in cuffs and chains,
Maybe denied of freedom,
But I’ll be free,
Because I will of survived.

Every lie incurs a debt to the truth,
Oppression runs down the cheeks of our children,
For what is greatness when built on the foundations of weakness,
What is progress when it’s cost is greater than its accomplishments,
Every domino accelerates the damage,
Voices are silenced,
Honesty gets mistaken for betrayal,
The sacrifice of one can save the lives of the many,
But are you willing to be that one,
To leave a grieving wife,
For your children to grow up fatherless,
The sacrifice of the one - is a sacrifice of many,
What is the blind perseverance to never admit mistakes,
It doesn’t show strength or determination,
Only arrogant denial at the cost of a nation,
And even when the castles crumble,
And their walls lay waste in the seas of time,
Even then those responsible take no responsibility,
Even then the red blood of the innocent stains the steps of their red sanctuary,
Even then the world looks on in wonder,
What is this lunacy we call law and order,
When the orders are given by those that create the law.
I apologise for the daily desecration of my people,
I look on in hope that a brighter day will come,
And I pray that somewhere there is a justice,
For all of this.

Darkness danced in the glow of her aura,
She shouldn’t be here,
Alone and unguarded,
She knew better than to wander this dimension alone,
But the call was too strong to ignore,
Her heart yearned,
Like a fire burning through her soul,
She was needed,
Her healing was needed,
Being called with dying breathes,
Time was short,
She ran desperate into the darkness,
Wide eyes scanning for that familiar sight,
Off in the distance she saw what she had been looking for,
That unmistakeable mass of muscle and sinew,
Armoured spikes and wings the size of sails,
Her dragon was dying,
She didn’t have long,
Minutes maybe,
Her presence sent calming to him,
Her song numbed his pain,
What had happened,
Why was he here,
No time for questions,
She leant against his thick marbled hide,
Whispered the words of her incantation,
It was done,
Whether it was enough,
Only time would tell,
But she was here,
What ever happened from here on in,
He wouldn’t be alone,
His ruby eye narrowed on her,
The connection caused her to illuminate slightly,
He exhaled a wind that could wipe out an army,
His gaze softened,
And he was gone,
She trembled,
Flickered,
And her glow faded to darkness.
It was the way,
Linked for eternity,
Or lost together forever.
Time had beaten them,
And now they must start again,
Spending a life time transcending the dimensions,
In search for one another,
For only the speed of their journey,
Could end this perpetual cycle.

Take a step back and relax,
What’s the worst that’s going to happen,
That we’ll all fall apart,
We don’t know where to start,
Or that we’ll continue in the exact same fashion,
The pressure your feeling is yours,
And it’s weight is taking its toll,
The worry and dread,
That exists in your head,
Is your perception getting out of control.
Your not helping any of us,
By running yourself into the ground,
So stop making such a fuss,
And stop all this running around,
I know to the lengths that you’ve been,
To be there for all that need you,
But your spreading yourself far too thin,
And your going to end up shot through,
So please,
Just take a step back
Take as long as you need,
I promise the world will not crack,
And we won’t crumble and bleed.

As I walk this path,
With its winding turns and twisted intent,
I can’t help but keep glancing behind.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for,
Maybe checking that nothings creeping up on me,
Maybe hoping to see something that I’ve lost,
Or someone,
Or maybe I just like the familiarity of my past,
I look to the side and see a vastness,
Shapes and colours,
It kind of blurs as I push on so I slow down,
The shapes take forms,
Strangers,
Some vaguely familiar,
**** - I’ve walked straight of the path,
My feet are covered in some dark sticky stuff,
The more I try and kick it off the more mess I get in,
What to do,
If I walk back I’ll waste time,
But I’m not sure if I’ll pick up the path by carrying on ahead,
I’m walking to the side to cut onto the path and still go forward,
I refuse to go back,
I’ve spent too much of my life back tracking,
Where’s this **** path,
Let me get to this tree and see past it,
Whoooaa,
Who are you,
You look lost,
Your welcome to follow me,
I’m heading back to the path,
I’m sure it’s up ahead,
Just keep up,
We must be close,
This is definitely familiar,
There it is,
Yes,
See I told you,
Hey -
Where did he go,
At least I’ve found the path,
But now I’ve lost too much time,
I need to speed up,
Now I’m motoring,
All these twists look the same,
Exactly the same,
Wait a minute,
**** it - I’m running the wrong way,
This isn’t  good - there must be a short cut,
I wish I’d just gone back the first time I got lost,
Wait,
Will you look at that,
The black stuff on my feet has left footprints,
I could of just followed them back to the path,
Truth is I didn’t even notice them,
To busy stressing about being lost,
So frustrating,
I give up,
I’m stopping,
I’ve had enough,
What’s the point,
I’m staying here,
Im Just going to sit here quite happy,
Chilling,
Bored,
Suppose I should move really,
I’m not achieving anything,
Right,
Let’s stick to the path this time,
Wait,
This is where I started ,
Your joking,
What is the point of any of this,
This time I’m doing it properly,
Paying attention,
Eyes down,
Concentrate,
Why did I even leave,
All this for what,
Because I wasn’t happy where I was,
I wish I’d stayed,
Now I’m lost,
And I don’t even know where I’m going,
It better be good when I get there,
Wherever there is,
Can’t be any worse than where I’ve been.
Maybe I’d be better going back,

Make your peace,
Don’t waste your efforts  -
Trying to make it disappear,
Embrace your fear,
For you are your past,
Your present and future,
All your journeys mould your path,
Hell hath......,
No fury,
But surely,
It must of known it - to deny it,
Try it,
Look in the mirror and see yourself,
count to twelve,
Then say hello,
To the you that you didn’t really know.

We live in an era of progressive construction,
Evolved through destruction,
Enticed by seduction,
Technological  progression,
Through corporate aggression,
Natures regression is the muted confession,
I want to be freed,
From this gravitas of greed
I want more hope,
Than this slippery *****,
I’d like to relax but I’m watching for cracks,
I’d like a breath that’s not tainted with death.
Don’t look at me through hidden eyes,
You see the reality of living these lies,
I know theres a need to demonstrate hope,
But a hangman doesn’t pretend there’s no rope.
The truth can be damning,
For real it can hurt,
But our generation must acknowledge and assert,
That all of the good and all of the change,
Is only the start of what needs rearranged,
So listen and learn,
Don’t leave it to others,
Its my call to arms,
To my sisters and brothers,
Let’s do more than what we have done,
Silent no more,
For no more shall we run.

I bet your beds comfy,
I imagine it smells of flowers and vanilla,
Or just the smell of clean,
And you have pillows,
Big soft voluptuous pillows,
And sheets,
Clean sheets.
I could sleep forever in a bed like that,
Literally forever,
And I bet you don’t even think about it,
Because it’s just a bed to you,
And it is,
Id probably cry if I could climb into like that everyday,
I’d cry if I could climb in for one day,
An hour or two,
The comfort would be amazing but -,
probably too comfortable for someone like me,
I’m used to the cardboard thats under me,
And Im quite attached to the bag that I sleep in,
Even the smell settles me,
And trust me when I tell you -
It’s not flowers or vanilla !
The noises of the night are my lullabies,
And the crisp cut of the cold keeps me alert,
Keeps me safe,
You probably wouldn’t understand,
But I’m glad of that,
A bed would be nice,
The comfort would be nicer,
But it’s the home that it’s in that makes it special,
A comfy bed - that’s safe, in a house,
A home,
Secure,
Free from the fear of a random threat,
That’s why you can sleep so well in your comfy bed,
Because your safe,
Because your free to sleep,
Where as my sleep can cost me dearly,
If I fall asleep I can lose the little that I have,
Even the shoes off my feet,
If I fall asleep I could be woken with a kick or a punch,
If I fall asleep,
I might not wake up at all,
So your bed is comfy and would be nice,
But it’s the fact you can sleep freely which is special,
So treasure your bed,
Enjoy your sleep,
And be thankful for your freedom.
I’m not jealous ,
I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone,
I don’t even wish it on myself but I accept it,
If I fought it I wouldn’t be here now.
All I ask is that -
Next time you see a homeless person,
Remember a little kindness goes along way.
Life’s a funny ****** -
There was a time when I had a comfy bed,
In a nice loving house,
There was a time when I would look at the homeless I passed in the street,
Never once imagining that the cardboard mattress next to them was reserved for me
So sleep well good people,
Treasure what yo have because time is fleeting,
Good fortune is a gift,
When you climb into your bed tonight,
Stop for a second to appreciate it,
Just ..... appreciate it for me,
Because I can’t.
Not right now anyway,
But hey -
It is what it is.

I’ll shave my head,
I’ve not much hair,
But I’ll shave my head because I care.
I’ll shave my head to be like you,
I’ll shave my head because you would too.
It’s only hair and I know it matters,
But it’s only hair.
It’s not all that flatters -
Because when I look at you -
I don’t see hair,
When I look at you, you catch my stare -
Because your as beautiful right now -
as the day that we first met.
And today I love you more than then ,
Of that you need not fret,

So I’ll shave my head with a smile on my face,
And I’ll shave my head with abandoned grace,
Because all that matters is that we’re ok,
So save your blushes for another day.

Let the lions roar,
For the deaf can’t hear and the rest choose not to listen,
There’s no sense anymore,
When a child’s tears are all that glistens,
Abandoned and forsaken,
Too much pain and too much wrong,
Hope savagely taken,
How much longer can this go on,
Have you done anything to help this plight,
Have you done anything but avert your sight,
The smallest kindness means more than you realise,
Open your heart to the sound of their cries,
It doesn’t take much to help make a difference,
All that it takes is and end to this ignorance,
How much are **** or a bottle of coke,
A pound from each person sounds like a joke,
But still it would make a missive impact,
Still it would start to improve the fact,
That too many kids are homeless today,
Because too many of us turn the other way.

This is the story of the Central Park 5

Background.
5 young black boys who were picked up in Central Park 1989, after a white female jogger was ***** and left for dead. They were among over 30 youths in the park that night, they were also the youngest.

Antron McCray, Kevin Richardson, Yusef Salaam and Raymond Santana - All under the age of 16
And Korey Wise who was 16 at the time and who only went to the police station to keep his friend Yusef company.
Other than Corey and Yusef, they boys had never even seen each other before the night of their arrests.

The boys were coaxed into signing a Miranda card that waives their right to representation,
They were bullied and coerced during interrogation, into signing false statements, without their parents or any guardian present,
Corey, who remained in the station for Yusef, was later pulled in by detectives who needed someone to make the story fit. Suffering with both hearing and learning difficulties he was the perfect patsy for the police to force into a false confession.
The boys were all found guilty despite the lack of any DNA or physical evidence placing them at the scene, All but Corey were detained as juveniles for 5-10 years, whilst Corey was tried as an adult and sentenced to 15 years in an adult prison.
he spent the majority of his sentence in isolation to escape the beatings and abuse for a crime he didn’t commit.

Injustice -
When every bone in your body is screaming out your innocence,
yet the world has you on mute.
The hope that tortures you everyday, waiting for someone to hear you, believe you and
set you free.
How long before that hope fades, how long before the last glimmers of light extinguish , how long before you sink into the dark places that you can never fully come back from.

“Their story - My words”
Written with love and respect.

It’s the narrative that leads the pack,
Change that - and watch them stutter,
A verdict is more addictive than crack,
Whilst the truth melts away like butter.
The lies and scheming  - leading us screaming,
To a sentence we didn’t  deserve,
An innocent teen can ever be seen,
If justice has lost its nerve.

Politics reign over the rules of the game,
The scales have lost their balance,
Democracy has taken flight,
With  innocence in its talons,
It’s never about only us  in chains,
Not of prejudice and pride,
Our fathers and mothers,
Sisters and brothers,
Are imprisoned on the outside,

What have they created,
Other than hatred,
The voice of what’s right sounds so wrong
Our downfall is imminent,
They lock up the innocent,
The resistance to change is too strong.

There’s no adverts for convicted,
Our fate was predicted,
No Vacancies found for the lost,
They created us guilty,
It’s their hands that are filthy,
But they’ll never know the true cost.

So what are we supposed to do,
We’re free for sure - but free for who,
We can’t escape the stares or guilty whispers,
No matter where we’re always seen,
As guilty kids from that tragic scene,
We’re a haunted story played out in tainted pictures.

we can never be like you
We’ll always be last in the queue
We’ll never get to leave this social prison,
Victims of forced circumstance,
A twisted chance  of happenstance .
They took our chance away so none would listen,

What’s done is done - they’d made up their mind,
Irrelevant of what they’d find,
Once started they never turn back,
So our story is thus -
That when they see us,
It’s the narrative that leads the pack,
—————————-
Corey went up for parole several times, but part of the process is the verbal acceptance of your guilt for 5e sentenced being served. Corey wouldn’t confess to the crime he didn’t commit. After several rejected hearings Corey stopped going.
In 2002 Corey and the 4 boys were exonerated after the confession of a fellow inmate ‘Matias Reyes’ stated that he acted alone. DNA backed this up.
Corey was released and the 5 eventually won $41million in damages,
To this day the 5 men acknowledge that money can never give them what they lost.
Justice took them from themselves, now they must spend the rest of their lives being who they are.

she ran her fingers down his cheek,
And across his weathered shoulder,
in and out of the holes in his t shirt,
down his emancipated arms,
tracing the track marks with her fingernail,
there was a fresh plaster today,
that made 4,
4 pieces of tape holding his arm together
she felt loss for the fallen pieces of her man,
soon he would have more plaster than skin,
she wanted to chuckle at the thought of her plaster man,
but she didn’t have the energy,
they hadn’t eaten today,
she couldn’t remember if she’d eaten yesterday either,
An open can of cider lay on the floorboards next to her mattress,
At least she’d  had something she thought to herself,
there was an odour in the air,
a off smell,
she thought she recognised it but...
couldn’t quite focus on it,
It’s familiarity danced in the background of her thoughts,
“what’s the smell”
she asked,
“hey”
she summoned what energy she had and nudged him,
“wake up lover” she half spoke,
half slurred,
“hey” she said again,
She tried to concentrate on when he’d last got high,
she couldn’t think of when she’d last got high,
She knew she’d been asleep,
“Wake up”
She threw her arm over his shoulder and pulled him over towards her,
His eyes were open,
His mouth was open..
All at once she remembered that smell,
Suddenly she remembered everything,
In that moment,
She was left with nothing,
Nothing but the recognition of what death smelt like.

If I die tomorrow there’s some things I wish to say,
Because if I die tomorrow,
Then I only have today,

To my wife, my friend, my soulmate,
Your everything that’s pure,
Each day you give me all of you,
And the next you give me more.
You never judge or hold a grudge,
16 years we’ve never fought,
If I could pull the best bits from myself,
They’d be the ones that you have taught.
Know how much I love you,
For I’m just a simple man -
That loves you with completeness,
For it’s made me who I am,
Everyday I’ve spent with you
Has been a day above,
I’m not sure I deserve you,
Let alone deserve your love,
But said and done,
You are the one,
I fell for - with all my being,
No matter where I may end up,
It’ll be you my eyes keep seeing.
.......
And now my children,
This is tough,
Not something I’ve rehearsed,
Even just the thought of You’s,
And my heart is fit to burst,
I always wanted children,
I always wanted you,
I was blessed to have a daughter,
Then my son was gifted too,
Your growing up so quickly,
I’m so proud of who you are,
It doesn’t matter where I go,
My love is never far,
There aren’t the words to tell you both,
What you mean to me,
One day when your parents,
Maybe then you both will see,
Always do your best in life,
And always love each other,
Always know I love you both,
And watch over your mother.
........
For if I die tomorrow,
And I only have today
If my time has come,
And I’m not able to stay,
Know that I die happy,
For all you’ve given me,
Know that I die happy,
Let that thought be all you see.

Tiny tears,
Skin almost translucent
The other kids would call her names,
So she spent her life playing truant,
She couldn’t cope,
She lost all hope
And pleaded to the sky,
She banged her fists,
Didn’t want to exist,
Wished that she could die.
In that moment -
time stood still,
And everything made sense,
She was flooded with a light of truth,
Pure and so intense,
It told her what she’d always known,
Like a distant echoed song,
She remembered what she’d long forgot -
..........She was an angel all along.

Oh brother - why do you shun me so,
For I’m the truth you want no one to know,
I’m the bitter to your sickly sweet,
The ravaged attack of your feeble defeat.
I am the darkness in your light,
I am the blind that covets your sight,
I am the sinner that loves to sin,
Whilst your the one who strives to win.
You would not survive without my existence,
For I am the hand that offers resistance,
Without my dark you wouldn’t know light,
I give you the day but I rule the night.
Deny as you must but make no mistake,
This coexistence will never break,
We take the opposite of what we give,
In order for us both to live.
Because you need me as I need you,
For I can’t lie unless your true,
But do not think that this brings peace,
Nor expect my chaos to cease,
For I would gladly be without you,
But that is something I could never do.
I need your light to to create my dark,
Which is we why can never exist apart .

Where is the line,
You know the one,
The line from which you start your judgement,
Because let’s be honest,
You only go back far enough to prove your cause,
The history is heresy to you,
Looking through naive little yes,
You don’t even see half the picture,
Worst is - you don’t want to.
As long as you can see far enough to call me guilty,
And what about your past transgressions ?
Sorry,
Your off limits,
Your twisted little hypocrisy works for you does it,
Let’s you sleep soundly in your dumb little bed,
With your dumb little ideals,
May god have mercy on your moments of weakness,
I hope when your judgement comes,
It’s with the same blind stubbornness that you’ve shown me,
We all have a past,
I can’t change it,
I can’t condone it -
I own it - That’s it,
It part of me and who I am.
Go find someone that meets your expectations,
What you want is a good little slave,
That will take your ******* and make you feel special,
Your pathetic and I’m not playing your game anymore,
Get a grip,
Get a life,
And get to ****.

Sometimes my heart stops at the sight of my children,
Mostly when they’re unaware I’m watching,
The emotion crawls  up the back of my head,
then reaches round and stabs me in the heart,
It chokes a lump into my throat,
Emotion in its purest form,
It’s fear that’s behind it,
Fear that i can’t give my children what they deserve,
Fear that I can’t protect them every hour of every day,
And because of that something terrible could happen in my absence,
And then I could never live with myself,
Then those thoughts run away with themselves and suddenly I’m on the verge of tears,
Or maybe it’s just fear of not being able to contain the amount of love they create in my soul,
Because their mine,
They’re me - every look every feature every bone,finger nail,hair, skin every single molecule,
And sometimes it’s feels like each of those pieces are being ripped from my body anew,
It’s an innate need to want them near me all the time,
And they don’t want to be because they’re at that age,
And that fills me with pride at how much they’re growing up,
And that pride starts to creep up the back of my head again,
It’s an amazing, devastating , frustratingly educating, celebrating, elevating altogether rejuvenating thing to be a parent.
I might get angry, I might want to cry, I’m always laughing and I never stop being proud of my kids,
They’re everything,
There my reason for doing,
and my reason for not,
They’re purpose itself,
They’re innocent,
And honest - well most of the time,
But they’re mine,
And they’re everything and all I need.

My child it is not you at fault ,
These feelings are not yours,
This situation isn’t yours to fear,
You have a special gift that means you feel what others feel,
Especially when others get too near,
The tears you cry,
The eyes you dry,
The blame you take on board
Emotions that I wish you never knew,
But even though it pains me so to see all that you feel,
I know that it’s a special part of you.

Theres only so many words in a day,
To tell you how I feel,
I wish I could capture the sand of time -
     for precious seconds to steal,
I’m facing my own morality,
I know my death is near,
Its a feeling that I can’t escape,
Contrived of grief and fear,
All the things I should of done,
The amount of time I’ve wasted,
So many years of hiding myself,
When I should of been running naked,
My stubborn tongue and foolish mind,
Have cost me so so dear,
All those wasted moments,
Seem so petty - lying here,
Take my eyes,
Forgo my cries and feel my fear of dying,
For it asks of me the same as you,
- How hard have we been trying ?
I don’t want to die,
I’m scared of goodbye,
I’ve no time to find my peace,
I need so much more time than this,
To forgive myself at least,
I never realised how lucky I was,
I’ve abused the time I was given,
The thoughts I ignored that scream at me now,
If only I had listened,
They say I’ve days,
Maybe a week,
My body’s lost it’s fight,
I’m scared to go to sleep in case it is my last goodnight,
Write a letter,
Leave a note,
That’s what somebody said,
Immortalise my final words,
To be cherished when I’m dead,
But that’s the point that no one sees,
I don’t care what I leave behind,
Life carries on regardless of the pain that people find,
I need to stay another day,
Then another day there after,
I need to feel more love and hate,
More cries and tears off laughter
I have to see the sunset and take a final dip in the sea,
See the truth of all I’ll be missing,
Please just let me be,
How can I say goodbye to you all,
When I’m so not ready to leave,
Clinging to hope as I’m laying here,
Wishing for my reprieve,
If there is a god or mighty power,
I beg of you exemption,
I’ll change my ways forever more,
If you grant me my redemption.

Who new a piece of paper -
Could carry the weight of my woes.

I was but a child when my heart first spilt,
Words in the back of a notebook,
There was no media back then,
Only paper and pen,
No one to show,
But it wasn’t for show,
I wasn’t  aware it was even for me,
So i missed the first time ....... that my feelings could see.

I filled that notebook with haste,
Poems of a younger self,
25 years ago,
Back then I didn’t know,
Didn’t understand the point of those feelings,
I had now idea that  those poems were healing.

Then I entered a time of release,
I wanted it all,
For years I rebelled,
Nothing withheld,
........But I didn’t write,
Lazy days and party nights,
Everything felt alright,
There was no need to write,

But those days were short - looking back,
Now i know who I am,
These years have wisened my mind,
It’s a quieter place I find,
Writing keeps an order,
Creates a silent border,
Between whats real and what could be,
Im indebted to what it gives me,

The healing of the act,
From thought to write to read,
Is such a positive impact,
That helps so much be freed,

If only that young boy had realised,
All those years back then,
The strength of his piece of paper,
And the power of his pen.

Inside my mind I sometimes find a little piece of hope confined,
Confined amongst the chains of woe that struggle not to let it go,
Go and show me why your here,
Here to stand against my fear,
Fear that tries to extinguish me,
Me against the world I see,
See my strength in this defiance,
Defiance I take to create an alliance,
Alliance of strength to continue this fight,
Fight for the things that I often write,
Write my life on papers true,
True am I that calls to you,
You my hope that shines so bright,
Bright enough to give me light.

I sweat when I’m nervous,
Its my trait,
Not by choice,
Anxious,
My fate.

When I’m first to show,
Last or out smarted,
Just the thought of being anxious,
Means that it’s started

Sweats come,
Mouth drys,
Run away,
Want to cry,

Mop my brow,
How,
No tissue,
Big issue,
Some one speaks so I have to react,
Retract,
Will they see me sweat,
Think I’m weird,
It’s everything I’ve ever feared.

Deep breaths,
Need to stop muttering,
Eyes wide,
Don’t start stuttering,
Sweaty pits,
Can you see,
Please no,
Why me,

Wrong colour shirt,
Feel hurt.
Make an excuse,
Need to leave,
Reprieve,
Could say somethings happened,
Terribly bad,
Play the  part,
Look sad.

Say I’m unwell,
They’ll think I’m mad,
They don’t know me,
My bad,
My life
My struggle
Too many feelings to juggle.

Moan,
Feel so alone -  in this crowd
Why am I here,
Fear
Maybe it’s too soon
Too loud.

Deep breath - stay calm,
Happy thoughts,
Sweaty palms,
Run away,
I must not,
...............
I’m only at the bus stop.

I yearn for the quiet to hide my scars,
A cloak of confidence gifted from the darkest corners,
It offers itself from most places-  if you know where look,
The corner of the room,
The back of the crowd,
Or last in the queue,
My mantra is to be unnoticed and uninvited,
I steer clear of gatherings
Crowds unsettle me,
I live for the solace the silence brings,
I learnt long ago that out of sight is out of mind,
You cannot hit what isn’t there,
Or threaten a vacant space,
Don’t get me wrong - Evil still calls,
And when It does you better believe,
I come running like a loyal servant,
This chameleon that I’ve been forced to be -
Brings its own gifts,
Mine is the ability to sense trouble before it occurs,
It’s hidden in the tone of a voice,
The twitch of an eyebrow or the narrowing of the eyes,
It’s my warning to get out - to hide,
Melt into the back ground and avoid the situation,
But occasionally there’s no where to run,
Sometimes there’s no where to hide,
Then I switch to my defences,
Fast thinking to talk about anything to calm the threat,
Showering compliments and promises to appease my master,
All the while watching for those tell tales to heighten.
If that doesn’t work I prostrate myself with apologies and acceptances of guilt,
Anything to avoid the brewing storm.
It works for the most part,
It normally ends in some ****** deprivation,
That’s my ace card,
The one that’s guaranteed to work nine out ten times,
And so it starts again,
It’s the threat of that tenth time that lives within my shadows,
Always hovering on the edge of  everything I do,
Because that tenth time so easily could be my last time,
It’s come close,
This is why I yearn for the quiet,
To hide the scars of my survival,
Living a life in which I want to be invisible,
Isn’t the life I want to live,
But it’s the life I lead,
You can’t help me,
You can’t be there for me,
You’ll never even notice me,
Because I’m invisible.

I hear you,
I see you,
I understand and feel you,

I hear your cries,
I see your pain,
I get it and I feel the same,

I hear the fear behind your words,
And see the hesitation -
   as you speak to other people -
       you hide a layer of trepidation,

I hear you,
I see you,
I understand and feel you,

Your words speak volumes,
You shine from your soul
I understand you feel like your lost in a hole,

I hear you,
I see you,
I get you and it hurts,
Your not alone or on your own,
Please ...... listen to my words,

I hear you
I  see you
I’m not going anywhere,
Save yourself for those deserving ,
They’re the ones who really care.

Turning cartwheels under August’ dusk,
The gentle aroma from the blossoms musk,
The stillness lays the day to rest,
As the sun finishes it’s daily quest,

Time again we’ve bore witness to this,
This beauty of a summers kiss,
Right here under this very tree,
I’ve passionate memories of you and me,

You always said this was the place,
Your absolutely favourite space,
You’d say “Make sure that I’m beautifully dressed,”
“Then under my tree lay me to rest”

So here you are my gentle bird,
My throat is dry and my eyes are blurred,
But your sleeping where you longed to be,
No longer standing next to me.

Nothing will ever be the same,
Never again will you say my name,
As much as I’m glad your finally free,
I’ll never hold you under our tree.

There’s nothing left for me to see,
There’s nowhere else I need to be,
Tomorrow I’ll be there with you,
Because I’ve made sure that there’s room for two.

I’ve cried tears so heavy they left track marks on my cheeks,
And I’ve loved so deeply that Ive lost myself,
That’s my curse my cross to bare,
No half measures,
No messing about,
It’s all or nothing or what’s the point.
I commit to become a conquerer,
Im not willing to be conquered -
I wear my warpaint with pride,
And tattoo my heart on my sleeve for all to see,
I’m not hiding -
Come at me if you wish,
But be sure to finish me,
Because remember - I am cursed,
I play nice but I dance like a devil,
Deserve me and I’ll never desert you,
Love me and I’ll fill you heart forever more,
But the day you disregard me,
I will drive my will into heaven and hell to make sure you regret it,
You won’t see me until it’s too late,
Im not one to turn to despair,
I’ll turn to anger and fill with rage,
I’ll let the hatred consume me until my eyes bleed black joy at  the thought of your whimpering carcass laid at my feet,
This is what it’s like to be cursed,
This is how I handle rejection,
So don’t go there,
Spare yourself my wrath,
If your not up to the job,
Don’t make me your happily ever after.

Hollow *****’s are they that trample over the innocent,
Grabbing for power like only the unworthy would,
Prostituting for perks because they’re willing to get ******,
......................So I used to believe,
Back when I was a naive idealist,
But life shows all sides of the coin,
I have seen first hand and I have learnt,
I have learnt that their empty victory’s still beats my trusted loss,
I toil without complaint,
I’m no saint,
But cross my heart when I say,
I follow the path with a loyal integrity,
Fierce in my fight for respect,
But to what end I ask myself,
When this path has so many shortcuts,
When those who walk on it literally **** on the grass,
Who then cares if my efforts are justified,
Justification is the ******* of the weak,  
It doesn’t keep the lecherous from my door,
It doesn’t give me abundance,
It doesn’t get me anywhere so what’s the point,
When it comes down to it,
when I’m stood at the gates to whatever’s waiting,
When I finally look back on my life,
Will I still be clinging to my misguided morales,
Will they feel good enough to of justified this life of second best,
Do you think the taste of righteousness is as sweet as the treats I forgo,
Or will I look back with pitiful disgust for my time wasted,
Lived in the light of what’s right,
When all along I’m jealous of the fun in the shadows,
I am tired of this ill rewarded propaganda,
There’s no bonus for living a good life,
I don’t want to die poor and bored,
I can’t beat them so why shouldn’t I join them,
I know they don’t write rhymes about me,
They won’t be carving me up in their circle,
They don’t even see me,
Yet their existence ignites me,
Or is it jealousy and disgust at my own weakness,
Why shouldn’t I be on the inside,
When this world stands by its teachings,
Then maybe I’ll stand again,
But for now,
I’m ready to run with the revellers.