i feel so much
take it in
too deep
i want to scream
with madness
and ecstasy

it doesn’t exist
it’s a creation
of a black box
called your mind
absurd insane
pareidolia of the eye
seeing factuals
hoping there is order
terrified of the nothingness
pleading for grace
from a divine

i saw her
from across the room
wrote her script
from start to finish
which she never read
or auditioned

i never approached
instead
walked away
afraid
of rejection

more comfortable
in isolation
and loneliness
but craving
her attention

rehearsing tragedy
sucker punched
by reality
wanting change
from living in pain

afraid to live
scared to die
all i want to do
is cry

Fear terror
Tears sobs  
Despair surrender

Screeching to life
Circling  around
Killing its prey
Lying defenseless

Spitting fire
Jaw of tungsten
Gnashing teeth
Shaping death
LINAC LINAC
Sear my flesh

Life is a sacrifice
Pay the price
Tribute is due
Die later

Plea to the priest
Spare me, please
No redemption
Appeasement only  

Vitality taken
Virility destroyed
Broken man
Lost boy

Sins Unforgiven
Absolution denied
Life sentence
95 percent certain

crack
*******
is nothing
compared
to your
kisses

life interrupted, rolling the dice, every time i leave the house, hoping not to get snake eyes.

always and forever, a 2nd wave is coming, the future is darkening, i am losing my will to fight.

dreams get more frightening, the horror intensifying, what are the screams about, i can't make them out, mommy make them stop.

i exhume the past, replaying the dead like marionettes, were did it go wrong, it was my fault, you would still be alive.

trapped in nightmare, life is a labyrinth, my mind is redlining, i need the ******, to have some salvation.

do you feel it
when we dance
in a closed embrace
the way I hold you
our bodies
as they move
saying so much
with so few words

this fairy tale
called love
is an illusion
a distraction
a respite
from the brutality
of the human condition

love is an illusion
a false reprieve
quenching the soul
lost in the blackness of rejection

queen of the night
dream me a dream
of psychedelic kisses
halcyon whispers
and mind bending adventures
hold my hand
while crossing the line
between truth and reverie

late at night
alone
in the glow
of a candle
pen in hand
a muse
whispers
recites
a litany
of emotions
spilled
blotted
staining paper
redacted
through a stream
of tears

summer days
languishing
under a tree
drinking
iced tea
listening
to cicadas
chorusing

the most emotionally abusive relationship i was ever in, was with
MYSELF

poetry
is the realm
of intellectual
and emotional
aristocracy

forgive me
for my hubris
and folly
if you think this
a fallacy

desperately clinging
to a false sense
normalcy and acceptance
i seeked validation
in romantic relationships
when all that i cherish
has been taken away
i realize
that i’ve aged out
and lost my identity
stripped of purpose
and meaning
I don’t see any hope
or reason for being
i find solace
in addiction
i realized i’ve lost
and surrendering
accepting the fact
and letting myself slide
into another depression

who is she
whispering in my ear
reciting tales
and stories  

seducing
then ****** me
with reality
and fantasies

are you seeking
meaning
in the stark
unforgiving brutality
of the human
condition

overwhelmed
by the emptiness

solace
found only
in addiction

numbing
away the pain

if only for
a moment

what is it
do you seek
from this existence

there is no delineation
in time

i can not see
with my mind’s eye

the beginning
or end

there is just now
you at my side

live it
feel it
put it on paper
edit it later

the last page
final chapter
close the cover
this story
is over

I am ashamed, it goes deep into my bones, my mind, it permeates all of me, to the bottom of my soul. at night, under the covers, I cry, feeling, I am not good enough, beautiful enough, attractive enough, **** enough, for you or anyone, to love, or at the very least, like. there are too many conditions to unconditional love, and i've tired of trying, thus i am no one’s partner, no one’s lover.

dream
write
make me feel
what i see
in your eyes

hold me
touch me
never let me go

comforting
is your
kiss

soothing
is your
touch

nurturing
is your
love

heartbreak is the cruelest and most beautiful of pains
welling unadulterated from the depths of a suffering soul
cry child, cry with all your heart and soul, let the tears flow
trying to wash away the pain that will never go away

how many tears can i cry
mourning the death of God
who is nonexistent
as I lose my soul and faith
realizing i am an orphan
a man without a Father
i pray that You are real
and not a figment
of our collective imagination
don’t forsake me
as i have forsaken You
i want and need to believe
there’s meaning to my existence

how beautiful
and filled with sorrow
as we held each
that last night
of summer
crying, whispering, “i love you”
as we said goodbye
sitting on my chevy
at dairy queen
hoping
to be together
forever
knowing cruelly
we were just
summer lovers
minor characters
in each other's diaries

you are
the bright star
in a dark sky
guiding me

to you

i feel it
when you’re away

an absences
a yearning
deep in my soul

when the pain is greater than the fear
is when you’ll decide to change

pyrrhic is this victory
love replaced with hate
you stood on a plinth
now lay in a grave
earth kisses sky
rage & wrath
of lightning & thunder
when breaking hearts
clash & collide

i love you
je t'aime
te amo
said the little french boy
to the little mexican girl

how can i trust and make myself vulnerable
when love is the most dangerous game of all
the suffering inflicted and endured in pursuit of romantic bliss
romeo and juliet were martyrs and a myth
foolishly chasing a fantasy inventing by society
what do you need, what do i need to feel loved and safe
fully knowing the fragility of a romantic relationship  
alone in bed crying craving wishing to be held
wanting so much to surrender to a lover
and feel their hands and lips upon my body

am i
important
to you
or am I
an extra
a diary character
a footnote
in your life

youth ephemeral fleeting
only blooms during spring
attracts lovers in summer
fades in the gentleness of fall
dies in the icy blue of winter

the sun lingers
low
on the horizon
the sky
a patch work
of oranges
and iridescent purples

softly bluing
into black
darkness envelopes
stars light
flicker
twinkling
throughout the night

i feel it now
the loneliness
the yearning
for companionship

to hold and be held
safe and snug
in a loving embrace
of another

at the bottom of brandy bottle
my inkwell dry
quill worn
parchment filled
i’ve run out of words
thought
ideas
there’s nothing left to say
i have to go deeper
darker
afraid of what i’ll see
frighten of the communion
weary of the price
i’ll have to pay

where do i find love
if not in your arms
where i feel safest
and have no fears
i hear your breathing
feel your heart beating
i relish the feel of your body
entwined under covers next to me
there is no world beyond
just what’s in front
your big beautiful eyes
looking back at me

alone together, weathering the same storm, all on different ships, large and small, some luxurious, some poor, hoping, praying for salvation not annihilation.

the body keeps score
resurrecting at night
re-living early in the morning
when it’s dark and you’re lonely
fragile most vulnerable
waking up crying
remembering replaying
traumas past and present

there is a sadness to spring
as the days grow longer
the weather warmer
there is nowhere to hide
no excuses to give
missing the cold
the dark nights
sitting with a blanket
by the fireplace
hidden from the world
and it’s problems

the moon casts no shadow
in this realm where owls wink and stars scream
how long this journey on a starless sea
where time forgets but fate remembers
our lives ephemeral as a child’s tear
i remember our first kiss
and your last breath
while holding you, in my arms
as we both died, that day in june
the bloom withered, died, and was blown away
how long ago was yesterday
as i sit alone with your ghost
how cruel is winter when I remember spring
as the first snow falls
covering the ruins and ashes of regret
i light the last candle, no longer afraid

a broken heart
the first of many

a broken heart
one of many

a broken heart
another of many

a broken heart
the last of many

i’ve stopped caring
unplugged
from the news
facebook
& social media

i need to protect myself
my health
mental
emotional
as a parent does
for a child

i am powerless
feel helpless
a paper tiger
i can only offer
empty prayers

i am overwhelmed
wrung out
from theses
never ending
crises

i am suffering
from compassion fatigue
i no longer give a ****
about starving kids
or drowned refugees

i am afraid
of relapsing
falling back
into addiction

i need a brake
an escape
from the everyday
stresses

hate and rage
lashing out
acting out
hurt for hurt
when i feel so helpless

I left
walked out
i had too
you weren’t
my forever

alone
again
scared
vulnerable
like a fawn
laying
in a forest hollow

the loneliness
is unbearable
i’m numb
nausea
since you’ve
been gone

i miss
your body
it’s warmth
your skin
touching mine

I see the answer
in your eyes

feel it
in your kiss

the hunger
of your heart

the aching
of your soul

the longing
to be loved

tell me that you love me
so i no longer have to worry

shattered sword
broken bones
dried tears
withered roses

remember me
how could i forget
you used to love me