hold me
touch me
never let me go

i feel it
when you’re away

an absences
a yearning
deep in my soul

live it
feel it
put it on paper
edit it later

comforting
is your
kiss

soothing
is your
touch

nurturing
is your
love

“I have something for you,” Gérard said with a bit of excitement in his voice.

“What it is,” Séraphine asked coyly with a smile and looking deep into Gérard’s eyes.

Gérard reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a blue velvet jewelry bag and gave it to her.

Séraphine opened it and pulled out a black velvet choker with a ruby pendant. Her eyes widened and her smile exploded as she exclaimed, “it’s beautiful.”

“Will you put it on me,” and spun around lifting up her thick black hair exposing her creamy white neck and shoulders.

Caught off guard, his first instinct was to kiss her neck and shoulders; the temptation made even worse from the sweet sensuous scent of her perfume.

He gently put the choker around her neck and locked the clasps. She let her hair down and turned around, looking at him with her big brown eyes.  

She took his phone, and searched for “You’re the One That I Want,” by Lo-Fang on Spotify, took his hand, and led him to the middle of the living room, stopping in front of the fireplace.

“Dance with me,” she whispered.

He took her in his arms as she pressed herself against his chest, listening to his heart beat. He wrapped his arms around her as she meld into him smiling.

They swayed slowly to the melody and danced. She felt so good in his arms: warm, soft, feminine; right as rain.

He stopped, and she looked up into his eyes. He tilted his head forward and kissed her neck as she sighed softly in his ear, surrendering herself to him.

i became an addict to forget
numb the pain
and silence their screams

from menarche to menopause
far gone are the days of youth
as ****** attractiveness flickers
like a candle’s wick extinguishes
lacking missing craving
the male gaze’s validation
wishing for some attention
men don’t see you
a ghost among the nubile
a hallucination from yesterday

how do i blind my mind’s eye
from the horrors that i see
quiet the screams
of the dying in my ears
that i tremble with rage and fear
at what is about to come

remember the summer days
the smell of fresh cut grass
the song and chir
of birds and grasshoppers
sitting under a tree
watching clouds roll by
dreaming of tomorrow
of kissing Betty or Veronica

at the bottom of brandy bottle
my inkwell dry
quill worn
parchment filled
i’ve run out of words
thought
ideas
there’s nothing left to say
i have to go deeper
darker
afraid of what i’ll see
frighten of the communion
weary of the price
i’ll have to pay

it depresses me to realize that i’ve become one of the zombies shopping late at night in bleak, overly fluorescently lit, dingy yellow dollar store on the outskirt of small texas town.

i watch them shuffle around, talking to themselves, looking lost, swiveling their heads frantically, searching for cheap store brands to match their coupons and save what little social security money they live on so they can buy tobacco and alcohol.

who the **** am i to judge what makes a person happy when it’s hard to find and so temporary.

solitude is chosen
loneliness is not

am i
important
to you
or am I
an extra
a diary character
a footnote
in your life

teenage hope
that slowly dies
replaced by sorrow
as high school dreams
whither
to reality

a fresh coat of paint
on the walls of a tomb
haunted by ghosts
too young to have died
or old faded and forgotten
who remembers them
who really cares

what does it all mean
this blank canvas you gave me
what do i do
with these paints and brushes
with no instructions or directions

****** if i do or don’t
you ****** with my head and heart
you’re BPD, fear-avoidant, and don’t even know it
you’re hormonal, emotional
feelings whipsawing all over the place
i’m tired, exhausted, depleted
i’m sad it ended this way
but i had to walk away
to maintain my sanity

pyrrhic is this victory
love replaced with hate
you stood on a plinth
now lay in a grave
earth kisses sky
rage & wrath
of lightning & thunder
when breaking hearts
clash & collide

i find shelter
in your arms

forget the past
the pain and sorrow

your embrace
reassuring

enveloping me
in love and safety

your kisses
soothing

comforting
melting the world away

your touch
tells me so much

it heals my heart
anchors my soul

reminds me
i am not alone

there is a sadness to spring
as the days grow longer
the weather warmer
there is nowhere to hide
no excuses to give
missing the cold
the dark nights
sitting with a blanket
by the fireplace
hidden from the world
and it’s problems

the body keeps score
resurrecting at night
re-living early in the morning
when it’s dark and you’re lonely
fragile most vulnerable
waking up crying
remembering replaying
traumas past and present

i experienced love
it was painful, pointless, and overrated
yet i need, crave, and wished i had it my life

I see the answer
in your eyes

feel it
in your kiss

the hunger
of your heart

the aching
of your soul

the longing
to be loved

I am not afraid
of dying

I am afraid
of not living

how do i live without you
without love
when it’s all that i crave
i miss the tenderness
the soft embraces
of you in my bed

hate and rage
lashing out
acting out
hurt for hurt
when i feel so helpless

i’ve grown cold, hateful, and bitter
from too many romantic failures
lost hope in happy endings
as i fall asleep sobbing and wake up crying
wishing it had been a nightmare instead of reality

words never spoken
a story never told

pay the oarsman
pay your dues

sleep forget
drink the waters of Lethe

ghosts & queens
never seen

there is a coldness
on the summer wind

a sad
loneliness

of a bygone
spring

mother maiden crone
waxing waning full
salt and iron
writings in a grimoire
alas, I shall kiss
the witch queen

penciling these poems
writing down my fears
is like shouting
my deepest, darkest
best hid secrets

I hold you in my arms
safe and warm
in the depths of a night
sitting by the fireplace
whispering “te quiero”
softly in your ear
kissing your lips
ever so tenderly
i lose myself
in your eyes
intoxicated
by your scent
the feel of your hair
against my face
how can i resist
your body
your heart
your soul

tell me that you love me
so i no longer have to worry

I left
walked out
i had too
you weren’t
my forever

alone
again
scared
vulnerable
like a fawn
laying
in a forest hollow

the loneliness
is unbearable
i’m numb
nausea
since you’ve
been gone

i miss
your body
it’s warmth
your skin
touching mine

i’ve searched
for happiness
listened
believed
TV psychologist
babble
bogus claims
find bliss
at the end
of the rainbow

i realize now
it was a lie
what i found
instead
is the here
and now
being present
and content

i’ve stopped caring
unplugged
from the news
facebook
& social media

i need to protect myself
my health
mental
emotional
as a parent does
for a child

i am powerless
feel helpless
a paper tiger
i can only offer
empty prayers

i am overwhelmed
wrung out
from theses
never ending
crises

i am suffering
from compassion fatigue
i no longer give a ****
about starving kids
or drowned refugees

i am afraid
of relapsing
falling back
into addiction

i need a brake
an escape
from the everyday
stresses

i am finding it hard
to stay even keeled in this storm
not to drink
to numb the stress and anxiety away
or overeat and self medicate
when all i want is connection
and a sense of safety

is it time to walk away
when my writing has become
intellectual
technical
no longer visceral
devoid of passion

shattered sword
broken bones
dried tears
withered roses

remember me
how could i forget
you used to love me

a windless summer eve
a golden sun sets to sleep
leaves fall from the trees
a love story lost in memories
your lips no longer mine to kiss

i miss

your touch
on my cheek

your gaze
in my soul

your kiss
on my lips

youth ephemeral fleeting
only blooms during spring
attracts lovers in summer
fades in the gentleness of fall
dies in the icy blue of winter

i didn’t keep the gift
you gave me
the fairy tale yarn
you’d spun
i threw it away
when I woke
to the reality
that you’d left
shattering my heart
extinguishing my soul

in a storm
of love and hate
isolation deafens
numbing
the mind
blinding
the eyes
of hope and joy
a heart
shrivels
a soul
dies
burning eternally
in a hell
of despair

defeated
on my knees

what more
do you want of me

my fate
is not my own

i remember our last kiss
the sweetness of your lips
the sorrow in your eyes
as tears streaked down your cheeks

it’s time

let go

accept

the inevitable

fall

willing

into the void

the blackness

the nothingness

of nonexistence

you ache
for the touch
of a man
desperate
afraid
of growing old
dying alone

i loved you
you were my creation
come to life
off my pages
i was dumbfounded
when we met
you were her
in every way
the coincidences and serendipity
scared me
i studied you
as we dated
fascinated
what ecstasy
to hold and kiss
my protagonist
the four months
that we dated
were euphoric
then it ended
abruptly
still infatuated
i hurt so bad
i cried so much
the excruciating pain
tearing up my heart
of Pygmalion losing Galatea
of me losing Laura

the siege is lifting,  the viral apocalypse fading. i am a lucky one, weary, ready to move on, wanting normal, of days gone by.

everything i knew, every belief i had, is about to change, i am not ready, for the brave new world of animal farm.

i am tuned in, nothing is important, time a blur, sober is depressing, nothing turns me on, leave me alone, so i can drop out.

living the nightmare of behavioral sink, pathologically withdrawn, suffering the indifference of the beautiful ones, how do i survive, the asocial haze of universe 25.