a broken heart
the first of many

a broken heart
one of many

a broken heart
another of many

a broken heart
the last of many

you see it coming
but can do nothing
but rage and cry
get on your knees
praying to Him
as He slowly
lets you die

teenage hope
that slowly dies
replaced by sorrow
as high school dreams
whither
to reality

who is she
whispering in my ear
reciting tales
and stories  

seducing
then ****** me
with reality
and fantasies

dream
write
make me feel
what i see
in your eyes

****** if i do or don’t
you ****** with my head and heart
you’re BPD, fear-avoidant, and don’t even know it
you’re hormonal, emotional
feelings whipsawing all over the place
i’m tired, exhausted, depleted
i’m sad it ended this way
but i had to walk away
to maintain my sanity

a hot wind blows in the desert for a lost soul
walking under a cold moon
forgotten, forgetting
in relentless waves of shame
sinking higher into a purple sky
clouds as passersby
tears fall into oblivion
when a child smiles

poetry
is the realm
of intellectual
and emotional
aristocracy

forgive me
for my hubris
and folly
if you think this
a fallacy

the sun lingers
low
on the horizon
the sky
a patch work
of oranges
and iridescent purples

softly bluing
into black
darkness envelopes
stars light
flicker
twinkling
throughout the night

i feel it now
the loneliness
the yearning
for companionship

to hold and be held
safe and snug
in a loving embrace
of another

remember the summer days
the smell of fresh cut grass
the song and chir
of birds and grasshoppers
sitting under a tree
watching clouds roll by
dreaming of tomorrow
of kissing Betty or Veronica

live it
feel it
put it on paper
edit it later

hold me
touch me
never let me go

i feel it
when you’re away

an absences
a yearning
deep in my soul

I hold you in my arms
safe and warm
in the depths of a night
sitting by the fireplace
whispering “te quiero”
softly in your ear
kissing your lips
ever so tenderly
i lose myself
in your eyes
intoxicated
by your scent
the feel of your hair
against my face
how can i resist
your body
your heart
your soul

solitude is chosen
loneliness is not

at the bottom of brandy bottle
my inkwell dry
quill worn
parchment filled
i’ve run out of words
thought
ideas
there’s nothing left to say
i have to go deeper
darker
afraid of what i’ll see
frighten of the communion
weary of the price
i’ll have to pay

comforting
is your
kiss

soothing
is your
touch

nurturing
is your
love

i remember our last kiss
the sweetness of your lips
the sorrow in your eyes
as tears streaked down your cheeks

i became an addict to forget
numb the pain
and silence their screams

what does it all mean
this blank canvas you gave me
what do i do
with these paints and brushes
with no instructions or directions

am i
important
to you
or am I
an extra
a diary character
a footnote
in your life

i find shelter
in your arms

forget the past
the pain and sorrow

your embrace
reassuring

enveloping me
in love and safety

your kisses
soothing

comforting
melting the world away

your touch
tells me so much

it heals my heart
anchors my soul

reminds me
i am not alone

i experienced love
it was painful, pointless, and overrated
yet i need, crave, and wished i had it my life

a fresh coat of paint
on the walls of a tomb
haunted by ghosts
too young to have died
or old faded and forgotten
who remembers them
who really cares

pyrrhic is this victory
love replaced with hate
you stood on a plinth
now lay in a grave
earth kisses sky
rage & wrath
of lightning & thunder
when breaking hearts
clash & collide

the body keeps score
resurrecting at night
re-living early in the morning
when it’s dark and you’re lonely
fragile most vulnerable
waking up crying
remembering replaying
traumas past and present

there is a sadness to spring
as the days grow longer
the weather warmer
there is nowhere to hide
no excuses to give
missing the cold
the dark nights
sitting with a blanket
by the fireplace
hidden from the world
and it’s problems

defeated by life
i walk towards Death
slowly
methodically
willingly
no longer afraid
as He reaches out
and embraces me
i sob in relief
as my fears
anxieties
and life
slowly fade away

mother maiden crone
waxing waning full
salt and iron
writings in a grimoire
alas, I shall kiss
the witch queen

i’ve stopped caring
unplugged
from the news
facebook
& social media

i need to protect myself
my health
mental
emotional
as a parent does
for a child

i am powerless
feel helpless
a paper tiger
i can only offer
empty prayers

i am overwhelmed
wrung out
from theses
never ending
crises

i am suffering
from compassion fatigue
i no longer give a ****
about starving kids
or drowned refugees

i am afraid
of relapsing
falling back
into addiction

i need a brake
an escape
from the everyday
stresses

i’ve searched
for happiness
listened
believed
TV psychologist
babble
bogus claims
find bliss
at the end
of the rainbow

i realize now
it was a lie
what i found
instead
is the here
and now
being present
and content

penciling these poems
writing down my fears
is like shouting
my deepest, darkest
best hid secrets

I am not afraid
of dying

I am afraid
of not living

there is a coldness
on the summer wind

a sad
loneliness

of a bygone
spring

i only need 1 yes
from a 1000 noes

you are a siren enchanting mesmerizing
beckoning calling daring me to approach
when you sing no man can resist
like a fool i jumped from the of my ship
swam an ocean of lustful emotions
reached the beach beheld your presences
approached kissed your lips
knowing on a whim death was certain

you ache
for the touch
of a man
desperate
afraid
of growing old
dying alone

I see the answer
in your eyes

feel it
in your kiss

the hunger
of your heart

the aching
of your soul

the longing
to be loved

hate and rage
lashing out
acting out
hurt for hurt
when i feel so helpless

youth ephemeral fleeting
only blooms during spring
attracts lovers in summer
fades in the gentleness of fall
dies in the icy blue of winter

a windless summer eve
a golden sun sets to sleep
leaves fall from the trees
a love story lost in memories
your lips no longer mine to kiss

i am finding it hard
to stay even keeled in this storm
not to drink
to numb the stress and anxiety away
or overeat and self medicate
when all i want is connection
and a sense of safety

I left
walked out
i had too
you weren’t
my forever

alone
again
scared
vulnerable
like a fawn
laying
in a forest hollow

the loneliness
is unbearable
i’m numb
nausea
since you’ve
been gone

i miss
your body
it’s warmth
your skin
touching mine

i’m tired of the false hopes and mirages of love and happy endings
disillusioned and disgusted with the the lies and manipulations
i am numb, have given up, and disassociated
i don’t see any hope and feel helpless in an unbearable situation
how do others do it, haven normal relationships
am i broken or just don’t know how to communicate
with all the therapy, am i still sick, still choosing the damaged ones
i need to stop, take a break, re-evaluate
or accept my fate

tell me that you love me
so i no longer have to worry

it’s time

let go

accept

the inevitable

fall

willing

into the void

the blackness

the nothingness

of nonexistence

words never spoken
a story never told

pay the oarsman
pay your dues

sleep forget
drink the waters of Lethe

ghosts & queens
never seen

I want to spread melted chocolate across your lips and gently kiss it off kiss by kiss as you moan and sigh

I want to pour warm cream on your ******* and **** on them till you beg for me to stop.

I want to drizzle honey on your ***** and slowly lick it off, inch by inch, as you whimper and shudder with pleasure.

the siege is lifting,  the viral apocalypse fading. i am a lucky one, weary, ready to move on, wanting normal, of days gone by.

everything i knew, every belief i had, is about to change, i am not ready, for the brave new world of animal farm.

i am tuned in, nothing is important, time a blur, sober is depressing, nothing turns me on, leave me alone, so i can drop out.

living the nightmare of behavioral sink, pathologically withdrawn, suffering the indifference of the beautiful ones, how do i survive, the asocial haze of universe 25.

over wrought and overwhelmed
by this virus and pandemic