A fleeting glance as they pass each other on the street

At that moment, it began to rain

As the sky cried for the star crossed lovers

And for some reason, tears ***** their eyes too, like deep down they knew that they missed a lifetime in a single gaze

picture this:
there's a person in your life
they’re absolutely beautiful inside and out
a ray of sunshine shining on your every day
a sly smile spreads across your face when their name appears on your phone screen
this person however,
belongs to everybody and nobody at the same time
you long to tell them how you feel
but you resist out of fear of losing them
you slowly feel them begin to slip between your fingers
you refuse to give up on them without a fight
they’re one of your best friends
but you can't tell if their feelings towards you are purely platonic
what do you do?

Loud clacks of character shoes on wood and tile
The air filled with the musty smell of costumes
Girls and boys alike with makeup smeared on their rosy cheeks
Nervous pacing up and down dark corridors
Each chanting songs and dialogue along with hurried dancing among the cast
Like a theatrical cult
The aisles filled with people eagerly shuffling to their seats
Hushed chatter among the growing crowd
Backstage, beautiful chaos falls into nervous order as the lights flicker and dim, indicating the too-fast approach of opening night
Soft fluttering of program pages comes to a sudden halt as the thick curtains slowly part to reveal a dark stage
Dancers and actors alike hidden in a heavy blanket of darkness
A single spotlight shines on a young girl, bright hair twirling down her back
She is clothed in a flowing dress of sky blue
Out of her mouth emerges a sound like that of a songbird
The stage comes alive with brilliant colors, dancers, and characters jumping and bustling around her
The show has begun.

Sitting all alone
Attempting not to let the dreaded ocean of nothingness drown me
in mind numbing boredom
Losing all focus
I close my eyes
Your perfectly crooked smile stares back at me
Your dark eyes twinkling when the light hits them
Your tall figure, kissed by the sun
And your lips, kissed by all except for me
I open my eyes
Hoping that this irresistible image of you will leave my brain
But I know very well that it won’t
I cannot stop you from plaguing my mind
I attempt to cut you off
Do what’s best for my heart
Try and build back the walls that you destroyed
But then your name lights up my phone screen
And I cave in
I allow you to take your pickaxe and start chipping away at the tough facade that I show the world
You’re like air for me
I never realize how much I need you until you’re gone
And so I come crawling right back to you
Your arms open wide
Fulfilling my need for your company
Waiting for the day you realize that to me,
You are more than just another guy

Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  Messing up is something that you do, its not who you are.  

This isn’t me.

I can be good.

Believe in me.

I am not a ***** up.

No matter how many people I talk to
No matter how many times I remind myself that you don’t like me
You still find your way back into my heart
Crammed into my every thought
I can’t escape you
But, then again, I don’t want to

Stop smiling at me
Stop sitting next to me
Stop winking at me
Stop flirting with me
I can’t focus
My head is spinning with thoughts of you
School is hell
My work is piling up, your voice on repeat in my ears
Why can’t I ignore you?
Why can’t I **** the butterflies that flit in my stomach when you glance in my direction?
No matter how desperately I swat at them
They only grow larger
Choking out my voice
Strangling any breath I have left when I see you
I ****** my butterfly net to destroy these feelings
But theres a hole in it
And the abominable creatures just fly right through
Spreading emotion through my being
The world seems almost… brighter?
How can some dumb guy bring me so much joy?
I look like a fool
Giggling
Playing with my hair?!
that never used to happen before…
If this if what they call a “crush” I want no part of it
But I guess I don’t really have a choice, do I?

gray

shape shifting
blending in
conforming to hide with my surroundings
standing right in front of you
and yet completely out of sight
walking down the street
100% invisible
just how i like it

yellow

running
jumping
dancing to my own heart song
meeting new friends
going on adventures
skipping down the sidewalk
greeting flora and fauna
singing with the whistling wind
not noticing, not caring
wether people stare
i know no shame

play me like a fool
try not to catch feelings
charm me with the flash of a smile
the subtleness of a wink
and tell me not to fall
because you sure won't
say you can't commit
and treat me like i'm needed
like you aren't talking to other girls
when we both know its a lie
making me want to die
i can't stand you
so all i do is fall
but apparently my body is just a mall
you peruse and look around
admiring things you'll never own
playing with my heart like it's just a toy
walking up and down the aisles of my being
stealing me without sacrificing yourself
for a temporary pleasure
until you get bored and throw my heart away
onto a dusty broken shelf where trash goes
i reach out for help but
you're already gone
but you never intended on staying for long
just wanted something to mess with when you became bored
and you decided that my heart was the perfect toy

leave
i don't want you anymore
actually, thats a lie
i need you more than anything
you are constantly in my head
but you're screaming
why?
why are you yelling at me?
what did i do?
all i've done is be there for you
let you use me at your disposal
maybe thats why you're pounding on my brain
because i'm beginning to realize that
you're toxic
like ******
so addicting
its always "just one more hit"
but i'm quitting you
and the withdrawals are slowly killing me
i keep wanting to wander back to you
but i can't
i won't let myself
because you're only using me for your own pleasure
you **** me dry
take all i have to offer and leave me empty
cold and depressed on the hard floor
convincing myself that i've done something wrong
but you're the villain in this story, not me
so i'm pulling the **** needle out of my arm
cleansing you from my veins
laughing through the pain
feeling every drop of you leave me in a slow drain
because i'm done with you
so go away

get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.  get out of my head.
GET
OUT
OF
MY
HEAD.

yelling
voice cracking
twirling
running
jumping
shaking
escaping
pleading
screaming
falling

she dances around the world
light as air
everywhere

right in front of you
but just out of reach

she has sunshine in her soul
fire in her heart
butterflies in her stomach

her love is a raging inferno
so hot and bright the sun envies her
and you are icarus

the closer you get
the deeper she loves you
the more she burns your fragile skin

yet you cannot resist her
she is the light in your darkness
the only hope in your dismal existence
so you reach for her

the laugh that wrinkles her nose
her eyes that pierce your heart
blue as the sky and deep as the sea
golden hair wildly twisting behind her

and she dances
she dances with the earth and sea
floating wherever the wind carries her
she is a delicate dandelion
and a wild mustang

you can’t be without her
but you’re so scared of being burned
you walk away from her

you make her believe that she’s evil
that she isn't worthy of love

she was a wildflower
in love with you
and you are a ****

you choked her out
that’s how you killed flower girl

What is this world
Except for broken hearts
And empty promises

there's a strange intimacy
I think
in being someone's friend
or follower
on the internet
it's almost like saying
"i care about what you're doing
i care about what you say"
if only this same intimacy
existed in reality
if we could have followers
outside of electronics
maybe we'd be as kind and encouraging in reality
as we are online

i love when we're apart
i hate when we're together
i love when you break my heart
i hate when you smile in bad weather

i love when you don't let me speak
i hate when you act carefree
i love when you look at me like a freak
i hate when you call me "bee"

i love you because you hate me
i hate you because you love me

A lot of people are searching for happiness
They’re looking for it
They’re trying to find it in someone
Or something outside of themselves
Thats a fundamentalist thing
Happiness is something that you are
It comes from the way you think
We cannot choose the things that will happen to us
But we can choose the attitude we take
Towards anything that happens to us

You were red
And you liked me
Because I was blue
But then you touched me
And suddenly I was a lilac sky
And you decided
That purple
Just wasn’t for you

It couldn’t have been me
See?
The direction the spackle protrudes
A noisy neighbor?
An angry boyfriend?
I’ll never know, I wasn’t home.
I peer inside for a clue
No. I can’t see.
I reel, blind.
Like a film left out in the sun.
But its too late
My retinas, already scorched
With a permanent copy of the meaningless image
Its just a little hole, it wasn’t too bright
It was too deep, stretching forever
Into everything
A hole of infinite choices
I realize now that I wasn’t looking in
I was looking out
And he, on the other side, was looking in.

But he wasn’t looking at me.
Confused, I frantically glance at my surroundings
But my burnt eyes can no longer see color
Are there others in this room?
Are they talking?
Or are they simply poems on flat sheets of paper?
The sound of frantic scrolling playing tricks on my ears
The room begins to crinkle, closing in on me
The air I breathe dissipates before it reaches my lungs
I panic, there must be a way out!
It’s right there!
He’s right there!
Swallowing my fears, I reach out for him.

And I remember when I met him
It was so clear that he was the only one for me.
We both knew it, right away
And as the years went on, things got more difficult
We were faced with more challenges
I begged him to stay
Try to remember what we had at the beginning

He was charismatic, magnetic, electric, and everybody knew it
When he walked in
Every woman's head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him
He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself

I always got the sense that he became torn
Between being a good person, and
Missing out
On all of the opportunities that life could offer
A man as magnificent as him
And in that way I understood him

And I loved him
I loved him
I loved him
I loved him
And I still love him
I love him

Truth is, I liked him
well… like
I ended it with “ed”, but
If I’m being honest
The feeling is still very much present.

I like him
Liking people is weird
I’m just here
Swimming around in my own head
Wondering if this is just another one of my phases.

I go through people phases a lot
Some say it’s selfish
But I simply say it’s because I’m just… selective.

I get bored easily
The second someone stops showing interest
Or I don’t get a text back
My mind automatically concludes that,
They just aren’t interested
So, I move on.

But here I am
Weeks in
15 poems deep
and…
Many restless nights
Yet, he is still in the crook of my thoughts.

You’d think by now I’d just stop liking people
I know how it ends
It’s all the same
It all ends the same.

And, I’ve grown accustomed to it
Yet every time I develop one of these out-of-the-blue likings for someone
I never stop myself from the obvious.

I guess I’m okay with it
I guess I’m just used to the feeling of a constant let down
Maybe he is just like everyone else, but
Maybe not.

One of the worst feelings is when
You can’t tell if you’re in love with someone anymore
When you like to be with them
But
You’re just as happy all alone
When you get so used to each other
You don’t even say “I love you” anymore
It’s just... assumed
But what if you don’t love them
What if you’re just convincing yourself that you can’t leave them
But it’s just because you don’t want to be alone again
That for the past 7 months you’ve just been glad to have someone
It didn’t matter who really
Except
This other person
Still is in love with you
Even though you aren’t pretty
Or smart
Or all that special
What if you’re just using this person because you know they like you despite all of your flaws
You’re afraid if you leave that no one else will care about you like they did
But
Despite all of this
You still don’t know if you actually love them

I can’t feel
I can’t remember the last real feeling I had
The last time I thought to myself
“Wow, this is a very real emotion I am experiencing”
No
I don’t know what my last feeling was
Wether it was joy or sadness
Terror or disgust
Anger or lust
I can’t remember any emotion I have had recently
It’s all very... dull
Everything is black and white
I have yet to find color in anything as of late
Even the brightest of neon is easily dismissed by my retinas
It’s almost worrisome
At least
It would be if I were in the least bit concerned
No
In fact, I’ve come to terms with it
I let the numb settle in and it keeps me safe, hidden from any and all emotion