I should be dead by now.
I should be laying in a 6ft hole, rotting

But I'm not.

I'm not because there's something I need to do.

I don't have the slightest clue as to what.


BUT


I'm willing to risk
EVERYTHING
to find what that is

I found something in you that's intoxicating
And I haven't even heard your voice.

It's infuriating,
knowing that we're not dating
or even really friends
but you're on my mind

My phone buzzes and I'll break into a stupid grin
hoping that it's you
and hoping that
You'll break into that same, beautiful grin when you see its me.

I wonder how often you think of me.
I...
I've been looking for a sign, and my dumb heart
found it in you.

I'm terrified
that we'll meet
and you'll hate me
or worse
I'll fall even harder for you.

We haven't met yet
but some nights I can't sleep without
wishing for your embrace
gentle hands on my body
easing my aches softly

I'll here your whisper
when I'm on the brink of waking
and my heart will race
thinking you're next to me
waiting for those precious moments
where it's only us.

I miss you
I don't talk to you anymore death
I've stopped cutting
I stopped looking for an out
But I can't stop missing you

I think I love the hurt that comes with
Long-Distance
or
Rushing relationships
or
Losing friends
or
breaking hearts
or
thinking about you.

I love you,
My one and only.

My entire life deserves a warning label

A big ******* caution sign

saying to turn the other way.

I remember a friend I lost
because I tried stretching myself thin to make them happy.
because I saw their love(lust?) for me. [I didn't realize]
because I thought I could FIX them.

I remember my first girl
smart
great body
the best ******* shower-buddy

Jealousy made everything hazy
and the last year I spent ******* around with people
only to find that I was still hollow

So if you want to know why I'm so ****** up
Re-read this a few times
cause maybe you'll find something that I missed

My biggest fear
More than death
More than loss
is the fear that one day
I'll wake up

and notice that I'm alright




It's not that I like being broken
but it seems like that's all I'm good for anymore
so rather than fight for something I can't have
I'll lay complacent in my bed
wishing I could touch your face again.

you're not your hair:
you can cut it dye it curl it straighten it shave it bend it twist it;

you're not your face:
you can hide it under layers of make-up you can put on lenses you can change your face in a matter of minutes;

you're not your skin:
you can cut it draw on it bite it tear it;

you're not your body:
you can lose weight gain weight;

you're not your clothes:
strip them off;

never reduce
yourself
to
a colour
a number
an adjective
a noun

never reduce
yourself
to a simple
word

you are
the thoughts you have at 3 a.m.
the lame jokes you tell your friends
the art you create
the books you read
the pages you have dog-eared
the quotes you have highlighted
the coffee you never finished drinking
the movie you watch after midnight, wrapped in a blanket
the chocolate cake you ate that night with that girl
the slice of pizza you could've eaten but you gave to your best friend
the kiss that still burns on your lips
the cigarettes that sting in your lungs long after you smoked them
the dreams you dream
the worlds you build in your mind
the song that's stuck in your head
the moments you're in the shower
the iloveyous
the ikindaguessilikeyous
the icareforyous
the seeyoulaters
the words you say
the smiles you smile
the laughs you laugh
the loves you love
the hates you hate

you are
an entire universe:
you're stars
and planets
and galaxies
and asteroids
and comets

you are a cosmos
trapped in
a shell.

you are
a gazillion worlds
locked in
a human cage.

never think
of yourself
as of
anything
less.

Chaos rains down from her eyes
and the world falls apart when she holds them back

But look into her eyes and you'll discover a peaceful grace
that wraps around you,
a shelter from your storm.

The calm in your storm
The calm in her storm